#our boy sokka Do Be Going Thru It (but isn't that just flwogb in a nutshell oops)

[oldpotatoe]

this is an apology post, and also a snippet post.

apology post, because this chapter is, uh, taking me a lot longer than I thought it would? there’s a lot of moving parts to it, which I want to perfect before I let ch21 loose into the world, so there’s that :// 

but since it was Eid a few days ago (Eid Mubarak to anyone celebrating!) I thought I’d be nice and post a little taster for what’s to come :))

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Contemplating life in absolute silence has never been one of Sokka’s strong suits, but he thinks he’s doing a good job of it. Well, as good a job anyone can do when perched on the floe edge, back splayed against the icy ground and feet skimming the top of the water.

Either way, the stars sure are taking their sweet time in revealing all of life’s mysteries to him; they wink merrily against the purple-black backdrop of the night sky, like they know something he doesn’t. 

He’s been finding himself coming to this particular area more and more often over the last few nights, Zuko’s robe tucked into his pocket, his feet tracking their way across the tundra until he’s standing at the edge, toes inching over the line that separates solid ice and dark, still ocean water. There he stands, and there he sits, and there he thinks of all that swirls in his brain, as muddy as the water is clear.

As usual, he tries to separate the strands of facts and nebulous spool of emotions from one another, trying to make sense of things in a way that makes, well, sense.

Fact #1: He’s Sokka, strapping meat and sarcasm twenty-something who’s apparently a Big Deal in two major nations.

Nebulous spool of emotions #1: He’s Sokka. Too big for his shadow, too small for his grief, and lonely in the skin that houses him.

Fact #2: He’s apparently married? Engaged? Betrothed, at least, to one previously-surly fire bender who is also a Big Deal in the nation that said fire bender runs. Wow, wooer of royalty indeed.

Nebulous spool of emotions #2: He’d only just gotten used to being haunted by moonlight. Where is he supposed to turn, when the sun’s golden rays now mock him too?

Fact #3: He’s the victim of an alleged assassination attempt, the result of which is the current lack of about, oh, half a decade’s worth of memories.

Nebulous spool of emotions #3: Sometimes it’s like he’s forgotten how to breathe, too.

Fact #4: He’s back in his homeland for some much-needed rest and recouperation, surrounded by his loved ones. Water Tribe for life, babey!

Nebulous spool of emotions #4: If only he could count the nights he’s lain in the furs of his family’s hut, the crackle of his hearth drowned out by the hollowness that rings ever-present in his chest, and yearned for home.

Fact #5: He can’t sleep.

Nebulous spool of emotions #5: He can’t fucking sleep.

Sokka sighs, feet swinging as he beats out a tempo with the back of his heels against the ice, absently picking at the fraying threads of the robe.

Maybe what pulls him to the water’s edge, night after night, is the longing that calls on him to swim back to where he left his heart— in the embrace of warm arms and gentle floral scents, ocean-salted wind whipping at his cheeks and stealing away the words he wishes he’d had the courage to say: 

I know. I’m sorry. I love you. Let me fix this.

Ask me to stay.

But Zuko didn’t, and Sokka hadn’t. 

And now he comes here night after night, eyes burning with tiredness and regret as he looks at the robe, and thinks of all that he is, and all that he has, and all that he’s lost.

And like every night, when Agni peeks over the horizon and bids Yue good morrow, Sokka drags himself upright and trudges back to his hut, as unfulfilled as always.

#this chapter is like. an absolute monster #and at times fees beyond my writing skill level #i regressed SO MUCH over these last few months it's crazy #so finding that tempo has been hard but im getting there #anyway. here we go :))) #flwogb #our boy sokka Do Be Going Thru It (but isn't that just flwogb in a nutshell oops)