#whatever - anybody bothering to read this just know i wish you warmth happiness and joy however they may come to you

[frustratedpoetwrites]

Breathless

Fem!jily February.

I think it was @blitheringmcgonagall who gave me the prompt. “What are your intentions towards my friend?” And as this week is Hogwarts and canon-verse it is now time for me to share this with you all.

read on AO3 where my love of italics can be properly appreciated.

When Jamie ran in from the cold outside—her face shining brightly from the joy of running with her friends—she spotted Lily straight away. There weren’t many redheads in Gryffindor, and none with quite the same shade of hair as her. It always drew Jamie’s attention, like a flickering candle seen out of the corner of your eye. Without waiting to see what her friends were about to do, she kicked off her shoes and shucked out of her cloak before joining Lily on the window seat, taking full advantage of the chance to catch her alone. Sitting down, she noticed absently the view below this window was where she had been playing with the boys just moments earlier.   

“Alright, Evans?” she greeted warmly, tucking her toes under the blanket and hoping that Lily wouldn’t call her out for intruding on her space, wishing this new not-quite-sure-what-they-were thing meant she could join her without asking. To Jamie’s surprise, Lily moved to rest her very warm feet on top of her own chilled ones without a word. This sudden warmth made her realise just how cold the rest of her was, causing goosebumps to erupt on her arms. She had no idea what they spoke about, she was trying so hard not to obsess about the way Lily’s feet were so much neater than hers, how they were resting gently on top without pressing down, and how this unexpected closeness was making her heart thunder in her eardrums.

Lily had asked her a question, she was certain. Some part of Jamie’s brain that was not overwhelmed by Lily Evans perfect toes came up with an answer. Just when she thought this moment couldn’t get any better, or worse depending on how one felt about the imminent chance of self combustion. Lily reached for her hands, capturing them in hers, delicate fingers cupping her much more ungainly digits, pulling them to her face almost in slow motion, Jamie gulped and hoped to Merlin she wasn’t looking as panicked as she was feeling. Lily’s breath on her numb fingers warmed her insides and made her abdomen do a funny little swoop. She swallowed hard. This was fine, she was fine! Lily was just looking out for her. This was what girl friends did right? When she did it again, Lily’s eyes locked with her own, the tiniest hint of a smirk on her soft lips no doubt picking up on the rapid pulse hammering against Lily’s fingertips, she realised she just couldn’t handle it at all and she bolted.

 As soon as she left the window seat and Lily’s touch she felt rather foolish for panicking, but it had seemed the safest thing to do at that moment. Going on instinct had not always served her well when it came to her red headed roommate so the more time she spent around her the more she held herself back from doing something rash. She had rushed away from Lily when the urge to kiss her had become so strong she had not known what to do with herself. She’d lied, saying that she needed to get her wand from the dorm room when it was safely stowed in the pocket of her cloak lying at her feet. She didn’t even go near the girl’s stairs like she said she was, instead she rushed straight up to the boy’s dorm, where she felt most comfortable being herself. They were all there... warm, clean, dry and not in a complete Lily related crisis. Free from frozen fingers and a heart beating out of their chests like she was.

She slumped onto Sirius’ bed throwing an arm over her eyes, yelling out in frustration, as the adrenaline of the situation finally started to eb. 

“Remus, I can’t be too sure but I think something is bothering our dear friend?” Sirius’ voice carried over to her from his place by the log burner that was crackling merrily in the centre of their room. She sat up and looked at him pleadingly.

“I can’t handle this, that woman is torturing me on purpose. You should have seen her just now!” She pointed to the door to emphasise her point, but nobody was looking at her. 

“I find that hard to believe,” Remus retorted emerging from his trunk with a pair of socks in his hand. “If you are talking about who I think you are?”

“Of course I bloody am, nobody else is out to get me like she is,” she whined, falling back on the bed once more and looking at the ceiling through a suspiciously large hole in the drapes above. Jamie smirked at it despite the way she was feeling, remembering the day that had happened.

“Who’s she talking about?” Pete asked. “Whatever their problem is I’m sure we can sort them out. You always come up with something, Prongs.”

“Thanks for your confidence in me Pete, but I really don’t think my skills for managing mischief are going to help me out here. Even if they could, I just turn into a babbling idiot around her. I just can’t handle it, what am I supposed to do with these feelings? She can’t have any idea what she does to me, or if she does she enjoys watching me suffer.”

“Sirius, help our friend out,” Remus ordered, throwing the balled up socks at him. He turned and the sound of his name and caught them deftly in one hand, before throwing them at Peter who yelped in surprise, then giggled, before throwing them at Jamie who caught them easily, still prone on the bed.

“Alas, I fear poor Prongs is beyond any form of help, completely lost in the depths of those...how did you describe them earlier? Enchanting green eyes?”

“I know, I’m fucked!” Jamie yelled again as she looked at her fingers, still haunted by the touch of those dainty hands. The room went quiet for a time, Jamie didn’t see the silent exchange happening between Remus and Sirius as she spiralled in a dilemma of her own making. Somehow at some point, the fun banter and the sharp comments back and forth had softened, Lily had stopped storming off when she lost an argument, she had started going more thoughtful instead. Around the same time as this Jamie had noticed how many shades of green there could be in a person’s eyes, how Lily’s soft laugh was the most magical thing ever, made all the more special when it was Jamie herself who had caused it to happen. Jamie had never felt any kind of way about anybody before Lily, and she doubted she ever would again. The silence had gone on for far too long, Jamie watched Remus out of the corner of her eye as he was blatantly pointing to her.

“Why?” Sirius yelled out suddenly Jamie lifted her head to see Remus throw up his hands in exasperation. “She seems to be doing a perfectly good job of messing it up on her own, without my help. I mean what the fuck do I know? I don’t understand why she can’t just ask her straight out.” Jamie sat up hopefully an idea forming in her head as if she’d just been hit with a brain-boosting charm. She jumped off Sirius’ bed and hugged his shoulders, leaning against his back, he returned her affection half-heartedly patting her arms,  when she let go and spun him around holding him at arm's length grinning like an idiot, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why do I have the feeling you are going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do?”

*

Lily Evans was just sitting in a window seat reading her book occasionally being distracted by the goings-on of the group of people in the misty grounds below her. She didn’t mean to watch, but somehow lately her eyes were constantly drawn to those four, and one in particular. She bit her lip thoughtfully as she looked down on them, marvelling at the way they were all just so comfortable and happy together.

They were playing a game (they often were) to which nobody apart from them could ever understand. It seemed to involve a stick and a ball. A ball that was enchanted to move on its own and produced puffs of different coloured smoke whenever it was hit with the stick. Lily wondered if this was their interpretation of one of the Muggle sports they had asked her endless questions about. 

Eventually, they grew tired of their game and disappeared from her view and Lily went back to her book. 

“Alright, Evans?” a familiar voice called out before joining her on the window seat, sitting at the opposite side to her. They smelled strongly of the outside freshness, their face flushed from the cold, with droplets of water beading on the flyaways in their hair. She had already kicked off her shoes and removed her cloak, once sitting carelessly dumping it on the floor beside them. They swung their feet up to join hers in the no-man's-land between them. Toes wiggling themselves under the blanket that was covering her legs.

“Hi, Potter,” she replied, feeling the chill from her feet as they touched her leg. Without thinking she slid her socked feet over the top to try and warm them up a bit. Jamie watched her do it with a funny half-smile on her lips. “Did you have fun with the boys? Did you win your game?” She didn’t mean it to sound like she was talking to a child but sometimes she found herself just wanting to look after the raven-haired girl.

Jamie rubbed her hands together as she thought of a response, not noticing or not minding Lily’s tone, “Yeah, I had fun. You should’ve joined us, you would’ve liked it. I did win one game but the game’s never about winning, it’s about not losing.” She responded, continuing to rub her hands trying to get the heat back into them.

“Where’s your wand?” Lily asked when she saw Jamie still hadn’t performed her usual rapid warming and drying spells. Lily gestured for Jamie’s hands and she complied slowly as if she was expecting a trick.  Lily shuffled herself forward so she was leaning over her bent knees, and admired her friends hands, she had such nimble fingers, so adept at Quidditch and intricate transfiguration spells, large enough that she did not struggle to open jars in potions like Lily did. Smiling to herself she wrapped her hands around Jamie’s chilled fingers and blew on them gently. Lily could feel the other girl’s pulse quicken as the tips of her fingers rested on her wrist. She blew on her hands again this time a much longer and more deliberate breath, then looked up at Jamie through her eyelashes. Jamie swallowed hard, her glasses beginning to fog around the edges despite the anti misting charm she usually had on them. 

“I left it in my room, I better go get it and dry off my clothes,” and she grabbed her cloak and shoes and darted away from Lily towards the dorm rooms as if she was expecting McGonagall herself to swoop down and berate her for leaving her wet cloak on the common room floor. Lily leaned back against the wall and tried not to sigh. It was the same every time she tried to get close lately, Jamie would spook and run. 

“Oi, Evans?” came a strong male voice a while later, she turned her gaze slowly upon Sirius Black waiting for him to say more. “Can I have a word?”

“You can have several, Black,” she replied, arching an eyebrow trying to look stern. But her face cracked as he approached and she realised he wasn’t in the mood for their usual banter. She gestured to the empty space in her window seat and he joined her. Lounging with one leg off the edge as if he needed to make a quick escape, elbow resting on his bent knee. “So what’s up?” She asked expecting some homework question or a favour, but nothing was forthcoming. Sirius Black just sat there as if he wasn’t sure exactly what to say. 

“I’ve been thinking,” he eventually said.

“Don’t strain yourself,” she replied almost on instinct, she pressed her lips together in an apology when he looked at her flatly. 

“Something’s happening between you and my friend? — Don’t start denying it,” he added when she opened her mouth to speak. “You’ve both had doe-eyes for each other for ages. Have you two finally put aside whatever it was holding you back?”

“I don’t think I’m the person you should be having this chat with, Black.” She responded quietly not sure exactly herself what was going on so why should she need to share with him of all people? He didn’t know girls, didn’t seem to care much for them at all apart from one particular girl. Sirius didn’t take any notice of the simpering admirers who seemed to be constantly gazing at him, drawing sketches of him on their notebooks and giggling when he would flick his hair or announce to the whole common room something he thought was impressive. He was the perfect friend for someone like Jamie, another lost soul not sure of their place in this world. If she thought about it Lily was equally out of her place, having to find her own way as she went alone, separated from her muggle family. Even now after seven years at Hogwarts still occasionally uncertain of the most basic things wizard children grew up on. 

“I already know Jamie’s feelings about this. I want to know your intentions towards my friend?”

“My intentions?” She snorted, her battered copy of Sense and Sensibility still sitting beside her. “Are you her father or something because last I checked we weren’t living in a Jane Austin novel?” Sirius did not look too pleased by her response, she wondered if he even knew who Jane Austin was, if he didn’t he wasn’t likely to admit it. Instead of replying to her directly he crossed his arms and looked at her expectantly. “She’s amazing, okay? Is that what you wanted me to say? She is funny and kind to her friends, she doesn’t care about what others think of her. She is so confident.”

“All these things are true, but you still haven’t answered my question.” His arms were still crossed but his eyes had softened and there was a hint of a smile on the edge of his lips.

“Well every time I try to get close she runs away and I’m beginning to think she isn’t interested and is running away so she doesn’t hurt my feelings. I thought she liked me. I thought, maybe, she would want to be my girlfriend.  Now I think perhaps she was messing with me this whole time.” Sirius looked at her shrewdly.

“So you aren’t just playing games to get her to blush?”

“Why would I do that?”

“I have no idea, you don’t seem the type to do anything like that at all. I’ve been telling Jamie for weeks now she’s an idiot for thinking that way, but you see, she can’t think logically or objectively around you.”

“Oh,” Lily replied to this, touching her hand to her lip. “So she does want to be my girlfriend?”

“It sounds to me like you both need to have a proper chat and leave me out of this,” Sirius declared in a strange voice as if he wasn’t talking to Lily at all.

“Do you know where she went?” He stayed quiet for a time as if he was considering what to say to her, or he was listening to some sort of silent cue.

“She mentioned something about getting a hot drink from the kitchens,” she grinned at him as she stood up.

“You are a good man Sirius, I hope you know that. Jamie is lucky to have you as her friend.” He tried to shrug off her compliment but his pleased grin shone through.

“Don’t let everyone know that Evans, I have a reputation to upkeep.” Without thinking about it she kissed the top of his head and patted him on the shoulder before running off in the direction of the kitchens.

*

“She’s on her way, don’t fuck this up, Prongs.” Jamie smiled at Sirius before his image faded and she tucked the mirror back in her pocket and smoothed her hair nervously. Her heart was beating fast and she just wasn’t sure how to sit. She had managed to conjure up the convenient little bench on the way to the kitchens herself. It was a handy little spell to know. It had gotten her out of a few detentions because teachers found students sitting on benches reading, far less suspicious than students leaning on walls whistling. She sipped her tea again as she tried to settle the butterflies in her stomach, and cast a quick warming spell while she was waiting. She’d felt a little bad listening in to Lily and Sirius talking but it was her plan to tell Lily that she had done so at the right time. She heard the footsteps running in this direction and she looked up hopefully.

Lily came around the corner looking flushed. When she spotted Jamie her feet stopped and a smirk appeared on her face. 

“Why do I get the feeling that whole little conversation I just had with Sirius was set up by you? And you heard every word of it.” Jamie tried to keep her lopsided grin firmly on her face but she could feel her confidence at this moment wavering greatly, especially as Lily approached looking more determined than happy. Jamie gulped her reasons for doing what she had done trying to form on her lips, but her brain was not cooperating at this moment.

“Lily, I’m sorry I --” Her words were cut short abruptly by Lily holding her checks and tilting her face up to meet hers, she managed a moment to blink in shock before lips were being pressed against hers and she forgot about anything else but the feel of Lily’s hands holding her face, her hot breath as she smiled into those kisses, her giggle as Jamie reached out for her pulling her onto the bench. The tea set already taking up that space completely forgotten until the sound of it crashing on the floor made them leap apart as if it had scalded them.

“Are you okay? Sorry I should have moved it before I made you sit, you caught me off guard and I forgot it was there.” Jamie asked her breathless and panting slightly. Being close to Lily Evans always did strange things to her but now being this close, to actually having Lily’s hands in her hair. Being surrounded by the fresh apple scent of her shampoo, these feelings were erupting stronger and deeper and more intense than ever. They both looked down at the teapot now lying in a smashed mess on the stone floor and laughed at it. 

“It didn’t hurt me,” Lily replied softly, sounding like she had run further than the short corridor. Jamie didn’t know when they had started holding hands but she noticed their interlaced fingers and smiled, not quite believing this was actually happening. Lily’s hands had always looked so delicate, so feminine, compared to her own too big, too blunt, calloused hands.

“Are you sure? I’m sorry I should go get some more.” Lily stayed silent as she repaired the china and effortlessly floated it over to sit on the silver tray. 

“Jamie, I’m fine and I really don’t care about the tea.” She took a breath and looked up at her with a light in her eyes as a small smile appeared. “I care about you. Now can we go somewhere less public than this corridor? I want to…” She bit her lip before she went on, making Jamie momentarily forget her own name, “continue this chat somewhere more private.” Lily stood still holding onto her hand and pulled her up to join her. She grabbed her other hand, lifted the palm of it up to her face and pressed her lips to it so gently. Jamie was finding it hard to breathe again. Jamie watched her lips hungrily desperately wanting to capture them with her own once more, to make Lily as breathless as she was making her.

#jily #fem!jily #fem!james #jamie potter #Lily Evans #blackevans brotp #friendship #remus lupin #Sirius Black #peter pettigrew #jily fanfic #fem!jily february