#starting to feel a bit more like myself again

[flightyalrighty]

FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT CH 1 PG 36

Infested will return on June 27th. --- Thank you to the following Ascended supporters: @chaogongoozles, @fiiresiidefrfr, @elizard4227, @grogar, Ezzoh, @susivoi, @calculuscacophony, Eros, @ivycorp, @summersdale @borrelia, @mizukiz, @sanicdetails, @combinegrunt-echo-1, Pica, @veeceear, @quackenburt, ItsmeMonarch, @memendoemori, @trans-girl-sonic, & savarsenic

Content Warnings | Store | Ko-Fi | Read On Comic Fury! DISCLAIMER: "Infested" is a horror comic ft. content not suitable for those under the age of 17.

A long-winded looking back on things below the cut:

The first few pages of Infested were uploaded to this blog on March 2nd, 2023 -- Over a whole year ago! I was so busy, too, that I completely missed its birthday (Sorry Infested). Looking even further back than that, the original story was was something I began writing on December 25th, 2022 (Merry Christmas).

It took two years to get to this point.

And hey, not to toot my own horn about it, but completing even one chapter of a webcomic is a big deal. Especially for me. My first webcomic, Fight/Flight, didn't get very far. I completed the prologue, started Chapter 1, and then had to drop it for a number of reasons (I didn't really agree with what baby-me had to say, politically, anymore).

This comic was born from a lot of intense feelings. The story, itself, too. Some good. Some bad.

I had been forced to move away from my hometown, and with that move, I lost the physical connection that I had to all of my friends. I lost the familiarity of a place I'd known for most of my life. I'm now stuck somewhere... Worse. It felt like a cage. Still does. Disconnected from the life I thought I would be living after college. I didn't have health insurance, either -- Got kicked off of it because of the move -- And as a result, I was off my antidepressants.

So there I was, at a pretty low point in my life. I miserable and lonely and every single day dragged on. And on. And on. And I felt so disappointed in myself. That disappointment became self-loathing, and it all kinda spiraled.

Have I mentioned that I'm a huge Sonic fan? I don't think I need to. I'd say it's pretty obvious. But for the sake of this story, I'll say it again: I'm a HUGE Sonic fan. I've been that way since 2003 with Sonic Heroes. The franchise has been in my life for over two decades. I had a monthly mail subscription to Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog was something that I truly loved more than any other piece of media. It brought me endless joy. Until I didn't.

I had dropped Sonic after Lost World was... Itself. I had already felt pretty irritated with the Meta Era, and Lost World was the final straw. The last bit of hope that the series could recover was snuffed out when Forces was released. It was over. I was done. If Sonic was truly that embarrassed by itself, if they had truly lost touch with what made the series so great, then I wouldn't waste my time any longer. I was so sure that I had to just... Grieve and move on. My beloved childhood game series was dead. Long live the king or whatever. I'd just bitterly read IDW Sonic and think about what could've been. I was lucky to have that comic, at least. Archie had been canceled, too, after all. I was lucky to have my scraps.

Then Sonic Frontiers came out. And it changed everything.

And my god, it was everything. It was everything to me. Flaws be damned, it was everything. To. Me. The spectacle. The serious tone. The vastly improved writing. Kellin Fucking Quinn. It was FUN! It was actually FUN to PLAY. He was back. I was back. Sonic pulled me by my hand out of the ocean of misery I'd fallen into, and he looked me in my eye and he said;

"Hey. You're gonna be alright."

Metaphorically speaking. Sonic The Hedgehog didn't actually literally speak to me -- And sure, okay, maybe it's a little dramatic to describe a game as this great Depression Annihilator but I'm dead serious when I say that, for that time, before I was able to get back on my meds, I was self-medicating with Sonic.

Sonic was all I was thinking about. I reread the Unleashed arc in Archie Sonic, which got me sorta realizing something, and which led to my post where I said something along the lines of "Sonic would hide a zombie bite."

Archie Sonic would, at least. Because he basically did do that in the Unleashed arc of that comic. He let that problem fester until it became an even bigger problem because, ironically, he didn't want to be a problem.

So one thing led to another. I thought more about Sonic becoming a zombie. Bada-bing, bada-boom, Infested was born.

I didn't expect it to get the attention that it did. I felt lucky when the first page I drew Rouge on (Page 6 I think?) blew up. The right people saw it at the right time. I'm extremely grateful for that.

I'm extremely grateful for all of you.

So yeah, one chapter. Woo! Here's to many more.

#infested sonic comic #sonic the hedgehog #tw blood #tw gore

[theminecraftbee]

happy birthday technoblade. for the more sentimental thoughts in me...

to say technoblade is why i'm in this fandom is just... in some ways it feels reductive. yeah, sure, i watched minecraft youtube in high school years ago (and even had a friend who wanted to become a youtuber and wanted me in his videos, before my mom banned me on the grounds of 'you're fifteen and your face and voice shouldn't be online', a thing i thought was stupid at the time and now am like 'yeah okay fair enough' about). yeah, sure, technoblade is not the ACTUAL entry point the youtube algorithm gave me to modern mcyt (it was by way of speedrunning videos in mid-2020, which then later lead into potato war after i'd already sort of started getting invested).

but technoblade is why i'm in the fandom.

potato war is what hooked me, and i subscribed to technoblade and began watching everything he had. somewhere in there, he had a stream! it was on the dsmp; it was his festival preparations stream. i didn't know what i was watching yet, but i could pick up enough to know he was rping. i was intrigued. i decided to come back the next day. i witnessed the red festival live. i went "holy shit i have to get more of this i think?????" and started watching the fandom from the outside. eventually it all built up in me enough i had to write black box; from there i tried to quietly sneak into a discord and then got grabbed by people who are still such good friends to me that i just got back from out-of-state visiting them.

and yeah. i ended up drifting away from dsmp (although i was always around for technoblade), and am here in hermitcraft land--also because of the friends i only made because of technoblade, so you can probably blame technoblade for the fact i'm into hermitcraft. but none of that changes the fact that technoblade was the first. technoblade is the guy who got me here.

the fact i'm still here... three years later? coming up on four? that's unusual for me. that's a fandom with STICKING POWER for me, normally that space is taken up exclusively by like, pokemon and that's it. but here i am.

i'm even setting up to make minecraft youtube videos myself again, just a bit over a decade later. i'm no longer fifteen, mom, my voice can be on the internet now. no one will know.

anyway, in a lot of ways i owe all of that to technoblade.

so you know. happy 25th birthday, technoblade. technoblade never dies.

#technoblade #a BIT of a personal post i'm just feeling maudlin

[darylssunshine]

I need ya.

Summary: Daryl helps you fall asleep after trying to fight it.

Genre: Fluff

Word count: 0.7k

Era: Alexandria

A/N: I just really want Daryl cuddles and to fall asleep with him. This is purely self-indulgent.

~~~~~

It was a rare moment of peace in Alexandria. All of the residents were either safe in their houses or fast asleep in their warm beds, a luxury in a world like this. No walkers were breaking through their fortified walls, no enemies were hot on their trail and waiting to strike until morning, nothing coming through the gates to disrupt the silence. The people of Alexandria made themselves known to Rick’s group in a moment of weakness. They accepted them and let them adapt to their way of living, and Rick and the rest of the group would be forever grateful for that, no matter how long it took for them to trust the other group. These four walls separating them from the cruel outside world and provided them with a sense of safety, and Alexandria’s inhabitants had to bask in that whenever they had the chance. 

That’s what was happening now, in the house that held you and Daryl. While the autumn winds pressed on, you two were shielded and warm. A crackling fire lit up the living room while Daryl sat in the corner of the slightly tattered couch, you on his lap. His arm was resting on the subsequent arm of the couch while the other hand was playing with your hair, twirling the strands in his fingertips and occasionally scratching your scalp. Each time he did, it earned a small sigh from you nuzzled against his chest, and then earning a small chuckle from Daryl.

Today had been one of those days where Daryl got more sleep than you did. You had work that had to be done with stocking the food on account of falling behind the day before, and you were beat. The warmth of the fire combined with the warmth radiating from Daryl’s torso was slowly lulling you into a tired state, but Daryl didn’t need to know that. You wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. 

“Ya gettin’ tired, sweetheart?”

Shit.

Immediately after those words registered in your sleep-addled brain, you sat up and looked Daryl in the eyes, your own being forcefully widened so he believed your ruse. “Nope. Nope. Not one bit.”

Daryl removed the hand that was previously on your hair and moved it behind his head, slightly looking down on you. He chuckled again. “You sure?”

Your mouth quirked up in a smile. “Yep. Wide awake.”

“Mhm. Sure you are.”

He placed his hand back on your scalp and started massaging it at a slow but consistent pace, his soft, blue eyes never leaving yours. Your eyes on the other hand started to get very heavy, like someone was physically pulling them down, something you couldn’t control. Daryl let out a deep chuckle. “What was tha’ about not bein’ tired?

“Shut up.” You said in a breathy manner, stubbornly still trying to look him in the eyes.

His large hand guided you to his chest again. “Get some sleep, sunshine. I’ll be here when ya wake up. Promise.” His voice was soft, but sincere. You’d believe anything he said in this state.

You nuzzled back into his chest, his words making you smile. “Your chest vibrates when you talk. It’s like a cat purring.” You rambled, your voice coated with tiredness. You said it unconsciously, your filter being almost nonexistent with you being on the verge of sleep. 

He smirked. “Oh yeah? You like it?”

“Mhm.”

“Want me to keep talkin’?”

“Mhm.”

He sighed before he continued. “Back before we found ya, I was nothin’. I was tryin’ to deal with all the shit that went down, but I didn’t handle it well. I was a mess, killin’ myself in the process. But you helped me deal with all that. You got me to open up to ya. Every time I see ya, I get like, this feelin’ in my stomach. I know, romance movie bullshit. It’s been happenin’ since the day we found ya in that cabin. And now, I feel like I can’t live without ya. I feel like I’m empty without you, fightin’ by my side. And I’m scared ‘cause that’s never happened before, and I don’t wanna mess it up. I need ya- I- I love ya, (Y/N.)” 

Daryl then heard a soft snore come from below his head. 

He blew some air through his nose in an amused manner and kissed you on the top of the head. “I'll always be there for ya, sunshine.”

#daryl dixon #twd #the walking dead #twd daryl dixon #daryl twd #daryl dixon fanfiction #daryl dixon fanfic #daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon x y/n #daryl dixon x you #daryl dixon x gender neutral reader #daryl dixon fluff #sleepy cuddles

[ao3commentoftheday]

Hi! I have a writing related question. I have a major problem finishing things, specifically the second half or last third. I'm a pantser, and have tried planning to help fix the issue, but it's just...not my style. I plan and it all changes anyway. This problem has been going on for a long time and by now I'm fairly sure the culprit is psychological/lack of confidence. I know logically this is a common occurrence and I likely just need to push through, but I simply can't do it, most of the time even with shorter works (I then feel worse about myself as a writer, which makes the problem worse, etc). I guess what I'm asking is, if you or anyone has been in this situation, and some general tips or words of wisdom lol. I know the issues, but still can't seem to fix it. It's affecting my ability to write and now I can't even start stories like I used to either. It's making me miserable. I love writing and want to have it "click" again; right now I just feel sort of broken, creatively speaking.

I'm not very fandom social but I do read this blog all the time, it's a gift. So helpful on so many different topics, and I felt comfortable finally reaching out here ♥️ Thank you for everything you do here

I think you know part of the issue. You know that you can't finish works and you know that planning doesn't help you. You think there might be a lack of confidence, but you don't seem all that certain about it.

I think you should dig in a bit more and see what the actual culprit is.

Are you worried that your writing is bad and will be poorly received?

Are you worried your story is too niche and no one will read it?

Are you worried that the things you write might lead to harassment or bullying of some kind?

What you'll notice about all of those things is that the worry is about how other people will react to what you've written. That's something that's completely out of your control.

To get back to the joy of writing, try writing something just for yourself, with no intention of posting it. See if that helps you get to the end. Often people who have issues with perfectionism or shame or anxiety will put off finishing projects because they want to avoid the judgement that comes after something is finished. If it's never done, no one will tell you that you did a bad job.

If you're like me, then planning is the opposite of helpful because as soon as the plan is in place, it feels like the story is already written. Instead, try working with a plotline that has lots of different ways that it can go. Make it into a kind of "choose your own adventure" but for you, the writer. As you get to each stage in the story, leave choices open so that you can go left or go right - but you can also go up or down or swing in a circle.

Refocus on the parts of writing that feel more like play than like work and do more of that. Reconnect with the joy of it. Then, when you actually like it again, you can figure out whether you actually still want to post your works and how you can deal with your worries then.

*hugs* it's a rough spot right now, anon, but I think you'll get through it. Let's see what advice the rest of the blog has to give.

#asks and answers

[woso-lover234]

Ausenal x (teen) reader- interviews

"Would you rather play football barefoot or in boots five sizes too big?" Caitlin reads the question and puts the card behind the bowl.

"Barefoot" you mumble but the older girls hear you

"Of course she says barefoot" Kyra laughs

"Before training she always 'looses' her boots" Caitlin said adding bunny ears to looses "and when me, Steph and Kyra ask if she looked for them she goes 'nah it's ok I don't need them I'll train barefoot' and we always have a big argument which ends with Steph threatening to call mini before she finally storms off to get her boots" Caitlin says as the older Aussies laugh and shrink further into Caitlin's side as she rubs my shoulder "what about you?" She asks looking at Kyra hoping to take the attention off of me now

"Football boots five sizes too big" Kyra says and Caitlin gives a really look

"Really?" She asks shocked

"Yeah cause it hurts on your feet if you kick the ball" Kyra tries to explain her reasoning

"Yeah but I think you'll get used to it- you'll be tripping over yourself" you and kyra both laugh as Caitlin joins in before continuing "yeah but your feet get used to it. Like when your a kid and you run on concrete- she still does" Caitlin says pointing to you "and it's fine but now if you did it, it would be painful"

"What's your favourite arsenal chant?" Kyra asks looking at both players as Caitlin starts singing

"Kyra cooney cross, cross, cross or gimme, gimme, gimme the arsenals 33. A young Aussie player who runs the whole field-d!" she says looking down at you before ruffling your hair "hey what's your new one?" She asks Kyra "your new ones good" she says as you nod

"Sing it" Kyra encourages

"Yeah sing" you join in and Caitlin smiles at you releasing you've gained more confidence. With the team you and Kyra were menaces but you were a bit more reserved on camera knowing what the media was like.

"I don't know the start of it" she says "when she's on-" she gets cut off by Kyra singing the correct words and you singing it quieter

"There's nothing I'd rather do than watch our 32 Kyra coney cross oi"Caitlin joined in "no." Kyra said as they sang the wrong part

"Oi when she's on the ball she's magical Kyra cooney cross oi, oi, oi" she finished

"All of them are good. I like y/n/n's a lot too" Caitlin compliments

"Were you excited to have a song?" The producer asked you

"Yeah it's really cool that the fans came up with it" you said with more confidence as the two other players watched with the biggest proud mum smiles on their faces.

"They're all really catchy, aye. Like when I'm playing and they're singing them I catch myself singing them in my head as well. Singing along with them" Caitlin says

"Have you heard Caitlin's?" Kyra asks

"Go sing it" you encourage Caitlin

"You sing it" Caitlin said back to you while nudging your shoulder so you got pushed into Kyra

"No you sing it" Kyra says to Caitlin

"We'll all sing it together" Caitlin compromises as you all begin to laugh "do you guys even know it?" She asks the two girls who nod

"She's red" you and kyra begin singing start as Caitlin joins in "she's white. She loves the Vegemite, Caitlin Foord" they finish as Kyra and you laugh together again

"Who would win a game between 11 Caitlin foords against 6 Kyra coney crosses with 5 y/n y/l/n" you read out and point to Caitlin

"11 Caitlin Foords" Kyra says to back you up as you both laugh

"Our defending wouldn't be very good so it's probably whoever's attacking but you two together are a great team and I feel like it would be close" Caitlin said "I'll put myself in goals before them as well" she said as they laughed a bit more

"Apart from football which sport do you think you could beat each person at?" Kyra asks

"Rugby league against both of you but y/n/n would be way easier to beat because she's tiny and would get pushed around easier" Caitlin replies confidently and gives proof by nudging you in the shoulder and you fall into Kyra again before slapping her as they break out into laughs and then you join in. "I grew up watching it and I wanted to play" she shrugged

"Tennis for both of them" Kyra said and both the other two nodded

"Yeah" Caitlin nods

"That's why I'm always on her team when we randomly decide to play tennis on break because I get to do nothing while Kyra does it all and I watch the other team struggle" you say with a straight face as the other two laugh

"Yeah I used to play and I had to decide between tennis and football. So I pick tennis" Kyra finishes looking between the other two girls

"Handball" you say and the other two laugh "what? Is that not a professional sport?" She asks now looking at the producer who says it is and she nods triumphantly. "I used to play in school all the time and I'd always win" you smirked feeling proud of yourself

"Forever humble this one" Caitlin laughs bringing you into a headlock as you squirm away from her "joking I've seen you play and your good" she says to you which makes you light up

"Would you rather score a last minute winner or a hat trick?" Caitlin asks as both you and Kyra think for a bit

"A last minute winner" she decides with a nod

"Yeah i would agree" Caitlin says then they both turn to you to see what you think

"my last minute winner would earn me a hat trick" you said with a firm nod looking at the producers as Caitlin and Kyra laugh at how you'd basically dodged the question

"Is kyra and y/n's annoying little sister tag deserved? Why?" Kyra asked laughing as you joined in

"Yeah, everything like just annoying things like what your little sister would do like just walk up behind the change rooms and like grab me" she reached past you and grabbed the back of Kyra's neck to show what you guys apparently did "or like" she moved her hand to Kyra's shoulder and thought "I don't know" she finally said as you and Kyra burst out laughing as you leaned into Kyra

"You don't even know"

"You don't even have examples" you and Kyra said at the same time making you both laugh again

"I do but" Caitlin started but again couldn't think of reasons

"Everyone's very mature" Kyra said jokingly as she wrapped her arm around your shoulder "yeah, no I think we have a good mix on the team actually" she said as you nodded with a smile

"Favourite memory from this years World Cup?" You asked both the girls

"Beating Canada at amy park, best game" Kyra said

"That was good and obviously the penalty shootout. I think it's one that we'll never forget and I mean the rest of Australia aswell." Caitlin was beginning to go on a rant tilted your head back and poked your tongue out at Kyra who looked shocked for a second before she used the arm around your shoulder to shake you slightly "I think that penalty shootout had every high and low" Caitlin does the motions with her hands as you mock her with Kyra as she just smiles at your antics "umm and it was just about riding the wave and finally on our third chance we finished it off and got through so I think it was just a relief and finally coming over that hurdle of getting past the quarter final stage aswell it was just massive." You and Kyra had kinda zoned out by this point as you were just leaning into her side and listening slightly and Kyra was holding you up and doing the same "After the game when we'd see footage from the viewing sites and the crowds and people just going crazy I think, we never would've imagined to have that impact on the country so yeah I think that was probably the biggest surprise for us"

"Uhh it was an amazing experience and I agree with Caitlin like I'm surprised how big our crowds were and how many people were watching us on tv and im when we walked out the hotel on game days everyone was right there, watching us go on the bus and like now when you walked around the streets everyone knows who you are and before the World Cup that never would've happened" Kyra said as Caitlin nodded along

"It was nice seeing the change from a fan point of view too. Like knowing I went to your games when I was younger and there was around 20,000 people in the stands and now I get the opportunity to play in sold out stadiums it's really good to see how far the game is coming and im glad I was a small part in it" you said

"I think that and then just we go get coffee or hot chocolate" she said ruffling your hair as you whined slightly "and we're getting like papped do you know what I mean like we're just going to get coffee like there's nothing to see and that just never would've happened before the World Cup so it shows the impact it has like people don't want to just know us as footballers now they wanna know your personal life, they wanna know what your doing and that just wasn't there before" Caitlin said as they both now looked to you for your answer

"You talk to much I forgot what I was gonna say. Umm maybe the Canada game? No no no" you shook your head "the Ireland game was nice, physical but nice and my family made it and I've seen the edits about how much the fans loved it. It was the first game of the World Cup and my first game playing at a World Cup at senior level and we were the hosts and then there was Steph's penalty kick and it was just a nice day." You smiled

"You's weren't talking enough you were too busy mucking around, im talking for all of us" Caitlin said

"Keep it that way" Kyra said with a shake of her head  as you nodded along with your partner in crime as Caitlin shook her head at you as you all began laughing

"Caitlin talk us through your tattoos, does Kyra have any?" Kyra read out "no I don't have any" she said with a shake of her head

"If she did she'd get my name, she told me so if I scored a goal at the Philippines game" you said enthusiastically as Kyra sighed

"Just had to bring it up, I promised her that if she got a goal during the Philippines game I would get her name tattooed somewhere for my first one" Kyra explained as you nodded

"And I did score!" You said shooting up from your previous position meant against Kyra "But I still haven't got my tattoo!" You grumbled turning to lean against Caitlin this time as she pushed your baby hairs off your forehead

"Ummm the one I have under here" she said moving the hand that was on your forehead towards the camera and bunching her sleeve slightly as you and Kyra watched with smiles on your faces "is my nans  date of birth, who is still with us umm but we're just super close so little something there" she wrapped her arm back around you and pulled up her left sleeve to show to the camera "umm this one's my dog peach I just went to a really good tattoo artist and he was good at like portraits and stuff  like that so I thought why not" she said as she then pointed to another one "this was my first one when I was 18 it's meant to be me and my sister um I originally wanted to get dresses and then our favourite colours" she said as she pulled her sleeve back down "and I asked her what her favourite colour was" she said as you nodded staring at her and waiting for the answer "and um she said brown so" you laughed and turned to Kyra as you both shared a look  "had to change plans a little bit" she said as you and Kyra laughed again and you sat up as you knew what tattoo Caitlin was gonna show next. "Umm and then" she said lifting her left then right leg before turning on an angle to show the back of her right calf "this one on my calf I got when I was in Japan, it's just the globe with Australia and then yeah just travel and stuff like that" she said and pulled you back into her before grabbing her left arm again "and then I have one on the back of my arm here and it's just with two friends"

#woso imagine #matildas #caitlin foord #woso #woso fanfics #kyra cooney cross #arsenal wfc

[meetinginsamarra]

mayprompts2024 - a heartfelt Thank You

This May has rushed by so fast, I can't really believe it. It's been absolutely crazy.

I've been intrigued by the concept of the may prompts again just like I've been last year but I thought I would not get to write much because my IRL May 2024 would be packed with work and well, real life.

But, starting with the first prompt "open", the inspiration just flowed. I managed to write every single day (with one exception due to a medical emergency and I did two prompts the day after so that doesn't really count for me).

Most days, I carved out at least 1.5 up to 2.5 hours only for my writing (I'm slow and I want to make it good) and I really don't know how I managed that but the urge to write was so strong that I had actually no choice but to comply.

I wrote two AU's, the hilarious Bed Shop AU `The Perfect Place' and the tattoo shop AU 'White Pony Tattoo' which is a bit more serious but still fun to read. Both stories surprised myself every day. I am ridiculously proud of these. All is/will be on AO3 and I'll make a masterpost later.

I had a such great time. But it wouldn't, couldn't have been that fantastic fandom experience, the feeling of being - more than ever - part of a community, welcoming and supportive and egging each other on in the very best of ways without all of you.

This month especially have I felt so strongly that you all are my found family. I love you all and the fandom so much and now I can't see the keyboard because I have real tears in my eyes because I've become so sentimental.

Thank you @calaisreno for hosting this event and channeling the writing muses and all of the sentiments connected with it.

Thank all of you who have filled prompts, some provoking utter joy, others deep pain and all the feelings in between. I'm not going to tag people here because I don't want to leave anybody out by accident. I've (hopefully) reblogged all that has been created and also, you know who you are.

Thank all of you who have reblogged my writings and/or interacted with them via comments, emojis or added gifs. It makes me so happy to evoke something with what I come up with. No tagging again, you know who you are as well.

All the love to you, Samarra

#fandom love #writer love #Sherlock love #mayprompts2024 #mayprompts love #all the love #I'm so sentimental right now

[class1akids]

Nonnie asked: Is there a reason you’ve become so hostile towards Deku and Bakugou? Is it because the two main characters of the show get the spotlight main characters usually get? Or because All Might doesn’t pay as much attention to Shouto as he does to the other two, who have been set up from the early chapters to be his successors? It just seems unfair that ppl are hating the fact that Bakugou shared the title of ‘greatest hero’ when this has been set up from the start?

I've been hesitating whether to reply this bait question, but here it goes fwiw:

1. I'm not hostile to Deku and Bakugou as characters, but I have criticism of how the story handles them as of late. It's not the same. I think their dynamic was interesting until the apology chapter, but there was nothing truly interesting Hori managed to do with their dynamic after that, imho. They both had potential to have interesting dynamic with others (Deku with Shigaraki in particular), but in the end the writing remained pretty lackluster all around. 

2. I really really dislike interacting with the arrogant and entitled shipping fandom and have been making a lot of efforts to mute it / avoid it. That’s not the same as hating the characters. 

3. Btw, MHA has one MC - it's Deku. Then it has a main cast which prominently includes Bakugou, but also includes many other characters. Fans of those characters have also been given legitimate expectations (like the villains being saved, for example) for both spotlight and pay-off and have every right to criticize the story for not delivering on it. I’m sick of you guys pretending that every other character is “background”. 

4. I'm mostly laughing at the "greatest heroes" stuff, because it's not about the "set-up", it's about the delivery. I have a really hard time seeing in what way they earned the greatest heroes title especially in a chapter that talks about Deku failing his fundamental narrative challenge of saving his villain in a meaningful way, or engaging with his issues.

I can kind of stretch myself and see how the final arc brought together people whose lives he touched (or saved on EZ-mode like Gentle and Nagant) back in the days when he was a passable MC. 

Bakugou though? He was just one of a bunch of people who beat AFO. What makes him "greater" than Jirou who destabilized his quirks, than Tokoyami who smashed his helmet, than Endeavor who actually did kill him and forced him on the rewind, than Hawks, Mt Lady, Inasa, Camie, etc.? 

Everyone in this final arc faced threats they were too weak to face, yet they did it (Sero, Satou coming in to save Deku against AFO they have no hopes to survive) anyways. What makes Bakugou more exceptional? That he managed to die? Every single character pushed way past their limits (even if they didn't get the praise). 

Even All Might could only come up with "you are greatest because you saved my life" which feels a bit tone-deaf in a chapter where he also says "oh well as long as he wasn't crying anymore he’s saved - Tomura's actual life didn't matter that much". 

5. So I'm bitter, because I actually like Bakugou's character and care deeply about him and wanted him to be greatest in a satisfying way. But to me, his endgame felt seriously lacking. 

He's a charismatic character that could have inspired many and he's smart so he could have worked great with others. But instead, he had been once again made a damsel, his team was sacrificed for him and he barely acknowledged that and even this chapter says "yeah, he did all these awesome things, we don't really know how because it was all asspull, but isn't he magnificent?" 

So I deeply resent that the final arc made Bakugou look like the creator's pet the fandom always accused him of being. Lots of glaze, but actually very little substance. To me at least it wasn't satisfying. 

 6. As for Shouto - I honestly don't care about All Might anymore. I've always felt so-so about his character, but I was interested in the "deconstruction", for the story to tell us how his system was untenable.  Well, the final arc also destroyed any deconstruction his character and the society he built may have had, basically validating his reign as the Symbol of Peace and arbiter of Greatest Hero gold stars, as well as Most Important Life To Be Saved (tm). 

 Shouto's arc is about validating and affirming his own reasons for existence, defining what his power is and I don't need All Might to tell me that how great he is. I think his actions, as well as the hundreds of lives he saved speak loud enough.  I do resent shit like Hori offscreening him in Ch 422 only to offscreen him again for Bakugou in 423, but like I guess in the grand scheme of things, we don't really need a scene to know he'll support his friends to his last breath, because that's like a given for his character. 

 At this point, all I'm hoping for is that he will get a fitting narrative conclusion - even if it's just a hug from his mom, and not have another writing fumble destroy his character arc. Shouto will always be an icon for people who understand and respect his journey and his quiet heroism.   [Smile or comment on the answer here](https://retrospring.net/@class1akids/a/112534216876296276)

#c1a asks #bnha manga spoilers #bnha manga leaks #bnha critical

[asoftgoth]

To ask my dream future self in case I ever escape the closet, how is weight stuff on HRT?

So much I try to read online is full of fatphobes drowning it in desperate weight loss / maintenance talk for such different body types. Would love to hear from a calmer voice what eating on E as a bigger girl is like, if it's actually that much easier to gain, whatever you've been noticing/feeling

I wanted to know this too before I started and there really isn’t a good resource at all for this kind of info, especially for truly obese people like me. From talking with other big trans girls like myself, I can honestly say is that a lot of it will depend on your genetics. I know that’s not what people like to hear, and it’s scary. A lot of transitioning seems like it’s kind of a dice roll. What I will say, though, is that if you look at your mother, if she’s a bigger woman, you will probably end up with a build similar to hers. For me, that was definitely the case. For example, when it comes to boob size people say that you take your mother’s cup size and go down a size, and that that’s what you’ll probably get.

As for my transition, when I actually started on estrogen, I lost quite a bit of weight. Although most of it was almost entirely muscle mass. I did some measurements throughout the process and so far I have lost about 25ish pounds overall but I’ve gained about 4.5 inches on my hips and lost about 4inches on my waist. I initially lost probably 40 pounds, but I’ve gained back another 10-15. So there was that aspect. I think what I’ve gained back has been fat. And definitely I’ve lost a ton of muscle. If you have a big upper body, don’t be super scared because most of the muscle that I lost was actually from my upper body. Like shoulders, upper tummy, that kind of stuff. I actually don’t think it’s much easier to gain weight on estrogen. Or at least it isn’t for me. Some people have said that it is but of all the trans woman that I know that are also feedists it doesn’t seem like it’s some super easy thing to gain weight on estrogen. It’s why I really really really hate the term “biological males”, because our bodies act like cis women’s bodies do in practically every way. 

Lastly, I’ll talk about medication’s. I didn’t see a ton of fat transfer while I was on estrogen. I saw some for sure, but it hasn’t been anything compared to what I’ve seen since being on progesterone. I’ve been on estrogen now for a year and 3 months. I’ve been on prog for about 3 and a half months of that, and I’ve seen more fat transfer while on progesterone then on only estrogen (and an anti-androgen which I still take too). What sucks the most I think about transitioning, is how long things take. Your body is going through a lot, and it’s really important for you to take care of it and help it along through this process. It’s why I haven’t really been actively gaining, and I’ve just been trying to make sure I’m eating decent enough food and drinking lots of water and getting the exercise that I need. I think that’s really the most important thing with all of this. Eventually, I probably will try gaining weight intentionally again, but I’m just kind of letting my body do its thing. It’s going through enough changes on its own.

I hope this helps!!

#questions

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 4 - MONTH 3 - GROWING PAINS

First - Prev - Next

Everything hurts.

I started noticing it about two weeks after my first dose. It felt like a dull headache at first, but over the next month it spread to pretty much my entire body.

I had to start working from home, and eventually it got bad enough that I could only put in a few hours of work each day. My boss is a reasonable enough guy, but he wasn't going to pay a full time salary for part time hours, so I had to take a salary cut.

Luckily, my partner is around to take care of daily errands, not to mention being there to reassure and comfort me when the pain gets bad. They've been thinking about seeing if Lindwurm HRT is a thing, but they don't want to get the process started until I'm in the clear and can take care of myself again.

Gods I love them.

The reason the pain is happening, as best I can tell, is that my skeletal structure is already changing. I've gotten at least an inch taller, and my face has been reshaping into a feline muzzle. My teeth are getting sharper, and I'm developing proper fangs. I also noticed a little while ago that my fingernails and toenails had receded into their respective digits, which sucks for two reasons - I can't paint fingernails I don't have, and they are sore as HELL when I put any amount of pressure on them. I have to be REALLY careful with how I type to not inflict agony on myself. I'm also feeling my tail growing in, and even if it hurts, it's euphoric as HELL. A tail was always the part I wanted most out of this.

It's weird, the skeletal changes weren't supposed to happen this early. I've been trying to reach Dr. Erian about it, but he's constantly busy, probably because of the sudden surge of people looking for Humanity Removal Therapy.

Other than that, I've been getting areas of white and black fur coming in - mostly on my arms and legs, but a little bit on my face and ears - ears that are gradually reshaping and migrating. Nothing to report on hearing sensitivity, but I think my night vision is getting better.

I did a little bit of looking around for anyone with similar pain experiences. I got my hopes up when I found a girl, Antonina, who had a painful experience with Cat HRT, but it turns out it's because she took the rumoured Fifteen Minute version. She described the pain as "like bathing in an active volcano".

It leaves me wondering whether I would have preferred a 15-minute lava bath over a months-long full-body headache.

I ended up reaching out to her anyway, just because I wanted to know what I was in for in the endgame and feline HRT is rarer than I thought it would be. Sounds like the prey drive is the real deal - she keeps feeling the urge to bite this one girl who's on mouse HRT.

We've been spending some time comparing notes and getting to know each other. It's nice to know someone else who's going through this thing, even if our experiences aren't exactly one-to-one.

I also talked to my mother for the first time in nearly a year. I went No Contact with her a while back because she was only getting more obnoxious and combative about me being trans, but I figured changing my species is a big enough deal that I should keep her in the loop.

Besides, my savings had nearly dried up and I needed to ask her for money.

It… did not go well. She hadn't heard of therian HRT before, and once I explained it, she started panicking about how I'm "mutilating my body" with "untested treatments". I think I also heard her cry something about how her "son" is "killing himself", which is just multiple layers of insensitive.

At least she sent me some money. Hopefully it'll be enough to last until my transformation stops being agonizing and I can go back to work, and then I can go right back to pretending my family doesn't exist.

At roughly the three-month mark, I have a check-in video call with Dr. Erian. From the moment his face appears on screen, though, I can tell something is wrong. He seems… older, somehow.

"Hello, Miss Alexis.", he offers. He sounds tired. Sorrowful, even.

"Hey, doc." I have to ask about it. "Everything okay? You seem a bit tired."

"Nothing to worry about Miss Alexis, just the ordinary stresses of daily life."

Liar. I know I'm not entitled to details of your personal life, much less your professional secrets, but I know when something is eating at someone.

"…Does the word 'crossroads' mean anything to you, Miss Alexis?"

Huh? That came a bit out of left field. "I've… heard some other therian HRT patients use the term, but I don't know much of the details. Something about a point of no return?"

"Something of the sort." He lowers his head and seems to go from sorrowful to downright grim. "There will come a time, Miss Alexis, when you will have to make a very important decision in your care, and I ask that you do so with great consideration for the consequences."

I recoil a little in my seat. "Yeah… Of course I will. Any decision I make, even reaching out to you in the first place, I don't take it lightly."

"Good… That's good." His demeanor shifts back to his stoic, clinical self. I don't know what just happened, but he went somewhere for a moment there.

"Now then, I did receive your messages, I apologize for not getting back to you. You mentioned you were experiencing persistent and debilitating whole-body soreness?"

"Yeah. I can't even leave the apartment most days, it hurts so much."

"Odd… You are taking the treatment as directed, yes?"

"Of course. One tablespoon a week, just like it says on the bottle."

I see his eyes twitch behind his glasses. Did I say something wrong?

"…Teaspoon."

I cock my head to the side. "Say again?"

"You mean one TEASPOON a week, yes?"

I feel my heart sink. The dark smear on the dosage information… I could have sworn it said '1 tbsp/week'.

"…Could you hold on a second please?" I mute the mic and call out to my partner to bring the bottle of tiger HRT over. When they do, I unmute and hold it up to the webcam. I hear Dr. Erian take a sharp intake of breath as he notices the obscured instructions.

I set the bottle aside and the two of us share an awkward silence.

"So…", I begin. "…How bad is it?"

"The good news", he offers slowly, "is that you have only been taking three times the prescribed dose. An increased dose imbalances the growth rate of the different parts of your body, hence your pain and persistent weakness, but it could have been much worse."

I think back to the so-called Fifteen Minute version, and Antonina's description of it - like bathing in an active volcano.

Dr. Erian continues. "Assuming you return to a CORRECT dose, your growth rates will gradually level out over the course of the next month or so. It is my medical opinion that you should maintain a low-activity lifestyle until then, but you will eventually be able to return to your typical activity level, and you will also find that the physical effects become more… consistent."

"That's… reassuring. Thank you, doctor." I pause. Something I noticed a little while ago has been weighing on my mind. "There's one thing, though - do the treatments have… I guess you'd call them restorative or regenerative effects? I've noticed some old wounds aren't there anymore."

The doctor clicks his pen and brings up his notepad. "Interesting. Do go on, Miss Alexis."

"Well… I used to get lower back pain from a car crash injury I got a little over a year ago, but I haven't noticed it at all lately. Pretty much the only part that DOESN'T hurt… There also used to be some marks on my arm from a cat biting me when I was little." I give a slight smile. "The cat's name was Tiger, go figure."

Dr. Erian is writing the whole time I'm talking. "Yes, that is to be expected. Minor persistent injuries will fade over time as your body re-forms itself to a new baseline, even severe chronic symptoms may fade. If there are no other concerns…"

"Just one… Most of the other therian HRT patients I've talked to have gotten their meds as pills, so what's with the potion bottle?"

Dr. Erian pauses, and adjusts his glasses nervously, as if he's been caught out on something he doesn't want to admit to. "Well… advances in the field are occurring rapidly, and you are one of the more recent patients, so a more… streamlined option was available to you. I took the liberty of choosing the most compatible option based on your medical records, and that bottle is it."

"Okay… But what's IN it?"

"The active ingredients are antihominidone, which is your humanity-blocker, and a specialized formula of felistrogen, infused with white tiger genetic material. The rest of the fluid is a suspension used to dilute the effects, without which you would be looking at a short, but excruciating and potentially lethal process."

The Fifteen Minute version, I think to myself. I'm taking diluted Fifteen Minute meds. There's no WAY this isn't experimental, and I'M the experiment. I despise saying it, but maybe my mother was right to worry.

"But I'm afraid I really do have to go, Miss Alexis, my next appointment is waiting."

"G-gotcha. See ya, doctor."

---

Special thanks to @paintedbytosia for letting me write her in, and shoutout to @megamoonerjenny for coming up with 'antihominidone'

#trans #transgender #transwoman #tiger hrt #therian hrt #furry hrt #animal hrt #trans artist #queer artist #my art

[wherebettertoescape]

Thoughts on The Outsiders Album

Okay, as I said yesterday, I have a LOT of thoughts on the album and I decided to revive this page so I stop bothering everyone IRL with my thoughts about it 😂 I figure there must be a good amount of people on tumblr who are down to listen to my rants about the album, so here goes.

I'll put it under a cut so there aren't any spoilers for anyone who hasn't listened yet, and I know there's one or two things which I've heard about the prouction via other posts and such. But I will stress that I haven't actually seen it, I've only listened to the album and obsessed over it 😂

It's also below the cut because it's fucking LOOOOONG

Please reply to this or send in your own thoughts - I have so much I want to talk about to do with this album and I'm like... shaking with the need to talk about it with people who actually want to listen 😂

(sad times living in the UK 🥲)

I'm gonna go through the album sequentially, like track by track, because that feels like the thing to do, even though I will say right off that I definitely have more thoughts about some tracks than others. And I will also give my favourite line from each song. But for a just, like, general overview to begin with - I love the album so much?

I will fully admit that I was kinda preparing myself for it to be bad - it's a book that I love and I wasn't the biggest fan of the movie adaptation for a few key reasons, but I was so pleasantly surprised by the musical soundtrack.

I'm in love with the style of music, I love the entire cast (all of them have such different singing voices and styles and I think that they merge together so beautifully), and it has most of the things that I love in a musical - for me, it's got the right balance of the talking sections included with the singing, as well, which I know some people aren't huge fans of, but I might be biased because Soda is and always has been my favourite character and most of the talking is by him 😂 (I love Jason Schmidt, but we'll talk about that later), and as well as that the style of music and singing like gives me a good picture of what the actual choreography might look like, which I'm obsessed with, since I probably won't get to see it unless it somehow gets to the West End (🤞🏻)

Tulsa '67

Okay so this song is just like ✨exposition ✨ but it's done in a fun way, and I've decided it's worth it just for the finale reprise

I was also like stupidly emotional the first time I heard it and it opened with the opening line of the book

I was wary because of the immediate characterisation of Sodapop as being the brother "with a broken heart" (side note - does this mean Sandy broke his heart before the show rather than after it? I've goes QUESTIONS) - I'll go into it again when we get into Grease Got a Hold for obvious reasons, but I was worried that Soda was gonna be reduced into just being a womaniser again, which is something that bothered me about the movie adaptation

Favourite line: "all the girls are pretty there, and all the guys are mean"

Grease Got a Hold

right so it has no right to be as much of a bop as it is, it's been stuck in my head for the past week since it came out and I can't even be mad about it 😂

It's essentially just a typical "gang" song to introduce and characterise all the different members

Dally always saying "Little brother" got me so emotional like immediately

And I know I just said that I was upset with Soda's characterisation as a womaniser, but considering later songs, I will say I do find it really funny that he basically just goes "yeah I'm a greaser bc I love women 😊"

I LOVE TWO-BIT MATTHEWS - I would die for Daryl Tofa, just something soooooo good about the line he gives after Soda's verse

I have to admit, I was a little worried that they were gonna be pushing some anti-Darry propaganda, but I had no cause to worry, as he's an actual angel. Also it's so funny how fucking Done he is the moment he starts speaking

Something really funny about Steve not getting a verse, but something really sad about Johnny not getting one, but I don't have fully fleshed out thoughts yet so I'm gonna leave that there

But also there's just something about all of them trying to act tough, but all of them just have the voices of angels

Favourite line: "I'm a latch-key kid but they keep changing the locks" and also "you wanna be a fighter? then know just what you're fighting for"

Runs in the Family

I'm upset because this song has been such an ear-worm for me, but it's actually just so sad? There are a couple of these, but this is one of the main ones for me

It immediately makes Darry just such a sympathetic character - it's well documented that Ponyboy doesn't feel like he's enough of a greaser, but I don't think we talk enough about Darry is a reluctant greaser

Side note: but I'm really glad that they included Darry having dropped out of school to look after Soda and Pony, because that was kinda glossed over in the movie, which I felt did Darry a disservice

I just want to hug Brent Comer and tell Darry that he's doing a good job and everything will be okay 🥲

Favourite line: "I don't know what them boys would ever do without me - and what would I do on my own?"

Great Expectations

honestly this song deserves a post all of it's own, and maybe one day I'll do a full analysis of it

but in the meantime, it's fucking GORGEOUS, like Brody Grant has NO RIGHT to sound like this I'm so mad

THE FUCKING HARMONIES I WANNA SCREAM THEY'RE SO GOOD

One of the things I've loved about the soundtrack in general is how Pony in particular draws parallels and comparrisons between Johnny and the other greasers - here it's between Darry and Johnny, and I love it because Pony references in the book that he feels like he and Johnny are the outsiders in the greasers, he feels like neither of them really belong there, and they convey that so well in the musical with these constant comparisons in the songs and music

The continual return back to this idea of a self-fulfilling prophechy - trying to prove that they're not all the same just because they're greasers (like with the different verses in Grease Got a Hold), and this striving for individuality despite the overarching label they've been given

Favourite line: "It's hard to write this story, when this story's writing me"

Friday at the Drive-in

they all just sound so young - that's my main take-away from this song

I love songs in musicals like this where you're forced to be reminded how young the characters are and you have to humanise them a bit more - a bit like with "Drink with Me" in Les Mis

Also anytime that a soundtrack includes the dance-break it makes me so happy 🥲

Favourite Line: "Got no more stress, nothing to worry me - no more teacher's pet or trigonometry"

I Could Talk to You All Night

I need to say that I love this song, but the opening from Cherry is so fucking savage - like fucking hell there's no need to do that to Pony 😂

Again obsessed with Pony not feeling like enough of a Greaser

I'm a sucker for two people who feel lost in their own worlds finding each other and bonding because they can be themselves in a way that they can never be around their other friends

It's just such a pretty duet, and I want more of Brody Grant and Emma Pittman singing - we could have a million songs of the two of them and it wouldn't be enough

Favourite line: "I'd rather read then fight a rumble, but Greasers have to go along"

Runs in the Family (Reprise)

Dude it's such a serious song, and I'm obsessed that despite that there's just Soda being a little shit in the background

"I'll fold your laundry - I'LL FOLD ALL OF IT"

I love that even in this song it's like you can tell he's just so worried about Pony but it's coming out so angry and frustrated

So full of grief for the life he almost had

He's just so angry at Pony for still being able to dream, and it's like he feels like he needs to prepare Pony for real life, because he feels like he can't dream or wish for things anymore

And then just the screeching violin at the end of the song followed by DEAD FUCKING SILENCE, and then it switches to the next song where Pony starts singing acapella it's just herugighadlsiughukdhjsak, y'know?

Favourite line: "Whats the use in dreaming, about a life I'll never know? That ship sailed long ago"

Far Away from Tulsa

okay so I've already said that I'm obsessed with it beginning with Brody Grant acapella, and I know that the songs probably don't flow straight from one to the other in the actual production, but for the sake of the cast recording the effect is incredible

But also, there was absolutely no need to make this song so gay 😂 - Ponyboy, the bisexual icon we all need

It's very reminiscent of Santa Fe, with just kids dreaming for a life that they could have outside of their big city. Especially with the line "this place is real, it's not just in my head", which is VERY similar to "just be real is all I'm asking, not some painting in my head", but I'm okay with it because Brody Grant is incredible

But that line, as well as the one "'Ponyboy you're just a dreamer', that's what both my brothers say" are also really great links back to the previous song with the references of him being a dreamer, and that being what sets him apart from the other Greasers

I also just wanna say that I think it's criminal that there weren't more Pony/Johnny duets. Sky Lakota-Lynch and Brody Grant own my soul

Also catch me being emotional over Johnny's dream being wanting a family - he doesn't realise that he's already got one in the gang 🥺 (I could write an essay about this and Dally's continued use of 'little brother')

OKAY ALSO OBSESSED WITH THE CIRCLE BACK TO GREAT EXPECTATIONS, AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW THE LYRICS CHANGE FROM

"Torn between what is and what could be. It's hard to write this story when this story's writing me"

TO

"It's all becoming clear, there's no way we're gonna find that here"

GOTTA ESCAPE TULSA TO ESCAPE THEIR FATE, SOMETHING AGAIN ABOUT SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES, I JUST CAN'T

Favourite line: "I'm tired of blindly watching as we're inching towards the ground"

Run Run Brother

There's so much to say about this song, but I literally can't formulate the words, so it's probably gonna be one that I come back to and properly analyse later. so in the meantime, here are my key take-aways

right from the beginning, it gives just an "oh-shit" feeling, just so much urgency and desperation

All three of them have such different singing voices and styles and the combination of the three just makes me so happy and I don't even know how to like express what I'm feeling

Back to the thing about Dally always calling Johnny (and Pony, but we're emotional about Johnny here) "brother"

the music is just so fitting - I feel like I need to be up and moving every time I hear it, like if I ran ever this would be on the playlist 😂

And I'm going insane over the echoes of what has been previously been said - the "grease isn't given it's something you earn", and "let's leave this behind, let's just get up and go" like you're FORCED to face that they are being given what they want but in a really terrible way

Favourite line: "I hate to make you go, but there ain't no other way"

Justice for Tulsa

okay so I know that this is a really important song and everything, but I will admit this is the one I tend to skip most

I will say I think this song would hit harder if they kept with the themes of police brutality that there are in the novel and movie with regards to Dally's death (going off what I've heard about the script changes from people who have seen it, I can't verify myself)

The song feels very claustrophobic, with everyone just trying to blame everyone else, which I think is really well done. Especially with the multiple voices coming in with "you know just what you did"

And it does show the bias of the world trying to blame the Greasers just by reputation alone, which is thematically nice

and also just the kinda mob mentality of the whole thing, especially at the end, with a declaration of war

Favourite line: "or we could send them back a message, take an eye for an eye"

Death's at My Door

I think I've seen somewhere that this is the opening song for the second act and I just - fucking hell, what an opener 😂 they really just wanna destroy all of us, huh?

EDIT: I've been corrected, and it's Justice for Tulsa that starts act 2 - my bad guys, I don't know where I saw otherwise. JfT starting act 2 makes soo much more sense 😂

I wanted to like reach through my headphones somehow and hug Brody Grant, like holy shit

The first time I heard it all I could think about was how much he's going to blame himself when Johnny (and Dally) do die - especially with Johnny having comforted Pony about it

And I'm just emotional about the exploration of Pony thinking of himself as a burden on everyone he loves, especially going back to what Darry says to him in Runs in the Family reprise, just confirming everything that Pony already worries about himself

Favourite line: "I don't believe in the death that you're bringing - the reason I'm living is you"

Throwing in the Towel

I just love brothers okay? This song made me want to like message all my siblings and tell them I love them

I loved that we see Pony's inner thoughts and fears about being a burden on his brothers, immediately followed by seeing Darry's own thoughts and feelings - the two of them being so similar in how they blame themselves for everything

All three of the Curtis brothers being terrified of losing anyone else

AND THIS IS THE SODA CHARACTER REDEPTION I NEEDED - he becomes more than just the womaniser, you can see him having like actual thought and feelings, and the amount of emotion in Jason Schmidt's voice as he's trying to reassure Darry, like this song and Soda's letter gets across everything that makes Soda my favourite character

And there's something to be said about how they're finally like communicating their emotions 😂

Favourite line: "I know your head is full of doubt, but brother that's what love is all about"

Soda's Letter

Musical letters my beloved ❤️

I love songs like these - they're always just so vulnerable

It links to Tulsa '67 Reprise with the reference to how Soda kinda keeps the family all together. This song you can like see the strain that it has on him, trying to keep the brothers who he loves so much together, by trying to tell Pony that Darry does love him even though he shows it in a very different way

also anyone who has seen it and made it this far in the post can you tell me whether they keep in the bit about Pony reading this really heartfelt letter only to go "Soda's so dumb he can't fucking spell" because it's all I could think about when I listened to it for the first time

Favourite line: "Your brother needs you just as much as you need him, and brother we ain't doing to good alone"

Hoods Turned Heroes

The triumphant return of my beloved Two-Bit, and he's doing some king shit

I love him, okay?

This is another song where I know it's really important, but I actually don't have much to say about it, other than I do really enjoy it

Favourite line: "It's time to celebrate Greasers, take pride in the Greaser name"

Hopeless War

I love that it's just Cherry begging Pony not to change, and hoping that he's still an outsider of the Greasers like she is for the Socs, a hope that the two of them are still kindred spirits even after everything that happened

She knows that the rumble is gonna be where Pony loses that last bit of dreamer in him because he's holding just so much anger at the world - I dunno, there's something there I'm sure 😂

it's such a smooth transition into "Trouble" and I wanna SCREAM it's so good

Favourite line: "even if you win, it doesn't change a thing"

Trouble

It feels like a war chant or something

The music is just so agitated

It's like Run Run Brother where I feel the need to be up and moving

Favourite line: "Do it for Johnny, even the scores, time to rally the crew"

Little Brother

I get chills every time I listen to it

Something about Joshua Boone's voice guys, I don't even know like how someone goes about beginning to talk about it, but whoever takes over as Dally has got some big shoes to fill

It's a lament to Johnny, and I feel like I listen to it and I feel the same anger and indignation that Dally feels

It's a song where I listen to it and I know, even without having seen the production, how I'd stage it and that always makes me excited

The longer the song goes on, the more uneasy you feel listening to it

It links him and Darry together again, with how he blames himself for everything that happened to his little brother, he feels like he should have been able to protect Johnny, the way that Darry always tries to protect Ponyboy

The final tempo increase and the discordant violin at the end, and it feels like even just listening to it you're watching him fall into a grief-led madness, and his certainty that there's only one way that his story can end

Favourite line: "They can't take anymore from me - if I ain't got you, then I ain't got nothing else"

Stay Gold

It feels somehow criminal to put these songs next to each other, but I mean obviously they have to be - that's how they want you to feel, but it doesn't mean that I'm not mad about it

I've listened to it like a million times and it still brings me to tears every now and then

There's something about having the hopelessness of "Little Brother", with Dally bring so apologetic at having failed Johny, followed by Johnny asking Pony to tell him that there's still good in the world

Just how much everyone in this story needs each other and they don't realise that the others need them too, yknow?

Johnny being Dally's "gold" - a lot to say about that but yknow, this is already long as fuck

The simplicity of the music itself (same as with Soda's letter - makes them thematically the same blah blah blah with them both being letters and all that), but it makes the song much more vulnerable than some of the others - nothing for Sky Lakota-Lynch to hide behind

Also that line: "I have looked into a thankful father's eyes, telling me I've saved his daughters life", and how that links to what Johnny says in the book about the little girl's life being worth more than his - I dunno, it just got me emotional, okay?

Favourite line: "I hold on to the good 'cause I've made my peace with all the bad" and also "It's easy to forget when you're trying just to make it through"

Tulsa '67 Reprise

WE MADE IT BOYS (seriously though, for real, if you made it this far, thanks for reading through my descent into madness 😂 and please send your own thoughts and such, bc I'm desperate to hear other people's thoughts)

I said it at the beginning, but I think the reprise of this song makes the exposition at the beginning worth it

At the beginning we hear Ponyboy as a dreamer, and at the end he still has that, but rather than idolising and making everything spectacular, he sees beauty in the mundane - he sees it in his brothers, his friends, all of that

The call backs to the original song as well, which allow us to go back to the theme of looking at individuality - the Greasers wanting to be seen as more than just characatures, and by the end they are like fully-fleshed out people rather than just the basic stock figures we initially get them introduced as in Grease Got a Hold

The clearest examples are, of course, Darry and Soda

Darry goes from being "could have been a football star, people say he had a ticket out" to instead being "the toughest guy I've ever known"

Soda goes from "suffers from a broken heart" to "this family's life and soul"

and then it goes from "got no parents, we fend for ourselves" to "can you imagine how proud mum and dad would be"

just something so beautiful about that, I dunno

There's more I could say about the themes of brotherhood and individuality ("grease as their disguise", for example), but I'll spare it for now

Favourite line: "Just too damn good for growing old, and in his memory I stay gold"

(finally - if you've stuck around to the end, I've also recently set up an instagram account, just for me, so please also check that out if you wanna hear more about my thoughts about random musicals and stuff!)

Freddie 🐸 (Instagram)

#the outsiders musical #the outsiders #broadway musicals #musical theatre #theatre analyses #brody grant #sky lakota lynch #joshua boone #jason schmidt #daryl tofa #brent comer #ponyboy curtis #johnny cade #dally winston #sodapop curtis #darry curtis #two bit mathews

[miizuzu]

Well here it is... I donno how I got some of these ideas... I question myself sometimes... Anyways, MDNI, not proofread, hopefully it's not too much....

Part 5

You heard sounds of clothes ruffling, you opened your eyes only to find Zayne rushing to get dressed, “Where are you going?” You asked, still half asleep. “I’ve received a message about a patient of mine who needed urgent surgery, I don't know how long it will take so if you guys get hungry later you don't have to wait for me. I will call you when I'm finished.” You wanted to get up and give Zayne a kiss goodbye, but you realized you were still locked in Xaviers' embrace. Zayne smiled at you and rushed out.

You are now fully awake and bored, you tried to escape Xaviers' death grip but to no avail. You tried waking him up by tapping on his arm that surrounded you, still nothing. You finally decided to call out his name, “Xavier, hey Xavier, wake up.” “Nnngg” was the only sound you got out of him. “Xavier~~ time to wake up~~” you kept saying with a playful voice. “Xavier~~ X-avierr aahh!!?” You felt his cock, which he left inside you this whole time, getting harder by the second. “Ahh…hah… Xa-vier… Are you awake? Nnnn” You reached your arm up and touched his cheeks. Xavier rolls towards you, pinning you under him. His cock is fully erected inside of you and throbbing, since you had your back towards him, you couldn't see his face.

Xavier seems to still be asleep, but his cock was fully awake, throbbing inside your walls, making you wet and hornier from each movement. You were not wet enough yet so you felt a bit irritated, you had one hand holding the back of his neck as you licked your other hand to give it some moisture before reaching down to your clit, rubbing circles on your bud. When you thought it was enough, you started rolling your hips, you started moaning softly against the pillow. “Ahh…” you heard Xavier moaning out as his breath quickens, his hips are reacting to your movements. He slides his dick out half way and slides it back in, painfully slow.

You were trying to buck your hips as much as you could, but since you are still pinned under him, there wasn't much you could do. Xavier actually starts picking up his pase, his cock would slide out more without actually leaving your pussy and would slide all the way back inside with ease, like your walls already remembered his shape and it belongs there.

“Mmmm, so good…” Xavier finally said something, “Xavier!! Are you awake???” You questioned again. “I am now, I thought I was dreaming and didn't want to wake up from this fantastic dream.” He lifted some of his weight off you, balancing himself using his forearms. “This is a wonderful way to wake up.” He started thrusting his hips again. “Mmmm~!!” You moaned out, you tried turning around to look at him but only managed to turn half way. Xavier looks down at how sexy you look, his hips are thrusting into you faster and faster. “Aahhhn~~!!!” You moan louder, a big pool of drool formed on Xavier's bed as you breathe with your mouth open, you were about to cum. Xavier pulls out and your hips try to chase his cock, he quickly flipped you around, wanting to look at your face when you cum, hooking your legs up against his shoulder as he thrust himself back inside you, making you cum instantly. “MMMMMM!!!!! HA…HAH…” you whine loudly, making Xavier cum. Your pussy was spazzing, milking his cock dry. “Agh!” Xavier trying to come down from his high. He still doesn't want to pull out, but you kept nudging at him, “Xavier!! I need to use the bathroom!” You said urgently. As he finally released you, pulling his cock out.

You ran into his bathroom and sat on the toilet and released yourself, you were a few seconds away from wetting the bed. He came so much and it's now draining out of you, sending shivers across your body. You feel sticky and want to shower, Xavier walks into the bathroom and you scream. “You left the door open, I thought I could come in.” Xavier said as he looked innocently into your eyes. “Stop staring and turn around!!!” You shouted embarrassingly. Xavier turns around “You don't have to be embarrassed, it's only natural, everyone has to urinate.” He tries to calm you down. “Please, just stop talking.” You were as red as a tomato, and Xavier has a sad puppy look on his face. “What if I let you watch me? Will that make us even?” You were speechless, your jaw just hanging open as your brain blue screened.

You can’t say that thought hasn't crossed your mind, there were times when you were younger when you curiously peeked at Caleb while he was peeing, not actually trying to sound like a creep but more of how come your bodies are different. “My star?” Xavier snaps you back to reality, you shook your thoughts out of your head. “So you don't want to?” Xavier tries to confirm, “Xavier you really surprise me sometimes…” you let out a sigh, wiping yourself clean and washing your hands. “...so…?” Xavier waits patiently. “Your turn.” You moved out of the way, hovering around the sink. Xavier had a playful smile then walked towards the toilet. He aims towards the bowl as your curious eyes glued to his male organ, fascinated. Even though he was the one who suggested this, he's starting to have cold feet. He wasn't expecting you to look so intimately, he can feel his face burning from blushing. He finally does it, you watch as the stream of liquid flows out of him. When he was done, he shook it a few times to get the last few drops out. He washes his hands in the sink asking “Satisfied?”

You didn't give him an answer, instead you took off your bra, his ears are turning red from the sight, as you walk into the shower, holding the door open as an invitation. He follows you in and you turn the water on, you take his body wash and smear it over his body, seductively. When his hands reached for you, “Stop, you're not allowed to touch.” you demanded as his hands froze. “Is this my punishment?” He pouts, he was so cute and sexy you couldn't help but want to tease him more. Your hands rubbing his abs, traveling up his torso towards his chest, you could feel his heart beating faster than normal, you moved your hands to lightly play with his nipples, pinching them slightly as he let out a moan. His cock is getting hard again and twitching uncontrollably, longing for your touch.

“Haa… my star… my love of my life, please… I want you to touch me… down here…” he was thrusting his hips. “So cute, my Xavier, so needy for me.” You teased as he moaned more. “I need you…please…?” He stares at you with his glistening blue eyes. “Anything for my Xavier.” Your hands made their way down to his twitching length, playfully running your finger over this slit. “Ahhhhh…m-more” you grabbed onto his base, stroking him in your grip towards his tip. “Yes, more, more, more” you licked your lips and gave him what he wanted. Your hands moving faster, he especially liked the little jerking motion you do as your hand reaches the tip. “I'm close, my love, can I cum? Can I? Please? I want to cum” his hips thrusting towards your hands, nearing his limits. “Alright, my light. Cum for me.” Your hands move at the same pace as his thrusts. “Cumming!” You watch as the thick white cum oozes out of his slit, with some of it landing on your torso. You rub your thumb over his silt as he moans, pinching your fingers together then stretch them while his cum forms strings between your index and thumb. “I like this more.” You had a satisfied smile on your face.

Xavier cages you between his arms as he catches his breath, “My turn.” He moved one hand to cup your cheeks as his thumb brushes your lips while the other smeared his cum that landed on your torso downwards. Rubbing your clit, you could see hunger in his feral eyes, your hands were placed on his shoulders as he leans in, blowing hot breaths towards your chest, sending shivers down your spine. Xavier could see the faint marks that Rafayel left behind and was on a mission to overwrite all of them all with his own. Once he is satisfied with his work, his mouth travels to your hardened nipples, sucking hard like a hungry babe. “Mmnhg…” you moaned.

You had one arm wrapped around his head, running your fingers through his soft wet hair and the other holding the back of his neck, you leaned your head against his neck and kisses him, he moaned and you remembered him saying his neck was very sensitive, you decided to mark him like he marked you, you nibbled on his flesh then sucked on his skin, making him moan out loud again. He stares into your eyes once you are finished. “Now we match.” You said confidently, he smiled and nodded his head. He shifted his attention to your other nipple, licking and lightly biting on it, not enough to cause any pain. His hand between your legs is now rubbing against your entrance playfully, making you flinch with every touch.

He finally inserted his fingers inside of you, his cum dripping out with every slow thrust of his hand. “There's so much inside. That's how much you know I love you.” You moan to his words, he is still sucking and licking on your breasts like they were his personal plaything. “Aahhh…” You tug on his hair lightly, wanting him to shift his eyes on yours, “Xavier… Kiss me…mmm” you moan. Xavier releases his lips from your nipples and travels back up towards your collar bone, then your neck, finally reaching your lips. His tongue enters your mouth, guiding your tongue out as he sucks it in his mouth, his hand thrusting faster, muffling your moans from his kiss. Your legs were about to give out, trembling and losing balance. He grabs your waist with his other arm to hold you up, he pulls his fingers out just to give your ass a quick squeeze and inserts them again from behind while his forearm grinds between your crack making you lift your ass as you tiptoed.

You were so closed and he could feel you squeezing his fingers with need, he curls his fingers, rubbing your sweet spot. And with a few more thrust with his hand, you came and collapsed into his embrace. His lips are still sucking on your tongue while you try to catch your breath, your hand clutching his hair. When he finally let go of your lips and rested his forehead against yours, you looked at him with your drunken eyes as you finally were able to breathe. “Sorry, my star. Was that too much? I just couldn't control myself.” Xavier said a bit worried. You shook your head, “I’ll be fine, haa… just need… to catch my breath” you assured him. He helps you wash your body with his body wash, cleaning every inch of you. He helped you out of the shower and grabbed a hoodie for you. “I smell like you now.” you smiled and giggled at Xavier. He was melting just by how cute you were.

Xavier carries you to his couch as he just cuddles you, you were warm in his arms but thought you should really do something else other than staying in all day. “Xavier,” you looked up at him and he answered with a “Hmm?” “Do you want to go and have a date? Just the 2 of us.” Xavier blue eyes beams, he was so excited he could hardly wait. He carried you to his room, letting you pick out which outfit he should wear. You told him he should just wear something comfy, so he threw on a t-shirt and cardigan and some cargo pants. You were worried about getting seen by your neighbors, since you need to go downstairs to change and all you have on is Xavier's hoodie. “Lend me a pair of pants so I can get downstairs to get changed.” He likes your look of you only wearing his hoodie and was reluctant to lend you something. “Common Xavier, if you're a good boy, I'll let you decide what I wear.” He quickly found you a pair of shorts so both of you could get downstairs.

Xavier excitedly walks into your home and goes straight to your closet. His eyes widened by the amount of lingerie you have in there. He grabbed a lace set that was light yellow and picked a yellow short dress. He sits on your bed as he excitedly waits for you to change. You walk over to him and he tugs the shorts off then lifts the hoodie over your head. He holds your panties as you slip your legs through the holes one by one and he pulls it up for you. You turned around and he helped hook your arms through the bra straps as he helped you hook the back, placing soft kisses to your back. You finally put on your short dress and he helped you zip it up. He was eagerly pulling you towards the door when you walked into the bathroom and put on the star necklace he gave you. He loves that you are wearing something he gave you.

You guys decided to go play at the arcade, there was a new motorcycle racing game that you've been dying to try out. You 2 walked towards the machine when a random guy walks over and grabs your wrist. You quickly pull back and Xavier steps in between the 2 of you. “Hey there cutie, wanna come hang out with us instead?” You couldn't believe your eyes, someone actually dared to make a move on you even when Xavier was by your side. Xaviers' face turns dark, he glares at the guy, “How dare you touch her with your filthy hands.” “Oh look, her little friend here is angry, whatever should we do.” He mocked Xavier. “Let's just go, Xavier.” You tried to pull him towards the machine you were interested in. The guy walks in front of you and blocks your way. “You never gave us your answer, cutie.” He tries to reach for your chin. Xavier quickly grabbed his forearm, stopping his movements and he shields you from the random guys.

Xavier’s grip was so strong that the guy was screaming in pain, telling Xavier to let go of him. Xavier bent his arm back as his dark eyes stared down on the guy. “Don't you dare try touching her again. If you value your hands, keep them to yourself.” Xavier warns him one last time before letting go. The guy felt embarrassed but knew he couldn't win Xavier in a fight, decided to retreat and left the arcade along with his friends. Xavier still glaring at the door, you reached your hands and cupped his cheeks to pull his attention back towards you before giving a light peck on his cheek, his anger dissipating as his warm smile returned.

You finally found the game you were looking for, only to have it surrounded by guys trying to race each other, some of them noticed you trying to peek through and moved aside, allowing you to get through. “Hey there miss, you look like you're interested in giving this a try, it might be a bit hard for you though.” They were mocking you by the way you dressed, all cute in your dress, they thought you could never win a race. A mischievous thought goes through your mind, and Xavier sees through it as well, he plays along and says “Maybe you should give it a try babe, it's ok if you don’t win.” You put on an innocent face, “I guess I could give it a try…” They guys laughed and moved aside, all patiently watching, waiting for you to mount on the bike. Their eyes were watching your short dress with bad intentions. As you get on, Xavier took his cardigan off and wrapped it around your waist, blocking their attempt to look up your skirt. You could hear some of them click their tongues, disappointed.

One of the guys got on the other bike, thinking he would win for sure. You easily lapped him a few times and everyone had their jaws dropped. You took first place in the race and Xavier pats your head, “Good job, I guess it's not that hard after all.” You just giggled and Xavier carried you off of the bike. “I'm bored now, let's go play something else.” You held Xavier's hand and walked away from the machines. “What does my darling want to play next?” “Hmm, let’s go see if there are any new plushies we can bring home.” Xavier smiled and nodded his head.

At the claw machine, you saw a new special edition plusie, Xavier wanted to win it for you but you also wanted to play. “How about we play a game to see who gets the plushie first, the loser will have to do what the winner says for the remainder of the day.” Xavier agreed and let you go first. You were able to get hold of the plushie on the first try but the claw flimsy let go before the plushie dropped in the hole. Xavier tried for it and he managed to get a plushie, but it was not the one you wanted. You tried again, this time the claw released the plushie before it even reached the top. Xavier, now very confident, aiming perfectly at the plushie and was about to send the claw down, you decided to distract him, standing behind him with your hands dangerously close to his crotch. He twitched and his hand moved the direction of the claw as he dropped it, making him miss. He looked at you shocked, he thought it was a fair game but you just playfully stuck out your tongue and said “Oopsies!” He smiles at you and shakes his head, understanding that you want him to let you win. It was your turn and you lined up the claw, he activated his Evol and the claw gripped the plushie tightly, letting you win the game.

“So, what will my darling have me do?” he turns to look at you while holding the 2 newly won plushies. “Hmm… Let's go have lunch! I'm dying for some ramen.” You said excitedly. He suggests the ramen shop you 2 always walk pass but never go in. You agreed and started walking that way, the streets were busy and swarming with people, Xavier held your hand in a tight grip to make sure he won't lose you in the crowd. After eating lunch, you can't shake the feeling of someone following you and Xavier felt it too. You 2 decided to walk to a quieter place for your stalker to reveal themselves, and they did as planned. It was the guy who was hitting on you at the arcade, this time he brought back ups.

“We meet again, cutie. Better step away from that pretty boy if you don't want to get hurt.” He said confidently. “I think the one who should walk away is you, while you still have the chance.” You warned him. “There is no way I'll back down from the humiliation he caused.” He gesture his followers to attack, but with a blinding flash, they were already laying on the floor. “?!?! What happened??!” The man asked, it all happened so quickly he couldn't even comprehend what happened. “Maybe I should break his legs so he can't follow you anymore.” Xavier said with a serious darkened look on his face, as he forced the guy to kneel on the floor, one hand on his shoulder holding him down while his foot stepping on the back of the guys’ calf. “Owowowow! I’m sorry! I promise I will never do it again!” the man begs. “Just let him go, I don't want to see him anymore.” You suggested to Xavier. Xavier lets go of him and started to walk back towards you, suddenly the man pulled out a knife, swinging it towards Xavier. Xavier dodged the attack with ease and grabbed the guy by his head and slammed him hard to the ground, pretty sure his nose is broken as you could hear bone cracks. You pulled Xavier along and left the scene.

Xavier was still angry, he wanted to go back to beat the guy up some more. But you told him you wanted to go home. He complies because you won the game earlier and he has to listen to you. Arriving at your apartment you sat him down on the couch and Xavier still has the dark look on his face. You stood between his legs and looked down at him, Xavier still though the guy got away too easily, he kept thinking to himself ‘What if I wasn't with her when that guy followed her, what could have happened to her?’ his mind was going while imagining all the bad outcomes happening to you as he gritted his teeth.

“Xavier, stop whatever you are thinking. I am fine, am I not? Plus you will always be there to protect me.” You softly hugged him, and he tightly held you back. “If he dares to come close to you again, I swear I will kill him.” You giggled and ran your hands through his soft hair, “You will always be my knight in shining armor, but don't become a killer for me.” “I would do anything for you. I would die for you.” Xavier promised you. You got on your knees and cupped his face and pulled him in to kiss him. He was kissing you back with force, making you whimper from his kiss.

You were not sure what you could do, to have him return to his gentle self, his kisses were demanding, pushing you back as he flops you onto the couch. You were surprised by him, his lips are still clinging to yours as you are pinned under him. “Y/N...I love you, I love you so much you would never know.” He managed to say with short breaks in between kisses. “Xavier, I-” He isn’t letting a word out of you, muffling all you have to say with his smothering kisses, he didn’t want you to stop him, at this moment, he wants you all to himself. “Xavier!” You finally managed to get a word out and he twitched, finally stopping his attack on your lips.

“Let's get to bed.” You said shyly as you brushed his hair away from his eyes. He lifted you off the couch and carried you into the bedroom, gently placing you down on the bed. “What would you want me to do?” Xavier was still in a bad mood, he was a bit pouty since you stopped him from kissing you.

“Help me take this dress off.” You turned your back towards him, pulling your hair out of his way and his fingers grabbed the zipper and slowly unzipped your dress. “Xavier, since you helped me win earlier, I will let you decide what you want to do with me.” You were turned away from him but he could see you blushing from how red your ears were, he was starting to relax. “I don't know if you withstand all the things I WANT to do to you.” You were fully flustered, but you wanted him to feel better and didn't want to back down.

“I can take it.” Before you even finished speaking, he had already slid your dress down, he had you on all 4 as he loomed over you, spooning you from behind. His one hand squeezes the fat of your breast while the other rubs your inner thighs. “You are so beautiful, it's hard to share you. I want all of you, all the time. I don't want other men to look at you, even for a second. You belong to me.” He started marking the back of your neck, your upper back, your shoulder blades, there was hardly a spot that he left untouched. His hand squeezes so tight, making you gasp and whine with every squeeze. He hooked his finger on your panties and pulled the fabric up, wedging it between your folds, grinding your entrance with the panties.

“These look expensive, but I can't help but want to rip them off you this instant.” His hand pulled the panties higher, making you moan from the pleasure, until you finally heard a ripping wound as the middle of the panties snapped. He ripped the waistband off as well, putting your ripped panties against his mouth and nose, breathing in your scent. You were already soaked, your essence dripping to your sheets. You want him, but he would not enter, not even with his fingers.

You started grinding your hips against his, Xavier sees what you want but won't give it to you. Instead, he took his time taking off his shirt, removing his pants in a painfully slow pace, your head laying on the pillow, your back arched up and your ass towards him, watching him as you whine. His face now in front of your glistening entrance, rubbing his thumb up and down the folds as he leans in to slurping up everything. “Ahhhn….” You moan as his tongue slides around your entrance, still refusing to give you the release you crave.

“Xavier… please… I want it, I want you” you begged as you stared with lustful eyes, you felt empty and wanted him to fill you up with everything he got. He placed his cock on your crack, rubbing and grinding but till not entering. “Xavier!! Please!!!” You are more desperate now, your hips moving wilder and your sobbing softly. He finally nudges is cock lower, lining it up to your pussy as he pushes his tip in. You felt tighter than usual, since they would usually prepare you with their fingers but you weren't worried about that. “Damn it! It's so fucking tight!” Xavier says as he's pushing his way in, you both moaning loudly, “aahh…MMM!” You sound so adorable to him, he grunts and finally pushes himself all the way in, he almost came from how hard you are squeezing him. “This feels like the first time all over again, I love you so much, haa…so much.” He keeps telling you how much he loves you and thrusts himself inside as he tells you.

“X-Xav-ier! I ahh… I want to…MMM I want to see…your face.” He could see half your face only, mostly covered by your messy hair. He pulls himself out and flips you around, you wrap your arms around his neck and want him to re-enter you, lifting your hips up for him as he slides his thighs under you, he pushes his dick back inside and your head is thrown back, moaning in ecstasy. He places his hands back on your breasts and squeezes them every time you squeeze your walls around him. He was near his limits, his brows furrowed, mouth panting wide open, he wanted both of you to cum together.

“Xavier!” You screamed and he knew you were about to release, he thrust faster bringing himself to the same high as you and with one finally heavy thrust you both came undone.

The soft Xaiver you know finally returns, gently kissing you, licking up your tears. “I love you, Xavier…” He embraces you in his arms while you catch your breath.

You were both lying in bed comfortably when your phone started ringing. You check and it was Zayne calling, “Hello Zayne, is the surgery finally over?” You picked up the phone, putting it on speaker phone while laying on your belly, Xavier drawing circles on your back. “No, the surgery was over a few hours ago. There was another incident.” Zayne replies, as you imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose. “Have you been home all day? Did you guys at least eat lunch?” Zayne questions knowing Xavier would keep you pinned under him in bed if you let him. “No, we were out at the arcade and had ramen, something happened and we came home.” “I guess that's fine then, I don't think I would be able to come back tonight, we are short on doctors and a bunch of thugs were sent in a while ago.” You and Xavier looked at each other, wondering if it was the same group that tried to ambush you.

“I guess they got what they deserved.” Xavier chimes in, he then kisses your shoulder softly. “How come I have the feeling it had to do with you 2.” Zayne sighs. “Sorry.” You thought it was partly your fault Zayne has to do extra work. “Why are you apologizing? You didn't ask for him to grab you.” Xavier pouts. You put a finger by his lips gesturing to him to stop talking. “What does Xavier mean by ‘he grabbed you’?” Zayne sounds like he is getting upset. Xavier grabbed your hand and moved it away. “There should be one guy among them that is more serious, he tried making a move on her and grabbed her wrist.” Xavier told Zayne honestly.

“So you decided to give him a broken nose…” Zayne says, as he himself wouldn't be able to stand if someone tried grabbing you, he might have just done the same. “No, that was from when he tried to ambush us with his friends after lunch.” Xavier clarifies. “So it was self defense. I should report this to the police.” Zayne would suggest something like that. “Zayne! It's fine! Just let it go.” You tried to not escalate this anymore. “Fine, I will just assign him to the trainees to take care of.” He was wanting the guy to suffer some more. You just signed and you could hear someone asking for Zayne on his end of the phone. “I guess you should go, it seems like they need you.” He signs, wanting to spend more time with you but decides he will go back to work. “Just be sure to eat dinner.” you acknowledge him and he finally hangs up the phone. Only to text you right away, ‘I love you, I miss you.’ and you giggled and replied with ‘I love you too, Zayne.’

You and Xavier finally got up to clean up. You changed your sheets and put them in the wash and you were trying to tell Xavier to go back to his apartment after dinner. He was not happy with that, pouting at what you suggested. “Can't I just stay here with you? We can go to work together tomorrow.” You remembered how clingy he can get in the morning and rejected his idea. “What if I promise I won't ask you for any more sex tonight? Can I stay then?” You thought about it and finally agreed. He was happy being able to stay with you. “Should I get dinner started?” He eagerly heads to the kitchen, and you pull him back. “Only if you wait for me… I don't want my kitchen to catch on fire…”

You and Xaiver cooked together and enjoyed dinner, you both decided on watching a movie before heading to bed. You fell asleep halfway through and Xavier carried you to bed, lying comfortably next to you.

You woke up in the morning before your alarm went off, Xavier had his arm on your waist, still sleeping comfortably. You sneaked out of bed and got yourself dressed and ready. You even went upstairs to Xavier's place and grabbed his uniform. You went back to your room, sitting on the edge of the bed as Xavier peacefully slept. You traced your fingers around his features, he looks so attractive even when he sleeps. “Xavier~ it's time to get up…” he was sleeping topless, and only had his boxer shorts on. “Hey Xavier~” you leaned in closer to his ear, he rolled over to chase your voice. You can't help but notice the bulge in his boxers, you blushed and thought, ‘good thing I got out of bed in time.’ he would have tried to pin you down like yesterday. He was still not waking up, you kissed him on the lips and he responded to you, when you tried to pull away his head lifted, chasing your lips as his eyes finally opened.

“Good morning, my dear.” He sits up rubbing his eyes. “Come on Xavier, time to get up or we will be late!” You were excited to get back to the field after being stuck doing paperwork for a week (almost). You gave Xavier his uniform but he wanted to use the bathroom first. It took him a while but once he came out, he finally got dressed and you 2 headed for work.

The 2 of you were clearing out wanderers from each location with ease, Xavier is the best partner after all and you missed working with him. There was even down time where he suggested and pulled you aside behind a tree for a few quickies, after checking the area to make sure there are no extra threats of course. He would always cum inside, he loves seeing how his essence leaks out of you as you fight, always making sure to be extra careful when you fight after doing it.

Days were going by, the same routine everyday. You would be on the field slaying wanderers with Xavier pulling you aside whenever he can, sometimes even in the storage room to spice things up. By Wednesday you got a message from Captain Jenna to go see her, you thought you guys had been busted for sure as you glared at Xavier and he just looked at you with big innocent eyes.

You entered Captain Jenna's office and she asked you to sit down. “How are you feeling lately?” She asked. “Nothing out of the ordinary… I think?” you weren't sure why she was asking you. “The reason why I called you here is because your heart rate has been very irregular lately. And we wanted to make sure your health is the number one priority. I suggest getting an appointment with your physician as soon as you can.” Knowing you have a heart problem and with the hunter watch tracking you constantly, they were getting worried about your health. You knew what the cause was of course, but you wouldn't tell them the reason was Xavier. “I will schedule an appointment as soon as I can.” You promised Jenna. “Stay off the field until I get your report.” Jenna demanded.

You got back to your desk and sent Xavier a bunch of angry emojis through text. You told him what Jenna said to you and he couldn't help but laughed. Now you're even more upset with him, you put your phone aside and stopped looking towards his direction. You could feel his puppy eyes staring at you but you just ignored him. Tara sees this and she rolls her chair over to you and wants you to give her the juicy details. You invited Tara to lunch and told her your current situation.

“Wow! So you're telling me they are all going out with you? AT THE SAME TIME????” You covered her mouth so she would be quiet. You nodded as your face turned red. “Can't believe they were fine with that but as long as you're happy.” She playfully shrugs. “Don't you think I'm a horrible person for not able to decide? “You wanted to know Tara's options. “Not really, you loved them all equally and they are fine with that, don't be too harsh to yourself.” She tries to comfort you. “So… who's your first, in bed I mean?” You blushed and refused to answer. “Gasp! Was it all 3 together??! You go girl!” Tara laughs and you try to cover her mouth again. You 2 kept messing and giggling and lunch time was over before you knew it.

You went back to your desk and decided to make a call for the doctor appointment so you could get back on the field. The nurse told you that there was a time she could squeeze you in, saying someone canceled at the last minute and there would be a spot for you on Friday right before Zayne gets off work. You were hoping for something sooner but that would have to do.

You were clearing up your desk at the end of the day, Xavier walked over to check if you were ready to go home. You pouted at him thinking to yourself that it was because of him that you are now stuck in the office for the next 2 days. Just as the 2 of you left the building, your phone rang.

Rafayel is calling and you picked it up. “Hey princess, I'm finally done with the paintings, do you want to grab some dinner and hang out? You're off work now right?” Rafayel asks excitedly, he hasn't seen you for the last couple of days and he's at his limits. “We just got off work and were about to head home. What do you have in mind?” You asked Rafayel. “Tsk, I forgot Xavier is there too, I guess he could come along.” Rafayel was somewhat unwilling, since he hadn't got to see you for so long and now he doesn't even get you all to himself.

Xavier grabs your hand as if he was scared you were going to abandon him. You couldn't stay mad at him even if you tried. “Actually, let's order food and eat at my place.” Rafayel suggested. “I could use your help with cleaning up the studio a bit.” He said playfully. “So you just wanted someone to help you clean…” you replied coldly. “I'll order you whatever you want to eat.” Rafayel promised. “Fine, I'll see you in a bit.” “Ok! See you soon!” Rafayel hangs up.

“You're coming too right?” you turned and asked Xavier. “Only if you want me to.” He smiles at you. “Argh, I can't even stay mad at this face. Come on, let's go.” you took Xaviers' hand and headed towards your bike. “Are we not walking?” Xavier watches as you put your helmet on, passing him the other. “It would be quite a walk… it would be faster on my bike. Hop on, don't worry you saw how I can handle a bike at the arcade.” You said confidently. Xavier has never been on your bike before and was a bit skeptical. He gets on anyway and puts his arms around your waist. “I can get used to this.” he chuckled to himself, you couldn't hear what he said thanks to the helmet. You speed off in the direction of Rafayel's place.

“We are here.” You told Xavier as you arrived at the driveway. “So what did you think of the ride?” You asked Xavier. “I quite liked it, it was fun and I got to hug you.” You slightly turned pink from his comments, “Well be sure to leave me a 5 star rating!” You said jokingly. “I'll give you all the stars you want. Darling.” He replies and he removes his helmet. You are now fully flustered by his comments, not knowing if he meant it the way you were thinking. You took off your helmet and shook your head out of the gutter. You led Xavier inside Rafayels' place.

This place is a total mess, there were dried paint cans and brushes laying everywhere. You weren't even sure where you should start. You told Xavier to stay put as you go to the kitchen to grab some bags and trays, so it would be easier to sort everything out. You told Xavier to help you with the paint cans while you picked up the brushes and other smaller things. Xavier was great at cleaning, since he always managed to keep his apartment nice and tidy. You 2 finished cleaning up the studio in no time, you 2 are the best teammates after all.

Rafayel finally shows up, he just got out of the showers, and rushed over to him when you saw bandages around his left hand. “Rafayel, what happened to your hand??” you were worried. “You know that painting I did last time you were here? I thought the red I used was missing something, so I added a bit of ‘me’ to it.” He said as he waved his hand. “You used your blood as paint??” You were angry at him, but knowing how he likes to use all sorts of things for his paints didn't really surprise you. “You didn't have to cut your hand though…” you grabbed his hand, wanting to check how bad the cut was. “It's fine~. I did it just as the idea struck me. It's mostly healed already. We should really do something about that guy though, he's been staring at me with that jealous look for a while now.” You turned and saw Xavier pouting and glaring at Rafayel.

Rafayel grabs and hugs you from behind to spite Xavier and he falls for it, almost drawing out his weapon. “Calm down, she's also mine, remember? I bet you've been clinging all over her the past few days while I'm away, I could smell you all over her.” Rafayel sounds frustrated. You couldn't help but feel flushed as Rafayel hugged you. ‘Do I really smell like Xavier? Do others at the headquarters think so too?’ your head was running wild.

Your stomach started growling, and the 2 men stopped fighting for a second to ask you what you wanted to eat. Rafayel pulled out his phone and showed you the list of restaurants for you to choose from, you weren't sure what to get since you've never been to those places before. “I guess I will just order a bit of everything, you can decide what you like most.” You said ok and excitedly hopped around, picking up the dirty paint brushes to take them to wash.

Rafayel and Xavier were left in the studio, staring down at each other, both annoyed by the other's existence. Rafayel pulls his phone out once more, this time he was going through pictures he took of you. He would rather look at you than Xavier. Xavier also did the same thing, they are now competing who took better pictures of you. There were a few shots that Rafayel liked from Xaviers' phone and Xavier liked some from Rafayels' phone, they were able to stop fighting and put their differences aside and shared pictures together.

You finished cleaning the brushes and thought it was a little too quiet outside, you looked outside to find the 2 men sitting and talking to each other while sharing the contents of their phones. You suddenly remembered the video Rafayel took of you and you turned bright red, dashing towards Rafayel and was able to snatch his phone out of his hands. Rafayel looks at you dumbfounded for a second, he sees how tightly you are clutching his phone close to your chest, your face still bright red.

Rafayel has the most mischievous smirk, “What is it princess? What are you so afraid of?” Xavier now stares at you, wondering why you reacted the way you did. “What did you send him?” You question Rafayel. “Nothing much, just some nice pictures of you. Why are you overreacting?” he's grinning from ear to ear. “Fine! I'll just have to delete all the pictures of me on your phone.” You tried to unlock the phone but Rafayel managed to take it back. “It doesn't matter if you delete them here, I've already made copies and saved them on my computer. Hey Xavier, would you like to see my collection?” he jokingly suggested.

You darted your eyes and glared at Xavier then back to Rafayel, puffing your cheeks as you spoke. “Don’t you dare.” “Now that I see how desperate you are, I kind of want to see what he has.” Xavier butts in, “No you don't, since when are you guys best buddies?” You were getting annoyed. “Just now. Do you have a problem with that? Princess?” Rafayel scoffs. “Fine! Since you 2 are best friends now, I'll leave you 2 to it. I'm leaving.” You turned around heading towards the door, both of them reached out and pulled you back to sit between them. “Let me go!” You were puffing your cheeks again and the 2 men just thought you were the most adorable little thing.

“If you behave like a good girl, I might change my mind and not show him.” Rafayel suggested, you flinched at his words, you weren't sure if you should believe what he says or not. “Do you promise?” your brow furrowed while you looked at Rafayel with your big eyes. Rafayel started blushing and tried hiding his face, “We’ll see how good of a listener you are.”

The food arrived and the 3 of you ate dinner. You were watching Rafayel like a hawk, not even enjoying the delicious food like you usually do. “How's your food princess? Which dish do you like more?” You haven't really paid attention to the food, “It’s good.” You gave a simple answer. “Do you like beef or chicken more?” Rafayel asked and Xavier looked your way, wondering what your answer would be. “The chicken.” You answered. Rafayel pouts at you, “I didn't even order any chicken, you're not even enjoying the food.” “I'm sorry, it’s the beef.” You changed your answer in a panic. Xavier couldn't help but start laughing, you stare at him confused. “Darling… Rafayel ordered all seafood… What's got you so preoccupied that you're not even enjoying dinner?” Xavier questions.

They both know damn well why you're on edge, it's nice that they are bonding but you didn't like them sharing embarrassing content of yourself. You stopped eating altogether, you thought they were bullies and they could see tears forming and now they are both panicking. “Oh princess… you know it's all a joke, I would never actually send that.” He walks over kneeling beside your chair, "I'm sorry, let's just enjoy dinner ok?” he wipes the tears off the corner of your eyes and tries to spoon feed you some delicious food. You opened your mouth and ate the food, you know Rafayel is a trickster but not a liar, if he said he wouldn't send the video, you know he wouldn't.

After actually enjoying dinner you felt a lot better. You told him you should head home, but Rafayel didn't get enough of you yet. He hadn't seen or talked to you in so many days he was starting to feel lonely. “Just let me look at you for a bit longer, I love it when you're in your uniform.” An idea flashed in your head as you looked at Rafayel and Xavier with wide glistening eyes. They could tell something is able to go down but just not sure what is… “Rafayel, I think you would look good in Unicorn’s uniform, and we happen to have one set right here.” You stare at Xavier, hinting Xavier to lend Rafayel the uniform for a bit. “If I lend him my uniform, what would I wear?” Xavier asked. “Rafayel can lend you what he is wearing.”

They both didn't like the sound of that idea but they couldn't really say no to your excited face. “Fine! Xavier, follow me.” Rafayel leads Xavier to his bedroom where they switch outfits. You were excited, you’ve been wanting to see Rafayel and Xavier wearing each other's clothes since that day Rafayel wore Xaviers' hoodie. You could feel your face burning as you wait for them to come down.

“Princess, you should come up here.” Rafayel shouts from his bedroom. You bolted upstairs and pushed the door open. You see Rafayel wearing Xavier's uniform, he does not feel out of place, almost as if he was also a hunter from Unicorn. You looked over to Xavier and you almost had a nosebleed, he looks so sexy in Rafayels' signature shirt and it is a bit tighter than when Rafayel wears it, only slightly. You couldn't hide your giddiness, you asked them if you could take pictures of them and they agreed since you looked like you were having so much fun.

“Now that our princess is happy, is it our turn?” Rafayel suggests as he snakes his hand on your thigh from behind, slowly inching upwards. “We still have work tomorrow…” you started blushing, seeing them in each other's clothes got you aroused, Rafayel saw your ears turning red and he decided to shove you closer to his bed, with his arms still around you. You are now at the edge of his bed with him behind you, Xavier sitting on the opposite end. “Hey Xav, help me take a few pics, if you would be so kind.” Rafayel tosses his phone in front of Xavier. Xavier thought he doesn't even have pictures of you and him like this in uniforms. He pouts and takes the phone, Rafayel has his hand still around your inner thighs while the other is up on your chin, forcing your head towards the direction of the camera. You look so sexy, so lustful, so beautiful, Xavier couldn't ignore Rafayels' request even if he tried.

“I want to do it like this, can I?” Rafayel nudges you onto the bed, you crawl towards Xavier trying to escape and Rafayel grabs hold of you, pulling you back towards him. Rafayel has this feral and hungry look in his eyes, he licks his lips and lifts your skirt up, grinding his clothes bulge against your core. Xavier watches your face become more aroused by the second, he switches to recording mode instead of just pictures, to capture everything you have to offer. “Aaah… Rafayel… stop, our uniform will get dirty…” you tried to reason with him. “Don't worry about that, we can always wash it. Right? Xavier?” Your attention turns to Xavier, wanting him to talk some sense to Rafayel, but you noticed he also has the same hungry look in his eyes. “Yea. I don't mind.” He confirms while still recording you struggling.

“Are you recording??? St-” you couldn't even finish your sentence as you felt your panties being pushed aside as Rafayels' fingers entered you. “MMM!!! Ha~” you had your mouth open gasping for air. Xavier was glad he was able to catch all that on video. Rafayel could hardly wait after hearing your voice and how you were already so wet. He unbuckles his pants with his free hand freeing his already hardened length. He pulls out his fingers and brings it up to his lips, licking your juice off his fingers.

You felt him sliding his cock between your folds, rubbing himself against your entrance and gliding by your clit. He slides back and forth a few times before finally lining himself up, his tip kissing your entrance as he twitches. His hands are now on your waist, he lets out a lustful sigh and starts pulling your waist towards him slowly. Your eyes widened as he entered, back arched and head thrown back, your hair was flung back, you were whimpering as Rafayel slowly entered you deeper and deeper. You look absolutely sexy to Xavier who has everything on video. He couldn't hold much longer as well as he undo the buttons on his pants and to release his cock, already dripping from watching you face.

Rafayel finally had himself sheathed all the way inside you, you whiny moans are like music to their ears. Xavier starts inches over to you while being on his knees and one hand with the camera still recording you, while the other placed under your chin, lifting your face up towards him. “You can make me feel good too, right?” Xavier looks into your half lidded, glistening eyes as his tip is dangerously close to your panting mouth.

You looked up at him, wanting him to stop recording your embarrassing acts, you thought if you could distract him enough then maybe he would stop. You stuck your tongue out and licked his tip, and opened your mouth to welcome is cock inside. Xavier wanted to make sure he captures every one of your expressions as you take his full length into your throat. Once he was all the way inside you, hitting the back of your throat, he let out a satisfied moan. Both Rafayel and Xavier are balls deep inside you but they were both not moving, as if they wanted you to get used to them.

Xavier finally stops recording and puts the phone down. His hand now brushing the hair away from your face while his other hand was placed gently on your jawline near your ear. Xavier finally starts moving his hips, pulling himself out slowly, gagging you as he pulls his cock out from deep in your throat. “Mmmmm!!” you moan as the drool starts rolling out the corners of your mouth, It was as if you forgot how to breathe, “Don't forget to breathe through your nose my darling.” Xaiver coos you as he slides himself in and out of your mouth slowly but forcefully.

Rafayel was enjoying the view of his dick being so deep inside your pussy, and when he finally started pulling out slowly he saw how your lewd hips tried to chase his cock. He would push himself back inside your pussy as deep as he could everytime he slid out, making you want to gasp for air with each push, but with Xaviers' cock deep in your throat, all you were doing was sending vibration throughout Xaivers’ body with each moan.

They were both taking their sweet time with you, not wanting to move much so they could last longer without cumming. You on the other hand, was getting close to cumming, Rafayel can feel your walls squeezing him tighter with each movement of his hips. His hands were on your plumed ass, squeezing your cheeks in his palm like his personal stress relief ball. You squeezed his cock hard as a response to him squeezing your ass, “AHhhn! You ha…naughty girl.” Rafayel whines as he smacks your ass hard. “MmmMMMmmM!!!” You squeeze him tightly and moan out loudly as your tears roll out your widened eyes. “Nnnnhg!!” Xavier also moans from the chain reaction. “I ha…ha… I think she liked that.” Xavier told Rafayel, Rafayel slaps you ass again, your eyes begin rolling to the back of your skull, as you feel your orgasm rushing through you.

You came so hard that Xaviers' uniform is a total mess. Rafayel looked down at the mess and said, “We’re not done yet, my love.” Both Rafayel and Xavier are now trying to chase their own orgasm, thrusting themselves harder against you. You were so overstimulated your limbs were about to give out, they had to help hold you up as they are both close to cumming. You also feel another wave about to hit you as they both thrust faster and become more rough. “I-I’m cumming, cum-cumming!!!” Rafayel whines as he releases it all inside of you, you cum as soon as his hot semen hits your walls. “Me too my darling, I'm gonna cum!” Xavier cums deep inside your throat, you could feel his hot cum shooting the back of your throat and the warm liquid traveled down to your stomach. You gagged again as Xavier pulled his cock out of your mouth, coughing up some of his cum out as it overflowed from your mouth.

Rafayel also pulls out of you slowly as you finally collapse onto his bed. You were covered in sweat, everyone's outfit was a mess. Rafayel finally took off the uniform along with yours and put in the wash, along with the clothes Xavier was wearing. Rafayel took some bathrobes for everyone to put on as he cleans up the bed while Xavier carried his exhausted shaking body in his arms. You were looking for Rafayel's phone, wanting to delete everything Xavier captured. When you finally got it in your hand, you realized Xavier had already sent copies to himself. You blacked out from feeling exhausted and embarrassed, after checking to make sure you just fell asleep, Xavier told Rafayel you 2 would just stay the night, since your uniform is still in the wash and Xavier wanted to let you rest.

Rafayel was fine with the 2 of you staying, he actually liked your company and started to accept Xaviers' as well. Xavier laid you down in the middle of the king sized bed as he also went to clean up, bringing a cloth to wipe the sweat off your body, he could see you felt more comfortable already. The 2 men took care of you while you were already in dream land and they ended up rewatching what Xavier recorded with Rafayel giving Xaiver a thumbs up.

@huuvu

#shen xinghui #xavier lads #xavier x reader #love and deepspace #love and deepspace fanfiction #l&ds smut #lads smut #love and deepspace smut #rafayel love and deepspace #zayne love and deepspace

[the-kingshound]

Warning inane ramble incoming, it’ll probably be annoying I apologize. (*_ _)人 I spent the last several days reading every post here. I managed to convince myself to start liking some (sorry about that I’m sure it was annoying to get all those notifications) I have this weird thing where I get nervous about liking older posts cuz I mean it’s been a long time and it’s unprompted so that’s weird right? It feels weird like I’m doing something wrong or I’m being annoying, I considered reblogging too but somehow that felt worse? Sorry I am not good with social rules they confuse me both on and offline Idk my brain is wrong and I’m just a nervous socially anxious snail. (＞﹏＜)

Anyways just wanted to gush about how much I love it here and I’m never leaving (´꒳`) ♡ First and foremost Yniol has a special place in my heart they will forever be my favorite bestie (*＾ω＾)人(＾ω＾*), yes I am biased as my partner is grey and though they don’t play IFs they were thrilled to learn about your character! Also your writing is just phenomenal, your fans are fun and creative, your characters give such warm and positive energy I love them so much they’re perfect, the inclusivity is such chefs kiss ( ´ з `) 🤌🏻✨, the angst is delicious, the fluff is so sweet and comforting, the spice is ... very blush-worthy (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄). This has been a journey I laughed, I cried, I giggled, and I blushed and I have enjoyed every bit of it from pasta discourse to Moldien cult wars to Arthur bunnies, I’ve had the most wonderful time. Now my mind is gonna be filled with Arthurian stuff for months my maladaptive daydreaming is having the time of its life I have a road trip next week and I’m so looking forward to just staring out a window for 6+hours while my Hound's just alternating daydream adventures with the cast o(≧▽≦)o. Also speaking of your amazingly wonderful, sweet, and supportive cast I have decided my (though I love them all) favorite poly pairings are Arthur/Morien and whole crew polycule I’d sell my soul for those but I 100% understand why you can’t really do that. I don’t think I have the endurance in me to code a single poly no matter how much I wish it so the fact you’re doing any let alone several is just god tier you are awe inspiring.

Alas I have rambled far far to much I wish I could be more eloquent in expressing just how much I enjoyed experiencing all of this but for now this is the best I can do (╥ω╥). Thank you for sharing your wonderful work it’s truly a gift to experience. ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ I wish you wealth, health, and all the best in all your creative endeavors. -🐌

No, please please do not apologize. You made my entire week <3 This ask is straight up going into the folder where i keep my motivation to write and to be just a little proud of my work, thank you so so much for sending it.

For anyone having the same thoughts about liking or reblogging old posts: please do it. When I see the notifications, get very giddy and pleased, and I hope you are enjoying the food. Liking, and especially reblogging things, even more so if you add tags and reactons, not only fills me with glee but it also reminds me of old asks that I want to reblog again for new followers. So yeah, I love it, please feel free to go on a liking/reblogging spree!

You are so relatable for the maladaptive daydreaming (this game was absolutely born out of my own mental movies), I wish I could speed up the writing and editing for the next update so you can read it while you travel but I'm afraid it's a lost cause (I have been working on things, even now, but I am currently rewriting like half of it and while it is way better it takes sooo much time and energy). Knowing my characters and story are in someone's thoughts it the best kind of reward I need. I will never likely monetise this game, so this is the thing I wish to leave people with, and I hope the characters can be comforting and keep you company <3

You have no idea how much I would love to write the full polycule... maybe one day :,) But don't lose hope for the Arthur/Morien poly yet, as I decided to cancel the Gwyar/Morien poly and now I have a potentially free slot. In any case, awww, please know that this ask made me so happy today and will be in my thoughts as tkh is in yours.

Please have a lovely day and a lovely week and also a very lovely trip! Thank you again so so much!!

#lovely adorable anons #also never apologize for sening asks in anon i understand #i do the same #(anxiety) #love you!! #anon love

[angellurgy]

journal entry, may 30th 2024

i feel myself rotting from the inside. nothing brings the same joy it once did. ‘once’ being a time i can't even remember.

when i was a kid, i was free. i was alive. i know its common for trans women, we all lose something of ourselves growing up, probably. but the isolation took too much from me. it took my soul.

i used to be so cheerful, so outgoing. so uncaring of what others thought of me, so emotional. being forced into that room, a constant terror, i had nothing to leave the house for, no friends, no hope. i remember sitting on the dining room table, the only place wifi worked, from the moment i woke up to the moment my father came home, talking constantly to the only people i had, my discord ldrs, people who thought i was 16 when i was 13, people who loved me for the face i put on and who would listen to at least some of my cries.

i wish i fucking killed him. i shouldve taken that fucking knife and stabbed him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. why was i so fucking stupid, to think me going to jail would change my life at all? everyone i know’s lives would be further improved by my utter absence of it. if i could be struck by a device that erased me from everyones memories, my friends would only be happier. mom would be happier without that breakdown. mutt would've been. all of them would. the only one who wouldnt is knives, and ive accepted that evil (selfishness) of my desire to die

it isnt some attempt at self depreciation, it is an acknowledgement of my place in this world. it may not inherently be better with my absence, but many people’s worlds would be.

its fucking stupid, really, what started this all on. my envy of those with more, my desire for a dad which i knew would never come to fruition, my desire for a family in general, my gradual loss of friendliness with my irl isolation alongside all of it, my failed attempts to make myself message mutuals like dadsmell or femboytorturer (especially stupid, i barely know her, but still. the point was in my general failure of not speaking.) then it all . spiraled. when i felt the cold that first time i was so happy that i might die. the guilt i was wracked with when i lived was so much worse than the terror i felt before it. so i hid, and tried again, and hid, until i had no choice, until i broke, talked to suffer, until i was brought to azriels.

that moment gave me an ounce of hope, hearing that i would have a friend in this city who wanted to hang out with me often and help me some too. its a shame i was a bit rude that one time in the depths of it. and its a shame he used that moment to tell people i attacked him days prior when i hadnt. i missed the show right after, the first show i was ever gonna be able to go to. we were sposed to go together. but. i dont really get to have fun like the other girls. all ive wanted for so long is to go to a show and dance, ive never danced, really. im too scared. it wouldve made so much better. idk why he. why that. had to happen, i actually felt good and tried for a day or two, until that happened.

ever since then its been worse and worse. i remember that nice puppygirl mutual who sent me puppy hugging gifs in my asks when i was sad, i remember miyoria checking in on me, after the cold of not talking for so long, after that server left me to rot. i remember getting to talk to soxy for the first time in so long. i remember trianon almost visiting, i remember us calling. i remember finally getting to dm w piper, and a lot of my favourite mutuals. i remember feeling good from all of that. the little bit of good i could. and now they're gone. the dying girls strife is too much to bear for so long- i already gave mom the worst breakdown, i wouldnt be surprised if i hurt more like this too. and yet i still love them. i guess its my fault, for letting myself fall like this. for killing myself.

when knives came, and helped me with my passport. its presence was so fucking good. but even if the passport goes through, i now have no one i care about who would even take me in, unlike before, when the offers were common. now i am rotten in the eyes of the beasts. this carcass is no good. i guess knives leaving was the nail in the coffin. that it doesn't get better. everyone forgets you, no matter what you do. youre hopeless, girl, all that you could've been is gone now. im sorry i couldnt have been a person . i rlly wanted to be and to try.

allure, you poor poor rotten girl. you were built to die, and nothing more. you were meant to be killed and feasted on. you were right when you said that this would make everything worse, you were right when you said that the world is not yours, and most sadly, you were right when you screamed out, with nothingness in your voice. was “allure” ever even real in the first place. was i? was she? you won't answer, i know you won't.

ive gained at least 200 followers on tumblr since this started. and i havent felt so alone in a long time. my attempts were less lonely than this. the few people who are left, i can barely even message often because of the crippling murderous cloud in my head, brought on by everything prior. i wish i couldve gotten a fucking chance.

i used to be, at least somewhat liked. people liked my little kink posts, i got some mutuals i could comnect w and who i thought were cool, who i rlly wanted to connect with. people thought i was cute, some people even wanted to play games w me, (thanks margo, love her) but now theres fucking. nothing. when i post online with an attempt at talking again i am left utterly hopeless.

and still, this has mostly just been my online strife. not to fucking mention the physical life, the way i have been left stranded every time ive been at a hangout, the way tgirls only think of me as ‘cute’ instead of anything actually tangibly good. not to mention the fucking uselessness of my soul and the rotten pit in my mind. im mentally ill, but in all the ways that make you a faker and an idiot and unloveable and imfuckingpossible, non existent. not real.

i miss you, my life. i miss you. i miss the little things i had, even thought i know that that isolation wouldve still killed me. a girl can only handle having all her interaction being vcing in a server of ppl who willfully ignore her for the more attractive and ‘good autistic’ ppl for so long before something snaps.

i miss you, my friends, the friends who will probably never talk to me again, the friends i havent heard from since this all began, i still miss and love. because i am ruined. god i miss them so bad. i wish i had a chance to have a life irl, hell i wish i had a chance to have a life even just on tumblr right now, but im being killed.

i cant write more. my throat has been torn and my hands have been assaulted. and my head is still dying of fog.

but i hate that im alive right now, i hate that i couldnt die yesterday. i hate that i am even here to write this, disappointing all, especially myself, especially her. fuck i miss her. all i can do now is keep trying whenever i can and let everyone give up so i will fade from memory even faster. its all i have, when no one is present.

[sturnsbabie]

𝐁𝐔𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄: 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐃 𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐔

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: lil skies x sls!reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: in which skies drops sls home and everyone is mad because she didnt text them where she was.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: swearing,smut,angst,crying,fluff.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.3k

i spent the whole day with ki and right now we were currently taking a shower together before he drops me off at home.

i was on my knees deepthroating him while we were making eye contact. it wasn’t a rough head pushing type deal it was just intimate and soft and i was enjoying it.

“fuck baby just like that.” he said as i kept bobbing my head and stroking what i couldnt fit.

“look so pretty with my dick down your throat.” he said as he started twitching in my mouth.

i started sucking him sloppily as i felt him shoot his seed down my throat. i swallowed and licked the tip clean.

he pulled me up wrapping his arms around me kissing me softly as we stood under the warm water.

we stood there holding eachother under the water for awhile then we finally showered and got out drying off.

we went back into the room and i sat down on the bed and he handed me a hoodie of his with a pair of clean boxers and his shorts.

we both put on our clothes and he sat back down on the bed pulling me into his lap.

“i dont wanna leave boston” he said as he was holding me close to him.

“i dont wanna leave you” i pouted and he pressed a kiss to my lips.

“i will text you and call you as much as possible baby” he said rubbing my sides.

“you better”i giggled.

we stayed like that for about ten minutes then we got up and we headed to his car so he could drive me home.

.•°♡°•.

the whole ride home we were just talking about everything and he held my hand the whole time he was driving.

we finally pulled up to my house and he got out the sametime i did walking over to me.

he pulled me into his arms and i wrapped my arms around him my head in his chest as he held me close pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“im gonna miss you baby” he said.

“gonna miss you”i mumbled into his chest.

he grabbed my face leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to my lips.

“ive had a good time with you baby and i wanna see you again” he said.

“i wanna see you again” i said as i stood on my tippy toes giving him another kiss.

“ill text you in a bit baby” he said.

“alright talk to you in a bit baby” i said.

“ill see you again soon baby” he said as he kissed me a few more times.

he gave me a big hug kissing me softly then i headed back inside.

as soon as i got inside and walked into the living room there was my mom sitting on the couch.

“looks like someone finally decided to come home.”matt said looking at me.

“mhm”i mumbled as i sat on the couch inbetween nick and my mom.

“sls baby you had me worried about you please if you ever stay out like that again just text or call.” my mom said

i nodded. “sorry mom ill make sure to text you next time.” i said and she gave me a hug and walked out of the room.

“sls if you ever fucking do some shit like that again i will come to your location and get you myself.” matt said as his jaw clenched.

“matt its not that serious.” i said rolling my eyes.

“its not that serious really? its not that fucking serious that you could end up pregnant or hurt all because you turn 18 and suddenly think ya so grown staying out all night not calling us or texting mom?”matt raised his voice.

“you were raised better than this sls, you need to straighten your fucking act up and have respect for yourself and your own fucking family whos been worried sick about you.” he pointed his finger at me.

i started to feel tears in my eyes. all i wanted was to go into my room and talk to ki. i missed him so much already and matt yelling at me made it worse.

“whatever matt im not arguing.” i said fighting back the tears.

“all you fucking care about is yourself anymore, you have no respect of mom and dads rules and youre out there partying and doing whatever the fuck was on your instagram.” matt said

“quit acting like a fucking whore and grow the fuck up.” matt spat.

thats what made the tears run down my cheeks and i got up off the couch heading to my room.

“fuck you matt.”i said as tears were rolling down my face as i was walking out of the room.

“matt thats so fucking uncalled for. you didnt have to call her a whore thats fucked bro.” i heard chris say before i walked in my room.

once i walked into my room i slammed the door behind me and laid down on my bed starting to blast the unbothered delxue album by skies on repeat.

i just laid in my bed curled into a ball wearing ki’s hoodie just crying even harder listening to his voice.

.•°♡°•.

it had been a hour since matt and i got into a argument and i still had skies album on repeat crying.

i was upset and i miss skies. i also was upset with everything matt said about me.

suddenly i hear a knock on my door. “go away” i said.

i saw the door open and matt walked into my room.

“what do you want matt.if you came in here to yell at me more you can get the fuck out”i said sniffling.

“i wanna talk to you.” he said as he sat down next to me.

“i dont wanna hear it.” i said.

he had tears in his eyes as he pulled me onto his chest. “sls im sorry.” he said as he rubbed my back.

“what i said was fucked up, i was just so worried about you all night i could barely sleep wondering if you were okay or not. you’re my baby sister and i want whats best for you. you’re not a whore and i dont think you are acting like one either. i was mad and worried so i let my anger get the best of me and i lashed out on you. i love you sls.” he said as he had tears running down his cheeks.

i let myself sob in his chest after hearing his words. “i-its okay matt im just really sad rightnow.” i said.

he rubbed my back soothingly as he looked at me. “shhh its gonna be okay sis.” he said.

i wanted to tell him about skies but i was also scared to do so. “i wanna tell you something but i dont know if i should.” i said.

“well you dont have to tell me rightnow but when you feel like you’re able to tell me id like to know.” he said.

“matt, ive been seeing s-“i got interrupted by my other two brothers coming in the room.

i felt myself sob even harder into his chest and suddenly i felt chris jump inbetween us.

“whats wrong sls?” he asked concerned.

“im just sad chris”i said and he cuddled me.

nick suddenly jumped into the bed with us and we all cuddled for the rest of the night. being with my brothers helped me feel better but i still missed ki.

the four siblings all fell asleep cuddling eachother and the next morning their mom found them all asleep in sls room. she thought the moment was so sweet and took a few pictures.

TAGLIST: @sturniololoves , @delaneysturniolo , @a-m-b-e-r-r , @milesfordays11 , @sturniol0s , @riowritesitall , @kriissy4gov , @m0r94n , @laylataylor0910 , @delusional-4-fake-people , @freshloveee , @ii-addis0n-ii, @pinkpearlsrry

#sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #sturniolo triplets imagines #chris sturniolo imagine #nicolas sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #christopher sturniolo imagines #matt sturniolo imagines #chris sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo fanfic #chris sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo #matthew sturniolo imagines #nate doe smut #nate doe imagines #nate doe #lil skies fanfic #lil skies imagines #lil skies

[solarwynd]

Tbh I don't even care / dislike boycott armys. If you don't want to spend money on BTS because they haven't spoken about Palestine, that's your perogative. Because they're enlisted, that does make a difference for me - maybe others find it an excuse but as someone who doesn't live in a liberal western country myself, I know how things like this work in my country and how vulnerable you can be in this situation, so I don't know how it works in s korea but still I'm giving them some leeway. Also there's just this weird disconnect for me because on one side yeah they're millionaires with a huge platform, on the other side they're currently in the mfing army right now. It feels foul to start tweeting about their privilege from the comfort of my bed in my home - something they currently do not experience. That's just my opinion. Someone else might perceive them to have more power than I do and maybe they're right. I won't say mine is the only right way to think. Plus again it's your money - if you donate more and spend less on merch then that's still a net good imo.

But the whole tone of people remarking on this donation has been completely gross. The way they talk about a genocide the same way they talk about the stupid fanwars that happen on twt everyday rather than with the weight it deserves makes me feel like this is some performative bs. Tweets like the ones some armys and kpop stans make just degrades the whole movement.

If you do have genuine intentions and start making stupid tweets like that, you should really touch some grass, log off twitter and do some more actual activism offline instead of letting twitter brain worms consume you. Acting like everyone's misconstruing what you said and playing victim is also not the move. This is a serious topic so I'd expect tweets related to this to have some actual thought behind it instead of spewing some idiocy as a gotcha because again it looks like you're treating this whole issue like some fandom war and trying to one-up the other side. Click-clack my ass.

Armys always come at BTS crazy during times like this and it’s not because it’s “necessary” since you want them to speak up. It all just comes off as sanctimonious and BTS ruining the perception armys have built around them as stans of them being a bit more conscientious than other k groups. I’ve never had an issue with boycotting in theory it’s just that armys can’t stand behind shit or just go about it the wrong way.

Why is it the minute they don’t perform to your exact standards, all of a sudden they’re low down and evil?Why couldn’t y’all have used Jimin donating as a beacon to rally fans to open a pool or something? And I try not to go tit for tat on things like this, but it’s extremely hard not to when you see proof of all these armys happily buying and streaming golden from last year and have been the main ones making these posts about jimin’s donation.

Nothing has changed from that time to present day. Same with the kpop stans trying to join in on it stanning groups who haven’t said a word either. How do you expect me not to believe y’all don’t have ulterior motives by singling him or BTS out? Now all those accounts have deleted those tweets cause they’ve gotten called out on their hypocrisy and got caught up in how dumb they look getting Jimin dragged over something so harmless. Cause it’s not like he gave money to something inane or inconsequential. He’s helping underprivileged children. Just real dickheaded behavior from that person.

Now considering how a member has close ties with scooter, making a statement would come off as hypocritical. I know in the grander scheme of things, what’s needed and what’s important is the awareness and I’d take it as such. But denouncing Zionism with a Zionist so avidly in the mix still wouldn’t be a good look. Which is why I feel like donating would have been the better option. It’d be much more substantial helping out with funds/materials imo because those are things Palestinians desperately need. But I understand that it’s not on the table since they’re in the military.

[leftsidebonfire]

WELP. It's Pride month.

And it kind of takes a bit for me to actually post this sort of thing. I know I've already posted about my sexuality here before, and nothing has chanced. I'm still Ace and experimenting, questioning, and learning. And there sure is a lot to learn about myself.

Its a tough sort of thing to post, as I feel like I shouldn't quite "belong" under the LGBT+ umbrella. After all, my sexulaity is more like no sexuality at all. I feel like there's no one community I fit into. That's part of the issue though, isn't it? There is a place for me, and I feel unworthy of it.

Because what if I don't mean it after all? I love to read and write and consume and create sexual things, and I do have fantasies, so what if I'm not Ace? What if I'm just a fraud, what if I haven't figured it out, what if everyone else can see right through it and they all know I'm not? Like everyone else is in on some kind of secret but me.

And yet when I say it to myself, I'm Ace, it feels right. I'm asexual. I don't want sex. I don't like sex. It all feels so right for me to say. Because I am. And I do.

Its a journey. A complicated one. Not without its troubles I often just keep to myself, but when I start to feel like it's all just some big joke and I can't possibly be right about it, I say it back to myself again. I'm Asexual. I am Asexual. And there are people out there like me who get it. And I think somewhere deep down, Im pretty sure I always knew.

Thanks for reading. You're valid. Happy Pride.

#Pride Month #Asexual #Ace Pride #Asexual Pride #Asexuality