#my face and body language remain in the same state that they're always in

[goodypowderandacocola]

my static facial expressions come in clutch once again as I try to be fake mad about something as a joke and then accidentally make the person I'm trying to joke around with think I'm serious.

#im deadass i'm trying to act mad about shit that doesn't matter as a joke but unfortunately #my face and body language remain in the same state that they're always in #thus upsetting the person i'm trying to joke around with #awesome #i'm so glad i'm like this #i love that i can't outwardly express my emotions with my face and body language #good to know the rbf extends everywhere else #shut up liz

[endless-ineffabilities]

the flames that divide

Aemond Targaryen x f!Reader (nsfw / 18+)

part three of the prūmia va perzys (heart on fire) series

part one: don't you love me? - part two: and what of your love? - part four: the aftermath

themes: angst, smut, mention of violence, language, dragonrider!reader (her house is not stated)

word count: 3.6k ▪︎ masterlist

Aemond makes a decision about his impending marriage to Alys Rivers, and it's not without its consequences.

You wake slowly, drifting peacefully into consciousness, the haze of dawn pouring into the room, your lover still asleep beside you.

Aemond. He is on his side, one arm slung over you, keeping you close. His face gently rests on your shoulder, and his lips are parted in slumber.

Those perfect lips that traced every contour of your body last night.

Seven hells, I love you.

Careful not to wake him, you let your fingers drift on the side of his face, lightly touching in reverence. His sapphire eye gleams up at you, more beautiful than any of the stars in the heavens.

You can't recall for certain what your favourite color was before seeing it, but now and always, it will remain the same deep, endless blue.

Then, he smirks.

The bastard is awake. "Why have you stopped, my love? Don't mind me, just keep on."

He brings his hand to yours, the one resting on his face, and nudges it to continue its movement.

You smile, "Good morning, you menace."

"I love you too." He whispers, leaning on his arm and hovering over you, “I’ve decided that we could just stay here for the rest of our days. Easily sustain ourselves by putting our field to good use, and we'll go riding on dragonback together, seeing the world, even beyond the Seven Kingdoms."

The image he conjured up was beautiful, but it also elicited a deep kind of pain unlike anything you've ever felt. He was describing a dream. And, reality is often not conducive to dreams.

"Hmm," your voice comes out weak, "that sounds like a good idea, Aemond."

He immediately knows exactly how you're feeling, and how much torment the idea brings. All at once, he feels hate. For everyone. For himself. For his family, the Greens, the Blacks. Why did everything have to be so fucked? Why does he have to be the way that he is? Why can't the two of you just be happy?

It feels like a ceaseless cruel joke that he's been dealt with. He wants to give you everything, but by simply being who he is, he can't.

"We can venture out into the Free Cities this instant." He positions himself above you, forearms framing your face.

"When do we leave?" You whisper in return.

"Hmm," he kisses you, and you think of how there's no better way to wake up than this, "shortly after."

"After, my love?" You ask, but you can already feel him, pressed against your stomach, preparing to anchor himself into your flesh.

"Mhmm," he begins peppering your body with kisses, from your neck to the flesh between your thighs, hands eagerly exploring where they please. His fingers travel downward, and start to glide against your folds. Smooth circular movements that ignite the fire. He lifts himself and kneads his cock with the wetness of your core, priming you for entry.

His hands finds yours, steady on either side of your head.

"Look at me." He commands.

So you do. And, slowly, then all at once, he enters you.

You moan in unison, grinding against each other. And the entire time, he holds your gaze. The way your name keeps spilling from lips - like in prayer, like a spell being cast - sounds nothing short of maddening.

Aemond fucks you desperately, making a wild mess out of you. Hoping that perhaps, if he does it hard enough, then maybe the both of you can forget about everything. And moments later, as he drives you to see stars, you think of how it all feels like a dream.

You realize that dreams are real. They're the way his skin feels against yours, how the words 'I love you' sound from his lips, the tranquility that simply being with him allows.

If being with Aemond was your reality, then reality just might be a dream, after all.

But then again, dreams are typically shattered upon waking.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

Putting on your black riding boots, the last piece of clothing still left on the floor, you start to feel a sense of dread. Aemond has dressed prior and is leaning casually by the wall, watching you with his signature smirk. Just a minute ago, he had quipped about being disappointed that you were getting dressed, your "goddess-like" body being shielded from his view.

But what's going to happen afterward?

"Aemond." You look up at him, trying to send a message with just a look.

"Yes, we can just stay here, my love." He smoothly says, not missing a beat.

You're not having it anymore. "What about your marriage?"

"Don't." His entire demeanor changes, losing all his sly playfulness.

"What about Alys Rivers?"

"She does not matter."

"She is your betrothed. She should matter." You stand, arms crossed, trying to catch his eyes, but he is adamant in looking away.

"My love," he moans in exasperation. He doesn't want to reveal the true reason of why he chose Alys Rivers. More than a whim, as he wants to make himself believe. More than how amusing and strange she might be. More than how she defies nearly all the standards warranted of a royal consort for someone of his status.

"Prince Aemond's Alys," as she likes to call herself, was more than just a Strong bastard. She was a Strong bastard witch.

Aemond has only read about the religion of R'hollor in ancient texts, never seeing any proof with his own eyes, until Alys.

She knew things. She could see things. She promised Aemond that she can all but guarantee victory for the Greens, more especially for Aemond, if he just gives himself to her.

He thought, if marriage with you was not possible, then why not choose a marriage that would actually prove to be beneficial. A marriage that would give him power.

When he made his decision, he allowed himself to close his heart to you, even just for a moment. His anger won over - how you abandoned him, how you did not endeavour to see him or speak to him. He thought if he was not going to marry his love, then what better than a fucking witch.

"It's not that simple," is all that comes out of him.

"It is," you raise your voice, "don't marry her because you love me!"

"She may..." he paces the room slowly, "She may yet be of use to me."

"What the fuck does that mean? Do you care about her?"

"Not in the way that you think."

Frustration bubbles up inside you. Why is he being so cryptic? You sigh, "So tell me then. Make me understand, Aemond."

Aemond doesn't know what to say, without arousing any more of your anger. Should he reveal that Alys may help his side win the war, then that ultimately means that your side will be defeated. Most likely even amassing more casualties. More people whom you care about.

Of course, Aemond would never let anything happen to you. As a matter of fact, he's doing this for you. So this war can finally end, and you can spend the rest of your days together. But that wouldn't matter. You will never be able to see past this. Aemond taking up another lover, simply for the purpose of bringing about the downfall of the Blacks. You would never want to speak to him again. Should you feel compelled to kill him, he wouldn't blame you.

So what the fuck do I do, my love? What can I do, that won't result in losing you? Aemond's torment can be reflected in his expression, in his steely gaze.

"I will not marry her. But, if I am to be honest, she will be still be present, for other reasons." Does that sound neutral enough? No, even that is not enough.

"Is she to be your whore?"

"No." He says firmly, but he's not entirely sure what Alys would want from him, in exchange for her prophecies, for the words she hears from the fire, for the visions presented to her in the smoke and in the storm clouds.

“But?”

“She may stay.”

“And you can’t tell me the true reason why.” You feel everything start to unravel. You and him reunited, and made your desires heard, ending in a clash of love and lust beneath the sheets. A year of longing, desperation, uncertainty, and betrayal – all seemingly resolved, somewhat, in a long night of uninhibited passion. But were you simply pretending not to see? Who he is, and who you are? Can you ever truly see eye to eye, and be together?

Aemond reaches for your hand, and you’re too weak to fend him off, even though your pride screams at you to do so.

“Please understand, my love.” His voice comes out tired. “Alys… she… can see things. She has already been of help to me in a previous battle, and if she continues to help me, I may gain enough of an advantage to finally to put an end to this fucking war, once and for all.”

“You mean…” A name comes to mind, taken from the histories which you pored over so diligently. “she’s a… witch? She has visions? That is all real?”

He nods once, “That’s the only reason why I’m not getting rid of her yet. She will never replace you. To even think such a thing is ludicrous and senseless. She’s merely a tool that I’m using to win this war, so that we may be together…”

“And how will she help you? Perhaps by telling you where Daemon or Rhaenyra might be, and when is the best time to strike, so that you may kill them? What if she says that the next step will be to kill me? What if that will turn the tide to your favour? Aemond…”

“I would never let any harm befall you.” Aemond feels insulted that you would imply such a thing. His impatience grows, and his tone sours, “Don’t you want this to cease? The Blacks will never surrender, even though they should-”

“You mean we should surrender? You would have to take me into account as well. I am part of the Blacks, after all, Aemond.”

He feels you pulling farther and farther away, but he moves closer, his face inches from yours, “You know I’m right. If that traitor Rhaenyra had only accepted the terms that my mother had presented then…”

“If only you had not chased your young nephew Lucerys while riding the world’s largest war-dragon, leading to his demise, then the rightful Queen Rhaenyra might have been more lenient in dealing with you traitors.” The words spill out you, spiteful and unrelenting, not giving any mind to how it might sound.

Clearly, that struck a nerve, and you had meant it to. The tension is overwhelming, as if one of you might draw your sword at any moment.

You wait for him to speak up and defend himself, to finally reveal his anger to you. You lean back on one heel, preparing for the onslaught.

Instead, he grabs your face roughly, and pulls you in for a searing kiss. His tongue invades your mouth, protest dying between your lips. You can’t pull away, you don’t want to. So you grab on to him with the same passion, the same desperation. Your hands unconsciously reach up to entangle in his white-golden hair. You kiss him with rage, you kiss him with love. He uses his mouth to extinguish your frustration, even if only for a moment.

And finally, all too soon, you part.

“Ñuha perzys.” My fire, he whispers against you, like a solemn prayer, “One could say that you are the bane of my existence. And, yet, you are the reason for it, as well.”

“Don’t do it. Don’t meddle with such things. You don’t need her.” You whisper, throat feeling thick with emotion, but you know he has already made up his mind. One thing that made you fall in love with Aemond was his relentlessness, his drive, after all. Though these unavoidably get misguided.

“Do you trust me?” Your face is held tightly in his hands, eyes searching yours.

“No,” you shake your head, barely, “yn, avy jorrāelan.” …but, I love you.

He nods, and as he always does, lovingly connects his forehead to yours.

For now, that is enough.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

The ride back to King’s Landing was a quiet one, Aemond still reeling from the feeling of your skin on his, and the sounds emitted from your lips in the darkest hours of the night. As well as the severity of your words, but your rage only spurred his admiration on.

He had missed you, there was no doubt. He is determined not to be apart from you again, at least not for so long a time.

He has just had audience with his mother, the Lady Alicent, about his intention to put a stop to his wedding to Alys Rivers. This proposal was met with as much enthusiasm as a stern mother would allow, given one who never approved of his betrothed in the first place.

Alicent Hightower sat there, mulling over her more favoured son’s words, wondering what might have led him to making such a rushed decision.

“I realize the impropriety of it all, mother,” he said, not revealing the entirety of his reasoning. “You were right about Alys. She does not hold nearly high enough of a status to be my lady wife.”

“And how did you not come to this conclusion sooner?” Alicent asked gently. Aemond had come into her quarters unannounced, but she has always been glad for his visits. Now, even more so.

“I suppose I was acting out of spite. You’re well aware of what I think of marriage, especially in these times, when protecting our claim to the Iron Throne is most paramount. And, my being wed to a bastard of House Strong will not serve any purpose.” Aemond spat, unable to hide the disgust in his words. That disgust stemmed from Alys not being you, rather than her being a bastard, but Alicent need not know that.

“I shall inform the council of your decision. You must not act hastily again, Aemond. There are heavy costs to be incurred.” Alicent declared.

“Hmm.” Her son agreed.

“What of Lady Rivers? Shall I send for her to be taken away?”

“No, I will deal with her.” Aemond said, and Alicent was not sure what to make of that.

“Will you be keeping her, Aemond?”

Her son said nothing, resolute in staring at the flames dancing in the hearth.

She continues, “There is no need to feel ashamed if you wish to have her as a bedmate, Aemond. You are the prince, so it would be an honour for her to-”

Aemond stood abruptly, halting his mother’s words, who merely looked up at him, waiting.

“I shall take my leave now, mother.”

Alicent rose, taking his hands for a moment, before he walked out swiftly. In the back of her mind, briefly, she had thought of you. In her eyes, you had been the only woman for whom Aemond had expressed any strong affection for. She wondered if you might have influenced his decision now.

But how could you have, if you were lost to him?

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

“I no longer wish to be wed to you. I apologize for any inconvenience or displeasure that this may cause, my lady, but I have made up my mind. You know full well that my heart was never truly in this union, and I am convinced that you have the same sentiment.”

Aemond wastes no time in making his intentions known to Alys, whom he called to his chambers after speaking with his mother.

If Alys Rivers is surprised by this declaration, her expression does not betray her. She merely sits across her now former betrothed, taking in his words.

“Aemond…” she opens her mouth to speak, but Aemond merely halts her with a raised hand.

“As for our arrangement… there is no reason for that to cease along with our betrothal. You will continue to be in service to me. You will continue to impart your visions, truthfully, so that I may win this war.”

“With all due respect, my prince Aemond,” The title always sounds lewd coming from her, as if she means to claim him by saying it, “why the fuck should I do that?”

Aemond’s gaze becomes steely and unwavering, meant to dispel any dissent coming from Alys. She may be a witch, but he will never allow her to have any power over him.

“Because, my lady, if not for me, you would have likely been raped and murdered upon our taking of Harrenhal. You owe your life to me, and as it stands, I demand your loyalty.” His voice lowers, as he continues, “Refuse, and I’ll have no further use for you. Although… the Street of Silk customarily remains in need of women of your calibre.”

The final insult hangs in the air, solidifying how Aemond views his former betrothed.

Alys’ demeanor morphs into one of acquiescence. But there was a darkness simmering within. She stands abruptly, ignoring the need to wait for his command, “Will that be all, Aemond?” No longer her Aemond, but he might have never been hers, after all.

She stares at him, one which he does not return. His mind is elsewhere. His mind is on you.

“My prince?” she asks again, frustrated by his callous ignorance of her.

“Hmm.” He wags two fingers, carelessly, in the direction of the door. Leave.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

Alys had been moved from her royal quarters, into one which is smaller, in the lower levels of the palace.

Chin held high, she tried her best to ignore the whispers and penetrating stares of onlookers, as she was escorted through the halls, with her meager possessions in her arms. Word quickly spread of the prince’s decision, and the festivities were immediately put to a halt. Most of the lords and ladies could not hide their satisfaction at the dismissal of the bastard lady, whom they never favoured as their new princess.

Among all the items in her quarters, she had held on to an ornate red box, about the size of her forearm. She did not seem to mind leaving the rest, even if she was given leave to take anything she wished.

It was the miniature red trunk, one which she already had, prior to being taken from Harrenhal, that she chose to take.

As moonlight begins to bleed faintly in her small window, she holds the box open in her lap, facing the humble hearth.

Aemond did not know this, but she knew of you. The Lord of Light had opened her eyes to your existence, to your parasitic intrusion to her relationship with Aemond. The Lord of Light had whispered the truth to her. When he left the feast, some nights before, she had known that it was to see you.

It was only a matter of time, according to her Red God, before she would have to act in order to secure her position. To have a higher power over the realm. To have a permanent stake in Aemond’s heart.

And the time has come. She sees you in the night sky, a triumphant smile on your face, riding on dragonback. Through the flames, through the eyes of the Lord of Light, she sees.

The time has come. And so she begins.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

You prepare to depart Horn Hill, walking towards your dragon, Fyraxes. House Tarly had called for aid, as they had been under siege by the Hightower and Lannister armies, who wanted to claim their land and resources for the Greens.

Instead of sending knights, Jacaerys had proposed coming on dragonback – a better show of force to the surrounding armies, making them measly in comparison. You had eagerly volunteered to join him, and Daemon was also quick to follow, saying, “Any chance to burn those fucking Greens, I’d happily take.”

So the three of you went, and as predicted, the Green armies stood no chance, and House Tarly remains intact and well-defended.

“Well done, Jace, Y/n.” Daemon calls out, preparing to mount his dragon as well.

“Back to Dragonstone, is it, then?” you smile, pleased about today’s small yet significant victory.

“Race you, y/n!” Jace yells, already mounted on Vermax, commanding her to fly.

“Oh no you don’t!” you hurriedly position yourself on Fryraxes, and Daemon merely laughs fondly at the two of you, “Sōvegon, Fyraxes.” Fly.

Fyraxes lifts herself off the ground, the sensation never failing to set your whole being alight. Flying on dragonback has always been as easy as breathing. You needed this. This was a form of escape from all this darkness, a way to be free. You wished you and Aemond could simply fly endlessly, to your heart’s desire.

Suddenly, Fyraxes groans, the sound reverberating throughout her body. She stops about a hundred feet above the ground, faltering, abruptly swaying from one side to the other.

“Y/n! What’s happening?” Daemon yells from Caraxes, flying just above you.

“I don’t know!” you yell back in a panic, and turn to your ailing dragon, “Skoros iksis pirta, Fyraxes? Sōvegon! Dohaeragon nyke!” What is wrong, Fyraxes? Fly! Serve me!

The words barely leave you, when you’re hit with a sudden onslaught of nausea, your vision effectively blurring. As if you’re feeling just what Fyraxes is feeling.

“Y/n!” You hear Daemon scream for you once more, more faintly now, and you can vaguely make out Caraxes flying towards you.

But it is too late. You succumb to the darkness.

And both dragon and her rider hurtle towards the ground.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

series taglist: @dazecrea @ladystardvsts @afro-hispwriter @dudfahsn @poohkie90 @cleverzonkwombatsludge @lilostif16 @deeeeexx @nephitis @minicikasworld @livimulati @the-orions-belt @stillinracooncity @lawlerek @missusnora @wickedbutlovely @umavvitch @claudie-080102 @abcdefghi-lmnopqrstuvwxyz @puredicks @crazylokonuggett @lj127 @icarusignite @mandyki @darylandbethfanforever9 @highexpectationsgurl @whitejuliana1204 @caught-in-the-afterglow @witchmoon @meilikki @carlottalhn @xcinnamonmalfoyx @writer-lee5 @solacestyles @noneedtosearch @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @vensidia @xinyourdreamsx @mikariell95 @cryztalline @fairaardirascenarios @disturbing-love666 @404slayer404 @aemondswh0re @ietss @snixx2088 @inpraizeof @evye47 @schniiipsel @kellzlib @youngbunny3 @ellaash

I self-indulged and held back on the angst :) though this chapter did not end happily anyhow.

I also went ahead and named your dragon, Fyraxes, just for ease of writing.

Next chapter might be shorter and will consist of Aemond fucking. shit. up. After he finds out.

Those tagged here are for this series - let me know if you wish to be tagged for other Aemond works as well :)

#house of the dragon imagine #house of the dragon #aemond targaryen smut #aemond targaryen x y/n #aemond targaryen imagine #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen #ewan mitchell #aemond targaryen fanfiction

[bloodyhoon]

the love club [ch 5]

genre: high school fanfiction, love triangle (park sunghoon x female!reader x sim jake) angst, fluff.

warnings: mention of alcohol & drinking, kissing, reader is a little insecure. english is not my first language so there may be grammal or spelling errors.

words: 3.2K

masterlist.

The things that Jaeyun had told you the past few days still echoed in your mind as you looked at Yeji with your empty gaze, vaguely noticing how she laughed and talked to the people around her. It saddened you deeply to know that the girl had been left without her father and you understood that feeling perfectly having lost your mother relatively recently and you were still learning to live with that. Also, it made you happy that the Park brothers have clung to each other and will face the pain with smiles and trust in each other. You had developed too much affection for Yeji to know that she was struggling alone and having a hard time in her mind. Regarding Sunghoon, you wouldn't say that you had developed a fondness for him, but the thought of knowing that he was sad gave you a deep feeling of discomfort that you couldn't explain.

"Y/n."

A low voice came from the bench next to you, breaking you out of your thoughts. You were in class but you were too lost in your thoughts to understand what the teacher was explaining about Korean history, so you were sure you would have to ask to Yeji about the class since Riki was lying on his bench with his eyes closed showing that he was asleep.

"Yes?" You responded to that voice, your gaze meeting the big, cute eyes of Yang Jungwon next to you.

"I don't know if this is the right time, but" the boy remained silent as he bit the inside of his cheek nervously, then smiled at you "If you don't have something to do these days, would you like to go out with me sometime?"

Your heart raced with nerves and you twisted the pen in your hands unconsciously. You looked at Jungwon who was waiting for your every reaction and he continued smiling at you calmly when he noticed that he had made you uncomfortable with his sudden question.

"Don't answer me now, I know I caught you off guard" Jungwon scratched the back of his neck lightly "You can tell me later when you think about it, don't worry."

"Oh" you smiled at him in gratitude "Then we'll talk later, if that's okay" the boy nodded quickly, a bit of hope growing inside him.

"Y/n," the teacher's voice sounded warningly over the class, "Pay attention, this class is very important to you."

You bowed your head slightly embarrassed after apologizing and Jungwon gave you an apologetic smile, you buried your face in the book in front of you and didn't look back at him.

(***)

You turned your attention to the scenario that was unfolding in front of you. You had already gotten used to having lunch with Riki, Sunghoon and Jaeyun, and this time Yeji had decided to join you after having spent some time having lunch with another group, now wanting to accompany you, so now the girl was sitting in front of you with her arms crossed and next to her she had Sunghoon looking at her with a little distrust, his body slightly leaning over hers seeking her attention. As you had understood, Yeji was still angry with Sunghoon for the scene he had made days before at her house, so now Sunghoon was behind her trying to be forgiven and looking like a hurt puppy. You couldn't help but laugh at the situation, but at the same time feel a little sorry for the boy.

"They're always like this" Jaeyun spoke to you after seeing that you were a little worried "Sunghoon makes some mistake that embarrasses or hurts Yeji and then spends days begging for her forgiveness."

"And Yeji forgives him?" You were sad to see Sunghoon in that state so you hoped she would forgive him soon.

"Always," Riki answered next to you with his gaze on his phone while he stirred the food on his tray. "Yeji can't live without talking to Sunghoon, she ends up getting depressed and even both of them end up crying when they talk to each other again. Sunghoon is always the first to cry, sometimes it's very sensitive." Riki felt a shiver run through his body at the thought of his friend crying.

You felt your heart break and you shook your head as you looked away from the siblings, not wanting to look like a busybody. You really wanted them to make up, you couldn't imagine being separated from the person you lean on every day because of a silly argument.

"It's okay Sunghoon, I understand that you're sorry." Yeji placed both hands on the table in annoyance and rolled her eyes. "Can you give me my personal space, please?"

The boy had been glued to her, cutting her food, adding food to her plate, holding her hair gently and even trying to clean her mouth with every bite the black-haired girl took.

"It's just-" Sunghoon looked down, trying to pity his little sister more as he backed away a little in his place.

"Hey Y/n" you looked up from your lunch and met Yeji's knowing smile "What will you answer to Jungwon? He was very interested in your answer, you can't leave him waiting so long." As if they were connected, Jaeyun and Sunghoon jerked their heads up and both looked at you in surprise.

"What are you talking about?" Sunghoon asked.

"Who is Jungwon?" Jaeyun asked.

"He's our classmate," Riki answered, completely uninterested in her reactions. "He asked Y/n out this morning during class but she hasn't answered him yet. I think you should accept." You looked at Riki in disbelief, you swore he was asleep when Jungwon asked you out.

"I think the same" Yeji nodded.

"Don't accept" Sunghoon sounded so firm that everyone looked at him in surprise, but he didn't change his expression nor did he add anything more to defend his sudden opinion.

"Y/n" Jaeyun caught your attention "You can date whoever you want, of course. but you don't know him well, are you sure you'll be comfortable? Besides, you know what guys are like..."

"I know him" your innocent look made Jaeyun melt in his place, he smiled slightly at you, nodding to your words without daring to contradict you.

"No, you don't know him," Sunghoon answered, letting out a mocking laugh. "Wait before you go out with someone, the guys here are all the same."

"You know about that" Yeji sounded sarcastic, Sunghoon was about to respond in a bad way but he remembered that she was still angry with him, so he bit his lower lip and looked at you again to resume his argument.

"Yes, it may be that I know about that" Sunghoon feigned disinterest in his sister's words. "That's why I advise you not to go out with him."

You remained silent for a moment. You didn't know Jungwon, that was true, but you never believed that the boy had bad intentions towards you and much less did you believe that he was a bad person, but for some reason Sunghoon had made you doubt Jungwon's intentions. with you. On the other hand, you were still quite introverted so you weren't sure if you wanted to accept the date with the boy with the pretty eyes. The table remained completely silent for a few seconds until Jaeyun decided to break it by commenting enthusiastically.

"Do you guys remember my friend Heeseung?" the boy smiled at them as he spoke "He's having a party this weekend, you know? We should all go."

"Obviously I'll be there." Sunghoon nodded.

"Me too!" Yeji smiled excitedly.

"Not you," Sunghoon pushed her slightly, the girl gave him a murderous look and the black-haired boy remembered his anger. "I mean, not on your own, Ni-ki, you'll go too, right?"

"Of course," Riki's eyes sparkled as he listened to Sunghoon, who was struggling not to insult him when he saw him so happy with the idea of ​​spending time with his younger sister. Everyone looked at you, waiting for you to say something about it, but you just looked at them with confusion, not understanding what they wanted from you.

"What's wrong?"

"I guess you're going?" Jaeyun bit his lower lip waiting for the answer.

"Of course she'll go" Yeji was excited at the idea of ​​going to a party with you "We'll go together, right, Y/n?" You hesitated and felt nervous having everyone's attention on you, you looked to your side and Riki smiled softly at you, something in that smile told you to calm down and accept, that it was okay to get out of your comfort zone from time to time. You let out a soft sigh.

"Y/n" Sunghoon caught your attention, turning his body completely to face you. "If you go with us, you can be sure because we will not leave you alone all night, someone will always be by your side and no one will make you feel uncomfortable." For some reason those words reached the bottom of your heart, speeding up your heart rate and your hands shook slightly when the black-haired man gave you a smile.

"Then I guess I'll ask my father," you simply answered. Riki laughed and Yeji cheered, while Sunghoon and Jaeyun looked at you tenderly.

(***)

Your legs were shaking and you already felt your head throbbing from the bustle inside the house that you had not yet entered, you did not want to move from your place while Yeji and Riki basically pulled your arms to force you to enter that large house that was in front of you. Earlier, you had arrived at the Park's house and had found your friend getting ready, of course Yeji was dressed beautifully and her hair was perfectly combed and falling down her back while her pale face had a touch of color thanks to the pretty makeup she had applied. Yeji, for her part, was a little surprised to see you, she knew that you had never been to a party but you still had a very nice sense of aesthetics, you had chosen a perfect dress for the occasion and your long dark hair was slightly wavy giving it a little volume and making your face look even slimmer than it already was. Riki had also been surprised to see how pretty you two were, even though in her eyes you two were already pretty in your everyday life. Even so, his eyes could not take off from Yeji, the girl who had given the strongest crush of his life.

"Don't be nervous" Yeji commented, she held your hand, intertwining her fingers with yours while she smiled lovingly at you "My brother and Jaeyun are inside too, they're both waiting for us, you'll see that we'll all have a good time" she encouraged you confidently.

"I'm not nervous" you lied blatantly, your trembling voice gave you away. For some reason you were more nervous at the idea of ​​meeting Jaeyun and Sunghoon, in the back of your mind you were embarrassed that they saw you dressed that way since they always saw you in your school uniform, you felt a little ridiculous even though your friends had repeatedly told you how pretty you looked.

"When you go in there everyone will be watching for you" Riki said relaxed "You will catch everyone's attention because of how pretty you are" that comment was intended to give you confidence in yourself, but it only managed to make you more nervous.

When you entered the house, you paid attention to how big it was and mainly to the number of people there, but that's how the parties were, friends of friends always attended, coincidentally you didn't even know the guy Heeseung who owned the house. Luckily for you, no one around you looked at you, everyone was at their own party drinking and dancing with their respective groups of friends, so you relaxed slightly and the pressure began to leave your body.

"Welcome to your first high school party" Riki brushed your hair behind your ear gently and smiled at you. You smiled back and got a little excited at the idea, you had always dreamed of going to a party with your friends and finally you were living it.

(***)

The emotion lasted less than expected and you felt that the night was a complete failure. You crossed your arms a little annoyed and sank into your place in that soft chair that was away from the noise of the party in the internal patio of the house. As you looked around in search of Yeji and Riki who had disappeared from your field of vision after saying that they were going to get something to drink, you noticed that there was a couple at the other end of the courtyard talking between laughs, but ignoring them it was you alone in the rest of the place. On the other hand, you were grateful because you enjoyed the quiet. You noticed that you never met Sunghoon and Jaeyun so you felt a little betrayed by the words that Sunghoon had told you earlier in the school. But you also understood that not everyone would always be looking out for you, that they had their own friends and lives before you arrived, so you weren't directly angry with your friends, rather a little disappointed in the situation.

You took out your phone and the time read 1:47am. You responded positively to a message from your father who asked you how everything was going and you seriously thought about asking him to pick you up since you were starting to get sleepy. Suddenly the chair next to you sank slightly and a plastic cup was placed in front of your eyes, you looked up and Jaeyun's bright eyes were staring at you.

"Why are you here alone? I've been looking for you all over the place for about an hour," he reproached you softly, but smiling at you. You looked at him surreptitiously, a black leather jacket hugged his torso and revealed a white t-shirt underneath along with his blue jeans, his hair was slightly combed back and you couldn't help but feel your heart race at how attractive he looked.

"Will you take it? My arm is starting to get tired" you reacted and grabbed that plastic cup that he had offered you, you looked at it a little distrustful, not because of him, but because of what it contained.

"Is this alcohol?" The boy gave you a look that conveyed a what do you think? without stopping smiling at you. You held his gaze for a moment, noticing that his eyelids were a little drooping, his pupils were slightly dilated and his eyes were shining brightly. It was probably the effect of the alcohol on his blood.

"You don't have to drink it if you don't want to."

"It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I never drank alcohol" you admitted a little embarrassed, the boy denied while drinking from his own drink.

"Nothing to be ashamed of," he reassured you, waving his hand vaguely. "If you want to drink, I'm here to take care of you, don't worry." You smiled at him and nodded, then you drank from that plastic cup with a little more confidence. Jaeyun looked at you expectantly while analyzing each grimace on your face, he noticed how your eyes lit up in surprise and let out a laugh.

"How about?"

"Sweet," you answered and then took another drink, letting the sweet drink go down your throat, this one leaving a slight trace of burning but it was pleasant.

Jaeyun was smiling just by seeing you. When he left the house and saw you sitting on that couch, he thought it was a beautiful image, seeing you distracted with your gaze in the sky, your long hair swaying gently in the wind, your slightly red nose and your eyes. tearful from the cool of the autumn night. Jaeyun's heart involuntarily accelerated and heat ran through his body, not knowing if it was because of the alcohol he was consuming or because of your image. He looked at your profile a little more, not being able to help but think about how pretty you were. From the moment he saw you enter the cafeteria, a little hidden and embarrassed behind Riki, he thought that you were the prettiest girl he had ever seen, suddenly no girl around him was of his interest again.

"I'm glad you came, Y/n"Jaeyun spoke, you looked at him with a smile and shrugged, causing him to smile "And let me tell you that you look beautiful tonight... you are always beautiful."

"T-thank you," your nerves played against you, making you stutter, as you looked down at the plastic cup that was still in your hands. Jaeyun giggled and with his hand brushed away the hair that fell on your face. The music and noisy people now sounded distant and you both felt comfortable with the cool weather that embraced you.

"You have to be more confident with yourself" he told you "You are very beautiful and all eyes are always on you, you are the prettiest girl everywhere you go, you need to know that."

Your whole face was flushed and hot and you didn't know if it was because of the compliments or because of the alcohol that was starting to go to your head since you weren't used to drinking. You weren't used to compliments since you had always gone unnoticed, but since the first moment you entered your new school you had not stopped receiving them and you did not know how to act about it.

"Jaeyun" you didn't know what else to say to him as you looked up and your gaze met his, he giggled again and with both hands, he moved the hair away from your face, holding your cheeks gently, very sure of his movements.

"Y/n" hesitated for a few seconds searching for his words, really thinking if he should ask the next thing "Can I kiss you?"

You held your breath for a second and felt your heart beat rapidly. Jaeyun looked at you waiting for an answer, his gaze went up and down from your eyes to your lips while his thumbs caressed your cheeks tenderly and he continued removing the hair that danced across your face because of the soft night breeze. You didn't know if it was the alcohol that was starting to take effect on you or if the beautiful night that accompanied you was making you feel comfortable and confident, but you really wanted to be kissed by Jaeyun, so after a few seconds you just nodded slowly and that was enough for Jaeyun to come closer, his nose and yours touching lightly, slowly but surely he leaned in and kissed you softly, testing in that movement how comfortable you felt and when he felt you relax in his hands and get closer, he took it as a sign to deepen the kiss, while remaining gentle.

You felt your body go limp and melt into his touch, he held you with his hands on your cheeks, your head was spinning and your stomach was a bundle of nerves but you didn't want to separate and you let yourself be kissed again and again without caring that maybe tomorrow the reality would hit you and make you feel regretful. You held onto Jaeyun's forearms and he separated from you, hitting both foreheads, neither of you opened your eyes and your breathing was irregular. Jaeyun knew at that moment that once he kissed you, he would never want to stop, so he took a hand on your nape and this time with a little more intensity, he placed his lips on yours again, causing everything around you to disappear and it was just the two of you living the moment under the faint light of the moon.

reblogs and comments are appreciated!

tl: @minhypenreblogs @deobitifull @youresolivlie

#enhypen scenarios #enhypen imagines #enhypen #enhypen drabbles #park sunghoon #sunghoon imagines #jake scenarios #park sunghoon scenarios #sunghoon fanfiction #sunghoon drabbles #sim jake #jake imagines #jake drabbles #jake enhypen #sim jaeyun

[wildsunscorpion]

How Bum Geon Woo communicates through his body language (Plus how he's actually giving the special treatment Eui Joon's been yearning for)

I reread DCS for, like, the tenth time now. Yes, I'm obsessed ohmygod! I'm liking how these two characters are written so far. I originally wanted to break down just Chapters 20-24 of DCS because the first time I read it I got just a little annoyed with how Geon Woo (a.k.a. Ahjussi) was, let's say, just kind of pushing Euijoon's limits. But I ended up doing more than just Chapters 20-24. Dios mio.

I was just a little tired of seeing the same trend with guys in manhwa. They always seem to be domineering, especially if their partner is the "sweet and naive" archetype. (Eui Joon, I think, does not really fit into this mold.) Of course, that's usually because they're dealing with their own issues, and I don't really blame them.

But I like DCS because it justified that kind of behavior in Geon Woo when he was having sex with Eui Joon (in Chapters 20-24, particularly). Lol I'm probably the only one who realized this later than I should have ehehe. I'm still posting this tho.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD‼️‼️

His antics speak volumes. It's amazing how I missed all those details just because the sex scenes were. Steamy. As. Fuck. Good lordy! Geon Woo is definitely a man of few words (He once said Eui Joon makes him talk like he would for a whole year, haha!), so it would make sense to communicate whatever's going through his mind in a situation through body language.

I also want to add the times that he makes the effort to hold a conversation with Eui Joon. Geon Woo doesn't really talk when he doesn't need to, so it's important to pay attention to his actions.

☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙

Chapters 0-12

The first time we get a glimpse of Geon Woo's side of the story was when Eui Joon finally confesses to the person who's been his crush for 3 effing years, Hyeon Woo. Eui Joon is inexplicably happy when Hyeon Woo says he'll consider and comes to the convenience store in good spirits. Geon Woo, keen as always, notices, and when Eui Joon tells him what happened this is what we get:

It's the way it was framed. How we see his reaction from behind rather than from the front. He turns away, seeming to go inward and brood once again.

Afterwards, another gangster comes. The guy challenges Geon Woo for taking too long at the front of the line. Geon Woo asks Eui Joon if he smokes, and when he replies that he doesn't, Geon Woo "borrows" the lighter on the countertop and uses that to throw a stronger punch to the man behind him, who temporarily falls unconscious. Geon Woo turns back to Eui Joon, seeming to have something else to say. But he sees the frightened look on Eui Joon's face and decides to keep it to himself before leaving through the door.

"And..." He pauses, turning to Eui Joon. "... Never mind. Good work."

JUST WHAT WAS HE ABOUT TO SAY?!?!?!

In the succeeding panel, Eui Joon is nonplussed. He wonders out loud, "What is happening?" Couldn't have said it better, girl. Geon Woo was just taking out his frustration and he had the perfect opportunity at the moment.

The second time was when Geon Woo invites Eui Joon to drink after the incident with Hyeon Woo (who basically asks Eui Joon to cheat with him and inebriates him—probably with the intention to take advantage of him). From the side stories, we learn that Geon Woo has taken an interest in Eui Joon after seeing him for the second time, and when he comes by through the hallway—finally discovering they were neighbors—and witnesses the two, he sees it as a chance with Eui Joon.

He invites Eui Joon out to drink, after Eui Joon's suggestion for a dinner at 2 in the morning fails to entice him. Eui Joon rambles his questions away, wanting to get to know him better, but Geon Woo doesn't immediately answer and catches him off guard when he "casually" inquires after his sexuality. Not the smoothest move there, lol, but in the side stories we see that wasn't really his intention.

"Damn it, why did I ask that question? It just slipped out..."

He answers Eui Joon's questions afterwards, surprising Eui Joon with the fact that he's actually been listening to what he's been saying for the past minute. We're starting to see just what kind of a person he is (Listening skills are always a plus in my book).

A little later, we see them on their way back to the apartment. Eui Joon asks Geon Woo to tell him anything interesting because he's been the one talking all night. Geon Woo acquiesces, asking a question that may have been part in consideration of Eui Joon's vulnerable state, and perhaps also part due to the possibility that he worried about him.

"Come to think of it... School has already started. Isn't it tiring to work 'til dawn? Aren't you working too much?"

Geon Woo's face is a little hard to read. So every subtle change in his expression says something. If you read the manhwa, you'll see the slightest bit of concern in his eyes. It's hard to catch until you've read the side stories (at least for me, haha).

One more thing I like about Geon Woo is that he doesn't meddle when it's not his business. He knows the state of Eui Joon's family—their inability to afford his college tuition, his hospitalized brother—and he knows he can help. I mean, I don't know how wealthy and powerful he is as a gangster but he probably has the means to. But he rarely opens the topic to Eui Joon.

Aaaand onto Chapter 8! Just before the first sex scene in the entire series. Eui Joon is crying because he had a shitty day both at school and at work, poor thing—all because of Hyeon Woo. He cries even more when he notices that Geon Woo, who came to the store every day, didn't come to the store that day. When he encounters him outside, he breaks down, catching Geon Woo off guard.

Geon Woo tells his lackey to leave and asks Eui Joon to stay. Eui Joon tells him he was fine and proceeds to go back to his room, but Geon Woo frightens him when he says he was already being nice. And then we get this:

"Ah, I don't mean it that way... Just a while."

That gentle tug is honestly so uncharacteristic of the usual ruffian behavior we often see from Geon Woo. It's a nice sweet detail that proves what he says in Chapter 26 (when he finally confesses) that he treats Eui Joon differently from others.

Eui Joon cries his heart out to Geon Woo, and Geon Woo just lets him. Afterwards, Eui Joon resolves to forget about Hyeon Woo. By finding someone, hmm, more physically endowed.

"I must find someone more good-looking than him. With a nicer body... And a bigger dick!"

Clueless guy basically described the man beside him.

To that, Geon Woo says:

"How long have you known me? You really dare to say anything like that in front of me?"

Which comes off as slightly hostile at first. The next panel shows a dark aura surrounding Geon Woo, which Eui Joon interprets as distress from his implications of doing it with him—whose sexual preference so far remains ambiguous (In the side stories, we learn that Geon Woo himself struggles with figuring this out.). But then, he surprises Eui Joon when he slowly leans in to kiss him.

CUE SEX SCENE! I pitied Eui Joon a little because he wasn't really in the best state when Geon Woo offered this. In Geon Woo's defense, though, from the moment he found out that Eui Joon was gay he saw doors opening. When Eui Joon said something like that, I think his attraction to Eui Joon finally caught up to him and he couldn't resist the opportunity. He definitely wasn’t distressed by the implication of Eui Joon’s words; he was distressed by the decision he had to make—to go through that door or not. Because he knew he wanted it, even though he was constantly denying it from the start.

“This dirty thought wasn’t something that I have planned from the beginning.”

The day after, Eui Joon is a little rattled. He doesn’t know how to treat Geon Woo after that—not when he realized that sex could be that hot and satisfying (uwu). Geon Woo appears to be unaffected while Eui Jon’s brain is in knots about everything. But the questions Geon Woo asks tell us that he’s beginning to show Eui Joon a little emotion. He asks to see Eui Joon’s face to inspect the healing bruise he got yesterday (the one that Geon Woo covered with a bandaid—which was so sweet, huhu). And then, he asks if he was tired after school.

“Let me see your face.”

“School classes. Are you tired after taking them?”

From my perspective, he wasn’t just asking for the sake of being nice to the person he slept with. The story still hasn’t covered much of Geon Woo’s history to know whether he had been like this with his previous partners. Although there was a moment in Chapter 27 during one of their conversations when he gave us a little glimpse:

Geon Woo: It's normal to cry over pathetic things at your age. Eui Joon: Have you cried like that before too? Geon Woo: No. Eui Joon: Then how do you know that? Geon Woo: I just... know. Because there was a guy like that around.

From the time Geon Woo invited him out to drink, I think Geon Woo was genuinely concerned when he asked how Eui Joon was doing.

☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙

Chapters 13-26

Geon Woo's love language, I think, is his actions. He fights off the gangsters that bully Eui Joon into giving them discounts or even paying for them from his own pockets so they won't have to. He gives Eui Joon food and medicine when he finds out he was sick (the morning after having sex with him in the car for hours, lol). He likes taking care of the person he likes. So in Chapter 26, when he "confesses" to Eui Joon, that was Geon Woo pointing out that he's been doing the same thing all along.

"I mean, look at me just once... What kind of person I am. How I treat you. Take a good look at it. If you think that I'm good, then pick me. If not, you can throw me aside." "But. Before you do, you should understand this. Until then, I don't intend to let you get away."

This "non-confession" (he actually tells Eui Joon it wasn't a confession) actually says a lot about Geon Woo. His attitude towards their relationship is very blunt and straightforward. Once he's made a decision, he stops listening to his doubts and stands by it. I don't really know when Geon Woo decided that he liked Eui Joon. It was more slow-growing. In the side stories though, we see him considering this big-time when this thought crosses his mind:

"There's the common phrase of having the opportunity to meet your fateful love. If there's a sign for it, would it be possible to stay vigilant?"

AHJUSSI YOU SOFT-HEARTED ROMANTIC I CAN'T T^T He becomes more bold with Eui Joon afterwards, but he's still a little prickly. He's constantly weighing his options, trying to figure out in what way will doing the things he does for Eui Joon benefit him, if at all. In Chapter 13, when a customer comes inside the store and forces Eui Joon to pay for what he bought, he's on the scales. But then the memory of that morning flashes through his mind, and he remembers how the simple act of Eui Joon giving him his number had made him smile like an idiot. He beats the customer for him, taking the money he owed, and gives it back to Eui Joon. He even manages to casually ask him out on a date. The guy can be smooth as fuck.

Eui Joon: Are you saying... we should eat together? Geon Woo: Sure. I guess I've done something worth compensating. Will you give me my reward?

Take notes, people! At this point, Eui Joon has gotten him wrapped around his finger, and he didn't even know it! Of course, Eui Joon still thinks their relationship is only purely sexual, but then Geon Woo begins doing these uncharacteristically tender gestures that Eui Joon initially interprets as Geon Woo giving him special treatment.

"Let me see your face." "School classes. Are you tired after them" "I'm thinking that... You'll look good in short hair, too."

And Geon Woo even tries to initiate a conversation with Eui Joon when he feels like Eui Joon couldn't take the awkwardness. A good example was when Geon Woo treats him dinner at the restaurant.

"...." "Is this your first time coming to this kind of place?"

Somehow, these things he does still feel kind of forced, like he was genuinely annoyed at Eui Joon and everything he did. Even when he asks to do it with him again and Eui Joon refuses because he was still sore, there was a moment of frustration that shone through.

It was a sign that Geon Woo was still confused about the things he was feeling towards Eui Joon. He knew he wanted him physically, but then he doesn't take up the woman's offer that evening after Eui Joon refuses him. It wasn't actually written on paper, but knowing Geon Woo's character he might have felt uneasy about going through with it. Not particularly on Eui Joon's behalf, but it may have been unconscious because of his budding feelings.

His feelings were something that rattled him, and he was usually undeterred in any kind of situation. What rattled him more was that Eui Joon didn't know anything about what he was going through.

"Being naturally attracted to you, and going through unfamiliar emotions. This feeling should only be felt at an adolescent age."

We're seeing him from behind again. The use of this perspective in manhwas / mangas / comics usually makes you feel like can't tell what the character's thinking about, but most importantly that they're most likely about to go do or SAY SOMETHING DAMN IMPORTANT. Like, maybe, telling their feelings to the person they like!?!?!

"Eui Joon-Ah. I like you."

ASDFGHJKL DID ANYONE SEE THAT COMING?!?!?!

That actually surprised me hella lot. I'd originally thought Geon Woo was the tsundere type, but he was more honest with his feelings than I believed. However, he hadn't been completely convinced by these feelings until Eui Joon had offered to break it off. Suddenly there was an exit to his situation, but he didn't really feel happy about it. He was frustrated at not being able to properly understand what his words made him feel. Because the truth was he didn't want to break things off. He just wouldn't admit to himself at the time that the reason was he actually wanted Eui Joon.

We could see him debating it himself, poor thing:

"I didn't expect myself to be in a situation where I couldn't even understand my own feelings. I should've figured it out the moment I couldn't understand my sexual preference. I'm not that young anymore... What is this?" "No... It could also be a spur of the moment... It doesn't seem to be like that. It might also be due to pride, but I feel it's not necessary for these kinds of feelings to affect my pride... But even when it's like this, I still want to..."

Geon Woo decides to "have a little fun" before conceding to Eui Joon's request to "end their entanglement". But I've noticed that whenever something bothers Geon Woo too much, he takes a smoke. When Eui Joon makes the suggestion, Geon Woo does just that.

The slightly rough way in which Geon Woo treats him afterwards shows his frustration. He grabs his arm roughly and pulls him towards the car, but he doesn't realize he was hurting Eui Joon's wrist with his own watch until Eui Joon whines in pain—at which point Geon Woo just laces his hand through his instead. Which I thought was so sweet T^T

When Eui Joon freaks out about doing it at the school where he studies and asks Geon Woo to consider it for him, Geon Woo says, "Do I have to consider that for you too?" And when Eui Joon asks for him to do that, Geon Woo replies, "I guess I've been too nice to you." THE MAN WAS FREAKING FRUSTRATED!!! Geon Woo even challenges him to stay quiet, telling him no one will hear them if he does. Throughout the whole thing, Geon Woo wanted to dominate him, daring him to take what pleasure he could give him, but with an aggression that bespeaks the storm in his heart and mind. Reading it back, I realized just how damn hot that scene was. I mean, goddamn. After Geon Woo admits his feelings, there's a serenity about him afterwards. He no longer has to second-guess taking care of Eui Joon or expressing what he felt towards him. He gives him food and medicine the next day since he caught a fever. He "invites himself" to watch a movie with him since they both had nothing to do for the rest of the day. The guy was basically courting Eui Joon, haha. Not a confession, my ass XD

And then, when Eui Joon opens up about how he rejected Hyeon Woo, Geon Woo tells him he'll also wait for him for around three years T^T

MY HEART I CAN'T T ^ T ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ ☙ So that's kiiind of a long breakdown. I included as little pictures as possible. Copyright and all that. I just really like this series so far. I want to be able to read the original someday. Hopefully I'd be able to learn Korean T^T. If you like this as much as I do, chat me up =D would love to hear other thoughts.

#dangerous convenience store #dcs #bum geon woo #ahjussi #yeo eui joon #bl manhwa

[thestupidhelmet]

Hey there, can you pls help a fellow writer? Here's the thing: I've been writing T70S fanfic for a while, and I feel that I'm managing to keep the characters in character, writing dialogue and their thoughts is easy for me now, but I'm having a whole lot of trouble with their body language.

For instance, when Jackie's really happy or excited about something, she claps her hands enthusiastically, smiles and gives those small adorable jumps. I've seen her doing that on the show and I try to bring that to my stories, but I'm having trouble writing her body language in other situations.

And that's a problem I'm having with all the characters. Like, I know Kelso and Eric both tend to gesticulate a lot with their hands when they're excited about something, but I don't know how to write them when they're scared, or sad, etc. Does that even make sense?

Anyways, I have no trouble writing about the character's feelings, I do have trouble when they need to express their feelings with something other than words, usually, their body language.

I want to give each character their own unique way to express themselves through their body. Like, Hyde and Eric, for example, will behave differently when they're like, really happy or really sad.

Hyde is not the type of guy that claps when he's really excited about something, he's a chill guy and he's the one I struggle the most to write when he's experiencing a strong emotion.

What I mean to ask is: can you give me some tips? I'm really struggling with this. Sorry if this was way too long, I don't even know if this ask made sense to you, but... well, I just could really use some help.

Hi! For my own T7S stories, I’ve made specific choices for the characters’ (emotional) body language based on my understanding / interpretation of who they are, and you can do the same. You’ve obviously observed quite a bit from the actors’ performances from the show, but I’ll describe body language you might not have spotted.

Jackie

She displays a variety of behaviors when she’s sad or upset, depending on what lies underneath her sadness. It also changes depending on her life experiences (basically, how many times her heart has been broken and by whom). You’ll find some commonalities in her body language when she’s upset, however.

When she feels hopeless or is grieving, she stays relatively still, sitting in one spot. She’ll hug a pillow or pick at a stuffed animal’s ear until her feelings overwhelm her. Then she’ll full-out cry while continuing to stay in one spot and picking at whatever she’s grabbed for comfort. See “Ski Trip” (1x13).

As she experiences more heartbreak, her stillness remains when she’s upset. She’ll stare off into the distance while crying. But unlike in “Ski Trip,” she sometimes cries silently. See “Kelso’s Serenade” (2x21).

When she’s depressed, she loses affect in her voice. Her movements are slower. See “Jackie Moves On” (2x22).

When she’s fighting to be understood -- whether she’s angry or sad or wanting desperately for someone to do something specific  -- she becomes animated. She makes pleading gestures with her hands. She’ll also place her hand on her heart.

When she’s fighting for her life -- her emotional life / happiness -- she’ll let snot run down her face while trying to get the other person to understand her needs. See “Don’t Lie to Me” (7x12).

When frustrated, she’ll slap her leg, slam a door after leaving a room, or even kick or pinch the other person. (No! Bad, Jackie!) See “Nobody’s Fault but Mine” (5x23) and “The Immigrant Song” (5x24).

When annoyed or disgusted, she’ll grunt or lean her head back -- or do both at once. With Eric, she’s also sneered. (Too many examples exist to list a specific episode.)

When she’s trying to coax someone to doing what she wants, she’ll do a subtle shoulder shimmy (which I bet she picked up from her mom). She’s done this with Hyde and, I think, Donna. See “Kelso’s Serenade” (2x21) for an example with Hyde.

When she has a sudden idea she thinks is important, she’ll gasp and put her hand on Donna, Kelso, or Hyde’s knee (depending on whom she’s talking to).

Jackie will rub a person’s knee or arm as an expression of emotional support. She’ll also lean her temple against a friend’s (or lovers) when she’s feeling affectionate toward them.

Honestly, I could keep on listing body language for her. But you can find it yourself by watching the episodes. Find an episode where Jackie experiences a specific emotion you’re looking to write into your own story and see how it’s portrayed. This advice stands for the rest of the characters, but I’ll list some body language for them, too.

Kelso

When he’s scared, he closes in on himself physically, trying to make himself a small as possible. He also shakes while doing this. Or he’ll scream. Or he’ll shove someone -- even a person he supposedly loves -- out of the way to get himself to safety. He’ll also find someplace to hide if he feels it’s necessary, usually under a pierce of furniture.

When he’s sad, he’ll cry. Sometimes he’ll hug something with sentimental value to his chest, like a photograph while crying. Or he’ll rip apart something symbolic of how he’s feeling, like a cookie shaped heart.

If feelings of anger or loneliness are mixed into his sadness, he’ll sometimes cry but it’s less forceful. He’ll slump to the couch.

If he feels particularly betrayed, he won’t look at the person who hurt him while in that person’s presence, even if they’re talking to each other.

When anger and betrayal mix, he’ll get physically violent -- usually, but not always, to his own detriment. He’ll run into a screen door then yank it off its hinges. He’ll shoot someone with a BB gun, etc.

When he’s confused, he often stares blankly with a strange expression on his face.

Eric

When he’s scared, the pitch of his voice rises. He’ll swallow more. Sometimes he stutters. He’ll fidget. He’ll look from side to side. He becomes hypervigilant of his surroundings.

Eric often expresses his anger either directly or passive-aggressively. When direct, he’ll shout his feelings and thoughts or speak them at a louder volume than normal. He’s not particularly cruel in what he says.

When passive-aggressive, he’ll smirk smugly while or after making a sharp insult. He’ll rest his hands on his hips or hook his hand / thumbs in his pants pockets in between gesturing. He’ll also laugh smugly while sticking out his tongue then blow a raspberry. This last sequence of behavior seems to be one he and Hyde share, so maybe one of them picked it up from the other while growing up.

If frustration is mixed with his anger, he’ll shout and shove furniture around.

When feeling a particularly overwhelming emotion, whether pleasant or unpleasant, he tends to get on the hood of the Vista Cruiser and look up at the sky. If deeply upset, he might cry silently and slam his fist onto the car’s hood. See “The Promise Ring” (3x25).

After making a devastating choice he believes is right but breaks his heart, he’ll shove his hands in his pockets, look down at the floor or his shoes, and stay quiet. See “Love, Wisconsin Style” (4x27).

The quality of Eric’s voice often reveals a lot about his emotional state. He’ll speak really quietly, not whispering, but as if trying not to scare away a doe when delivering bad news.

Fez

Fez is relatively open and direct with his emotional expression. When he’s sad, he cries. When he’s angry, he shouts. When he’s hurt-angry, he might cry-shout. When he’s happy, he might sing a song and/or do a little dance. Or he’ll hug and kiss his friends (male and female) when he’s grateful.

He’s generally not afraid to speak his mind. If his feelings are particularly intense, he’ll demonstrate his emotional state with a physical display (e.g., ”You dump Fez? I dump fries! There’s your scene!”)

When he’s scared, however, he sometimes pulls in emotionally to protect himself. He won’t speak his mind. Or he’ll clasp his hand in prayer, look up, and ask God for help or answers. He might disregard another person’s boundaries to feel safer (see “Ski Trip” when he’s cold). On the opposite end of the spectrum, he can become obsessive (e.g., calling Eric at three in the morning to ask if they’re still friends).

Fez tends to keep his hands on his hips a lot, regardless of what he’s feeling at any given moment. It’s one of his characterizing personality quirks.

Donna

When she’s angry, she can yell her feelings or an insult (or both). Or completely swallow her anger and talk / act as if she’s fine. She’ll stomp away after an argument, whether up a flight of stairs or to her yard. In season 3, she also takes on a quality of becoming emotionally distant and dismissive, which is reflected in her body language by maintaining a physical distance while looking the other person squarely in the eye.

When she’s sad, she’s doesn’t tend to cry. She’ll talk about what’s upsetting her with emotion in her voice. She’ll gesture with her hands or bite her thumbnail. If she’s discussing her feelings with Eric, she’ll hug him.

When she’s depressed, her posture slumps.

When she’s terrified or feeling betrayed, that’s when she’ll cry. She might reach out to the other person (Eric) with her hand.

Donna tends to act out and/or become self-destructive when she’s feels powerless. Her body language gains a swagger (her walk, her facial expressions, her tone of voice).

If she’s happy, she’ll gesture in excitement with both hands. She smiles and laughs, too, while explaining what’s made her happy. 

Donna will hug friends and family to show emotional support.

Hyde

Hyde does not like people knowing how he’s feeling at any given moment, whether it’s happy, angry, sad, etc. But he does express emotion through body language.

When he’s nervous and he’s sitting, his leg might bounce or his foot will shake. More often, though, he’ll cross his arms over his chest protectively. This latter behavior is true for many of his emotions.

He’ll pace when he’s conflicted. Or stand still and pinch the bridge of his nose while considering all the variables of his internal conflict. He’s very careful when speaking or purposely revealing his (emotional) truth, and he might take a few breaths before actually saying it aloud. 

He’ll also pace and scratch the back of his head he’s antsy or edgy.

Generally, though, he tries hard to suppress his feelings. This often makes him stand stiffly with his arms dangling still at his sides.

When he’s amused, he doesn’t hide it. He’ll chuckle or laugh. If he’s very amused, he’ll laugh hard and press his hands against his stomach. If he’s laughing that hard with a friend, he’ll hold onto that friend for support while lowering his head.

He’s rarely happy, but with Jackie he is. His joy beams out of him like sunlight. See his private moment with Jackie at the start of “Magic Bus” (6x03) and the circle scene with Jackie in “I’m A Boy” (6x08) for examples.

He’ll hug his male friends when they’ve been gone for months or they’re about to leave for a long time. He’ll also hug Kitty and Red when he feels happy for or grateful to them.

That being said, he doesn’t like when people hug him spontaneously. Depending on who’s doing the hugging, he’ll either shove them off angrily (Kelso, Fez, and Eric), endure the hug until he figures out how to make it stop (Kitty), or even panic a little (Roy). Hyde has to be the initiator or co-initiator of the hug. He likely feels trapped and out of control otherwise, which makes sense considering the physical abuse he experienced from his mom.

He’ll clasp or sling his arm around a friend’s shoulder in camaraderie or support.

If you’d like more advice about showing character emotion through body language, I recommend The Emotion Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide To Character Expression by Becca Puglisi and Angela Ackerman.

I hope this post helps! :D

#That 70s Show #That '70s Show #Steven Hyde #Jackie Burkhart #Eric Forman #Ask #Anon #My Meta #My Essay #Meta #Essay #Writing Advice #Fanfic Writing Advice

[wonderlandmind4]

Delicate Stages Chp 13

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x OFC Ana Rios

Summary: Bucky Barnes agrees to participate in Deprogramming Sessions. What he gets is not anything like he expected.

Warnings: Language. Mentions of past violence and brainwashing. Self loathing/doubt. Mentions of nightmares. 

Words: 3,017. @justreadingfics @nerdyandproud9 @buffy-morgendorffer-01

“They have stolen the heart from inside you                                                        But this does not define you”

***

A light drizzle of rain makes the florescent lights in the lab appear brighter. Ana watches what she can see of the droplets racing down the outside windows. She usually loves watching it, something always soothing with the sound. She never really associated this type of weather as gloomy, though today begs to differ. She can't shake the buzz of energy that prickles along her skin .

It doesn't feel off, necessarily, just dubious. It's not the first time Ana thought of that word, of it's meaning. Nor is it the first time she has felt it around the compound; uncomfortable thickness caressing her skin. Sometimes she hates her ability of being an Energy Alchemist and Empathetic Healer. Sometimes she can't place what type of energy emits from the air around her. Recently, it has been happening for the past two months.

Ana longed to stay in bed today, cozy and warm beneath her duvet. The rain always lulls her back into a deep sleep, but she forced herself to get up, got dressed, and went to the lab. She arrived before Bucky did, as she usually does, opting to leave him to whatever his morning routine is. She made a different drink for the morning, mixing her coffee and hot chocolate together. When Bucky strolled in, looking weary, she handed him the mug.

He hasn't said much since then. Just occasionally taking small sips from his cup, not even commenting on the coffee-cocoa mix. Ana folded her left leg under her thighs, stretching her right leg out, propping her heel next to Bucky's leg. The weather makes her knee ache, rubbing the joint to soothe it, internally cursing having a bad knee at the age of twenty-nine. She refocuses on the stoic man in front of her.

Bucky is unusually quiet. Sensing the heavy energy coming from him, Ana worriedly gnaws on her bottom lip. Even on his first day he wasn't this silent. He usually greets her, teases her about the coffee, or makes a smartass comment. Over the two months Ana has gotten to know Bucky, he is rather sarcastic and witty when he wants to be. She figures it's him rediscovering who he is, and slowly coming out of his shell. At least around her, and a few select people.

Right then, Max passes by, shoving his fingers through Ana's hair. He continues walking, trailing his arm behind him, letting her long hair flow through his fingers until he's too far away. It's a friendly show of affection, Max at times is able to spot when the energy of the day overstimulates her. She rolls her eyes though he can’t see, but when her eyes land back on Bucky, his own quickly advert from hers.

There's a firm set to his mouth, the corners of his lips tilted down. His eyebrows are pinched together in a frown. Ana notices his jaw clenching, probably grinding his teeth together. Bucky doesn't appear angry, just conflicted. A light mechanical whirling noise breaks the silence, her eyes falling to his left arm. His hand is clenched in a fist, turning his forearm back and forth, the metal slates shifting. Opening his hand, he finds something to pick at on his jean and pulls. A thread comes loose. He stares at it for a moment, then flicks it aside carelessly.

There is it. Ana pinpoints the feeling now, laced within his eyes, nearly drowning in the storm of his irises. Self doubt. She’s noticed it plenty of times before; this morning feels different. She doesn't want to push Bucky unless he is ready to talk, and normally she wouldn't do so. Today, it looks like he might need it. She knows Bucky is anything but fragile and doesn't want to be treated like so.

Ana nudges her boot against his right thigh. "I don't want to ruin your street cred," She begins, "brooding and all, but your energy is so thick it's making my coffee taste bad."

It barely pulls a reaction out of him. Bucky inhales slowly, and exhales the same pace. His eyes shift over to her, the slightest hint of amusement gleaming in them.

"Your coffee never tastes bad." He states. His voice is soft, yet rough around the edges from whatever he was lost in thought about.

She skips straight to it. "Did you have nightmares?"

Bucky inclines his head, placing his mug on the desk. "Realistic ones. Almost like I was reliving memories."

Frowning, Ana asks, "Why don't you come get me when that happens, Bucky? It's what I'm here for."

That familiar self-deprecating smile is back. Ana despises it. It makes her stomach clench with anger because Bucky shouldn't be hating on himself.

"Don't want to burden you." He mumbles.

Ana slips her foot off the desk, letting the heel fall heavily to the floor with a clack. Bucky raises an eyebrow in question. She sets her mug on the surface of her desk, sits up and crosses her arms, because no. She makes direct eye contact with Bucky, and to his credit, he doesn't cave.

"Fuck that." Ana states firmly, voice hardening.

Bucky blinks.

"Seriously. That is bullshit and you know it. You are not a burden to me. Neither is talking about your nightmares, or anything you want to talk about. Let's get this straight, Barnes. Do not think you are a burden to me ever again, got it? Because it won't be pretty and I don't take lightly my friends thinking that about themselves."

A beat passes. Then, "You are feisty."

Ana glares at him. Bucky sighs, shoving his hand roughly through his hair. He moves his fingers to scratch at the scruff along his jaw. Finally, he drops his arm only to twist both of his hands together.

"They're horrible, Ana." He confesses quietly.

"I just don't want them to consume you." She tells him gently. "That's taking a step back."

Bucky lowers his eyes to his hands, as if he can't physically look at her while he talks. "I had several of them, all night. I woke up, did the grounding exercise you told me, but each time I went back to sleep," He shakes his head. "It was like I had fallen into their grasp again. I have done horrific things, Ana. Things I never want you to find out about because I know you'll run away screaming and never look back. Realize you have been working with a monster, something that only lives in nightmares."

Ana tries to keep her heart from breaking at his words. "Apparently you don't know me well enough. Shame, I thought we were getting along swimmingly." She quips. "I'm not running. Bad for my knee."

A humorless chuckle escapes Bucky's mouth.

"I am not running, Bucky." Ana reiterates.

"Maybe."

She unfolds her arms. "You know you can talk to me."

Seeming to brace himself with a deep breath, Bucky continues. "It was like the nightmares played back a movie. Nothing but scenes of me...hurting people. Killing, destroying lives. Without even blinking. Without even stopping to wash these goddamn hands of their blood." He holds his hands out, staring down at them with disgust. "The weapons I've held. The grenades I've thrown. The triggers I've pulled. The necks I-"

His voice breaks, and he stops speaking for a moment. Ana remains silent as him gathers himself. She doesn't miss the way his eyes glisten, rimmed red at the bottom. Or how he swallows audibly. She wishes she had the power to just stop his nightmares all together. Bucky takes a few deep breaths again, dropping his hands to his thighs.

“Steve believes I didn’t do any of it. He keeps telling me that." Bucky continues quietly. "That it wasn’t me." A shadow comes over his face. "I think some small piece of me was awake, watching. As if I was trapped in my own body. I’d struggle to break free, but no matter how hard I tried, I lost. What does it matter if I was forced to do something, when it was still me? It's my fault. All of it."

He looks so broken. Ana can't begin to fathom what his brain is attempting to process, it makes her heart ache painfully in her chest. She yearns so bad to just reach out and hug him. To comfort him in a way she hasn’t yet. She doesn’t know that sort of intimate touch would be accepted. 

“Alright." Ana begins. Hoping her approach will help Bucky view it differently. "Let’s try reversing the situation then. In this case, you’re me and I’m you."

Bucky is visibly skeptical.

"You, James Barnes, grow up, find yourself in the middle of SHIELD, helping agents, guards, the Avengers and anyone else. I grow up, find myself in a World War I was drafted to fight in, but still wanted to serve and fight for my country. Suddenly, I wake up and I’m captured, tortured, brainwashed and made to be a weapon for the enemy for their convenience."

Bucky inhales sharply. Ana notes how his hands curl into fists, notes the minuscule waiver in the air around him. She continues.

"They’ve built me to control me, control my mind. Made to do their dirty work. I’m only to comply to my orders. To kill, capture, destroy. The moment I start to wake up is the moment they start again. They fill me with false information, sending me out like a beast for the hunt.” Ana pauses for a moment, leaning forward. “Tell me, is it my fault that I did those things beyond my control, that I wasn’t consciously acting out orders?”

He remains silent for several long moments. Finally, slowly, Bucky shakes his head.

“Alright." Ana put conviction in her voice. "I’m telling you the same thing. Everything that happened, everything Hydra made you do, was not your fault, Bucky. They had complete control of your mind and actions.”

Bucky breaks eyes contact, his lower lip quivers just slightly. Ana feels the guilt radiating off him, settles on her own skin. "Then how come I remember some of them? At least, I think that’s what it is. Some nightmares are of missions I don’t remember. Isn’t that my subconscious reminding me that I did do it? So, in a way, I do remember. I remember all of them.”

Considering this, she asks, “Are you saying, because you remember in your dreams that if you did have a choice, if they didn’t control you, you would have still done it? Go out and destroy people’s lives, as you say? Because I'm having a really hard time believing that.”

He doesn't respond. His throat bobs, his jaw clenches, and his eyebrows twitch down. Bucky doesn't speak.

“Listen to me, okay?" Ana urges softly. "There are horrible, soulless people out there, who don’t even blink at the acts they do, because they want to do it. They make their monstrous choices out of their own freewill, and that. That, is the difference between them and you. You had no choice, Bucky. You had the very thing all humans are given from God himself stolen from you. Free will."

Bucky's stormy gray-blue eyes snap to hers.

"Hydra stole your free will. They took it, and destroyed it with their machines and experiments. Filled your head with false information and claims. Consciously, whatever they made you do, was not you.  Again, would you have freely and willingly carried out every mission they gave you?"

They stare at each other. The deep set frown on his face makes Ana's hands twitch to comfort him. She keeps them steady on her knees though, carefully analyzing any minuscule expression on his stoic face. Ana keeps her own open, calm, but determined for him understand, if even for a moment.

Resignation flashes through his expression. "No."

He doesn't take his eyes off her, staring intensely at her, almost like he’s in awe. His eyes shift back and forth, like he's trying to uncover something hidden within her own. She doesn't know what he ends up finding, just knows that something changes in his.

“You are very adamant about this.” Bucky intones.

“Of course I am.”

He sighs, long and tired. “You may be right. You probably are right. I still feel this crushing guilt and regret inside me though.”

Ana takes a moment to consider that too. "I think, because you have those feelings, is what makes you, you. I think you have been fighting back for decades. It didn't take them a day to break your spirit. According to the file Sharon gave me, it took them nearly twenty years to do so."

"What!?" Bucky sounds aghast. "Twenty years?"  He pauses like he suddenly remembered something. Realization dawns on is face. "I wrote that down. I've been trying to piece together a timeline and...that makes sense. I wrote that down."

Ana smiles, despite the air around them. She gives in to the urge of her hands, places them gently on his. She provides just enough pressure to convey comfort, but also to let him understand how vehemently she believes this next part.

"That is you, Bucky. You have been fighting them tooth and nail for years, and you are still fighting it. I haven't known you for very long, but the first thing I saw in you was the fight in your eyes. This right here," Ana takes her hand way to gesture between them, "is the strength on your own free will. This is what you are fighting for. Yourself."

“You said you feel guilt and regret and that’s fine." She tells him carefully. "We don’t have to tackle everything at once. I just hope one day soon, that you’ll stop blaming yourself. You were a victim. You never asked for that. I don't care how long it takes me to convince you otherwise, but I will tell you every single day if I have to, that it wasn't your fault.

“I don't know if you believe what I'm saying now, or even if you'll believe it soon, but I'll tell you this one time. I believe it. Because I refuse to see you as the person, sitting in front of me now, going out there and shoving a knife in someone's head because you felt like it."

Ana takes breath to calm herself. She has a knack of being overly passionate. "If you don't believe it yourself, then allow me to believe it for you."

They haven't broken eye contact this entire time. Ana sees something shift between the blue fibers of his irises. He blinks slowly, and like an afterthought, his tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip. His frown has slowly morphed from deep contemplation to light perplexity.

"How-" Bucky begins slowly, voice low as if he's unsure to utter his words, "what makes you believe in me so much?"

"You are a good person, Bucky." Ana tells him with conviction. "That's something you need to start believing in as well."

Bucky squeezes her hands, and it’s only then does Ana remember she’s still holding them. Something tingles along her skin, settles into her bones. Feels just as intense as the way Bucky is staring at her. The energy surrounding her is electric, no longer muddled and heavy with Bucky's guilt, his doubt. At the moment, Ana can't tell if she is actually changing it around, or if this new energy is emitting from Bucky himself. Either way, it feels much warmer than before.

After what seems like the longest time, but probably just a few minutes, Bucky slowly brings her right hand to his chest. Beneath her palm is the steady rhythm of his heart, beating just a smidge above abnormal. Briefly, she wonders how fast it was beating earlier, if Bucky's self loathing and anxiety were making it go into overdrive. It's never fun to wake from night terrors; or to believe everything is his fault.

"I try to remember what you told me the first time, Ana." Bucky speaks, voice just a whisper now. "To feel around me. It's hard. It's difficult to pull myself out of the confines of my own mind. But you, Annie, you are the one who helps me be able to do it. You're helping me."

Ana tries to calculate her breathing as Bucky's eyes fall shut. He continues, "I feel it right now. Your energy."

"My-my energy?" Ana stammers confused, because that's new.

"I'm not stealing you thunder, sweetheart." He quips, the tiniest smile breaking across his lips. "I can just feel the air change around me." Bucky slowly opens his eyes, and the slate of them pins Ana to the spot. "That was you this entire time."

Slowly, with a muddled brain, Ana nods. They are so intensely focused on each other, just several inches apart, that when a booming crack of thunder echoes outside, they both jump. Ana's hands go flying to her chest, startled out of her skin. Bucky looks like he just woke from a trance of some sort, blinking rapidly several times. The thunder breaks the mood. Making eye contact again causes them to laugh sheepishly. Bucky grabs his mug, taking a long sip.

"You mixed hot cocoa and coffee together?" He asks after lowering the cup, licking droplets off his upper lip.

Ana ignores the strange twist in her stomach. They were just startled out of a deep, profound conversation. "Finally! Here I thought my skills went unnoticed."

"What if you put nutella in it instead?"

"This," Ana sniffs, patting his knee. Is why we are officially friends."

"We weren't before?" Bucky pouts pitifully. "I'm hurt."

Ana rolls her eyes, pulling the bottom drawer of her desk open, taking out a white paper bag. "Scone?"

"You had those the whole time?" He deadpans.

She opens the bag and peers inside. "Chocolate chip, blueberry lemon or orange?"

"Chocolate chip, please."

"Dammit." She grumbles, giving him the scone.

Bucky breaks it in half, giving her the bigger piece. After that, the rest of the day is lighter, and the heavy energy dissipates. Bucky pats her shoulder in an appreciative gesture, Ana offering him a smile in return.

*****************************************************************************************

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#bucky barnes x ofc #bucky barnes fanfic #delicate stages #bucky barnes fanfiction #my fic

[cambriancrew]

Going off of our other post about why trauma and other things just don't make sense for how we-Shea became (or remained) plural in the first place.

https://cambriancrew.tumblr.com/post/166165410495/cambriancrew-things-that-we-shea-went-through

So, for starters, a brief explanation of how we're definitely systemmates and not normal self-states nor BPD shifts.

Self-states are fairly simple. They're usually associated with a time/place/role.

If all you look at is the basic descriptions we give, then yeah, they seem to fit that.

But in actual experience, they're much more complex than that.

(Hell, if I gave a brief description of anyone I know I could make them sound fairly simple and 2D.)

We facets are each very nearly a full person as on our own. We each have our own hopes and dreams. Fears. Sure we argue amongst ourselves - but each has also argued with their own self too. (Except Monk. They have had "quiet disagreements and discussions".) We've each had our own mixed emotions about things. Our own moral dilemmas. Each has had their own sort of crisis of faith, and their own coming of age journey.

We may all look at the body's face and go Yeah, that's me (though we each wish it were different in different ways - only thing we all agree on is disliking our lazy eye.) We may all look back at our memories and go Yep, that's my memory. (If not for those two things, we'd probably be full systemmates and not facets.)

And sure we're similar in a lot of ways.

But if we had bodies of our own, we'd be seen as fraternal quatruplets, definitely not identicals.

Furthermore. Our identifies as each facet are very stable. Monk has grown, but they're still pretty much the same person they were when we were 4. Same with the other three.

They don't switch around based on who we're around or where we are or what we're doing. We do each have things we're good at or enjoy better, but even so that's no guarantee which is most likely to be there jumping in to do the thing - it's a group effort. A give and take. And. We're ALL always present. And we don't have any of the other symptoms of BPD.

So. Yeah.

Now, on to trauma as a cause.

In addition to the things below, here's more reasoning against it being the cause.

There was no advantage to us being separated the way we were. Didn't help, didn't shield. We sought escape in fiction and artwork, not in being one of us and not another.

We stayed separate because we had no concept that anyone could be different. We knew others had different "sides", but they were able to master those sides. Keep them under control.

Hell, we'd seen others' sides out of control. Or at least what we understood as sides back then.

We had no concept that we WERE different. Unique, yeah - but we thought everyone had their own unique different sides.

And we each were entrenched in the idea that We were the right one and the others were Wrong. That Our own way was the Only way. That there was Right and there was Wrong and there was No In Between.

We were midteens before we started seeing that it wasn't nearly that cut and dry.

That's a pretty typical time of life for that kind of growth, so it was okay, and while we'd been getting along better for a long time by then it really helped with us trying to see things from the others' points of view and acknowledging that there was a lot more shades of gray than true Black and White Right and Wrong.

(Also. A big part of how we all stay aware all the time, and communicating and thinking separately without it all devolving into cacophony and chaos? Two words: nonverbal thinking. None of us facets think in words. Concepts, imagery, sensations. Those are our mental "language" that then can get translated into words so we can try to express it to others outside our head - but only one verbal "voice" at a time. We usually think "together" on a topic, more or less, but in our own direction.

Like right now, for instance. Monk and Librarian are both very focused on the content of what we're writing now, and they're both thinking at each other / alongside each other on what to say, how to express it, what's most important to convey, etc. L keeps wanting to add more, Monk keeps reiterating what they think is the most important thing to focus on, or throwing out entirely separate ideas.

Mama Bear is focused on how this will be taken and read, and is quietly concerned for @billcourse and wondering what they're going through, what they've gone through, and how that all plays in to this whole thing.

Baby Bear is trying to hurry us all up because she's bored and restless and wants to snuggle with our bf and just be done with this already - and while that's three lines on my screen, that's two simultaneous images in her thoughtstream, that's all. The bouncing up and down/tugging on arm of Delayer Person "Lets go I'm bored" concept/image/feeling, and the sensation of curling up with bf.

So much easier to feel that in the background (more like "sideground" maybe?) while also writing other stuff than it would be if she did her thinking in words.

There was a point to this all somewhere... But basically, yeah.

We don't have a good reason to suspect that the trauma we went through was our cause, and plenty of good reasons to think that it wasn't. That this is just how we developed. Because we were able to, we had reasons we each wanted to develop separately from the others, and because we literally never knew until we were in our late 20s that other people WEREN'T the way we are.

And consequently we think it's silly to think that because we are both plural and have a history of trauma, that the one is necessarily caused by the other.

We might have more on this to say at another time, (or less, if Monk decides to trim this down even further to a more manageable length another time) but it's late, Librarian is running out of steam, and our bf is in the other room.

#crew history #actuallymedian #Syscourse