#ive never been more mad in my life

[maladaptivedaydreamsx]

not me immediately getting jude from this

who did you guys get? 👀

#idk any of them i just see jude around a lot so it made me chuckle #@/judejazza and their wonderful posts i often run into #victor is apparently my opposite from these options and elbert is my 2nd choice or smth #(friends and i usually do 'quizzes' 3x to get our main/secondary/opposite) #anyway im just snooping around now. still not sure how i feel abt it but was never too tempted for ikevil. #the less gacha in my life atp the better ngl ;;;;;;;; its why ive stayed away from most of the new games and tryna limit current ones #though if they ever do finally drop ikegen (unlikely asf) ..... count my ass in #i can't even be mad ikepri dropped bc ive enjoyed it so much more than i ever thought i would. easily my fav or 2nd fav bc ikerev #i still adore ikerev and magic and the world building and everything.. alice is just pretty dumb sometimes #which is why i adore b&tb-esque belle/emma so much. also why i like mai in some routes (ikesen humor op) #ikevamp has always just kinda been there tbh. usually the events feel more interesting than the routes ngl;;; charas are fun tho #anyway let's see how this bad boy goes #who did y'all get?? #ikevil #ikemen villains #my post 📫 #aerin.jpg #from the official ig acct btw

[lemongogo]

#this.discussion between them is one of my favorites #this and that exchange a while earlier where vash talks ab gunsmokes reliance on plants being a consequence of the big fall #and a necessary facet of survival for the ppl who live here despite how utterly awful an experience it is #for the both of them.the plants being used and the people forced by circumstance to use them until death ykyk #and i especially like.how vash is just so . baffled by the idea that knives somehow sees his ideology as this naive dream #as opposed 2 a reaction from the anger hes been harboring for SOO long. we SAWW it we saw how he reacted on the ship #we see it in the way he struggles 2 navigate life among ppl and how his body bears the scars of his pain and frustrations #his anger is sooo.Good. and formative.and wholly vash that i cannot imagine him without it #he never forgot teslas death / never will .and it motivates him just as much as rem's sacrifice n so on. #'ever since that day we've been mad' ....... prbably one of the best lines ive taken away #hashtag shinobu's 'yes im angry..ive always Been angry' monologue #i love how he includes knives in that anger too. its not just youre angry or im angry. its that We've been angry. Ever since that day. #going2 throw UPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and the way knives reacts 2 it too.using it to cement his grief and decision that if we had to suffer than its only fair they should too #fairness.and when he talks ab making it equal...giving whats been taken..always an interesting concept to use in a vengeful sense from the #more sensitive brother. i love it.LUVE ITTT #trigun spoilers #vash #knives trigun #trigun maximum #trigun #millions knives

[ei-mugi]

one time i was talking to my american online friends about stuff and i was like "haha yeah people always say i look ambiguously european but cant place what i am specifically" and they were like "i dont think europeans have a look though." what do you mean. you dont believe different ethnic features exist...?

#just was reminded of it lol #one i no longer talk to used to insist that i was british because of my not-british accent and would not believe me when i said #no... i dont live there #id told them i was aussie. they didnt believe me though. like they thought i inexplicably had a brtisih accent despite never #having been there ever #another i said i didnt get a SSCoE for HS but a diploma. thats not what diplomas are here but they kept insisting i was wrong #like i have the certificate....its not a diploma.......... thats not what it says. #but they were like just call it a diploma : / its basically a diploma #i know AU isnt that different to the US but at least we are usually a little less annoying #i did see that asshat who was like 'uhhhh climate change means you dont have snow? not for us australians a-durrrrr X D' or w/e #what a twat. even from a purely selfish perspective we still also have climate change. its very noticeable. come on #anyway for a full decade i basically never met anyone online who wasnt USamerican.................... #so. i do have some amount of frustration. #they got mad at me for saying bikkie or pressie as slang even tho theyre super easy to figure out from context. also it doesnt matter #'STOP using slang you KNOW us americans WONT UNDERSTAND' #we were talking about christmas!?!? pressie is straightforward!?!? even if not...why are you so indignant #on a more awful note i knew one sheila (white) who was like very vocally/performatively into blm #but then one time when i mentioned aboriginal australians she was like 'what...ive never heard of those before...' #youve known me for years even if you never looked at anything in your life ever id definitely mentioned them before #pretty fucking important. both for my country and when caring about indigenous/first nations peoples. oldest surviving culture on earth #but she was like how was i supposed to know about them : / #because i thoguht you cared about these issues!?!?!??!? also just generally ohhh my god #how could you be vaguely aware of AU history as being similar to your own and then say you didnt know we had indigenous peoples #like. what do i even say #do you think... only america has indigenous peoples?????? #its fine not to know a foreign countrys history in depth but just...the absolute basics....about an issue you claim to care about... #sigh. ok this is too long. i feel that last one is justified to complain about tho

[batz]

neurologist says my optic nerves are fine/same as last few appointments but still tells me to start taking 12 diamox a day and tells me to get out before i can ask why . also diamox like. cannot fix an issue involving my veins. but idk im not doctor so whatever

im 100% not taking 12 pills a day tho thatd hurt me. past few appointments hes just been rlly wanting me to have more diamox even tho he keeps saying im in remission but he wont answer when i ask why i need the meds then

#frank.txt #diamox doesnt even fix venous stenosis . its a diuretic that fixes like. pressure and water distribution n stuff #my jugular vein is too small and the blood flow sounds are simply Too Loud. its not effecting anything long term #but its causing migraines and nausea which is why ive been sleeping 24/7 . like my life has been sleeping. smoke. make coffee. read news #also i have never heard of someone taking 12 diamox a day. especially when im IN REMISSION #unfortunately its fatphobia. my neurologist is less concerned with my brain now and more concerned with making me smaller #which diamox already did and it was hell. #anyway im not going on 12 pills a day . that will just make me more sick. sticking with 4 and just seeing if it helps w Everything #the big thing is my optic nerves r still good at least. and my brain is too. its just my damn veins #theyre simply too small for my big blood... #fatphobia m #idk tagging that just in case #sorry minor venting abt medical shit. this disease is just annoying bc i do not feel like im in remission and i feel like they just #say that without knowing what it means #like theres no more damage and im basically all good but i still FEEL sick. like . idk its just Annoying #idk annoying is an understatement its distressing but i am learning 2 cope with it #just in a bad flare up or Sick Moment idk #long post #kinda idk #im FINE just mad

[theood]

Have to a call a job place back and it's giving me.so much fucking dread to do it

#elias howls #I just. i never wsnt to work anywhere. I really dont want to work there. i do not. but eveyones going to be mad at me if i dont tske the job #amd everyones already so fucking mad at me for not having a job and being stupid snd not going to college and not having friends and for not #making news one and not being able to do fucking anything #im so stressed over this and it's so fucking stupid I'm so fucking stupid its just a job so fucking what the manager put me off. boohoo #and its. ive been thinking since the interview that oh. no. i dont want to work thrte. that interview truly made me Not Want Too but I have #to right? because its the only place that has reached out. so i have to fucking take it or im wasting everyone's time and making them more #mad for having to keep fucking job searching. #my life is in fucking shambles. i dont even know why i do anything anymore 👍 like i can't do shit no fucking wonder i cant get hired look #at me

[wabblebees]

.

#been fighting for my fucking LIFE against a 24hr migraine #after gettin home from work yesterday i tried Everything. #sleeping+water+food+meds+staggering MORE meds+showering w/the lights off+massaging to release my clenched jaw+tea+sunglasses inside+etc #gave up on getting rid of it a WHILE ago & have just been riding the waves #so tell me why. just now. after eating thee Worst microwave burrito of my entire life. its FINALLY RECEEDED. to be just my normal headache. #im not joking. #the last 24hrs ive been making SURE to have Real Nutrients in my body bc ik thats like. step 1 to ''make the Pain Brain bearable'' #and yet nothing. NOTHING has put a dent in it. save for the worlds soggiest shittiest frozen burrito #im like. legit kinda mad abt this lmfao #i microwaved that fucker and horked it down even tho what ive been craving all day is mediterranean food bc we dont HAVE any close enough #but what we do have. is frozen shitty burritos. and granted ! my headache is not Gone. but my headache is NEVER Gone #ive had the same headache since i was 12 #but legitimately 2 minutes after that stupid burrito. we went from a 7/10 on the headache scale to a FOUR #infuriating. i deserve gyro after all that. or maybe shawarma... #neither of which we have in the house. terrible #anyway. complaint session over lmao #if u read this ily. mwah.<3 kthanxbye #bee speaks

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

ive been genuinely distressed about how bad my adhd has been this past month

#why did it take me 3 hours to make breakfast today. thats so embarrassing #i haev class in less than an hour and its killing me im so frustrated. thats 2 hours where i cant do anything #i am on the verge of just breaking down about it tbh because it never feels like i have enough time or energy #and it bothers me how much stimulation my brain needs constantly to the point where i cannot step away from socials cause my brain 'itches' #and when i do step away from socials my attention is so scattered that i forget what im doing #or it feels like there's zero cohesion to the step by step actions i need to take to finish a task #i hate adhd more than anything!! more than my trauma!! more than my physical issues!! #i normally leave these types of vents on my locked twitter but im feeling the tumblr tag complaints format lately lol #im just. so mad about how a lot of thinigs ive wanted to do in my life have been so so delayed because of my scattering interests - #-or that I really only have 4 hours in my day not occupied by me getting heavily distracted by something #fucking. oc projects from since i was 16 not coming into fruition ever. that is so . frustrating.

[timeisacephalopod]

Lol out of curiosity I looked up my old job on Indeed and yes they ARE urgently hiring for the position and if I didn't get treated like dog shit for expecting a stress free work environment with reasonable expectations and not wildly cunty management who seemed to be under the impression they were doing THE most important job at THE most important store ever maybe I wouldn't have just not shown up one day 🤷🏻‍♀️ asshole thing to do to my poor coworkers but I didn't even have the energy to quit right after spending a month and a half feeling deeply surveilled at every aspect of my job lest I get another frivolous writeup no one else got for doing their jobs worse than me so fine. You want me gone enough to threaten my livelihood and SHRUG when I point out I have rent to pay, fine, but I wouldn't put up with that behavior from anyone in my life generally and I LIKE those people so my JOB pulling bullshit? Oh hell no, if I wouldn't take it from people I CHOOSE to be around on purpose I ain't taking shit from a fucking JOB. I refuse to be in a work environment that's unaware it's a GROCERY STORE, not a 5 star establishment frequented exclusively by world leaders or some shit. Like Sam, my job is cooking food at a fucking sobeys and you're acting as if I'm disarming bombs it's so important get reasonable priorities and standards for employees and then apply them equally to managers and not EXCLUSIVELY minimum wage staff 🙄

Which is funny because my new job everyone seems surprised with how fast I've caught on to stuff down to a coworker yesterday telling me he thought I worked in a shoppers prior to the pharmacy I'm in because Im catching on so quick. This isn't unusual for me either, some time in the last five or so years I've found every workplace I'm at I end up being heavily relied on because I'm good at my job, so fucking sucks to suck for sobeys because it took me some week or so to be consistently praised for being better at the job than the guy I replaced only for them to throw that out because they think management should be able to do whatever the fuck they want while they shove minimum wage staff under a fucking microscope to ensure they're doing their shit right and even that isn't consistent. They punished me exclusively because I did not lay down to be treated as a door mat and dished the treatment I got handed. If you treat me like shit I WILL treat you the way you treat me, no worse, and sometimes a little better because I don't lose my moral standards in that treatment either. Just because I'm being an ass doesn't mean I'm willing to do whatever the fuck, just enough to ensure that the person who's decided I'm their new plaything knows that'll be going both ways so fuck off. I've never had a job so willing to keep on shit management they had at LEAST a dozen meetings with regarding performance and I was the one who got punished for being frustrated about that. But I will take a new significantly less stressful job 🙌🏻

#winters ramblings #anyway theyre “urgently hiring” and if they listened when the fuck i told them i was so stressed i was clenching my fists #so hard in my sleep my hands would be DEAD STIFF and locked in place in the morning and required me to carefully massage them #and exercise the muscles and even then my hands still hurt. i told them ive been throwing up from stress AND i told them i was job hunting #because this was all bullshit. they KNEW where i was at and they should have listened but they didnt so fine #fuck me around 17 ways to sunday teo can play at that game and i didnt come here to be involved in a game at all #but force me onto that fucking biard then dont get mad when i flip it and walk away #im a grown assed adult i have no patience for workplaces that don't understand youre not a fucking slave #and the workplace isnt something Extremely Important And Special its a cucking GROCERY STORE and i wasnt even workinh #one if the jobs that DOES absolutely make a grocery store necessary i made fucking hot food everyone treated as Top Notch Shit #when ut was frozen boxed chicken strips and ut us INSULTING to me to teach me HOW to cook fucking BOXED FOOD #and NO i did bot take that “”“too personally”“' while they were trying to ”improve“ store standards #its fucking BOXED CHICKEN STRIPS guys why the fuck are we treating it like ROCKET SCIENCE??!? #i dont actually think its unreasonable to be angry your manager cannot even trust you to make food from a fucking BOX #without a chef coming in and treating you like some kind of idiot whohas never made a food in my LIFE despite #me cooking a lot more complicated shit at home on a regular basis. give me a fucking BREAK acting as if #it was StOrE sTaNdArD changes or whatever do YOU nit understand boxed food isnt HARD to make or do you need that explained #to you?? like i take shit too personally no YOU have unreasonable standards for EXCLUSIVELY your lowest wage staff #and im NOT bring held to a higher working standard than MANAGEMENT

[pepprs]

STILL wide awake! i did not put down my phone! and now im hungry. so i will not be sleeping tonight ♥️

#purrs #also… im gonna admit it. ive been up for hours cleaning out… my toyhouse accounts. not cleaning them out but cleaning them up. and im so #FUCKING mad at my 18 year old self for giving away characters that meant so much to me to 12 year olds on warriors amino who never finished #their half of the art trade… and now so many of them are like. completely out of my reach and i can never get them back. im trying to ask #for the characters ive been able to find and track them down. which for ppl who actually love and care for them im sure is predatory and #annoying bc it’s like ok you made that choice so live with it. but im so fucking mad at myself and i wish i could undo it. i know it doesn’t #matter bc i don’t do that kind of deviantart stuff anymore but like.. i gave away characters who were so special to me growing up and now so #many of them are like.. on locked / unauthorized toyhouses or deleted or the person already owns them and is never trading them and #imjust so SAD!!!!!! over pixels i know. PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER over pixels. but im so saddddd aughhhhh #delete later #(i also did clean out photos and do practice drivers tests btw. but ive mostly been doing toyhouse stuff) #also im so sad and angry charahub went down and i didn’t even know it and i can’t access my data at allll like so much precious info #on there is gone forever. pain and suffering. also it’s worth naming im not in this to like have the best most expensive whatever designs im #doing this bc i desperately want to salvage every piece of my childhood / adolescence and never let go of anything in my life ever and when #i was 18 i thought i could run away from deeply permanently hurting and betraying a friend by selling all of my characters starting w the #ones they made me and then branching off into baiscally all of them to not make it look like it was just abt them bc i couldn’t bear to be #reminded of what i had done. and now i live with the consequences. in more ways than just the characters obviously. so there’s that #(i had my reasons for doing what i had to do btw. but i will never stop feeling guilty about it or regretting how it must have felt for them #bc we were like best friends and then i turned cold and awful because i didn’t know how to communicate my needs so instead i just shut them #out and didn’t even have the decency to explain why. and it fucking sucked that i did that. lol) #* ​and still sucks. and i think abt it all the time and try not to talk about it for a lot of reasons but here i am so. lol

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

putting so much of myself into ttid party created a self fulfilling prophecy i think. i too am horrible with my emotions and i say things when i know i shouldnt and am now slowly fucking up every relationship in my life because i am just fucking designed to hurt the people i care about ig.

whatever it fucking fine ill make things work out for them at least. one of us deserves it

#aha. ahaha. #me when i know ill never be as important to my friends as they are to me #me when i know im only beung kept around until someone better comes along and i cant even be mad abt ut bc they deserve better #me when i fuck up and i know im in the wrong and i cant even fucking apologize #and of course i get a fucking migraine to top it all off bc why would i be allowed to go more than two days without one?? #but no its fine it fiiiiiine ive been lonely my entire fucking life i knew this was temporary i can deal with it again #its senior fucking year anyways i just have to make it to june and then i can disappear from everyone ive never really mattered to #vent #delete later

[todayisafridaynight]

YEAH NO TONBI GOT HANDS.......... my timing on suggesting it may be Questionable but I AM very glad it holds up as a movie :] hopefully the interview and We Make Antiques are fun diversions! But also take it easy <3 can confirm Nakai is Pretty Moe in both though <3 And I WILL harass you about Masato's VA next week...

TBF YOU SUGGESTED IT A WEEK OR SO AGO twas on me for taking a while to get to it... nevertheless i did really enjoy it thank you..... AND YAYA IM SO STOKED TO WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW AND WMA2 THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆!!!!!

esp cant wait to hear about masato's VA in the future.. 👁️👁️

#snap chats #LISTEN i think we all just have to accept at this point any time there's a story about a doting father or fts a doting father #i will cry like its unavoidable. so whether my life's falling apart that week or everything's fine #There Will Be No Difference In How Much I Cry ☠️☠️ im just built terribly what can i say it makes for GREAT inspo tho #tonbi WAS real cute tho and i did enjoy it a lot Because yasu did remind me of my dad a lot #very lucky to say my dad's never slapped me or thrown water in my face tho so LMAO BUT FOR THE MOST PART Yeah... #in a way it weirdly felt like watching an AU of my life. if i may sound insane. listen i already said the kid's name had me twisted LISTEN #fr tho cause ive always wondered what my life wouldve been like if i was able to be raised by my dad instead #im gonna make myself start crying if i get too deep into it LMAO NEEDLESS TO SAY i really enjoyed the movie :) #EVIL that they really did let us see akira get married and now yasu gotta give a speech and If He IS Anything Like My Dad #i know damn well he was winging it and didn't prep a script and I Will Start Crying if i think back to my sis's wedding #STILL MAD THAT THE ONE TIME I HAD TO PISS WAS RIGHT BEFORE HIS SPEECH BUT WHATEVER MOVING ON #said i wasnt gonna talk bout the movie/my dad anymore lest i make myself UPSET yet here i am... always saying more when i shouldnt ☠️ #but yeah... i have ONE (1) more comm this week Lest Someone Wants To Snipe A Spot IDK #SO im gon do that :] #and im kinda tired rn... but the uncertainty of how much time i have nowadays urges me to work on it a bit #i dont THINK it should take super long but it IS a full-rendered piece so.... it will take time needless to say #n e way not to sound insane but nakai is An Endearing Chap. is the most sane way i can put it #i mentioned it durin a stream but somethin bout him just naturally exudes cute... idk... im delirious probably ANYWAY BYE FR NOW #CANNOT WAIT for next week to be harassed 🥰🥰

[koheletgirl]

we're all going to hell

#would you look at that. they found a way to make this worse #istg if the protesters stop now im burning this whole country down #ofc they found a way to turn this into a way to violate evem more human rights #if there is one thing this country can do is distract the ''left'' while finding new ways to opress palestinians #ive never been this mad in my life #politics cw

[snekdood]

Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.

#im like one of the most careful fucking people in the world istg #even before all of this but now especially after this bc im operating under the assumption that ppl see me as if im not #i almost feel brainwashed by what i think others perception of me is like online. #and then i try to go through the steps i think someone who did fo those things would do. or as if i did do those things and what id do #in that situation afterward. but i didnt do those things. and i dont need to live and operate as if i did to prove to other ppl i have the #emotional and mental maturity that i do #i dont need to sit here and let people gaslight me into their perception of me or at least what i think it is #i am such a good stinky lil guy. its people like my ex and the people around them online that brought out all this bitterness in me. #i resent those people so much. and i cant help but feel like theyre all stalking me still all the time. they want me to live like that too #like im in a panopticon. but this is what im saying- if i move on like i know myself and operate as myself the way ik myself #THOSE PEOPLE will come around and then act like im ignoring the situation with my ex and 'trying to escape responsibility' #i dont know why i feel so obedient to their perception. i mean i guess i know why like probably bc of my brother pushing me into a box #and me feeling like i have to stay in there or be abused. i feel the same way with my ex- if i dont act like ive been in the box they put #me in this whole time then they are going to get mad at me and try to come after me more i feel like. #i feel like thats when theyre really going to try to sic their followers or friends after me. #idk but im going to stop. i dont care how you see me. its not real. its not true. it never was. i was abused by this person and thats the #final truth about it. im not saying i couldnt have been reactively abusive sometimes with them but all the things they say i did #that they did to me but say i did but x10 worse? no. fuck off. thats not fucking me. you DONT KNOW ME. YOU HAVENT BEEN AROUND ME #ALL MY LIFE GROWING UP. IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW ID NEVER DO THAT SHIT. YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT. #which is why i know you dont know me. none of you do. im tired of operating the way i think you want me to. #im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad #im tired of trying to see things the way they do. how my ex is probably just this dumb scared kid inside who does dumb shit and doesnt #think about the consequences and doesnt care about the consequences of their actions because their only priority is #self preservation. like i dont care. i understand but i dont care. they still hurt me. they still did what they did to me. #they still know they did something wrong otherwise they wouldnt have started this whole smear campaign. #im tired of trying to sympathize with them. give them a million chances to change. do what i can to encourage them to actually have empathy #even towards the people they hurt and like to smear. #because they dont do the same for me. i know. i know theyre still shit talking me. i know they cant stop because if they did theyd have to #have more empathy about me on a whole lot of things they dont want to think about bc they dont want to feel about how they treated me #and continue to treat me by keeping up this narrative abt me online. they dont give a fuck so why am i extending so much to them.

[angelhound]

.

#have been writing lately instead of painting and idk…. how i feel about that #never have i considered myself a writer #i mean i write bad romantic poetry sure. but im writing fiction. novels if u will. and i Like it. :/ #its uncomfortable. idk. maybe if i make companion paintings itll feel less obscure. perhaps a web comic will come out of it #ive never been into structured writing ever ever. but it felt… salty. like sweat drying on your skin. gratifying. to finish a whole piece. #it was a fit of mania perhaps. and i have more still bubbling there is much to create. i just have never created in this format before #hate it almost. digging my heels but its pointless to resist where the water knows to go you know? i cannot feel this way about painting #if that is not what is meant to be made at this time. the wild horse of inspiration will not bend to my comfort #yes i know i am an artist in the worst way. yes im aware of how i sound. i am not proud but i suppose i cannot either be ashamed #if i cannot be another way #idk i always wanted to be an airhead lol. before anyways. my grandfather does not understand his gift is as enviable as my own #hes not an airhead you could not imagine so after listening to him. but he is enigmatic in that way. #socialized better maybe. the gift of living as you imagine because you are not imagining at all #i never wanted to be reclusive. driven by fits of madness. but i dont have another way known to me #the life i imagine is lived by those who are not imagining it #but idk i think less nowadays. it helps to figure myself an unsocialized dog. something to be solved by careful hands #ugh. god with how i talk sometimes i wonder how it surprises me to become a pos writer. who else talks like that #anyways im incredibly ill still lol going to again attempt to shower the virus out of me

[enbyeddiediaz]

fuck.

#sorry im having feelings abt holding my baby brother's face in my hands and feeling stubble on his cheeks #its like. youre so big!!! im so proud of you!!! youre growing up!!! oh. youre growing up. #youre not the baby who's diaper i tried to change when i was three anymore #or the six year old i held when our parents got mad at you for adhd outbursts #or even the fourteen year old who walked with me to your very first day of high school #what happened!! #ive never been more proud of someone in my life. i miss being a kid with you #liz rambles

[toastsnaffler]

this assay is so fucking fake......

#same one ive been working on for like 3 months. every other assay ive trained on took me a couple goes to get but ive done this one ~45x #and i keep getting 2 good runs and then 1 fail. which SUCKS bc i need 3 passes in a row to sign off on it #and its so sensitive that changing even tiny things like using a different brand same volume beaker. or a 0.5cm longer flea #anyway i had another 2 good runs this week so this was my 3rd but bc its a friday afternoon im tired as fuck and keep making dumb mistakes #like overstirring it + one of my samples leaked which is soooo embarrassing bc ive already had to ask for more before bc its taken me- #almost 50 fucking attempts already #anyway. hour and a half into prep and im at the most crucial time sensitive part which is pipetting thr enzyme into the substrate #and i manage to do it all w even time spacing (u have to replicate the exact same pace at the end of the timer or it doesnt work) #and then realise id picked up a different identical model pipette that was set to half the volume i was meant to put in FUUUUCK #by that point i was like fuck it im almost 2 hours in and nothing else to do the rest of the day. so ill work around it + see what happens #i figured well its half the volume. so if i add the same half volume again at the 5 minute mark and leave it for 12.5 instead of 10 mins #then itll hydrolyse the substrate to the same degree. IN THEORY in practice this stuff never works bc of error margins etc #bearing in mind this js like 30 seconds of thought bc it took me a couple mins to realise what i did #but the thing abt working in a lab is u make these split second decisions constantly bc everything is so time sensitive #so u have to be quick thinking on ur feet #anyway long story short got to the end of the 3 hour process. which i was carrying out v sloppily bc the chances of it working were- #slim by that point lmao. but lo and behold it was completely fucking fine. all cvs less than 5% and averages <5% of spec #which is awesome bc it means after THREE MONTHS and like. 45x3 whats that AT LEAST 135 HOURS OF FOCUSED TIME ON IT #not counting attempts i gave up on halfway thru bc id alreaady fucked them up bad #i can FINALLY sign off on it lmfao. but im just so mad like why does it play these mind games with me. it shouldnt have worked #whatever chemistry is such a fickle stupid science. anyway wahoo weekend time baby #gorgeous weather here + im gonna get pizza on the way home...... maybe life doesnt suck sometimes 😇 #mutuals if ur still at work stay strong soldiers #.diaries