#& i should've known i'd revert right back to my old conditioning the second he put his hands on me

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

& do I even get to blame him when I knew very well the moment I step through that door there's no backing out

Was it worth it?

Doll was so fucking scared n now it's better for him but. What if this would've been what he needed to break out. I don't want him to get hurt ever again, if it's ever up to me I'll take it, for the rest of my life if it keeps him safe but it never does

Was it worth it?

#i mean technically i could've flagged reaper down but. i told him to not get involved unless val gets excessively violent #only hit me once cause he knew he gets to do much more dmg in the other ways #& i should've known i'd revert right back to my old conditioning the second he put his hands on me #so ofc i couldn't even fucking remember i had a way out it didn't even occur to me even though i probably should have #tapped out when he started tearin me down in full force #i could've just let him work out some of the aggression n got the fuck out before it got so bad #but i couldn't remember that's smth i could do. that it's somethin people usually get to do (though i was never one of the 'people') #i have a feeling reaper might not agree to it again. i convinced him to trust me to be able to put a stop to it if i need to #but clearly i wasn't capable. never knew what's good for me so i guess that's nothin new #he tries to let us make our own decisions cause controlling us just makes it worse but. there's a limit to that. #i rly hope he doesn't blame himself for lettin it happen. i explicitly asked him to n he only agreed cause he thought i could stop it #spdrvent