#which is something i must fix

[dennisboobs]

talking to macdennis shippers makes me realize how much more i enjoy charden lmfao

#i love early seasons macden a lot but i think they sort of. fucked mcdn beyond repair in a lot of ways #where they Need to derail the show and do some genuine repairs #if theyd stayed the way they were in s5 itd be like oh yeah nbd theyre fucking lol #but now its. complicated #which isn't inherently bad but i think theres so much to unpack that its just like. if its not done right its going to be a disaster #charden have remained actual friends #it doesn't feel like a huge jump for them to be on good terms #but everyone immediately assumes something must have happened offscreen if macden are getting along #like. its overcomplicated! idk! i think dennis' entire character is overcomplicated #and it makes it really hard because he is So established to just have a fun plot #also i think theyve slowly fucked mac's character and have no intention of fixing it like they have with charlie and dennis' characters #like charlie was made Too Dumb and theyve been remedying that by making him a little more grounded and serious #dennis was Too Angry and they're remedying it by having him develop a way of burning off pressure without exploding #but everything theyve developed for mac has just sort of been left behind #if there was a moment to show how he'd changed it wouldve been post mfhp but it almost seemed like it was a complete reversal #he devolved lol #he was definitely like. better. in s16. but he's lost so much complexity while the others have gained more #and it feels incredibly unbalanced #dee is just a nothing character now too which (while i disagree with a lot of the complaints abt her in s16) can be seen clearly now #but mac is just. #okay im done rambling bye #ada speaks #idk how to explain but macden as a dynamic feels like it holds both of their characters back #and it rarely brings anything new or interesting to the table #dennis shows a different side of himself around charlie #but he is. mostly just angry or exasperated around mac

[craycraybluejay]

Bruh I be having literally the worst urges and I feel bad that I don't feel bad at all. Like damn. Guess I'm really like that. Well, anyway.

#i am apathetic to whatever monstrosities lie within my mindscape #or rather i enjoy them and am apathetic to the idea that they are evil #unfortunately the fact that I'm excited ab them makes me rly rly rly want to talk ab them #which would be bad #but if it gets bad enough i think its time i let my therapist in on the next circle of anouther hell #i know she will be kind no matter what i spring on her #but this. i dont know how to feel or what to think about all this #its pathological. i can fix it about as well as i can fix the fact that i adore music or get turned on by fear or am consistently- #-platonically or otherwise pulled to murderers and the like #i know its some psychosexual nonsense-- some fixation rooted in some perverse symbolism that i cant fully grasp #its so difficult to be a BadWrong thoughts and desires person #bc even tho i have like. some level of control and ethicsband whatnot. even tho im not doing the guilt ocd thing. #even though i know im ok the way i am #i also know i cant talk ab it. cant be excited about it. cant vent or happy rant about it. stay quiet. let it eat ya #cause ppl cant accept some things cant like. come to terms with things. again and again #i find myself relating more to 'good people' but being able to talk more openly and honestly with 'bad people' #like im too far from either side to ever be fully myself but i must let it out #and so i find i cant trust the people i love most with some of the most personal things more than i can trust a complete stranger #because at least that stranger has no spare room to judge. and i cant give af about losing a strangers high esteem of me #i share something truly heinous and sure i may be threatened but. disappointment from ppl u love is worse than murderous rage from strangers #which came first- the fixation or the corruption? i think it was the fixation #i was like that before. whatever false indulgences i have given myself will always sate the beast and not create it #i am not a bad person. but i will always have a monster inside me. a balancing act between #being a somewhat polite functioning member of society and completely losing myself to the dark #i dont hate myself. i wish i did sometimes so i wouldnt have the urge to vomit it all out #i wish i hated myself and felt such guilt over all that so i could be happy with being quiet. i wish it was only good that excited me proper #or rather i wish i knew someone like me in the right ways. irl. no phones no danger. who i could share with excitedly and not feel like ill #be told that im a freak who deserves to die. someone who will share equally horrific things with me and will keep me in check #i want talk therapy but with someone that has something SO wrong with them. a friendship that is nasty and fun and grossly honest #someone to say 'i know what ur talking ab/how u feel' when i say something pitch dark

[mummer]

thinking about how laenor and qarl's ending slots into the extremely weird patchwork canon of "queer/Othered couple escapes the world to find bittersweet joy(?) in exile" story endings. i have to go ruminate on this brb

#other works in the canon: flint black sails.... wicked (musical)..... the shape of water #rolling this around in my head #to be clear i love all these works and i love the kind of horrible ambivalence of their endings.... #because they are romantic and they are 'good endings'. bc they're together. At Least They're Together #but the sacrifice it requires............... #a world so inhospitable it must be totally abandoned. It's itneresting to me #hotd #like theyre all tragedies.... except the shape of water which i dont think i would call a tragedy???? but maybe it is? theres something so #SAD about that ending right? #but i also prefer it to stories that pretend othering doesnt exist. Or even 'revolutionary' stories that fix all the problems of society #by the end. #which always leans a bit too optimistic for my taste even if i get what they're doing #but it's like..... to LEAVE THE WORLD. to leave all of it. because at least you can be in love. It's so. big. its such a big feeling #theres something ABOUT this dude. idk im not well read enough to have an opinion #DOES ANYBODY GET WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT

[calamarispider]

.

#did i even matter to you? did i ever? do i still? if you see this #you should let me know. i hate the thought that i was nothing at all #even though you hate me. i dont hate you. i really dont. it just feels bad. you just make me feel bad #and upset. i wish things could have gone better #it was inevitable though. and im being dramatic. theres no way to fix this. no way to resolve things #not that i can think of at least #i just wish i could have *some* resolution. an update or something. maybe im just too curious about things that hurt #you probably just talk shit about me. if you talk about me at all #i cant watch videos i used to love. i cant listen to songs i enjoyed. pages of sketches are nothing but a reminder. #ive experienced worse since. but this is the thing that stuck. probably because i was younger? that would make sense #i dont know if you ever cared about me... not really. did you know #every relationship ive been in. the other person has shut me out. avoidance or forgetfulness or attempts at isolation.... im not sure why #its a pattern though. which means it must have something to do with me. im the unchanging variable.you dislike me.or at least i think you do #so surely you can tell me bluntly? #im speaking to air right now. you wont read this. you have no reason to #calamarispeaks #vent #i guess. its more of a letter to someone who will never respond

[dawei-s]

the entire time i though my teacher was giving my crazy grades turns out she's just writing the date😭😭

#*p #i was like man 12/20 for mispelling somthing....which i did purposefully bc it's supposed to be a wrong sentence which you then fix but #there must be something i am not understanding abt it bc it's only ever one sentence she marks and we write two and the other teacher #doesn't mark it as wrong i just don't understand

[tj-crochets]

Hey y’all! Do you have any recommendations for brands of vitamin B12 supplements?  My doctor’s been trying to figure out why I keep having bad muscle spasms and cramps, and a blood test finally showed something as being not normal! Well. Sort of. I’m apparently still in the normal range for B12, but low enough that it could be causing problems? So it’s supplements time, but she didn’t even give me a dosage. I know vitamins can vary wildly in quality and I remember that like third party companies that examine them exist but idk what seals or labels or endorsements I should be looking for

#the person behind the yarn #medical mention #blood mention #apparently when a muscle spasm knocks you off your feet at the top of a flight of stairs #doctors start taking you seriously about the whole hey! something is wrong here! thing #I did not fall down the stairs but it was close #and then a week later a muscle spasm knocked me over when I had a rotary cutter in my hand #luckily rotary cutters' safety button things are extremely easy to hit and I did not get hurt #but like I would like to stop having extremely painful muscle cramps that buckle my leg out from under me #my rotary cutter and my fabric scissors are both extremely sharp and I don't want to go back to have to use them sitting on the floor #which I used to have to do before my blood pressure issue was (kind of) fixed #it's also just an incredibly bizarre feeling to be standing upright and have a muscle in your side abruptly decide #your hip is going UP! Right now!!! it must attempt to meet your rib cage!!! #like the leg cramps and spasms I am more used to and can usually compensate for at least a little #but that spasm pulled my hip up so strongly on one side my foot was off the floor

[longagoitwastuesday]

I love Christian.

#I love him. I love how sweet he is. I love that he is terrible at speaking his love but it's something he appreciates #I love that he hopes Roxane will be refined and is elated when he learns she's a précieuse #I love that he's ready to fight Valvert the very moment he learns of his and de Guiche's plot regarding the marriage of Roxane #And I adore that he leaves despite this and himself when he learns Lignière is at risk #I love that everyone is in awe when Roxane enters the scene but he doesn't even look up because he's paying the seller girl #I don't know. I find him adorable and charming and sweet from his very first scene #And already I find a lot of similarities between him and Roxane and Cyrano #I don't know... I just really love Christian #I'm just going on and on about this play but I keep focusing on different things I love about it when I reread it #And still I'm procrastinating uploading the parallels/continuity/thematic repetition fragment and even just the ones I particularly love #Anyway... At one point I'll go back on this tag to refresh my memory and actually do the thing‚ and clean a bit these posts since I'm at it #Cyrano de Bergerac #Christian #I must choose but I think I've been incoherent before and I have to go check which tag I've used where and fix it #I talk too much #I should probably delete this later

[medicinemane]

As always, if you wonder why I don't talk about certain current events but do others, a lot of it comes down to whether I think it's something that other people are talking about a lot

If it's something where I figure you're going to be well informed and need a break, I tend to keep it to a minimum on here cause you already know

If it's something I rarely see talked about, then I'm more likely to mention it

World's bad, we're all doing what we can, I know people have said to me before they appreciate me more keeping to cats and frogs and random stuff, so I mostly try to do that, but... in the end I just kinda share whatever my brain decides to share

Want to give my thought process though

#and in this case it's a matter of that Syria really does feel forgotten and I won't deny I often forget too #but with the stuff that's going on right now I really prefer to when I can be reblogging stuff that has something at least a bit actionable #stuff that says where you can donate to give aid via reputable sources... that's what I like to try and focus on #but yeah... man; only place I really ever tend to see Syria mentioned is in Ukrainian circles #so that's why I wanted to highlight that one #man I wish I could do more in the world #so many people suffering and... and... well; and I can't do shit about it and that sucks #just keep trying to slowly get things together around here; and trying to slowly be able to help more and more people #and just hope that if you help people; it'll make them want to help people like they were helped #and maybe if enough of us get stable ground under our feet and know how it was to be helped... maybe some day we can collectively help enou #...try to avoid making things feel hopeless with my posts; cause things certainly feel hopeless #so I try to... try to focus on the good and what can be done to fix things as much as possible #want to keep people in the fight to try and make things better; not drain them by posting nothing but the bleakness of the world #things will never be right; those who've died can't be saved and we've failed them forever #which is all the more reason we can't give up and have to keep trying to make things better #because if we can never make things right; then the least we can do is try and make things better in the future #to at least stop adding to the list of people we'll never be able to fix things for #...something like that #it's bleak and I'm depressive anyway; but show must go on; you know? #so that's my thoughts here #I just feel the need to explain it sometimes; because people have a way of making assumptions #that if you don't talk about something you don't care #no... that's not it; I care; I just don't want to burn people out #and you can say they shouldn't burn out but I try to deal in practicalities and descriptivism; and people can be burned out #rather keep them in the fight to make the world better #so if there's a situation... like the George Floyd protests; that was another one where I didn't post much on it #cause we all knew... we all were paying attention and... I just figured people needed space #...I'm sad... sad more police reforms and accountability couldn't get pushed though but... at least we got something #...and I'm not gonna act like I'm some front line fighter when it comes to justice #I barely can deal with my own shit; I'm not saying I'm worth a damn thing in any cause

[rivaiin]

i finally sold my old tablet that i didnt use anymore and got 85€ for it so guess who has money to get armored core now. hehe

#yes yes i know what ive said about fromsoft games in the past but listen #i eventually settled into trying out sekiro and it was instant love it just clicked for me and i was honestly having the time of my life #until i got to ashina castle and my pc #that doesnt have working gpu drivers cause windows decided to install the generic ones over my good amd ones (i cant fix it ive tried) #just couldnt handle the new area or something idk #i started getting massive frame drops that made the game almost unplayable #and then the controller i use on my pc got a Lot of drift literally overnight #so yeah trying to do the genichiro fight with an average of 20 fps and stick drift wasnt fun at all #i did do the miniboss thats on the well from the start of the game and a few attemps on the seven spears guy #but at that point the drift was just too bad and i had tried a new fix for the drivers thing #and when i attempted genichiro again the game just crashed #so yeah #i Could play sekiro on the xbox but im not paying for a 4 year old game that got its price hiked #and runs at 900p and 30 fps on a new gen console cause the developers refuse to patch it <3 #ill pirate again once i get a new pc sometime next year #Anyways all of this was to say i do sort of get fromsoft games now and ac looks fucking incredible #and it has a pause screen just like sekiro which is a must for me cause i enjoy being able to go pee without having to hide first

[polaraffect]

.

#damien.txt #venting abt personal life in the tags lol sorry new followers <3<3 #ahhHHHHHHHHHHH why must sleeping be so hard #i cannot for the life of me figure out what the fuck has gone wrong or how to fix it #but here i am AGAIN at 5:30 a.m. contemplating pulling an all-nighter bc i could not sleep #and i just. am possibly going a little bit insane #bc i hate this. it feels awful. (whoa no way not getting enough sleep feels bad? who would have guessed-) #the answer at this point is probably medical intervention #and by medical intervention i mean i need to go to the store and pick up melatonin gummies lol #i am just a broke college student tho man... funding the inevitable melatonin addiction will SUCK #addiction is a strong word to use here. i just know i will want to use it every night if it works #which is like the intended usage but still. that shit gets expensive #anyways i wish having insomnia or something insomnia adjacent was actually cool and fun and edgy #and not just like. being on the verge of tears as you lay down in bed with a headache #but you literally cannot stop thinking and moving around long enough to fall asleep #my thoughts aren't even that bad they are just constant and i would like them to shut up pls <3 #ok i am done ranting lmaoo this is like the 4th rant abt sleep problems ive done on tumblr #maybe i need to like. fix this lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#the burdent of not being understood. its annoying and i dont like it. also its my fault #because if u say something serious in a light tone ppl dont kno wtf to do. prob bc they dont kno if ur delusional or not and like dont #wanna upset u. but then its like annoying bc they still walk away worried and im like ok neither of us r happy bc u dont get how serious #thjs is but i cant tell u how serious it is without making u worried. and y should i make u worry if u can't fuckinf do anything abt it? #so its just annoying. which is to say i went to a retirement lunch today and it was as awkward as i imagined #bc it was me and my boss and a couple professors and i dont do well in these group situations anything so i spent a lotta time spaced out #not hearing anyone bc the noise in the room was messy and my brain was peeling away from my body. but whatever i was there. and my boss #drove us both and on the way back she started the. im worried abt u talk. which i feel like she was too hesitant abt it. which like i get #bc its awkward to bring up but like i dont give a fuck so idk i feel like u gotta start those conversations like. this is how watching u #makes me feel. idk whatever. and i was honest but like it was a 5min car ride so i didnt have thr time to be like ok heres the deal. ya #kno? so now im all annoyed bc my brain is fucking unbearable when i feel like i havent made my thoughts clear. and now its like. do i bring #it back up? or just let it go? whats to be gained by talking abt it? all that i have to say is upsetting bc im very aware im being self #destructive. thats the point. i get boried and my brain only lets me do like 2 things so i use those things to make myself insane. bc at #least then i can observe the symptoms of the stress im exherting on myself. and i kno that not good bc idk how to stop and ppl r always #like u gotta relax. what will help u relax? and im like u dont fucking understand. i cant regulate thr amount i like things. if i like #something i like it so much it becomes stressful. and i like drawing but its not relaxing. its a thing i have to do and its stressful bc im #constantly thinking abt making things perfect and never meeting thst mark. my happiest memories arent even happy moments theyre just times #where my brain stopped for a second and i could just breathe for a minute. so like i cant relax. i dont like anything a normal amount so #the solution must be medication. but my brain has decided im not allowed to fix this problem until i move away so like 🙃 and like i was #giving little bits of this in the car but its like lady i kno its a problem. ive known its a problem for years. the self awareness doesnt #help. except that it keeps me from doing anything extremely bad bc for me if i at least kno where it comes from i can b like ah yes. this #is fucking stupid lol. but i dunno how me sharing all this helps bc im sure it only raises the worry. but like its fine. i mean its not but #like ya kno. and i was kinda explaining how upsetting it is for me to have my schedule changed without warning even if its for things other #ppl would see as good and i wasnt thst firm abt it so it was: but i can't just do nothing for u! and i was like ugh fuck it fine whatever. #and like do i bring that back up bc it is like a respect my boundaries thing but like i feel like if i were anyone else it would be good #to drag someone out of their comfort zone but im being dragged into situations i find profoundly isolating bc i cant seem to function in #groups. ugh its just fucking annoying bc i dont want her to feel bad. i appreciate the effort but like ugh its exhausting. whatever. it was #anyway. im just annoyed thst i should have explained things better. also im annoyed thst i constantly forget most things taste bland and #then im annoyed when i hsve to eat bland things. i think my nose doesnt work right bc i csnt smell much either #unrelated

[bumpscosity]

I DIDNT KNOW BIG THUNDER WAS DOWN THAT EXPLAINS THE WAIT TIMES 💀

#they JUST had a big refurb in late 2021 so it must just be small fixes from the weather #bc those storms we had like a month and a half ago were CRAZY #apparently it closed on the 3rd so I’d assume it’ll open up again soon #what tipped me off to something being wrong was Star Tours wait time was at 25 minutes #that wait time is THE way to tell if a ride is down #rise of resistance is kinda short rn too so I’m p sure it’s been down recently which isn’t helping smugglers run or any other ride in #the park #sassy speaks #dl #Astro blasters is down too which I mean that ride isn’t super popular but it IS right next to star tours so it’s def making the line longer

[mercuryislove]

#every time im like. huh maybe i have a handle on this mental illness thing #~something~ must happen to send me into a complete tailspin #where im like ohhh okay so this is why nobody will ever love me and i should blow my stupid ugly brains out asap! #anyway i had a thought that i havent had in a LONG time and that shit almost made me relapse. what a world. #it made me PHYSICALLY ILL so you know it's real #whatever it's fine. i know what will fix this problem and that is talking about it online #and also getting drunk which i may do tomorrow #it's 1:30 and i have to get up very early in the morning but i am so disgusted by myself thst i wont be sleeping much ._. #NO im not actually going to blow my brains out or hurt myself so dont worry if you happen to be reading this #im just going to close my eyes and hope that sleep or even death takes me lol #uhhhhh #suicide mention #i guess

[sometimesiwanna-disappear]

every so often you have a phone call that reminds you why you used to be petrified of phone calls

#THAT WAS SO BADDDD #i just want my computer repaired man i wanted to know when would be a good time to bring it in #and i didnt realize the guy thought i was a karen who wanted to bring it in and have it fixed overnight until thje convo was almost over #I DID NOT WANT THAT NO #I JUST WANTED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO THAT WOULD BE MOST COST EFFECTIVE AND NOT A BOTHER #HE WAS LIKE. MUST HAVE BEEN HOLDING BACK SO MUCH FRUSTRATION. I COULD HEAR IT #I DID NOT PICK UP ON IT I WAS JUST LIKE MAN IDK WHAT TO DO MAYB EI COULD BRING IT IN TOMORROW TO SEE WHICH PART U NEED AND HE WAS LIKE ???? #BRO I JUST TOLD YOU WE HAVE OTHER STUFF TO FIX IW AS LIKE NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT #and then i overexplained and was laughing so nervously i want to dieeeeeeeeee #he was like ok so........ call when we can do something for you ? ok bye ??? #i am jumping off a cliff goodbye forever. everyone #i speak

[infizero]

was going thru my art blog for fun and god. who knows the person i’d be today if i hadnt off the cuff decided to not give the angel tommy horns in that one drawing. like literally me just randomly going “nah im not gonna draw horns on the angel version” influenced how i see ctommy and cdiscduo’s dynamic and shit like that forever

#for those who arent in the know. in my mind tommy has intense self loathing of his devil horns and tail #which was instilled in him by dream during exile. dream doesnt like them and wants tommy to not have them so that he'll look fully human #just like him (in my hc dream is the only full human on the server which is something he is DEEPLY insecure about) #and so as part of his general thing of making tommy believe that there is something inherently wrong with him that must be fixed (by dream) #he would offhandedly make ''jokes'' and comments about them leading to tommy hate them #*hating #anyways this all culminates in dream breaking off one of tommys horns when he kills him in the prison. (with only his fists it was too much #effort so he decided to wait to break off the other one) #oh and when dream escaped and was chasing tommy out of logstedshire and stuff he fully intended to chop off his horns and tail along w #killing him. luckily tommy got away though but the thought still hasnt left dream's mind #anyways yah im back to thinking about cdiscduo. i may be more into life series atm now but they still plague me rest assured #serena.txt

[dr-gaytorius]

um yeah i’d like to complain abt the complete destabilization of my whole life just one more time

#i cannot live here for much longer bc i can't deal with the fuckery lollllll #they're so slovenly but the moment someone else doesn't clean something perfectly they get snippy and passive aggressive #like bruh.... when was the last time YOU cleaned something???????? #saw my roommates litterbox the other day bc the wifi went out and i had to fix #the modem and router are in his room #and hoooooooooly actual fuck #literal MOUNTAIN of cat shit in his cats litterbox. literally mind boggling. i clean mine at LEAST every 3 days. #rule of thumb if you can smell it it needed to have already been cleaned and must be cleaned immediately. #and brother i can smell that box from the fucking hallway #i mean i get it they're in their early twenties so this kind of thing is very average but like. yk i'm so good on all this #but my FA only provides like. under 16k/year. which would give me a a feasible rent budget of approx #441/month. impossible. #soooo i'm getting my ass a job but im like super reluctant about it bc i hate leaving my room and interacting with other people LOL #did the math and if i make $10/hr and work 3 days/week (bc school) it will bring me to an approx feasible rent budget of $681/mo #and if i make $20 (unheard of lol) with those hours it would put me at approx feasible rent budget of $921 #the place im applying to now is supposedly paying $15/hr so #it should be enough yk #even if barely