#none of the terrible things that preceeded that could've been stopped by any decision i made

[an-absolute-nightmare]

how do you stop grieving? how do you stop the weight on your chest dropping randomly over something that's certainly in the past now? how do you stop yesterday from ruining today? i've tried crying about it. but it still comes up in waves and makes me feel like i'm almost back there. idk. haven't i cried about it enough while i was going through it. shouldn't it be over now, now that it's supposedly over. when am i going to get over it

#i'm doing well. but i'm also grieving for the person who i couldn't be because i was too busy trying to survive #idk i feel like i've gone from 'bad things are happening and probably because i deserve it' #to 'bad things happen it's random you're not uniquely responsible for something that isn't even in your control happening' #to 'but whyyy. why did it happen. it should not have happened. please take me back to the past and make it not have happened.' #i was fine until it should not have happened but i seem stuck in the 'take me back and stop it' phase for the past couple months #which is insane because like. #at least 70% of the things that happened to me in the last six years or so were absolutely external #there's no decision i could've made that would've stopped covid happening for example. #none of the terrible things that preceeded that could've been stopped by any decision i made #but i want it not to have happened. #i know i'm grieving but i want to stop. #because how am i supposed to carry about my life when i'm gonna be hit by a burst of wanting to cry three times a day #nothing bad is even happening #but i'm still so. teary.