#somebody once suggested that I used fandom as a coping mechanism and now that I've outgrown my trauma I can't use it as a crutch anymore

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I know this sounds hella lame and dramatic but I’ve felt such...a darkness...hanging around me in terms of fandom lately. and I keep repeating myself again and again because I’m actively trying to make sense of my situation by reasoning through it, hoping for a golden answer or neon sign to guide me while the wheels in my brain spin like bald tires. I feel terminally unwanted and like an outlier that doesn’t fit into the flock. I can’t shake this off no matter what platitudes people extend toward me. I feel like I’m being gatekept away from social groups or kept at arm’s length in others. I just don’t know what I’ve done, other than be averse to engaging all day every day on discord, to manifest this kind of experience. fandom didn’t USED to be this way. so much has changed over the past 3-4 years in particular and I don’t know if I’m the fucked up cog in the machine or the machine itself is broken. but it’s got my damn head in a bind, dude. if somebody could, uh, maybe, wave a magic wand and help me figure my shit out? that’d be so great

#I'm sorry I keep venting about this lmao #I just turned 30 in December and I'm like dear god is this dark cloud over my head a SIGN in itself that I've outgrown all this #I just don't know why things had to go sour this way #somebody once suggested that I used fandom as a coping mechanism and now that I've outgrown my trauma I can't use it as a crutch anymore #which would make sense to even the dumbest of asses #so why can't I fucking cut the cord and leave? riddle me this