#it doesn't mean the conclusion is entirely incorrect but it is often important to understand the context in which it applies

[ask-s-offenderman]

(To Arc) I don't know how to approach this. Because lately I have been scolded for being a homophobic prick. I'm female and so's my online friend. However she recently opened up to me with her 'feelings' and told me she is in love with me. I don't lean that way. I told her as nicely as possible I am not interested, she instantly lists me as a gay hater. Gay people being in love doesn't bother me, they can marry and what not. It makes me so uncomfortable still when I see it (girls). Am I wrong?

Arc: ok, first off, turning down someones advances, regardless of gender, or the otherwise closeness of your relationship as friends, is fine.However, as a person of this generation, you do have a unique responsibility.See, as we’re in a transitional period between gay/bi/etc. being taboo, and them being allowed and accepted, you have to do some genuine introspection about your own preferences and why you hold them. Because up until you do so, you can’t be genuinely sure whether they’re your genuine preferences, or if you’re just parroting what the previous anti-lgbtq generation has tried to teach you. As such people have tried all they can to prevent you from being able to have this conversation with yourself, and you have to understand that they succeed more often than many realize. Hence having to face a question, that you should have gradually faced over your childhood, but instead have to face all at once when you’re well into the age where you can start dating. And it sound to me, like you haven’t done this introspection yet, because having done so means the difference between saying “ no” and saying,“I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that it’s not for me”.As well as saying that you’re uncomfortable seeing and interacting with gay women?(if that is what you’re saying?)Because if that’s true, then that would seems to further imply that you don’t genuinely know if you are a legitimate heterosexual woman or not, because it seems unlikely that whatever knowledge you have about the gay’s is actually correct.And you can’t genuinely decide if you dont even understand what you’re making a choice about.And believing incorrect information that causes you to feel fearful or uncomfortable?In this case? well unfortunately, that does make you homophobic, in which case you gotta recognize it and do something about it.  and as i said before, it’s perfectly alright if after giving it some thought, you come to the conclusion that you are indeed solidly a heterosexual,no gay preferences whatsoever. it’s having taken the time to ask yourself the question that’s the important part, especially in an instance like this.Because just like how your friend would have the responsibility to accept your sexuality when considering seeking a relationship, so too do you have the responsibility to respect their sexuality when turning them down.

And from the sound of it, you might not have that capacitySo even if your friend might have taken the rejection hard and overreacted, up until you have the capacity to be legit understanding and respectful of her sexuality, you aren’t entirely blameless in the situation either.So I guess try asking yourself these questions.-What is my sexuality?-What makes other sexualities besides my own unappealing for me?-Can I explain why I find them personally unappealing, to someone of a different sexuality, in ways that aren't insults or false stereotypes?-Are there any circumstances in which I would go against my sexuality? (for instance the “I’m not gay, but if this particular celebrity gave me an offer i wouldn’t say no” example)-What would I do if I accidentally made an advance on someone incompatible with my sexuality and were turned down? Would I be able to accept this without disrespecting their sexuality?-How about the opposite? (which is what you’re going through now)Once you answer all these questions, then congratulations! you now probably know what your sexuality is (at least for now, never know if it might change in the future) and are prepared to treat other ones with respect!Also maybe go apologize to your friend somewhere down the road after they’ve been able to cool off. I’m sure you didn't mean to not make it clear that you’re a heterosexual, rather than a lesbian or bi, and it made for an awkward position for the both of you. And pay attention to whether she herself is a lesbian or a bisexual. If she’s a lesbian, then it’s easier to make the argument that if she can be not attracted to men, than you can be not attracted to women, and end it at that, because you’re both able to exclude one half of the population from your potential relationship pool, and it’s just unfortunate that each of your sides doesn't sync up.But if she’s Bi and therefore attracted to either gender, that’s harder, because not only does it make you all the more special for having been more appealing than the much more plentiful and easier to get guys, implying you to be especially rare and thus all the more heartbreaking to have you say no, but also makes turning her down feel more hypocritical in her eyes, because it means that she was willing to consider everyone basically equally when it comes to falling in love, but you aren't. And to bisexual people, choosing to pick one gender over the other can sometimes seem very arbitrary and pointless, like you were turning her down cus you didn't like the color of her eyes or whatever. Something that she had no control over and which feels irrelevant to the question.Thankfully, since you said she called you a homophobic prick, she’s probably not bisexual, and as such turning her down would be more mutually fair, since she could also turn down a man who said they loved her simply for being a man, just like how you’re doing for her being female.