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dollarbin · 8 months

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Dollar Bin #11:

Graham Nash's Wild Tales

Graham Nash is the Malvolio of the Dollar Bin. In case Shakespeare's 12th Night is not instantly at your fingertips, here's the run down: Nash/Malvolio spends his existence/the play looking down on all the drunk David Crosbys/Sir Tobys around him. He thinks he's an equal to the geniuses about him (Joni Mitchell is his Viola; Neil Young his Feste) and he's a competitor with the biggest dope in history (Stephen Stills, of course / the Duke Orsino).

Malvolio winds up cross-gartered in yellow tights, sure he's the star of the play. In actuality he's the laughing stock.

Malvolio = Nash. Check them out.

But Wild Tales has more potential than anything else in Nash's oeuvre. Here's a list of why this album should not suck:

The cover photo, taken by the omnipresent Joel Bernstein, gives us hope that this is a concept record about Middle Earth with Nash playing the role of Tom Bombadil's willowy, spaced out neighbor. Look, he even has a book about Ents!

2. The back cover's art is by Joni Mitchell. She must have, inexplicably, still liked Nash on some level. And she sings on one track. Surely, this album cannot suck!

3. Ben Keith is all over this record. Keith is, of course, central to the Fellowship of the Young. He, Briggs, Poncho, Whitten and Nils helped Neil sneak in and out of Mordor time and time again. If Ben Keith plays on a Dollar Bin record, buy it.

4. Joe Yankee plays on this record. (That's Neil Young's nom de plume in the early 70's. Soon Neil would settle on Bernard Shakey instead.) Again, how can this record not be good?

5. This record is from 73. In 71, when Nash put out his first solo record, Nash had reason to think we all wanted to see him in the yellow tights. Deja Vu was fresh, Mitchell had recently tolerated him as a boyfriend and he was the only relatively handsome guy in the world's biggest band. Just check them out.

Listed left to right, there they are in 71: Neil looks like he forgot to do his middle school math homework yet again and teacher will be mad; Greg Reeves looks like he refuses to do any homework, ever; he is working up a mustache instead; Crosby stands before them all proudly, the assistant middle school Gym coach the girls all know to avoid; Stills is a mouth-breather repeating a grade: he wants to do the homework, but knows not how; Dallas Taylor still eats paste.

And then there's Nash behind them all: in 71 Graham clearly thought he was a studly chick-magnet, ready to date multiple high school cheerleaders and make them all cry; plus when he sings "very, very, very fine house" it sounds like he's actually wearing yellow tights, prancing about, praising Jove. Listening to solo music by the guy in 71 seems like a bad idea.

But by 73 Nash should have gained a little perspective. CSN&Y were toast, Mitchell and Young were making timeless music without him and even Stills refused to put his own name on Nash's records (he's listed as Harry Halex on Wild Tales: Stephen Stills not only sucks, he also can't think up fun or even pronounceable fake names. Let me suggest one for you Stephen: Richard Stroker; his friends call him Dick).

And so Nash should have approached Wild Tales like it was his Gettysburg: it was time to charge the enemy screaming, bayonet out. Nash had everything to lose, everything to gain.

Instead, the album is... okay. Side 1 starts with strong promise: Young's rhythm section regulars Johnny Barbata and Tim Drummond lay down a muddy vibe while David Lindley impersonates Neil nicely. Please inform my wife that Lindley's recent look is my new one:

The problem, frankly, is Nash's voice. He always wants us to believe Wild Tales are about to be told but he always sings like he's hawking Cinnamon Toast Crunch during Saturday morning cartoon hour. Stop sounding happy Graham! We hauled this out of the Dollar Bin because we want Acid, Booze and Ass, Needles, Guns and Grass. We do not want laughs.

Prison Song is a highlight, though. The melody swings, Lindley provides swashbuckling mandolin fills and, while I'm not convinced that all the pot dealers then in prison were assuaged by the knowledge that Graham felt for them deeply, I can get behind this song.

But Side 1 ends with two tracks that show what we are missing out on. When Ben Keith wasn't making this record in 73 he was installing street signs in Neil Young's Ditch, making Tonight's the Night. There are echoes of that effervescent vibe in the Nash songs You'll Never Be the Same and, especially, And So it Goes. Young is credited with acoustic piano on the later song, an instrument he plays plenty of on Tonight. And I'm gonna argue right here that Neil plays the electric rhythm guitar as well on this song; if it's not him, it's Ben Keith. And so, musically, the track is a big deal compared to everything else on this record.

But then there's the chorus:

Well there's one thing to try,

Everybody knows.

Music gets you high,

Everybody grows.

And so it goes.

First of all, no one wants to think about Graham sporting a boner during this, or any, song. So that growing line has got to go.

Secondly, listen to the chorus's vocals, and this song sounds like I'm Waiting For My Man rewritten as a Subway commercial. It's now entitled I'm Waiting For My Ham.

Jonathan Richman, who I love, knows better than to try to cover Leonard Cohen. I know not to attend an open casting call for SI's Swimsuit Edition.

But Nash has no idea. He thinks he can rock a two piece; he thinks he is Leonard Cohen. No wonder Neil pretends to be Joe Yankee on the credits.

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The album's second side is dull and unmemorable. Joni Mitchell clearly fell asleep while waiting to be cued for her paltry vocals on Another Sleep Song. She sounds disinterested at best.

Last Spring Nash foisted himself back into our consciousness. Stories appeared in the New Yorker, NPR, all over. After Crosby's death, Nash basically insisted that Crosby's last words had been "you're my hero Graham" or something along those lines. In actuality, Crosby's thoughts on Nash for the last decade had been, basically, you ruined my life; eat a sweet one.

At the same time, Nash made a pathetic effort to jump start SN&Y by praising Stills and claiming that Crosby forgave Young at the end. In fact, Crosby had told Neil more than a few times to eat a whole bunch of sweet ones. But no dice Graham: Neil responded to Nash's press push by reuniting with Stills for a benefit show and not inviting Nash. Man, that's low, Neil. Stephen Stills sucks.

Finally, Nash gloried in those same interviews about his love life. After 40 years of marital bliss, he'd recently dumped his wife and took up with a woman younger than most of his kids. The dude is 81, six months younger than my dad.

Someone get me a woody Allen sized bucket. I'm about to throw up; it seems I drank too many Wild Tales.

#stephen stills still sucks #graham nash #neil young #david crosby #malvolio #ents #tom bombadil #Youtube

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tearlessrain · 3 years

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30 questions tag game

Tagged by: @mercurypilgrim (thanks!)

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 5 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

Name/nickname: I’ve been going by tearless/tearlessrain for so long that a friend once called me that in person and I did not notice that it wasn’t my name until they said something. but I also have a lot of other names, only two of which have legal relevance.

Gender: male

Star sign: virgo, but I’ve been told by the local astrology gays that I’m also an aquarius moon and that it “explains a lot”

Height: 5′2

Birthday: a secret. I do not like being the center of attention.

Time: it’s like 3:40am. I will experience deep regret tomorrow, and I will learn nothing from this.

Favorite bands: queen feels like a cop out but like I’m never really not in the mood to listen to queen. linkin park, unironically. and all the different permutations of the crosby/stills/nash/young/simon/garfunkle cloud.

A few I am currently listening to, though: I can’t really call out specific bands/artists because I’m mostly listening to my oc playlists lately (I literally can’t stay in a bad mood listening to riska’s playlist and that’s just the energy I need in my life right now).

Favorite solo artists: (all together now) david bowie. also hozier and joni mitchell.

Song stuck in my head: O Come All Ye Faithful, in latin, for some fucking reason. it’s been there for days. send help.

Last movie: Kung Fu Panda, discord server was having a movie night.

Last show: WandaVision but I’m behind on it (loved the first two episodes but now I can feel the Marvel-ness looming again and I dread it)

When did I create this blog: god I don’t even remember, I’ve been here since the first age and never changed accounts/urls so like. around ten years now I think.

What do I post: whatever the hell passes through my brain from moment to moment, I can’t believe anyone follows me. lately a lot of rambling about my swtor ocs, sometimes it’s tolkien/silmarillion content, sometimes I liveblog terrible movies on purpose, sometimes it’s isaac asimov hours, sometimes just shitposting or unsolicited opinions about completely random things I’m not qualified to talk about. the only thing I can be relied on to provide is reblogs of ocean and horse photos, but not on any kind of consistent schedule.

Last thing googled: celtic invasion of portugal. I got slightly sidetracked from something else I was doing.

Other blogs: I’ve got art over at @tearlessrainart, horny art over at @a-world-of-osha-violations, and a little pile of extremely specific sideblogs I rarely use.

Do I get asks: not often, but those I do get are appreciated. except you, ray bans bot. I don’t appreciate you.

Why I chose my url: I originally used it as a deviantart handle (still there) because it wasn’t taken and I liked the overall way it sounded, and kept it because it’s rarely taken anywhere. and now it’s been ten years so like it’s stuck at this point.

Following: 305

Followers: 1392 which is far more than I deserve given my wildly inaccessible blogging style

Average hours of sleep: 7-8 hours usually but my actual sleep schedule skews late. I’ve never been one of those people who can skate by on 5 hours and be functional, if I get less than 6 hours I am absolutely useless and was that way even in high school/college when everyone else was pulling all nighters and shit.

Lucky number: I honestly have never understood lucky numbers, and how much I like any given number is solely dependent on how appealing its colors are according to my synesthesia. if anyone’s wondering, 420 is a hideously tacky blue/orange clusterfuck, but 69 is pleasantly greyscale.

Instruments: I play the flute, in that I own a flute that I was pretty good at playing in high school and can, if I choose, still play notes on it. I also own a melodica but I cannot play it, which to be clear does not stop me from playing it.

What am I wearing: pajama pants and a sith cloak. which sounds like a joke but I do actually own a set of sith robes and the cloak happens to be warm and very comfortable so I just kinda. wear it around the house sometimes in the winter.

Dream job: ornamental lighthouse hermit who may or may not be a wizard.

more realistically though I’m hoping to go into sfx makeup and cosmetology (I was like a week away from getting my license when the apocalypse hit)

Dream trip: I’d love to visit australia and new zealand, would also very much like to go back to scotland and possibly just not leave scotland.

Favorite food: sushi, specifically good salmon nigiri. god it’s so good. smeagol was right.

Nationality: regrettably, american.

Favorite song: god I have no idea. uh. I really like the boy in the bubble by paul simon. something about the visuals in that song speak to me.

Last book read: rereading The Robots of Dawn by Isaac Asimov, which is a terrible book that I nonetheless subject myself to periodically because I like all the books around it a lot. I need to start on Robots and Empire but shit’s been going down recently so I haven’t been reading much.

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in:

okay LIVE IN is a very different question from “universes I think are neat” because like. I love the whole thing firefly has going on but I wouldn’t survive it for more than five minutes. so with that in mind:

1. middle earth but like, the shire during the third age specifically.

2. I think I would enjoy being a legend of zelda npc. I could just be a weird little potion seller who lives in a tree or something. or maybe an inexplicably sexy fish man. or better yet, the inexplicably sexy fish man’s husband, who sells potions. yeah I’ve got my fictional life here completely figured out now, this is good. I would also own an extremely chonky horse.

3. one of the ones I made up, specifically the one that involves a lot of gryphons and interdimensional bullshit. more specifically the origin universe of said gryphons, which exists at the heart of an extremely complicated multiverse that includes both earth and at least one fantasy world but is part of neither. anyway it’s a nice place.

Tagging: @raemanzu @sith-nb @vampiraptor @nyriad @crypticspren

(only if you want to of course)

#long post #tag meme

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nosferatyou · 4 years

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Get to know me tag

I was tagged by the wonderful @shes-outta-sight

Name?

Maeve

Zodiac?

Aries Sun, Virgo Moon, and Scorpio Rising

Height?

5’11

What time is it?

8:30 pm

Favorite Musician or Group?

Oof okay. ELO. Greta Van Fleet. Crosby, stills, Nash and Young. Joni Mitchell. Cream. Jimi Hendrix. Taj Mahal. Simon and Garfunkel. Led Zeppelin. The Doors. Black Sabbath. I could go on.

Favorite Sports Teams?

Oof. All of nashville has lost their minds over the predators so that?

Other blogs?

I used to have one but that was back when I was a sad little gal. Now I’m still sad but less embarrassing about it all. So just this one for now.

Do I get asks?

Very rarely but I’ve just recently started to get more.

How many blogs do I follow?

Somewhere in the 200s?

Tumblr crushes?

No?

Lucky numbers?

18 and 5

What are you wearing right now?

High waisted jeans, blue cropped sweater, and black Chelsea boots.

Dream vacations?

Anywhere in Europe. But Austria and Germany are at the top of my list.

Dream car?

For now. 1969 Chevrolet chevelle convertible

Favorite food?

Literally any pasta

Drink of choice?

Iced mocha anytime of the year.

Languages?

English, little German, and a little russian.

Instruments?

Guitar, bass, piano, uke, trumpet, and drums.

Celebrity crushes?

Currently in the Kiszka Twins lane buttt. Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, George Harrison, and Roger Taylor will always have my heart.

Random fact?

I’ve got 5 guitars (Counting the bass guitar) and they’ve all got names. Suzanne is my child. She’s a shiny blue SG pro and sounds like an angel. Gil is my 50s David Gilmour Strat and is new to the family. Jemma is my Art and Lutherie Acoustic, she’s got some bite to her and is my second favorite child. Then we’ve got Rosalie, my other strat. She was my first. Finally we’ve got Sammy my bass (which my dad surprised me with, unknowing it looks exactly like Sams. So she’s named after the youngest Kiszka)

I tag @asphalt-cocktail @bensrhapsody @crazy-little-cool-cat @mrs-ghuleh @jake-thomas-kiszka @dreams-madeof-strawberrylemonade

#tag games

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earthabox9886846-blog · 5 years

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These Four Chords Are At The Heart Of Each Pop Music

Are we alleged to hate the pop songs in ‘A Star Is Born'? However New York is the place the place people was remodeled into pop, and despatched back out into the world to be reclaimed by the people—for a price. Three years after the Grand Scarlet Ball, in 1886, three teenagers, www.magicaudiotools.com Isidore, Julius, and Jay Witmark, began publishing songs out of a storefront on West 40th. The founding of M. Witmark and Sons has been pinpointed as the beginning of the trendy common-song business. The Witmarks were innovators. The first track that rolled off their sheet-music presses was a topical one, President Cleveland's Marriage ceremony March," composed in a rush by 17-12 months-outdated Isidore to capitalize on the nuptials of Grover Cleveland. Commercial pluck came naturally to the Witmark brothers: Their parents have been immigrants, but the boys have been Manhattan born and bred. Like New Yorkers earlier than and since, they knew learn how to hustle for a buck.

In 2012, Gangnam Style, by the Korean artist Psy, turned one of many greatest worldwide hit songs of all time. The music video has racked up more than three billion views on YouTube. On the first verse, there's a Christina Aguilera wannabe that ends up shouting each line as opposed to singing well. Then there's this clunky shift into the pre-chorus which is more melodically sung but it surely grates on my ears the same means the yelping does on the verse. The worst a part of the music is the chorus, if it will probably even be called that as a result of it's just pitched up vocals over a regular drop that you simply hear in so many frigging pop songs. Large nodes signify music styles, small ones devices. It is obvious that some instruments occur in nearly each style while others are used by a substantially smaller variety of types. For instance, there are solely two instruments appearing solely in ‘hip hop' amongst these 5 types (for example the flageolet) whereas dozens of devices are solely related to ‘experimental' (similar to countertenor vocals). Vocals, lead guitar, and drums, on the other hand, seem in every of the five styles, whereas bones used as percussion elements solely seem in ‘Black Steel'. After World Conflict II, new styles of electrical blues turned common in cities comparable to Chicago , 87 Memphis , 88 Detroit 89 ninety and St. Louis Electrical blues used electric guitars , double bass (steadily changed by bass guitar ), drums , and harmonica (or "blues harp") played via a microphone and a PA system or an overdriven guitar amplifier Chicago became a middle for electrical blues from 1948 on, when Muddy Waters recorded his first success, "I Cannot Be Satisfied". ninety one Chicago blues is influenced to a big extent by Delta blues , because many performers had migrated from the Mississippi region. They certainly acted like they have been once I requested about it. However then the Kesha stuff went down after I had my time with Dr Luke and there was no comply with up about that. A variety of it is just about cash. The music business just isn't like many different artistic companies in that there are very few commonplace practices or ethical film business, the e-book business, and the TELEVISION enterprise, all have pretty nicely established pointers of find out how to behave when creating a movie, tv challenge, or guide. These issues simply don't exist within the music business - it is all about energy and hustle. The one ethic that exists is: take what you possibly can. The development of recording methods is seen as a serious influence on the sound of pop, distinguishing it from classical music and jazz, in addition to from some forms of well-liked music which may search a more "natural" sound. Pop music performers sometimes make use of state-of-the-artwork technology and recording studios to realize the sound they want, and record producers could have a heavy influence. Pop = "common". The sort of music that's popular varies over time with traits and trend, and is an earlier model of what we now term "viral" : issues gaining floor as a result of they have gained floor. Western-type pop music is a main reference point for the event of monumental pop music markets in Korea and Japan. The performers are indigenous, however the sounds are primarily imported from the U.S. and other countries that assist Western-model music. Okay-Pop, the model that has evolved in South Korea is dominated by girl teams and boy bands. The main form of fashionable music is pop itself. Pop bands often have singers, guitarists, keyboard gamers, and percussists. Rock music has a heavier sound and is guitar-led. Reggae from Jamaica, country from the US, and national people music, comparable to rai from Algeria, are additionally standard world wide. Rockabilly music loved great popularity in the United States during 1956 and 1957, however radio play declined after 1960. Elements contributing to this decline are often cited because the 1959 loss of life of Buddy Holly in an airplane crash (together with Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper ), the induction of Elvis Presley into the army in 1958, and a general change in American musical tastes. The model remained well-liked longer in England, where it attracted a fanatical following proper up by the mid-1960s. I despise pop music as effectively.I had to make that clear upfront. However, (god do I hate saying but") the factor that's unhappy is some of these fashionable artists actually have expertise and just seem to have sold out. Like you commented on it appears to be about look instead of the music. And in some cases I have seen much less pores and skin and a strip bar than a number of the methods these feminine petformers are sporting. It boggles the mind. Possibly I do not get and steven99e54487.tumblr.com I hope I never do.Why create a canon of ladies's works in any respect? A scene from Joni Mitchell's days in Laurel Canyon, which would soon motivate her to file Blue, proves illuminating. Mitchell was working with David Crosby on her first, self-titled album, they usually'd often attend parties at the homes of friends like Cass Elliott or the screenwriter Carl Gottlieb. Gottlieb later advised music historian Barney Hoskyns that Crosby would have Joni wait in another room after they arrived. At a lull within the conversation he'd inform the group that he wished to introduce somebody. Mitchell would emerge, play a number of songs and retreat. "She goes back upstairs, and all of us sit round and take a look at one another and say, 'What was that? Did we hallucinate it?" Gottlieb said.

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meadow-dusk · 3 years

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Song Survey with 2020 SotD

Originally from an “asks” thing but idc enough to do that.

(of course that means I have to bend the rules a little bit.)

1. Three songs with the same name:

Words - The Bee Gees

Words - The Monkees

The Word - The Beatles (close enough)

2. A song for when you’re sad:

River - Joni Mitchell

3. A song for when you’re happy:

Opus 17 (Don’t You Worry ‘Bout Me) - Four Seasons

4. The best song to dance to:

Baby Now That I’ve Found You - The Foundations

5. The best song to drive to:

Southern Man (Live) - CSNY

6. The best song off your favorite album:

Out on the Tiles - Led Zeppelin

7. The best song from any soundtrack:

This Guy’s in Love with You - Herb Alpert

8. A song for the morning and a song for the night:

Morning: You Don’t Have to Cry - Crosby, Stills, & Nash

Night: Downtown - Petula Clark

9. A song that makes you nostalgic:

My Back Pages - The Byrds

10. The best instrumental song:

Love is Blue - Paul Mauriat

11. A song from the year you were born

Rockin in the Free World - Neil Young

12. A song from your favorite solo artist

Don’t Let Me Wait too Long - George Harrison

13. A song from your favorite movie

Rain Song - Led Zeppelin

14. A song starting with the first letter of your name

King Midas in Reverse - The Hollies

15. A song by your favorite band

Young Blood - The Beatles

16. A song from ten years ago

Tiny Ball of Light - Ron Weasley

17. A song that reminds you of winter

Someday at Christmas - Stevie Wonder

18. A song that reminds you of spring

Traveling Riverside Blues - Led Zeppelin

19. A song that reminds you of summer

Nowadays Clancy Can’t Even Sing - Buffalo Springfield

20. A song that reminds you of fall

April Come She Will - Simon & Garfunkel

21. A song for a slow Sunday morning

Draft Morning - The Byrds

22. A song to fall asleep to

Song with No Words - CSN

23. A song from 2013

Son of a Gun (We Have Fun) - For the Foxes

24. A song from the 70’s

Don’t Leave Me This Way - Thelma Houston

25. A song from the 80’s

Talk Talk - Talk Talk

26. A song from the 90’s

Merry Christmas (Happy Holidays) - *NSync

27. A song from the 00’s

We’ve Got a Big Mess on Our Hands - The Academy Is...

28. A song that you discovered recently

Leave - Buffalo Springfield

29. A song you unexpectedly really like

Victorious - Panic! at the Disco

30. The best song to sing along to

Suite: Judy Blue Eyes - CSN

31. The best road trip song

Ramblin’ Man - The Allman Brothers Band

32. Two by an artist who passed away

Give Me Love Give Me Peace on Earth - George Harrison

This is Love - George Harrison

33. Your favorite song from your favorite show

Take a Break - Hamilton

34. A song that reminds you of a book

Tom Sawyer - Rush (an obvious one)

35. A song that makes you want to go on an adventure

The Great Divide - The Mowgli’s

36. The best cover of a song

My Back Pages - Bob Dylan & Friends (hence why it’s a cover)

37. The first three songs that come up when you hit shuffle

Nobody’s Fault But Mine - Led Zeppelin

Monkberry Moon Delight - Paul McCartney

I’d Love to Change the World - Ten Years After

38. A song from your favorite genre

Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie

39. A song with a number in the title

49 Bye-Byes - CSN

40. A song with a place in the title

Last Night in Soho - Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, & Tich

41. A song with a person’s name in the title

Cracklin Rosie - Neil Diamond

42. A completely ridiculous song

Beans in Our Ears - Serendipity Singers

43. A song by an artist from a different country than you

Getting in Tune - The Who

44. A song from your childhood

I’m Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance

45. A song that makes you cry

Alone Again, Naturally - Gilbert O’Sullivan

46. A song that reminds you of a vacation you took

I’m Your Captain/Closer to Home - Grand Funk

47. A song that reminds you of a friend

Love Is Only Sleeping - The Monkees

48. A song for a late night

Brain Damage/Eclipse - Pink Floyd

49. A song that makes you feel better

I’ll Feel a Whole Lot Better - The Byrds

50. Your absolute favorite song (or just right now)

Country Girl - CSNY

#just feel like fangirling over music tonight so this was appropriate #music survey #that no one asked for but whatevskies #SotD 2020 Playlist #there really is some good variety here I must say #still 79% obscure #apparently

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deadcactuswalking · 4 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: SEASON THREE (29th December 2019)

There are ten songs in this top 40 that are not Christmas songs. There are 30 holiday singles in one chart, for the first time ever. That is one quarter of the chart left that isn’t festive in some capacity. I know I said last week was the Christmas episode, Christmas chart, Christmas special, or whatever, but the post-Christmas week, the first week of the next year, in this case 2020 (The end-of-year chart will soon be released in full), will always include Christmas tracking and hence have more songs. Therefore, you could argue that last week’s #1 isn’t the true Christmas #1. I’d disagree because out of the two #1s, it is the only one that made an evident campaign for the spot, although the campaign for the second #1 is only not evident out of sheer falsity, so it really is an open question. Despite that, I’ll say that for the sake of REVIEWING THE CHARTS, “I Love Sausage Rolls” by LadBaby is the Christmas #1 for 2019. In an awful twist of fate, however, that song is now at #57. Not even LadBaby’s last #1 dropped that far on its second week. I apologise for the third season’s first episode being complete shambles, but the events kind of called for a switch of the format. We have one non-Christmas song in the top 10. It would be unwise to talk about the rest of the top 10 as it’s overwhelmingly more relevant to the Christmas section, hence I present to you 2019’s final edition of:

IT’S CHRISTMAS INNIT

Top 10 (9?)

The #1 is Ellie Goulding’s “River”, up 10 spaces, with its only festive justification other than its vague Wintry content being the fact that it’s #1 on Christmas. It’s her third #1 and first since 2015, and the last #1 of the decade – or the first #1 of the 2020s decade. You decide. Goulding’s Joni Mitchell cover was an Amazon exclusive existing purely to push UK sales for a cheap #1, as Goulding’s increasingly irrelevant music would not get to #1 that easily, especially a fluke Christmas single that I have never heard, and don’t care to. I wouldn’t like to believe this is the true #1 but unfortunately it is, narrowly beating Mariah Carey, who has been steadily at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 for three weeks now, as her more deserving classic, “All I Want for Christmas is You”, is at #2 after a six-spot boost. Why isn’t it #1 in the UK, you ask? Greedy record labels vying for worthless chart spots that mean frankly nothing other than to boost the visibility of irrelevant acts that they want to cling onto for dear life so they can get a check, that’s why. Sorry, I’m way too passionate about this, I’ll just move on. Um, “Last Christmas” by WHAM! is up two to #5, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is up 10 to #4, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens is also up 10 to #6, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid is up 10 to #7, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John is up 10 to #8. Now for our second bloody Amazon exclusive, arguably the more egregious, “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” by John Legend, up 23 to #9. Seemingly this song was made for not only false chart points but also because of the novelty of John Legend covering a song by John Lennon. Well, I can’t find a reason to cover this song other than that, as making it an Amazon exclusive goes directly against Lennon’s thoughts on commercialism, and surely making a protest song about the Vietnam war meant to raise awareness about the destruction war causes to innocent civilians a cheap cash-grab would kind of soil the reputation of Mr. John Legend over here... and I don’t even like “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”. It’s a pretentious slog on its own and it certainly did not need a rendition from one of the duller R&B singers to come out of the 2000s. Curiously both Goulding and Legend have ties to Universal Music Group. Sigh, well at #10, we have “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard, up 19 spaces. That’s a better song.

Climbers

Let’s blast through this with no room for anger or dilly-dallying: “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé is up 13 to #11, “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande is up 15 to #13, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis is up 10 to #15, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia is up 19 to #17, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee is up 14 to #18, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade is up 12 to #19, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson is up 12 to #21, and that’s all. That doesn’t sound like 30 Christmas songs at all, right? That’s just 16. Well...

Returning Entries & New Arrivals

These kind of blend together at Christmas; I’m never sure if the song already peaked years or decades ago, and I’m just none the wiser towards any of it, or it’s never gotten this high into the top 40 before. I had to check the Christmas specials for 2018-2019 to see what songs I’ve covered before. I actually found out I’ve already covered “Underneath the Tree”, so I didn’t actually need to talk about that one a week or two ago, but my opinion had changed so I think it’s time well spent. If I accidentally cover a song twice, I honestly don’t care, but here are the returning entries I’ve already talked about: “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney is back at #37, “Stay Another Day” by East 17 is at #35, “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love is at #33, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby is at #31, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Boys Choir or something to that effect is at #28, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber is at #27, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams is at #25, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea is at #24 and “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry is at #22. I know I technically didn’t “review” that last song per se since it wasn’t on streaming services at the time but it’s utter plastic garbage so there’s no benefit in doing so. Here are the songs I do have to review.

#39 – “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” – Dean Martin

Produced by Lee Gillette – Peaked at #12 in Canada and #15 in the US

This really could have just been called “Let it Snow”, right? Regardless, this is actually one of my favourite more traditional Christmas songs, although this is still pretty recent, being a 1959 rendition of a song written by Sammy Cahn in 1945, simply because it was a heat wave in July that year so he teamed up with composer Jule Styne in Hollywood to make a song imagining, in fact almost begging, for colder weather. Despite how controversial Martin’s cover of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” has become, he really still is a talented singer who couldn’t get that song’s framing just right. Here, he seems more in his element and despite no reference to the holiday season, since it’s snow, people just kind of lump it in with more festive hits, especially on radio. I think I generally prefer this sweet, orchestral tint Martin’s producer gave to the composition, and the strings here sound really great, despite that vague drum beat not needing to be there, as it’s honestly quite stiff. I would have preferred this without much percussion at all actually. It’s less than two minutes, so it doesn’t overstay its welcome, which is one issue I have with Frank Sinatra’s decidedly un-Christmassy version, which just sounds really ugly to me today, with its squealing brass section and twee backing singers. The bridge is especially awkward. So, yeah, I prefer Martin’s version here, although I’d like to shout out Rod Stewart’s version as well while I’m on the topic. It was actually a pretty big adult contemporary hit in 2012. Go figure. It’s actually pretty sweet albeit simplistic and I don’t even like Rod Stewart, so check that one out too.

#34 – “Sleigh Ride” – The Ronettes

Produced by Phil Spector – Peaked at #17 in Hungary and #21 in the US

I swear I’ve covered this one before, but I couldn’t find it, so uh, I like the horse neighing. “Sleigh Ride” was also composed by Leroy Anderson during a heat wave in 1948, which is an interesting coincidence. The Ronettes sound okay, but the focus was never their voice. It was Phil Spector’s Wall of Sound production, as this appeared on his Christmas album. His production is maximalist and has a massive, vibrant, colourful sound to it... supposedly. I see it in some of his other work, but this song just sounds garbage. Everything feels concentrated to the centre of the mix and it renders as sludge to me, especially when the freaking strings come in. Does this have to be three minutes also? It’s just immensely boring and goes in one ear, out the other, unlike those second-degree murder convictions... you sick, sick man. Merry Christmas, everyone!

#32 – “Holly Jolly Christmas” – Michael Bublé

Nah, screw the production and chart info. I don’t care. It’s Michael Bublé, what do you expect me to say? It’s bland radio fluff white man capitalism whatever. Here are the lyrics to “Re-Rewind (The Crowd Say Bo Selecta)” by Artful Dodger and Craig David.

[Intro: Craig David]

Re-rewind

Enter, selecta

Ehh, yeah

Ehh, eh yeah

Ehh, yeah

Ehh

Enter, selecta

[Verse: Craig David]

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

[Chorus: Craig David]

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Bo Bo

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind

This goes out to all the DJ's

[Interlude]

Ehh, yeah

Ehh, eh yeah

Ehh, yeah

Ehh

Ehh, yeah

[Verse: Craig David]

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

[Chorus: Craig David]

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Bo Bo

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind

This goes out to all the DJ's

[Verse: Craig David]

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

[Chorus: Craig David]

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind (Ehh, eh yeah), Sel-lecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind (Ehh, eh yeah), Sel-lecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind (Ehh, eh yeah), Sel-lecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

#30 –“Jingle Bell Rock” – Bobby Helms

Produced by Joe Beal and Jim Boothe – Peaked at #3 in the US and Latvia

I don’t know what to tell you guys, I really have next to nothing to say for these Christmas classics. They’re simple, catchy compositions with dated and/or cliché production but make up for it by just being infectious and jolly. This applies to nearly all of these Christmas songs. The whole genre is based on these fundamentals and it’s not like they often take a detour – well, that’s coming up. I’m just so excited to talk about the last song here, so I really have no patience for this or “Sleigh Ride” or “Holly Jolly Christmas”. I have no idea how the hell this peaked at #3 in Latvia. I guess that’s something vaguely interesting about this song. I mean, it’s tolerable but I feel no pressure to write an essay about it or anything.

#29 – “Christmas Lights” – Coldplay

Produced by Coldplay, Rik Simpson and Brian Eno – Peaked at #2 in Italy and the Netherlands, and #25 in the US

In December 2008, Chris Martin wrote “Christmas Lights”, and even performed a segment of the draft on live television. Little did he know, that in my opinion, he wrote the best Christmas song of all time! So what’s “Christmas Lights” about? Well, it paints a very vivid picture of an aggravated relationship that brutally shattered on Christmas Eve, mentioned to be one of many but the date making it especially saddening. You could see it as a family breaking up and having an argument on Christmas, which is an especially common happening; 68% of families have a row over the Christmas break. You could also see it as a simple break-up song that just happens to take place over late December, but really it can be construed as both; Chris Martin plays it vague enough to apply to different situations but doesn’t allow for any wishy-washy lyricism, with some poetic specifics that really resonate. The first verse has almost a semantic field of liquid, all of which are somewhat acidic and all of which are overwhelmingly dangerous: “flood”, “poison”, “blood”. The line “Got all kinds of poison in—poison in my blood” reveals the reliance on alcohol as well as the sheer vitriol our narrator has built up for this person during this break-up, although much like alcohol and much like poison, once you take it, it’s quick and you won’t feel anything the next morning, if you feel anything at all, but the long-term consequences will be dire. This is a lovely metaphor that is illustrated throughout the song, and our narrator’s drunken stupor is even represented in the stammering and messy, incorrect structure of his sentences. The second half of the first verse details our narrator’s solution: he can confound into the Christmas lights, which are artificial, neon decorations lacking any meaning but in his dazed and confused state, he will have to rely on the exceptional displays of Oxford Street, which is directly name-dropped in the song, to guide him to some kind of home, literally or figuratively. One narrative would be that he simply cannot see his way home, but the other would be that he finds warmth in the lights that register memories of nostalgia, so much so that he’s able to reminisce on perhaps better Christmas Eves of his youth. The refrain in the first half of the song isn’t exactly referring to global warming when Martin talks about the snow falling; rather, he could be referring to waiting for the lights to come on and the dust to settle, or for the tensions to rise or even fall. It doesn’t feel like Christmas without family, and those violent arguments are the snow. He’s waiting for them to either stop or just come to a climax as the pain leading up to it is unbearable.

In the second verse, our narrator mentions candles flickering and floating; it’s iconic Christian imagery that symbolises Jesus Christ finding light in darkness. It links our narrator’s story to religion but also stars and destiny, implying fate has led him to this dark path. He seems to disregard the candles, though, instead focusing on the chandelier of hope that he hangs onto, once again abandoning tradition for the artificial, commercialised “Christmas light”, which is fascinating but something I’ve never truly been able to piece together with the rest of the narrative here. Our narrator undermines his panicked cries for help as “like” a drunken Elvis impersonator singing out of tune about how he always loved a “darling”, but this story rings true – karaoke is a staple at Christmas, and he might have very well been an Elvis impersonator singing out of tune one Christmas evening, but he now finds himself yelling in a drunken state whilst desperately attempting to calm himself down by remembering a more fun, simple time. After one refrain, we have our song, and I figure I should talk about the actual music now. The instrumentation starts simple, with a piano melody that sounds sombre and flat, especially when Martin’s dejected delivery, full of despair and hopelessness, drowns out all remnants of the composition as he has a stronghold on the mix. The strings are still somewhat decipherable, amongst awkward, ticking percussion, but they’re barely audible at this point, so the nostalgia is gone... until that refrain, where the atmosphere rises with the strings picking up in intensity and we have our first drop, which still feels slightly restrained, until that second verse comes in, and the drums kick in to represent the stupor our narrator is in, as they’re almost hypnotising in their unchanging pattern. Martin sounds chaotic as well, with his uncontrolled falsetto singing what might quite literally be out of tune. In the second refrain, ugly, plastic guitar loops play and I would usually criticise this but if anything this shows the two sides of the “Christmas light” concept better than I can word it: sure, it’s perfect and convenient for mass audiences, but does it really mean anything? It’s also pushed back into the mix and sounds kind of like “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders, so I’m okay with it being there, especially since it assists the narrative. So we have our second drop and that’s the end; they swell gorgeously in a way I can only describe as perfect... perfect for a transition, as we are now entering the second half of “Christmas Lights”.

The “beat switch”, for lack of a better term, is mostly just an upbeat piano since the strings’ echo is slowly fading out, and it sounds like it’ll finish right there, but the moment when it doesn’t is pure catharsis. The second half of the song is much more anthemic in tone but the lyrics are even more desperate, reaching back to personal memories of the band, even mentioning where they formed: a mile away from Oxford Street, where the sea (River Thames) and city meet. This doesn’t take away from our narrative though, as the chorus is almost a prayer for these Christmas lights to strip him of all his worries, but it’s obvious from the start that his hope is dwindling, especially in the drunken panic state he’s still in. At this point, you can almost render our narrator delusional, especially due to the imagery being so mundane in modern British society. Everyone has Christmas lights, but his attachment is never fully explained, leaving an aura of mystery around our narrator, separating him from Chris Martin, and letting him become this figure that is relatable to most of the country over the Christmas break, which is supposed to be a time for joy, delight and most importantly, togetherness. That extra degree of separation isolates our narrator further, and in the second chorus, he says the oddest and least likely thing to happen: the Christmas lights bring her back to him. Who’s her? Well, we don’t know, but what we do know is that our narrator seems silly now, so we can’t take him seriously. The audience doesn’t exactly turn on the narrator, but we can take everything this drunken shell of a practically homeless man says with a pinch of salt now. He’s insane, or at least in a state that drains him of his mental capacity, and we’re forced to watch this man celebrate Christmas. It’s depressing, and he knows it’s depressing. In the final chorus, he takes a stance that is rather selfless, despite everything else we’ve come to believe about our narrator: he wishes “her” the same good will he wished the Christmas lights would bring him, and that his emotions are livened by the lights, in a great metaphor about bringing up the fireworks in him, almost as if he’s fit to burst... and he might have; “May all your troubles soon be gone” could represent the narrator, referred to here as her troubles, and our troubles at this point, being gone – dead, missing or just out of her life, whilst the lights just keep shining on, oblivious to this man’s delirious reliance on them for a guiding light. The composition here is just as sweet, with more actual rock instrumentation here that gives it a kick and a sense of stability, although the transitions between choruses are basically nonexistent, almost as if they’re another step towards his fate. The instrumental break is a short moment of realisation, and the chorus of “oh”’s, whilst acting as what is basically a millennial whoop, are the voices in his head coming to an agreement: to stop. The song ends abruptly after Chris Martin stops singing, with a dejected piano phrase stopping midway through and a loud, reverb-heavy thud. This is up to interpretation but I truly think that thud is the death of our narrator, falling to the floor, never to come back up.

This is a brilliantly-written song, and combined with the orchestration courtesy of freaking Brian Eno... This is Coldplay’s magnum opus, and an overall beautiful piece of music. It’s one of my favourite songs of all time, I’m so glad it charted, and Yellowcard’s cover misses the point entirely. Thank you for reading.

The Christmas Songs That Didn’t Make It

I am terrified by the creeping overflow of Christmas songs every year, and that I have to cover each and every one to some capacity, but since last year, there’s obviously been less to cover since I’ve talked about a lot of it already, and after 30 holiday songs, you’d think there’s no other songs that could possibly creep into the Top 40 and become part of the canon, right?

...

“Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)” by the Darkness is at #42, “The Christmas Song (A Merry Christmas to You)” by Nat King Cole is at #51, “Somewhere Only We Know” by Lily Allen is at #52, “Like it’s Christmas” by the Jonas Brothers is at #53, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano is at #54, “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt is at #55, “Stop the Cavalry” by Jona Lewie is at #56, “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders is at #61, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Perry Como and the Fontaine Sisters with Mitchell Ayres and His Orchestra is at #63 (Thank God I don’t have to review that mouthful), “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra is at #65, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith is at #67, “Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley is at #68, “Man with the Bag” by Jessie J is at #70 (I’m assuming that’s a song about Santa), “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses is at #71, “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” by Bruce Springsteen is at #72, “All I Want (for Christmas)” by Liam Payne is at #73, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue is at #74 and that’s just all the songs in the top 75. There’s probably a bunch more in the other 25 spots. I’ll see these guys next year, I guess, although there is some hope as a couple more Christmas songs I covered last year (Or even just last month) couldn’t make it in 2020. These are “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson 5 at #46, “Mary’s Boy Child / Oh My Lord” by Boney M. at #47, the aforementioned “I Love Sausage Rolls” by LadBaby at #57, “Into the Unknown” by Idina Menzel and AURORA at #62 and “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud is at #69. Yes, I’m counting the Frozen II song as a Christmas single because firstly, if that song isn’t, what’s “Stay Another Day”? And secondly, if we’re going to strictly limit our musical festivities, the only true Christmas song here is by Boney M... because it’s a literal re-telling of Jesus’ birth, even though he wasn’t actually born on Christmas apparently, or at least there’s no direct reference to such event happening on December 25th in the Bible. I don’t think I’m going to dig myself a hole with that one. I don’t know if there will be a chart rule stopping 30 Christmas songs from entering next year, and I’m not sure if I actually want that to happen, but it’ll be interesting to see how the Official Charts Company reacts to this, if at all.

Dropouts

Oh, it was a bloodbath. I’m not going to go in numerical order but I will start by saying that the album bombs from last week fared pretty okay, Harry Styles less so than Stormzy of course, but regardless, “Lessons” by Stormzy is out off of the debut at #9, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles is out from #18 and “Falling” by Harry Styles is out off of the debut at #39. The rest of the songs from both albums mostly survived, in fact “Lights Up” returned to #48. Otherwise, “Bruises” by Lewis Capaldi is out from #15, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd is out from #20, “hot girl summer” by blackbear is out from #21, “Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez is out from #22, “Falling” by Trevor Daniel is out from #26, “Lucid Dreams” by Juice WRLD is out off of the return from #27, “This is Real” by Jax Jones featuring Ella Henderson is out from #30, “Heartless” by the Weeknd is out from #35, “Don’t Rush” by Young T & Bugsey with Headie One is out from #37, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is out from #38, and “Netflix & Chill” by Fredo is out from #40. I might as well note whilst in this section that there are now at least two versions of each of these four songs within the UK top 75 right now: “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” and “Santa Baby”, which is also sampled in “Santa Tell Me”. That factoid was pretty useless, but kind of interesting. I guess I get it now when rockists say they think all pop music sounds the same, because there are nine in the chart that literally are the same.

What Survived

What little of the UK Top 40 chart prior has remained is not exactly hard to guess. All of the biggest and most consistent songs streaming-wise have stayed, barely. “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi is down nine spots to #12, “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa is down 10 to #14, “ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas is down nine to #16, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is down 10 to #20, “everything i wanted” by Billie Eilish also down 10 to #23 (I’m starting to notice a trend here), “Adore You” by Harry Styles is down 14 to #26, “Pump it Up” by Endor is down 13 to #36, and that’s all of the pop songs out of the way, because Stormzy has three songs on the chart still even in the true climax of Christmas music, which is kind of commendable. “Own It” featuring Ed Sheeran and Burna Boy is down three to number-five, making it the only non-holiday song in the top 10, “Audacity” featuring Headie One is down 22 off of the debut to #38 and finally “Vossi Bop” is returning at #40, for whatever reason. I’m not sure why or how but it’s here and it fills our quota for non-holiday songs. And now, I have mentioned all but two songs that are currently charting in the top 75, and for the sake of completion, “Memories” by Maroon 5 is at #60 and “My Oh My” by Camila Cabello featuring DaBaby is at #49. If you’re wondering how many total Christmas songs there are in the top 75, there are about 52. That’s 70%. I know that doesn’t seem too bad, but to put that into perspective, an album bomb is never allowed more than three songs at the same time. Surely Christmas songs are just as monotonous as an Ed Sheeran album, so why should they be under different regulation? I have a couple qualms relating to Christmas music, especially the charting of said music, but I’m nearly 2,300 words in and I haven’t even written the song reviews yet so I think I better shut up. I know this has been a long and somewhat messy episode, but I really had no option. Welcome to season three, everybody. Next week won’t be pretty, either, as all of those 52 songs will have completely and utterly disappeared.

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