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#wait i'm crying even more i remember again HAHA fuck wait listening to dynamis rn is making me even more emotional
noxtivagus
·
2 years
Text
I LOVE FINAL FANTASY SO MUCH
#🌙.rambles
#coping mechanism!!!! all left i have to do for school this week is just smth easy for math :] then after that it's the weekend n all
#i will use fiction ! as an escape ! wooooo . my thoughts are suffocating. n i am so goddamn tired c:
#fuck i am so tired of being trapped in my mind n being bind down by my past n everything. just everything
#wait i feel like crying why is dynamis playing god i love ff sm.... i am actually crying rn it saved me. it really saved me back then. n no
#i am such a goddamn slave to sentiment. to nostalgia. to memories n the past n everything i have lived through. it all means sm to me n
#that's one reason why it hurts. i love it all so much but it's so fleeting it hurts.... oh this is bad i am actually crying a lot right now
#how do i carry it all? how do i remember it all? i can't die i can't forget i can't deny all these bcs as much as it hurts
#it reminds me that i'm alive yk? these memories these words serve as proof that. in the past. once upon a time it really was real
#n the concept of reality is something i'm so weak to bcs it feels so lonely in my inner worlds
#oh despite all this pain i'm still soft at heart huh. i'm crying so much.
#so much thoughts i have. that i don't know how to write. but i try so much to share what i can despite how afraid i often get
#when you live a life i have. in these worlds i have. in my head. it's so lonely. it's so so lonely
#n. god ffxiv makes me so vulnerable in a way that. fiction is something that's. i really grew up with it being
#sometimes even stronger or more present than my own reality
#i've always loved the stars too. the moon. celestial beings. everything i've read in those books; whether it be fiction or non-fiction
#but always. always something far from my reach. so to have something so real to be a part of
#wait i'm crying even more i remember again HAHA fuck wait listening to dynamis rn is making me even more emotional
#hermes as a character. i feel like he felt like he didn't belong. he wanted answers. to be understood. to understand.
#n we're so similar in that regard. n i'm so weak to those sort of similarities yk? it means sm to me when i've always felt so different
#ffxiv here is. it's fiction. so i can freely lose myself here. fly as high as i can without fear of. idk. maybe the
#vulnerability n ephemerality of reality...? it's so beautiful. it really is n i wonder if i ever really belong there
#sob i realize. there. i've been so accustomed to always reaching out futiley to something i can't have. does not exist. or yeah
#reaching out to a past i cannot relive. just to remember again how it was exactly in those moments. or a future i'm uncertain of
#or the present. which i'm not ever quite sure about what exactly it is. or what's going on. or myself.
#understanding. understanding.... until i understand all i can of this world n finally accept that i too am living n real. i won't give up.
#there's so much to life that will forever be left undone. i'll do as much as i can. so i can hold unto my humanity. unto reality. im crying
#i did not expect to cry so much tonight;;; but maybe i still underestimate the pain i carry. i deserve too the kindness that i give others
#because i'm human too. i'm young. n i know what that means to me. sm thoughts sm words it hurts sm im crying. but fuck that i'm still alive
#i'm so confused i'm so lost. on what really is my reality. on who i am. god it's so overwhelming i don't know where to start it hurts .
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