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disasterhumans · 5 years

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I had a surprisingly strong reaction to Marisha's inclusion of "I Am Here," on her Beau playlist, so naturally I felt compelled to write a thousand words about it.

I open up my heart You can love me or not There's no such thing as sin Let it all come right in

Marisha chose this song as Beau's tribute and remembrance of Molly, and these opening lines certainly reflect something of Molly's general philosophy. As Taliesin has said, "There's a way of both not giving a fuck about what people think, but giving a fuck about people." Molly was always open with his affection, and generous with it. Beau, in contrast, closed herself off from the world as a coping mechanism. She realized just a little too late how much she actually appreciated Molly's openness. We tend to focus on Beau's resolve to "leave places better than she found them," after Molly's death, but I think her increased vulnerability, and willingness to be emotionally supportive (even when she hides it behind bravado) in recent episodes has also been a result of a shift in perspective prompted by Molly's death.

I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud

We know from things both Marisha and Beau have said that Beau has internalized the idea that she's a "fuck up." The desire to "make some mistakes," is probably fraught for Beau. It's one way you could characterize her criminal past and her general rebelling against her father. But there's also a part of her that's always just a little bit terrified that she's going to prove everyone's worst suspicions about her correct. I think she wants the freedom to be able to fuck up sometimes without it meaning that she is a fuck up. That's something that's come up a few times in smaller moments (Twiggy: I don't really make the best decisions, Beau: I can relate; "Oh no! My actions affect other people!" from episode 45). Beau has been working hard to "leave every place better than she found it," but she's also been better at cutting herself some slack, and leaving herself room to make mistakes and learn in the process ("Having one transformative experience doesn't mean you're going to be better overnight. Being better is something you have to work at, I guess," from ep 36). She doesn't generally excoriate herself when she makes a mistake, but she'll acknowledge it and try to move forward from there. This has actually been true since before episode 26/7. Her whole "learning to be polite" thing with Fjord carried across several episodes, and included her 1) willingly deciding she needed to apologize to Caleb (even though Fjord didn't really think she needed to), and 2) knowing she would need help in the execution, and then asking for it. And while Beau's general demeanor hasn't changed, it's so apparent how much those "lessons," did really help with Beau's ability to interact with people. (I'm still not over the fact that Beau apologized roughly five times in episode 45, and all of them were genuine.)

I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna fuck til I'm done I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes

These lines reflect something of both Molly's and Beau's approaches to life. Beau once told Jester and Caleb that all she wants to do is "make a ton of money and drink a lot of booze, “ (ep 11). But where Molly's hedonism was in some part due to a "life is short," mentality, Beau's pursuit of happiness and simple pleasures has something of a desperate edge to it. (As Marisha puts it: "She has never had an extended moment of happiness her whole life, and she's still searching for it.")

It's also worth noting here that one of the ways Beau chose to honor Molly's memory was to have a lot of sex. Learning how to “open up [her] heart,” in order to truly appreciating the joy of living in the world is just as important a thing for Beau to be striving for as her dedication to leaving places better than she found them. While it’s true that the two times Beau has (canonically) had sex didn’t really involve emotional connection (debatable in regards to Keg, though), I think they still represented her trying to break down some of her walls. Would Beau have felt compelled enough to proposition Keg if Molly hadn’t passed? I don’t think there’s a way to know the answer to that question, but it certainly seemed to factor into her decision in the moment.

I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground

Much as Beau claims to have no real goals or motivations, she's clearly ready to fuck shit up and tear shit down when presented the opportunity. She has an almost knee-jerk opposition to authority in any and all forms (except maybe Fjord's captaining). It's one of the things that draws her to Dairon and the Expositors. I think it's part of what motivated her to help the Knights of Requital (even if she was also significantly motivated by money), and it's what made her such a terrifying (if somewhat unexpected) adversary to Avantika. Just because Beau is trying to commit herself to putting good into the world doesn't mean it's not going to come with a fair amount of chaos and destruction (e.g. freeing the Marid).

I am here, I am here I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near I am here, I am here All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I love that the song Marisha chose for Beau's memory of Molly is so much about being present in the face of tragedy. "I am here," can mean so many things. It can be a declaration of presence, or of defiance and resolve ("all of the this wrong, but I'm still right here"). For Beau, there may even be some survivor's guilt mixed in. She's still "here" when Molly isn't, because he was trying to protect her. What are the chances even a small part of her believes she doesn't deserve to be here?

Regardless, one thing remains: the worst has happened, but Beauregard is made of tenacity. Murder and kidnap her friends and she'll all but kill you with her bare hands. Beau may not be caring or soft in traditional ways, but she's fiercely protective of her friends and committed to keeping them safe.

I don't have the answers but the question is clear Let me ask you Where does everybody go when they go?

In Marisha's write-up for this song, she writes, "[this was Beau's] first real lesson that in this world and in this life that they're living, if you hold onto something that you want to say to someone, you might lose the opportunity forever, at any moment." This leads me to believe that this is the first time Beau has really had to grapple with the death of someone close to her. Even if Beau intellectually understands what death "is," actually wrestling with the knowledge that someone is just gone is a lot to process. I'm honestly not sure whether this would be easier or harder to grapple with in a world where there's proof of gods and an afterlife. I would imagine that people still wonder "where do you go when you die," and I don't think those answers would feel any clearer even if they factually exist.

May the light be upon me May I feel in my bones that I am enough I can make anywhere home

"My I feel in my bones that I am enough," is one of the lines that prompted me to write this post to begin with. I kept wanting to pick a favorite bit of the song before realizing how well all of it fits Beau. But this line, specifically, breaks my heart precisely because we know that Beau doesn't think she's enough. In fact, she often seems to be afraid of the very prospect--she feels compelled to couch her good intentions and kind gestures in self-effacing bravado and deprecation. She so desperately wants to be "enough," but is so used to being too much, or too abrasive for others that she has a tendency to put up walls to mask how much she seeks validation. The Mighty Nein--and Fjord and Jester in particular--were the first people to see past that and accept it. Fjord and Jester are also particularly good at seeing past her tough exterior in her more genuine moments (e.g. Fjord recognizing when Beau's actually being nice, even when it comes across as sarcastic; or Jester understanding what Beau is offering when she tries to downplay her ability to be a 'best friend,' in episode 46). Of the Mighty Nein, Beau has the fewest emotional ties to a given "home," (with the possible exception of Fjord), and has clearly decided that the Mighty Nein--wherever they are, and wherever they might go--are her home.

I can think of one thousand places much worse than this

And who wants to bet that even in their scariest moments, everything she's encountered with the Mighty Nein is still vastly better than where she started out?

#critical role #beauregard #cr playlist #cr meta #i realize this is like a month overdue #but as it turns out the holidays are pretty overwhelming when you work in retail #and i didn't have the time to write as much as i wanted to during the break #((love realizing hours after posting this that i mispelled the cr tag))

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readbythestarlight · 5 years

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c2e47

WE’RE FINALLY BACK YAY!

Based on Twitter Liam is more excited to be back than anyone and it’s great

Ayyyyyyy Matt looking good with that facial hair

Sam as President of D&DBeyond?

I’d vote for him

Oh I’m excited about the future D&DBeyond ads now

God I missed them over the break

A nat20 in the first rolls of 2019 this is a good omen

Damn Matt still killing it with the maps

I miss Ashley again already

Sam’s flask: "I am available to host the Oscars" I’d actually watch the Oscars if he did

Nat1 for Beau so that’s a bad omen

Oh ouch a nat1 for Jester too

Oh god there’s so many giant ocean monsters

Oh damn Caleb killed one already! Good job babe!! First kill of 2019 goes to the wizard.

Still two big ones tho and boy they are ugly

Oh god ANOTHER ONE

Beau PLEASE it’s too early to be nearly giving me a heart attack

lol Marisha hit Liam and made him spill some of his tea

Nott is here to save the day! She is the true hero of the M9

"That sounds like a waste of Beau’s time" Beau you are being rIPPED IN HALF

Travis is looking stressed (probably because he knows how it’ll fuck Fjord up if somebody dies during his backstory mission)

STUNNED IT YES atta girl Beau

Yay Beau is freeeee!

Wasted enemy nat20 excellent

SHIELD OF RETRIBUTION nice!

NICE just SHOVE that big crabby guy back

YASHA WITH THE FIRSR HDYWTDT OF THE YEAR YEAHHHHH

Yessss girl! They’re both stunned

Yeahhh nat20 go Beau!!!

My girl Nott taking out the next one yesss!

Poor Matt is a bit frazzled it’s okay Matt you’re still the best DM

Somebody get to Caleb quick now or he WILL go down

Beau and Fjord off to save their squishy wizard friend bless them

YESSS the ladies getting the job done tonight!!

Oh god CALEB

Paralyzed, poisoned, grappled oh no

Oh thank god for the transmuter stone

It’s a nest I’m calling it

YEAAHHH NOTT!

Nott and Caleb are going to have to work things out soon

Cad talking to plants is my favorite

Cad is just my favorite I love him

I don’t like the idea of them going underground under the ocean nope

Nott hates Fjord but also trying to hook Fjord and Jester up still because as far as she knows Jester still like-likes him

J: "Do you want to climb through it?"

N: "I don’t want to but I will. It’s my job."

The whole group needs to come together and realize that they have put Nott in a position of feeling like she is the one expected to go first into the dangerous unknown and that she probably feels expendable because of that

Cad apologizing to the seaweed when Yasha rips it

I’m curious about why Fjord is so instant that he needs to leave one of the orbs at all.

Oh look another skeleton

Oooo mystery potion

Oh no

Oh no is it Vandrin...?

Look at Travis’ face when Matt was describing everything he looked like he knew something

Don’t touch the skeleton there’s something about the skeleton

Travis was REAL afraid it was Vandrin

...Maybe the seaweed crushes you as you try to get out

Oh or maybe the crabs crushed him it’s fine

Oh I have such a bad feeling

"If something does go wrong that should be my burden." Oh Fjord.

Fjord gives me so many feelings, like I think he wants to to the right thing but he also wants answers and he’s got guilt and he’s got fears and he’s like got no idea what he’s doing and the group keeps looking at him like he does and I just have feels about Fjord

I’M HAVING A LOT OF FEELINGS WITH THIS FJORD AND JESTER INTERACTION

"dont turn evil. I mean if you do I’ll still be your friend it’s okay some people are just evil" Jester <3

Cad casting "protection from evil"

Everyone’s so worried about Fjord

I’m worried about Fjord

GASP HE USED HIS (real?) ACCENT

Oh god oh god he’s loosening the bindings oh god

He better get some cool new magic from this

I DONT LIKE THIS

Liam and Marisha look as stressed as I feel

So that must be the third temple. On an island or some place with mountains.

SWIM FJORD SWIM GET AWAY

Oh god I don’t like this

Wooo control water go Jester!

The clerics saving the day that geyser would have fucked then UP

AYYEEE MY BOY CONTROLS WATER NOW

...that’s actually bad tho god he shouldn’t have put that second one in. A single lock left isn’t enough security.

Oh god another ship RUN

Oh shit Caleb heard Fjord’s accent

Boy this whole thing has just been STRESS. I hope they just run away from this shop and leave sailing behind for a while.

We’re gonna have ourselves a proper sea battle here we go

Nope we’re gonna run?

Get Fjord and the clerics on the back to push

Goddd I can’t shake the theory that Sabien and Vandrin both survived and Sabien convinced Vandrin that Fjord was who blew up the ship to get the orb. And since Fjord now has U’kotoa as a patron it’s gonna look bad.

HOLY SHIT Cad capsized a fucking ship

Guys come on don’t fire on a capsized ship

Nott, Fjord, And Beau get WAY too caught up in the heat of the moment. If they weren’t so worked up they wouldn’t be shooting on an already dealt with ship

Oh sure now you pull in the survivors

"We just got taken out by the Ball Eater..."

A smiley face with risks and big googly eyes

Jester messaging her mom again I’ve missed that

So much loot!!

B: “We should put some money aside to pay the crew.”

F: “They die before we reach the shore.”

Everyone: 8O ???

Beau’s got lots of family issues that I can’t wait to delve into later

“You only get one family” FALSE she has found a new family you goober

Oh no

Oh Beau sweetie

Oh honey. That’s so sad.

Beau has a baby brother tho wow that could be fun later.

Oh baby giiiiirl.

Oh jeeze Nott’s tribe too...

Fjord just wants to find Vandrin like that’s been his main goal the whole time and I cry a little

Fjord wants out that’s good news

Although if U’kotoa does choose someone else then there’s only one temple left so that’s bad

Ooo the glowy orb will definitely be useful

Caleb says tree and Caduceus IMMEDIATELY puts the rock in his pocket

Nott should get the armor she rarely gets the new things. Although it would be cool if Jester had it too.

“I can claim ownership in name only, but we all know who the captain of this ship is” ORLI THAT’S SO SWEET!

That’s exactly how I hoped it would go tbh

“I wonder what Vandrin’s doing right now?” WHAT?!

“staying out of sight. making amends.” HE’S ALIVE!!!

I can’t wait to delve into Nott’s stuff. Going home. FINDING OUT WHO SHE’S BEEN SENDING STUFF TO.

The friend is the guy she freed isn’t he?

N: “You can make people see things that aren’t real and you can... can change things from one thing to another. You’re very good at that, aren’t you?” STOOOOOP

God I missed these nerds.

I’m not gonna be able to watch live for the whole next semester because I’m an idiot who signed up for a Friday morning clinic *cries* but I can’t wait for everything that comes next!

Happy Twenty-Nein-Teen, Criters!

#emi watches critical role #critical role spoilers #Critical Role

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