#mel's Illness™ chronicles

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Why is it so hard...to do things.............

#I EVEN WENT TO BED EARLY AND GOT LOTS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT #I should NOT be experiencing fatigue #mel's Illness™ chronicles

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So much of therapy has been, "I think this is what I want" and then making steps to get that and realizing you are incorrect, you want something else. You don't know what it is, but it's something else. And then you think you figure it out and the cycle starts. All over again. Rinse and repeat until the end of time.

#MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE #WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK TO GO BACK TO THERAPY I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF #mel's Illness™ chronicles

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Being severely mentally ill is living therapy session to therapy session.

#I would. LOVE. for this ONE (1) thing to not be a problem anymore. but unfortunately it's been a problem for years so. #mel's Illness™ chronicles #I can't even like. talk about it in a non-therapy context. #which makes it EXTRA hard

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*sigh* We may not make the "finish this by end of November" goal, my dudes.

#abundant apologies to anyone who is praying for me to shut up about this fic #the Fog is just. my god it's so bad. #got lab results back and there are. Problems™. that need to be fixed. so like good news is there might be an actual explanation. #bad news is that there are. as I mentioned. Problems™. #I'm so tired of having a body that will not fucking work #mel's Illness™ chronicles #I also hope that anyone who for whatever reason IS looking forward to this isn't expecting it to be GOOD. like I think we've long-passed #the feasibility of that goal #anyway if anyone has any tips about how not to tie your worth to an idealized vision of productivity/task output let me know!

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Sometimes I'm like "What if I'm actually just lazy and there's nothing physically wrong with me and I'm exaggerating my Condition(tm) to make excuses for not doing things.

And then I'll remember that, No, it is not normal to lose all of your energy and mental capacity cooking one (1) simple meal after spending all day sedentary.

#I know there's a post that's like 'I can only do one thing a day' and idk if it was #an exaggeration for comedic effect or not but LITERALLY I can only do One Thing a day #unless I luck out and get a Really Good Day every few weeks but then I'm still wiped out by the end of it #my god I wish my body fucking worked lmao #mel's Illness™ chronicles

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I think that The Rumination™ should go away. I think I should be free.

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Idk, I just...really hate having a brain/body that won't work. The Condition™ is so bad that I literally cannot focus on ANYTHING, even things that mean a lot to me. I can't string sentences together, doing any kind of standing physical activity for longer than 15 minutes will wipe me out for the rest of the day, and I am SO. TIRED. Sleep doesn't help. Caffeine doesn't help. Meds don't help. All of my labs keep coming back in range, and I just don't understand what's happening. What do I need to do.

#like...I know that having The Disorder™ uses up a larger percentage of brain power and there's probably something to be said #about the Mental Stuff being so bad that my systems are in survival mode and diverting everything into keeping me sort-of-emotionally-stabl #but like. it is NOT supposed to be the case where EVERYTHING is this hard. I can't write. I can't exercise. I can't process new information #and I try! I sure try! but I used to be able to actually LEARN shit and now I'm lucky if ANYTHING translates. #SOMETIMES I can accomplish something but it takes FOREVER. MUCH longer than anyone would consider a reasonable amount of time. #and the thing is that I NEED to be able to learn and complete tasks to have a fulfilling life! even if I could guarantee that I would #never have to work again I would still need those things to be happy! #so it kind of just feels like it's impossible for me to be happy! which really sucks!!! #and I know I'm being fatalistic and I'm going to keep trying and I know that I have very good friends and a very good dad who don't care #that various parts of me don't work the way they're supposed to but I'm just!! so!!!! frustrated!!!!!!!!!! #In the Vents #mel's Illness™ chronicles

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Welp. Going to have to try new meds for The Condition™ which, I'm glad to be trying something different to manage the physical symptoms, but also. Terror.

#why is managing your health. so hard. why are human bodies so complicated and messy. #mel's Illness™ chronicles #WHEN THINGS AREN'T WORKING YOU HAVE TO INTRODUCE UNKNOWN VARIABLES SOMETIMES BUT CONSIDER THAT I GET BRAIN HIVES #OVER INTRODUCING UNKNOWN VARIABLES

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Anyone else out here feeling disconnected from their own humanity.

#WILL! MY! BRAIN! LET! ME! LIVE! #like I ran into a meds delivery issue so that's part of why the past week has been so Bad™ & it's finally fixed now but jfc brain calm down #I just feel like everyone else lives on some plane of existence that I will never EVER have access to #and I can keep being myself and keep hoping that eventually I'll meet someone who lives on MY plane but I've been wandering around #for 30 years up here and I really haven't made any actual progress. #the only thing left is to just not care if I ever have someone else on my general plane of existence and I have been TRYING to do that #for god knows how long but with the way my health is...I cannot do this by myself. at least not for the immediate future. #like genuinely I need to not be alone but what do you do when your life looks so different from everyone else you know? what do you #do when everyone else has had at least one 'normative' experience (or a socially-acceptable excuse for not having them) and you never have? #what the actual fuck are you supposed to do with that???? #everything good that has ever happened in my life has depended on how well I can perform being a neurotypical person. and I just. #the physical stuff prevents me from being able to actually do that anymore. #so now there's just...nothing. there's nothing that will ever allow me access to the good parts of society #and I gotta say that is a really REALLY miserable outlook to be stuck with right now #In the Vents #mel's Illness™ chronicles #okay I think maybe. I should go be creative or something. or sleep. or take a shower. idk.

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I have to talk about something really scary in therapy today and I know I need to. I know. But my GOD I am not looking forward to this.

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Girl had to do Exposures™ in her therapy session today, 14 dead, 27 injured.

#mel's Illness™ chronicles #like. it helped. I got a lot of really good information out of it. but jfc.

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*stomping on my kitchen floor and banging my fists against the cabinets like a 4-year-old child* But I don't WANNA go to the lab again tomorrow.

#unfortunately. when the only way to manage The Condition™ is by taking a medication that produces a thing your body is not producing. #and you do not know how MUCH of that thing your body needs to produce. taking that medication is a matter of trial and error and you have t #keep going back again and again. to see if it's working. #at least this one isn't like 20+ miles away and I don't have to go during rush hour #mel's Illness™ chronicles

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Sure had a Revelation™ in therapy today.

#a good one. but like. have to restructure entire parts of recovery now. #mel's Illness™ chronicles

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I really should know better at this point, because every time I say, "I'm going to get SO much done tonight!!" I fall asleep at 7 pm and then am Out™ for a minimum of 12 hours.

#HOPEFULLY this means I will have enough energy to get through TODAY but we'll see #also I got my lab results back but I'm too scared to look at them #mel's Illness™ chronicles

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Going to a specialist today which will HOPEFULLY shed some light on how to best manage the Symptoms™ so...good vibes appreciated? I guess???

#mel's Illness™ chronicles #ugh. like if I sleep for 12 hours then I can have. half of a good day. sometimes. I would like to not. live like this. that might be. nice.

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Everyone say thank you to my therapist.

#said therapist is the reason I'm not even more deranged on here than I already am #mel's Illness™ Chronicles