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vitos-ordination-song · 10 months

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I never realized how gender oppressed I was raised bc sexism was so normalized I didn’t notice it, I believed in my mom’s right wing “girl power” rhetoric, and my brothers were actually treated worse than I was bc they were male. I now understand that that last point was also a part of the larger gender assumptions of my parents/my father’s childhood trauma, it fits in just fine with misogyny and it is sexist. “Benevolent sexism” is when women are assumed to need special treatment when men aren’t. In my family this played out through my dad not beating me or my sister (my mom handled our punishments) and the boys having to do hard manual labor and sadistic endurance challenges.

A lot of the misogyny I dealt with I just took as fact I think. Like, from the time I was 2 years old, I had already been convinced my older brother was smarter than me and always would be. It was in like 2018 when my dad just said that to my face—“you’re smart, but of course Zach is smarter”—and I was like “are you fucking serious? Of course he’s not smarter than me.” It was this built in hierarchy, and my compensation was getting to feel smarter than my adopted sister and brother (my family is extremely sick, that’s a whole other issue but I can’t get too off topic). Anyway I believed my older brother was inherently smarter than me, because he was male and I was female, for most of my childhood; I let his judgment rule me until I reached the age of 16 or so.

Even though I eventually rejected the way I was belittled, it’s still true that it shaped my life. I grew up constantly being told my brother was a genius, but as we entered adulthood, I realized I didn’t respect him as a person which set me free. But when I was just tiny, under three years old, I was constantly told how good he was at math and directions. “He’s already got Atlanta memorized and he’s only four!” He was so impressive, and I was flat out told I would never be good at math or directions because I was a girl and women don’t have “calculating minds” or something. How much did that limit me? Is that why it took me until age 22 to start trying to figure out where the fuck anything was in relation to me?

My mom had a couple talks with me growing up where she imparted some sort of girl power values on to me. She also is quite a dominant woman and was the true power in my parents’ marriage. Because of my naivety, it took me a long time to realize just how backwards she is on gender issues. I mean, there’s her conservative Christian values, but I always thought she had respect for women’s abilities. She was my role model as a little girl, competent and strong. So imagine my shock on becoming a teenager and actually listening to the shit that would come out of her mouth. Not just pushing anti-feminist garbage and rape culture, but acting like women are men’s natural inferiors.

Years ago we were listening to one of the family’s favorite bands, a husband and wife duo. A song came on and she went “this one isn’t very good, must have been written by the wife.” I sat there speechless and then went “what??” She replied “well women just aren’t as good at writing music, their minds aren’t equipped for it.” (She was wrong btw because both the husband and wife are credited on almost all their songs.)

When she came and visited recently, she spewed a lot of crazy right wing stuff, but the one that got under my skin the most was when she started ranting about how women’s economic freedom is a bad thing because it made labor less valuable. She also implied that it’s women’s duty to raise children at home. Mom. Please. First of all, the reason your childhood was marked by terrorism and horrific abuse is that your mother was financially dependent on your father. You told me that yourself when I was a little girl. Your father beat your mother, your siblings and you. He inflicted psychological torment on everyone around him, and he was a child rapist. Your mother was stuck under his thumb because she had no money. How can you believe all these lies about perfect god fearing American families when that was your childhood and your father was a preacher?

And she HATED being a stay-at-home mom. She pretends otherwise now but she used to fantasize openly about abandoning us, she complained that I ruined her body, she talked about how much more fun she had before she had kids, and how much she missed her career. Please tell me more about how a woman’s place is at home and not in the workforce.

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ramon-balaguer · 3 years

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As reflect on my recent prayer post from a married friend on the download or closeted homosexual or bisexual if you will… praying against his homosexual temptations and thoughts to be a true husband and father to their children…

I believe more needs to be discussed, revealed and taught on sexual sins. Not just for their benefit but for ours, as The Church to extend love, grace and mercy.

And though this is focused on same sex stuff like lesbians and homosexuals, it really can be applied to ANY sexual sin, even in the heterosexual sphere, so let’s dig in and see what God has to say, that unfortunately so many see as Hate talk or speech:

What Does the Bible Say about Homosexuality?

Few subjects are more controversial today in the church than this: What does the Bible say about homosexuality?

If one regards the Bible as God-breathed and authoritative, then one must respect whatever the Lord says about every topic.

What we say and think about the LGBT+ (#LHBTTABCDFIGMPPQZ) community should be derived from Scripture, including the ways in which we are to treat one another.

Bible Verses about Homosexuality

Christians must always start with the Bible in order to hear God’s Word on any subject. His commands are not optional, and he states clearly, “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination” (Leviticus 18:22).

Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error (Romans 1:26).

Some Christians suggest that a progressive God would overturn his own commands in a certain social climate, but God does not progress in his thinking; his thoughts and commandments are always right.

We know that God does not change his mind. That he is always the same; and this is foundational to our hope and our faith in his Kingdom purposes.

God was, is, and always will be against sexual sin in all of its forms, which include lust for a person who is not one’s spouse, sexual affairs, and even emotional affairs.

One must not single out someone who identifies as gay or transgender as a “sinner” but instead look inward. Ignoring one’s own sin by way of deflection does not fool God.

Modern Arguments about Etymology

There is an argument that Scripture does not contain the word “homosexuality” and that God is not opposed to men or women having sex with consenting members of the same sex. The word “zakar” in Hebrew can refer to any male, including human and animal, but also to boys.

But Strong’s concordance indicates that “zakar,” as used in Leviticus 18:22 above, refers to sodomy, a term not reserved for acts of child sexual abuse or rape but also consensual acts between adults.

“Arsenokoitai” is Greek for “men having sex with other men. And there is no real other interpretation that makes the best sense of the evidence both in the early Christian literature and especially in the Old Testament.”

Kevin DeYoung explains that Paul, a scholar and former Pharisee, coined the term. If Paul had been referring to men forcing boys to have sex, then he could have used the word “biazó” for “violent force” to denote a difference between consensual and non-consensual sex. He did not.

Positive Commands about Sex

Sex is a gift. “Before the fall — before sin — sex was part of the created order. It was good — VERY GOOD,” wrote Paul Carter. “In fact, contrary to cultural ideas about sex propounded during the first century AD, “Christianity taught that sex within a marriage should be free, generous and reciprocal.”

But God never depicted coital relationships between two men or two women in a positive way. When God made Eve, Adam said “this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman” (Genesis 23).

Marriage is represented frequently in Scripture. We have the examples of Abraham and Sarah, Isaac, and Rebekah, Ruth and Boaz; Mary and Joseph; and several more. None of these couples was perfect, but each is an example of heterosexual marriage.

Jesus' Relationships

When it comes to how society treats individuals who engage in homosexual relationships, Jesus’ attitude is the benchmark. The gospels illustrate how Jesus wants us to treat a person who has been marginalized by society on the basis of gender by highlighting several encounters Jesus had with women.

He called out their sin but offered something better. He allowed Mary Magdalene to serve him by washing his feet with her hair. The Messiah saved an adulterous woman from stoning. The Samaritan woman depicted in John 4 had been married five times and was with a sixth man.

He sat and talked with her when the rest of her community shunned the woman. Each of these women was guilty, but so were the Pharisees and other members of society who scorned or condemned them, and the men who used them.

Instead of judging these women, Jesus invited them to be part of his mission. The Samaritan woman was one of his first apostles. Mary was among his devoted followers.

Jesus gave these women a new identity so that they could freely choose to follow him, relieved of shame, and make him the focus of their lives. Everyone needs God’s mercy, but 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 is often taken out of context so that the emphasis lands on homosexuality.

This narrow-mindedness overlooks thievery, greed, drunkenness, abuse, and fraud which are also listed. Paul does not exclude anyone, even classifying himself as the chief of sinners. (1 Timothy 1:15)

Intimacy, Identity, and Culture

You may have heard of the famous South Carolinian Gospel singer, actor and Minister of the Gospel Donald “Donnie” Andrew McClurkin, Jr. I greatly admire him for his many gifts and talent, but especially his complete uncompromised commitment to our God despite his struggle with his sinful fleshly and worldly desires of homosexuality that started with being sexually abused by two uncles and ended being ostracized and blacklisted by Barack Hussein Obama for his opposing views on Same-Sex Marriage… Likewise Sam Allberry, a same-sex pastor from England, confronts the pain of being alone, even by choice, on the grounds of obedience to God. Celibacy is made more difficult by the elevation of marital intimacy to a lofty position above all other forms, including friendship.

Allberry’s fear is that “if someone’s only choice in life seems to be either unbiblical intimacy or no intimacy, they’re going to end up choosing unbiblical intimacy. And if that’s the case, I think the wider church shares responsibility for that.”

As Allberry asserts, people within the LGBT+ (#LHBTTABCDFIGMPPQZ) and the entire #SinSickSocialistLyingLeftistLiberal community are being denied access to this kind of intimacy, so even those who are keen to follow God’s commands and to please Him by their faithful obedience are drawn to other sources for belonging and acceptance.

Jesus never taught his disciples to deny friendship and familial love to anyone. “Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:50).

He also promoted mutually uplifting, godly friendship. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). The word friend, philos in the Greek, means “beloved” or “dear.” “I have called you friends,” Jesus said to his disciples (John 15:15).

Not everyone accepts forgiveness through Jesus; but he offers dignity, love, and truth to everyone. When a Gospel-Believing person highlights Sin in a person’s life, the purpose should always be to point that person to Jesus and His Saving grace and mercies.

Admitting and repenting of Sin, turning to Christ for Salvation, restores a person to peace and wholeness with God. Many so-called Christians, however, point fingers and exalt themselves by knocking down anyone whose lifestyle does not line up with their own.

A Merciful Love

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2).

A big problem in the church right now is the attitude that because someone identifies as homosexual, lesbian (or gay as they now prefer to be called), transgender, pedophile, etc., that they should not be welcomed into the church.

This is wrong for a few reasons:

1. We are all sinners. To suggest otherwise is to ignore the plank sticking out of one’s eye while examining the speck in someone else’s (Matthew 7:3-5).

2. We are commanded not to judge others. If we treat other people as though they are not as valuable to God as we are, then we risk incurring his judgment on ourselves (Matthew 7:1-2).

3. Jesus hung out with everyone. He ate with sinners. That’s why the Pharisees were so scandalized. He offered the gift of his presence and the offer of salvation without prejudice.

4. Jesus says, “Come to me all you who are weary.” This is not an invitation to particular individuals who qualify on the basis of their behavior or lifestyle but to anyone who is tired (Matthew 11:28).

Given the obstacles and even dangers the LGBQT+ community faces, added to the ordinary strains of life in general, one might imagine they are very weary, indeed.

What’s Next for the Church

Everyone was made in God’s image, but not all people embrace Christ’s message of Hope, Peace, Love, Holiness, Grace, Mercy, and Justice.

One reason for this is religious arrogance (Not much has changed in over 2,000 years, sadly) — Christians who act as though they are in a position to condemn or pardon.

But if churches shut their doors to those who defy God’s commands about sexual intimacy, the doors would be shut to everyone. The duty and privilege of Christ’s disciples are to offer all who will listen to the message of salvation and the promise of a love greater than anything.

His Love and Justice go together, but all who call on Christ’s name for Salvation are covered by His Blood. Believe it or not, that includes same-sex folks and all the rest… Each of us is a work in progress.

We can teach His inerrant Word but must always do so without judging or persecuting anyone, and with love and kindness.

If churches shut their doors to those who defy God’s commands about sexual intimacy, the doors would be shut to everyone. The smokers and drunkards, the liars and gossipers, the thieves and robbers, the cheaters and beaters…

The duty and privilege of Christ’s disciples are to offer all who will listen to the message of Salvation, Restoration and the promise of a love greater than anything.

I have way too many friends and family who’ve dibbled and dabbled or live out any of these lifestyles the same way others do with alcohol, marijuana, porn or other addictive drugs… but I Love them all and would support and do anything for them that I’d do for anyone else within the Word of God. :) #REBTD

My God and Father, how great is Your Love and Mercy… Thank You for Saving me from me and my poor choices in this life. Thank You for Saving my wife, sons and Godsons and so many family and friends from the Devil’s deceptions that lead to addictive behaviors. My Lord, bless and increase their Faith and Hope in You to continually walk with You that they won’t lose the precious Gift of Salvation from when they first Believed. Last but not least, let the lost find You and takeaway any thought or desire to sin and come to You with a repentant heart to give themselves to You. In Jesus’ Saving name, Amen.

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werevulvi · 3 years

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I don't think I've ever made an in depth post here about where my views really lie, in terms of not just gender identity/trans stuff, but gender and sex as a whole in society. Where my radfem views basically kinda mesh with MRA views. Because it's kinda difficult to put into words. But I want to try. So that you all will know who it is you're actually following. So, I wanna start off with a disclaimer that I will be using certain words and terminology that might make you frown, but please try to see those words as loose descriptions rather than as fixed labels.

I still think that radfem is what lies closest to what my views can be labeled as, if any label at all, as I agree with majority of it. However, there is an MRA twist to them. So to start off... I dunno where to start, but... patriarchy? Yes, how about that! Then let's just ramble on from there. Do I think there is a patriarchy? Yes, I do. I think what's generally called "male socialisation" is inherently destructive to women as a class, and that "female socialisation" is also inherently destructive to women. It raises men above women which takes away our agency and much of our freedom. It exploits us sexually and makes us not only get the short stick biologically but also socially. This is what I generally view as patriarchy. A world of men dominating and controlling women, a rape culture, if you may.

However, what I see, that I don't think most radfems even acknowledge, let alone agree with, is that this patriarchal system is almost as bad for men as it is for women. It assumes men as inherently awful with no chance of redemption, perpetuating basically what's called "original sin" - yet men are taught that they're disposable, only useful if they make a ton of money and sacrifice themselves and their livelihood for women and children. That is an immense burden, and this is where my MRA views come in. I view the world of men and women kinda like this: Imagine an inner circle and an outer circle. In the inner circle are women, protected yet exploited by men, objectified and hold to lesser value, as housewifes, sex objects and baby-making machines, yet don't have as high expectations to contribute in the world. They don't have to go to war, or work themselves to an early grave, they don't have to sacrifice their lives for the opposite sex. But they do have to sacrifice their freedom and their bodies, for men and for reproduction. This is a heavy burden for women to bear.

And in the outer circle are men, having more freedom, yet higher expectations to contribute in the world, as money-makers, disposable soldiers, etc. They are expected to keep the world running and never complain. They are equally as useless unless they perform their reproductive role too, and as disposable slave workers. They are less likely to face sexual and emotional abuse, but are far more likely to face virtually every other kinda abuse. They have tried to fight this injustice, like women have fought against theirs, for as long and as relentlessly, but there is less empathy for men. There always has been. Their struggle is not taken as seriously, because it is less visible. They appear to have it all, but they really don't, and those who do, fought through hell to achieve that.

Men have a biological and social advantage, yes... but for a very heavy price. A price which I don't see many women particularly willing to pay, for those advantages. A MGTOW on youtube once explained that "inner vs outer circle" thing, and... it changed my world view. Since that point I've been on and off between feminism and MRA, because deep down I know he was right. Both MRA's and feminists are right, and that's probably why they cannot work together, nor fold for the other. Nor should they! Maintaining these ideologies as opposites, as enemies, is causing far more problems than either of them are solving, I think.

On a personal note... I am willing to pay that price, for getting the opportunities that men have. Since my transition, I have been made gravely aware of that price that men pay to be successful and considered valuable. Men are NOT seen as more valuable than women. They gain value by working their asses off and making huge sacrifices along that way. If they don't... they're useless neckbeards, "beta males" or homeless with nothing at all. Women also have to put work in and make huge sacrifices to be seen as valuable. Namely, they have to sacrifice their autonomy and their dreams to be caregivers and mothers. That's a heavy price too, but women can't ever become as useless and without value as men can. Albeit horrific, women have intrinsic value in our reproductive ability, but men (according to patriarchy/society) do not have any intrinsic value. They HAVE TO work for their value.

Having said that... I no longer give a shit who has it worse, men or women.

Both suffer under this horribly dehumanising system, which is patriarchal, yes, but it's more so heteronormative. Because it all comes down to our crap biology. Because here's the thing and you may not like reading this, because this where I think MRA's are especially right, which is where I’ll probably lose most feminists: Males are biologically driven to reproduce fast and effectively. They make a ton of sperm and if they don't try to knock up as many females as possible, their genes will get lost and they'll have no family to raise. Their biological value as individuals is dependent on this. Their biological role is miniscule when it comes to breeding, so they try to make up for it by being financial providers and offering protection to females whom are physically weaker and more susceptible to harm.

Females are biologically driven to be selective with their reproduction, because if they're not, they'll go through traumatic pregnancy and childbirth for basically nothing. Females really need to make sure they pick the best genes, and their biological value is dependent on this. Which creates a huge clash between male and female goals, a constant battle hunt of prey vs predator. And that is what creates a rape culture, of males aggressively hunting females for their vaginas, and females desperately protecting their vaginas from useless genetics, bodily harms and getting pregnant too much for their bodies to handle.

This is not just about humans, hence why I wrote males and females, but practically all mammal species. What happens with humans is that we've evolved a little from our primal instincts and intellectualise our existence, and what's the meaning of life. But we still have our biological instincts, and this is what led us to create more complex societies than other mammals do, but these societies are still very similar to most other mammals' equally patriarchal, heteronormative, systems of gender roles. Men did not create this. Nature did. Beautiful, flawless, wonderous... mother nature, damned us all. Patriarchy is not a coincidence, nor a human creation at all. Our societies may be social constructs, but they are based on our reproductive instincts, which have been with us since long before we even became homo sapien.

I get angry when I write/think about all that. Not because "you're all dumb to not get this" or anything like that, but because this hierarchy seen in almost all mammals, including humans... is unavoidable and cannot be fixed. It's an unfortunate outcome of how sexually dimorphic species are biologically built to breed and continue their species. And that is what makes it so upsetting, so aggrevating, so insidious. Because no matter how much feminism, men's rights movements, LGBT communities, humanitarians, socialists and whatever the fuck it all... females will always be at a biological disadvantage, and males will always be at an biological advantage. We can't fix that. Which means, we can't fix patriarchy. Then why even bother? Why try to fight for female liberation, if patriarchy and rape cultures are unavoidable and unfixable? That's what comes down to morals, values, what we want and wish and dream. That matters, it always will, no matter the outcome! I think the world can still be made better than how it is today, especially in third world countries, and that male aggression can be better controlled. I think more choices can be opened up, for both sexes, and that the gender roles can be made less restrictive. And I think that's worth fighting for, even if it's a far cry from feminism's ultimate goal. But I need to also stay realistic and have a plan B, which is to figure out how to thrive, as an individual woman, in this patriarchal rape culture.

And my way of doing so is to try my best to live mostly as a man, taking all the shit men get, for the price of climbing higher up the ladder and avoiding (some of) the disadvantages of being recognisably female - but still take on the female roles that I want for myself, such as motherhood, and take the risks that come with that too. I don't have everything figured out yet, and I don't know what kinda relationship I want yet. But I'm starting to think that maaaybe I would benefit more from taking advantage of the straight privilege I have with my bisexuality, a more pragmatic approach... and get myself a decent househusband, for more convenient breeding. I would like to date another woman again, don't get me wrong, but that feels a bit unfit for my goals, unfortunately. I don’t wanna make hard shit even harder for myself, when it can be avoided.

Love... isn't my main driving factor in relationships anymore. Although I'm gonna need to think it through VERY properly, if I really think that setting love aside for a more practical partner arrangement, is actually a good idea. Regardless, however, I do have attraction to men, but even straight women can marry for practicality and end up miserable and abused because of it. So it has nothing much to do with sexual orientation on that point, but it does in the sense that homosexual marriage can't really be made for practicality. Marrying for practicality is an extremely heteronormative move to make, and one that has been used against homosexuality for centuries, to force gay people into straight marriage. This makes me... extremely uncomfortable and angry, on behalf of all gay people out there, of course.

Yet... I am intrigued by the idea for myself only, as I see the option of marriage from more angles than I used to. I still think marriage should of course be for love as well, and I would never want to choose for others why or whom they should marry, or not marry. That whole dream I have might also be taking on a way too heavy burden and responsibility on my already crumbling shoulders, to aim at being both the provider and a mother, but I want both those things, so it might be worth it. And with that said, having a useful, good, respectful and resourceful husband might be more important to me personally, than any cute frumpy lump of a dude that I just so happen to fall in love with. (But I also wanna point out that my goals and dreams have been switching a lot lately, so please take this sudden, baffling idea of mine with a grain of salt. I'm gonna focus on getting my own ass together first, before I even consider handing it over to someone else again, and I have a lot to work on.) However, say if I'll end up going that route, that is me basically playing into the hands of patriarchy, for the price of getting the best life I can give myself in a broken world which cannot be fixed. I'm not saying my goals are in any way somehow universally favourable. You do you, I do me.

But at the same time I also wanna be inspirational, especially for other women, but in general too. I'll prove to the lot of you that despite being considered a "hopeless case" irrevokably mentally disabled, I'll goddamn make myself into a money-making baby-maker AND a goddamn awesome one at that. I won't give up on my dreams of having a job, financial and emotional stability, and a child. I also won't "correct" myself to fit into the beauty norms of women. I will continue to refuse getting fake tits, laser hair removal, feminising voice training, feminine clothing, makeup, etc. I'm slowly accepting, embracing and coming to terms with being a manly, masculine or even transmasculine, proud woman. And you wanna know why it matters to feminism? Because if I can be a woman, looking like this, living like this... then ALL other gnc females can too. Because not to brag or anything, but I don't think anyone else has taken being gnc quite as far as me before. Almost everywhere I go, I am considered "too masculine" to even be a woman, despite being female, which is a problem that to varying degress affects all gnc females, but I will work hard to change that. And if I succeed to... I'll be paving one fuck of a path for all gnc women after me. You're welcome, sisters.

Furthermore, regardless of my own heterocentric breeding fantasies and whether I make them real or not, I will absolutely continue to stand up and fight for gay, and especially lesbian, rights. No one should be forced, coerced or otherwise shoved into heterosexual stuff against their will, including "girldicks" and "boypussies" - and yes, I will die on that hill. I listen, I hear you, and I will help you spread your word. To wrap it up: So I do CARE about feminism, and trying to make the world a better place by trying to reduce the harm and being a good example in some ways, and I take a very similar approach as radical feminists. I just have a bit of an MRA leaning to my view on patriarchy, which does NOT make that patriarchy any more favourable. I also have a heck of a lot more pessimism about the future prospects of humanity's... own goddamn demise. I'm a nihilist at heart, what can I say? I may love women more... but I don't hate men. No matter how badly many of them have hurt me. No matter how much my c-ptsd makes me fear them. I wanna work with men for a better world that should benefit all of us, not work against them. Yes, I will sleep with the enemy... both figuratively and literally.

#my views #on feminism and such #this may surprise you #it may also be triggering #but dont worry i hate the world too #radical feminism #mens rights #life goals #realism and pessimism #long post #detrans woman

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222258-ihiwehi · 5 years

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A third of NZ university students are sexually assaulted, a study suggests

Stuff Article

The moment Tess laid eyes on Victoria University, she knew she was looking at her future.

"I was so excited," she says, now. "I'd visited with my mum for the open day, I saw the law building and thought I just wanted to study there, it just called to me. I was also terrified – my whole family dropped me off, and my mum cried the whole way home.

"I was so ready to be like an adult, and live a new life in Wellington."

Her stomach a tangle of nervous knots, Tess worried about her classes, and making friends.

She didn't envisage the incident a few months later, when a young man would attempt to rape her at her university hostel, Weir House.

She didn't consider the self-blame and doubt that would creep in whenever she thought about the sexual assault.

And, really, something like that? To be honest, she just didn't think it would happen to her.

For the thousands of high school students who pack their bags for tertiary study each year, and their parents, sexual violence is unlikely to be top of mind. But new research suggests it should be.

Preliminary results from the biggest New Zealand study into the prevalence of sexual victimisation at university suggests one in three students will be sexually assaulted while they are studying.

The perpetrator will most likely be a young male student, who will assault his victim while they are drunk, asleep, or otherwise incapacitated.

The research involved 2700 students at a New Zealand university, who were asked if they had a non-consensual sexual experience. The survey was sent to all students at the university and participants chose to be involved.

More than a third, or 36 per cent of total respondents, said they had experienced some form of sexual assault, from being groped or made to remove clothes, perform oral sex, or forced digital, anal, or vaginal penetration. Broken down by gender, 41 per cent of women reported assault, and 22 per cent of men.

When it came to assailants, 88 per cent of reported perpetrators were men and 17 per cent women. (Students sometimes reported more than one incident.) Two-thirds of participants were assaulted by students from the same university.

Otago University PhD student Kayla Stewart used the academic Sexual Experiences Survey tool to assess the students, collating the data alongside dozens of one-on-one interviews. She says the results show sexual assault is a widespread issue universities have an obligation to tackle.

The most widely-used statistics in the United States suggest one in five university women are sexually assaulted. Stewart's research suggests that in New Zealand, the chance of a woman being forced into a sex act at university is more than one in three.

Prevalence studies must be interpreted cautiously, and results can not always be generalised. But they provide valuable insights into the commonality of assault, including intoxication and the nature of perpetrators.

"There needs to be acknowledgment that this is an issue, because for too long it's been hidden or universities have failed to acknowledge it," Stewart says.

"I really want to bring attention to what perpetrators are doing, and shift the focus to their actions. The most commonly used tactic is altered consciousness, through alcohol or drugs or sleep. Perpetrators sexually assaulted one in four people this way, taking advantage when they were drunk or out of it."

The fact so many assailants also attended university showed it was a community problem. "There's such a culture of entitlement, and we have to tackle that. On the one hand it is a societal problem, but it's also a university problem."

'IT WAS JUST PAR FOR THE COURSE, I GUESS'

Tess used to tell this like a joke.

It was first year, and Tess and her friend were out at a bar. They started chatting to a guy who began to get "uncomfortably grabby," before Tess decided she wanted to leave.

The friend brought the man back to their university hostel. Both women were drunk. Tess left her friend's dorm room, but not before giving her a lifeline.

"I told her I was going to bed but I would leave the door open for her if she wanted to come and stay in my room."

Instead, the man later entered Tess's room. "I was asleep at that point and he came and got into my bed and was like, insistent. I kept on falling asleep and waking back up and trying to say no. I was trying to say 'no, you don't have a condom,' just trying to justify the no, I guess. I just didn't know what to do."

Tess eventually got the man to leave, telling him she had an early lecture.

She didn't report the attempted rape, out of fear people would find out it was her. She felt ashamed, like she might be labelled a slut. Around the same time, she said another friend did report a sexual assault to hall management and was dismissed and told to "get over it."

(Victoria University say all halls of residence staff are now trained in how to respond to disclosures of sexually harmful behaviours, taking a confidential, survivor-led approach. This includes access to counselling and support to make formal complaints.)

It also didn't seem too out of the ordinary. "It was just par for the course I guess, and that sounds horrible, but I knew other girls in halls who had very similar experiences. It seems to be something that happens in that part of girl's lives."

It was only last year, when conversations about sexual violence were brought to the forefront with Me Too movement – and locally, with the sexual misconduct exposed at the Russell McVeagh law firm – that Tess realised what happened to her was not funny.

"Now it just makes me really sad. It was so horrible. Alcohol is such a huge part of first year culture, it's how you bond. I feel like a lot of guys – and girls – aren't taught what healthy sex is meant to be like. No-one has a frame of reference.

"You're taking a bunch of kids that maybe haven't had sex or the freedom to have it as frequently and they just don't know what good sex looks like, how to communicate and how to read someone else's communication."

Tess has never told her parents. "I think for my dad in particular it would torture him to think about. I could tell my family, but you don't really want to open things up because there was nothing they could have done.

"By the time I was ready to acknowledge it and talk, I had a support network of friends."

Other young women spoken to by Stuff who were victims of sexual assault at university struggled with self-blame, and had often tried to internally dismiss or downplay the event so they could continue with their lives and studies.

One woman, who was raped while a student at an Auckland University, only felt strong enough to lay a complaint with police years later. It is currently being investigated.

Others do complain, but hit brick walls. A PhD student at a North Island university told Stuff she has reported a sexual assault by a fellow student to police. It was so violent she had to be hospitalised.

She told the university, who she says told her they can do nothing until he is charged. In the meantime, she is not attending university for fear of seeing him on campus. He still goes to class every day.

A Stuff investigation in 2018 found dozens of alleged sexual misconduct complaints recorded by staff at university halls of residence nationwide in the past two years – only a handful of which were reported to police.

And in April, Otago's Knox College faced questions about its cultureafter several sexual assault, rape and harassment claims between 2011 and 2017 were revealed in student magazine Critic.

WHAT IS BEING DONE?

There are no nationwide guidelines or legislation around sexual misconduct protocol.

Universities New Zealand, the umbrella body, says it has established a working group into sexual violence, which involves representatives from all universities and two students.

In the meantime, students are mobilising to put pressure on university management to act. New Zealand University Students' Association rape prevention campaign Thursdays in Black, mired in a sexual harassment scandal of its own in mid-2018, has been re-established and is pushing for comprehensive misconduct policies.

It conducted a nationwide survey on sexual violence in 2017, with more than half of respondents saying they had experienced some form of it.

At Otago University, Students Against Sexual Violence has been leading this drive. Co-president Niall Campbell, 23, says Stewart's research does not come as a shock. "All of our members know multiple people who have been effected by sexual violence. There's no doubt in our minds it's an issue.

"It's an unfortunate combination of students who are actually quite young, and who have been inadequately educated around sex and sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, we are not the progressive nation we'd like ourselves to be."

A 2018 Education Review Office report found sex education has not improved in a decade, with a lack of education around consent, pornography and sexual violence.

This isn't helped by a culture of chauvinism, hyper-masculity and sexual conquest, particularly in first year, Campbell says.

Stuff asked all universities if they considered sexual violence prevention a university responsibility, and to advise on initiatives. Most pointed to their student code of conduct and discipline regulations. None would provide details of how much was spent annually.

When it came to specific action, Waikato University said it has appointed a violence prevention coordinator this year and begun providing training on sexual violence and healthy relationships for hall staff and students.

Auckland University said students are given information on family violence at orientation and have access to "comprehensive online material."

Auckland University of Technology ran an online preventing bullying and harassment programme and had launched a course, Consent Matters, at the cost of $16,000.

Massey University said its hall staff members were given training on victimisation, and it had a sexual assault pastoral care team.

Victoria University was developing a standalone sexual violence prevention policy, had a Sexual Harm Prevention working group, had appointed a new sexual harm counsellor and was increasing training for staff on dealing with disclosures.

The University of Canterbury said it had set up an End Sexual Violence Now working group, and gave new students an induction that included sexual violence awareness. Complaints could be made through online anonymous tool Report It.

Otago University opened Te Whare Tāwharau, a sexual violence support centre, last year. A sexual misconduct policy has been completed and a sexual misconduct action response team set up to oversee processes and investigations.

This is promising, Campbell says, but it's easy to point to documents. His group wants outcomes.

"Until very recently, almost nothing was done about the issue. And it's still early days - whether these policies end up being substantial and actually work is the question."

And others think action needs to be nationwide, rather left to each university. In the United States, Title IX is a federal law which makes universities accountable for disciplining perpetrators and supporting victims. There is no such legal requirement in New Zealand.

Lily Kay Ross is a sexual violence researcher and workplace consultant on sexual harassment procedures, and was a consultant on Otago's policy.

She is advocating for the establishment of an independent body to conduct investigations. It should be neutral, and have staff trained in the dynamics of sexual violence. Data and outcomes should be publicly reported.

"This is how universities can achieve accountability to the public and rebuild trust," Kay Ross says. "It signals that the cases we already know are happening are being responded to appropriately."

Victoria University student president Tamatha Paul says nationwide standards – enforceable by law if necessary – would be welcome. "Yes, it's awesome universities are starting to get these policies, but what about polytechs and other training establishments? What about what goes on at halls of residence?

"There needs to be a consistent policy covering every space that a student occupies."

WALKING THE TALK

On a leafy Friday at Auckland University, students stream through the campus. It's almost the weekend, and there are parties to organise, gigs to attend.

Life goes on. And, instead of waiting for change from above, many are working to initiate it themselves.

Students Gabriella Brayne, 19, and Ollin Raynaud, 25, are co-ordinators and founders of the Consent Club, which aims to normalise consent culture.

The group train volunteers to become "consent guardians," teaching them techniques in non-confrontational bystander intervention. The guardians attend festivals and events, stepping in to diffuse situations where it looks like a "consent breach" could be occurring.

This might involve offering a drunk young woman help finding her friends, or dancing alongside someone who is being cornered on the dance floor to give them an out.

In their view, the problem isn't so much that young men don't know what consent is - it's that they think they can get away with it, Brayne says.

"In the moment they still go ahead with the assault because there's a situation that can be exploited."

Having active bystanders who will intervene reinforces the idea that you can't get away with these acts. "We're like their sober mates, who will step in.

"We just want people to feel safe."

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