#so I can't blame anyone. I can't sit around waiting for a saintly mindreader who can see that my actions contradict my feelings

[spocks-kaathyra]

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#vent #wow I will never be able to let myself have friends huh #I am unwanted and inherently unwantable #I have it all figured out I just can't DO anything right. why is breaking silence the hardest thing to do #I can't bring myself to make/maintain/deepen friendships bc I'm convinced that I'm unpleasant to be around and unpleasant to be friends with #my company is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy #<- completely unjustified belief. I am kind and friendly and capable of responding appropriately in the majority of social situations #they reach out and I shrink back every time. no matter how much they reach towards me I can't believe that they actually want me around #and ofc the reasonable thing for them to do is stop reaching! when I never reach back! why would they expect a different outcome this time #so I can't blame anyone. I can't sit around waiting for a saintly mindreader who can see that my actions contradict my feelings #I know I just need to reach out. but how could I do that when I'm convinced it'll only hurt them? #my presence makes their day worse. I'm a mangy dog begging for scraps I don't deserve at their table. I am harming them with my presence #how can I beg for their attention and company and time when I know their life would be better without me in it #<- false belief. when I reach out I make them feel wanted and they feel more comfortable reaching out to me when they know I like them. #everyone appreciates being reached out to. I am pleasant to be around. they like being liked by me. my company is a desirable thing #company in general is a desirable thing. my company is better than no company. people like being liked. #logically I know all this to be true. emotionally? they hate me and I deserve it and the more I show I like them the more they'll hate me #sigh. what a banal problem to have. I'll stop being 18 years old one day. I can't wait until I have better things to worry about #replies appreciated. btw. in the interest of asking for what I want instead of expecting ppl to read my mind lmao #narcissus's echoes