#ACTUALLY I COULD UMMM. DRAFT POSTS. THAT WOULD BE PRODUCTIVE

[cosmosogler]

hi guys! i had REAL BAD dreams!! so i got up late!

actually i woke up earlier than my alarm (i hadn’t been able to fall asleep until after 2, and i woke up around 9-ish?) and i ended up laying on my back staring up at the ceiling fan for a while. just watching it go. it reminds me that i am in my own home, which i pay for with my own money, and which i live in. sprawled out staring up at the ceiling fan. 

i got up and poked around. didn’t really feel like doing anything. i finally made up lunch and biked over to the department around 12. i had lunch and then went to the drc at 1:15 in the rain. the appointment was... productive. we talked about my accommodations. i’ll be looking at testing help next.

i got screened for a learning disability. based on my answers, the new helper person came to the conclusion that i have depression.

that reminds me. i have two appointments tomorrow, one on friday, one on monday, one next tuesday, and one next wednesday. I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS!!!!!!

anyway after i got back i really struggled to do any studying. i got through one day of notes in stat mech, which is like 20 minutes’ worth of reading. it took me two and a half hours. what else was i even doing? i don’t remember. i installed xkit at some point hoping it would fix my broken ass activity feed, but it didn’t. i still can’t see 80% of the activity on the comic page in the feed. and stuff keeps disappearing after i’ve seen it too which makes the numbers even lower.

i came home and was too tired to make any dinner. i eventually got up and put something in the microwave. and... hmm. i cleaned the bathroom a little bit, which i had been putting off. i put off a lot of chores this weekend that i’ve been getting to very slowly.

i also finished two things for the comic! i cannot post either of them yet, so they are sitting on top of the huge “draft” post pile. but it’s nice to have them out of the way. it’s the avatar image i’m going to switch to next, and a notebook reference picture for the new character that’ll be showing up in the next part of the story. i have two more digital pictures i want to finish before the end of july. one’s got a thumbnail and i like how it looks, i just need to actually draw the picture. the other one i don’t quite know what i want yet. 

ummm let’s see. i think that’s about it. i wish i could stop having awful dreams. last night there was a running theme of “i am minding my own business / trying to solve a problem when people who are supposed to be helping me decide to put me in severe danger or just kind of be assholes.” 

i don’t remember how often i write about this here, but i’m a little disappointed at how many people have told me they’re gonna read the comic and then haven’t. when i offered to show keegan the other week he directly asked for a link and told me he would tell me what he thought. that was over a week ago. harrison’s bff zoe never got to it and he’s been nagging her after she said she was really interested. apparently he showed her one of my pictures (that made me panic at the time) and zoe didn’t say anything to me about it but according to harrison she gave it a “glowing review” to him. natalie last spoke to me over two weeks ago now, and even then she hadn’t looked past the first four pages a week before that last message. 

at least taylor said “when it’s done” which is easier to take as an indirect “no.” i wish people would do what they say they are doing. 

i don’t know what i’m doing wrong. i don’t know why SO MANY PEOPLE in my life make commitments they don’t keep. i can’t even go out and have fun with my friends because they commit to going to the bar or whatever and then when the time comes they aren’t even around. keegan asks if we want to play smash at a certain time and then when we say yes, he goes home a half hour before we were supposed to start.

i wish harrison wasn’t the ONLY PERSON who actually kept his commitments. i feel walled in. i hate having just one, like, actual friend in my community. i just wanna go to the movies sometimes, you know? 

my classmates keep making huge plans the day before they want to go out. i’m a little upset that one guy asked to go to the beach this weekend the day before he wanted to leave and he still got people to go along. i don’t know if those plans fell through or not though- they didn’t post any pictures. my plans fell through and i made them weeks in advance specifically scheduled so that the most people could go.

it’s hard for me to gather up the resources to attend this stuff when i only know about it the day before, though. i went to soham’s... that was like 50-60 minutes of biking total and i was so tired the next day, and they didn’t actually make enough food so i biked home hungry all the way up the hill for 3 miles... 

ehh i’m whining. i should stop. i don’t understand why it hurts so bad. it makes me feel like i don’t matter.

it makes me feel like i don’t matter to the people i care about. who i thought cared about me. 

i’ve been getting that feeling a lot lately. with the department leaving me out in the cold when i thought i was on really good terms with some of the people who made kind of nasty comments to me... friends who say they’ll hang out or look at my art and then don’t. i hope i’m not asking for too big a time commitment. i thought playing video games wasn’t that bad. but we haven’t done that in months now and i put so much effort into repairing / replacing the controllers for smash. i put that together just so it would be easier to play and no one wants to. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to matter more to these people that i care about.

i know that makes me an annoying tryhard. i know. i just want friends so bad. i want my classmates, these people i’ve known for a year and who i care about, to have a good time and not be miserable because of our workload. i bring in candy, i bring in games, i fix the controllers... i know i can’t ASK them to hang out, i can’t pressure them, but i keep hoping maybe they’ll want to do something or spend time with me. AND THEY SAY YES! AND THEY MAKE PLANS! and then they don’t keep them. they change their minds at the last minute.

i’m relieved that my money is back in place, for the most part... like i have a definite course of action there. but i still feel so lonely and miserable. even online i feel too shy to really reach out to more than one person at a time, and trying to talk a lot doesn’t necessarily mean we become friends.

[richmarc]

Update on paper #100117

So seeing that i never really admit my problems i tend to write my facts on paper but never all in the same breath or at the sametime, ill let my guard down for this second cause i simply need to clear my mind

Dear Tumblr,

I apologize that i have returned in a moments notice and i know I've been gone for a while. A bunch of controversial drafted post sitting in my file to never see the light of day and fears....excuses as to why i stuck with you so long. I remember when you were as private as a joke carved into a bathroom stall door, now your like the gossip newsletter flying around campus streets. I got dicouraged, knowing i was writing what I considered at the time "blue magic" and my product wasn't reaching the customers in mass quantity.

Lately i have been soul searchimg and quite frankly I didn't find what i was looking for from the moment i left, but i confide in you cause beneath the codes and backgrounds of what you are and the freedom I believe you give me, i feel as if though i have the power to make my stream line of data you keep my world. Ive changed in so many ways and have yet to dound a way to be satisfied by you, so like a battered relationship i guess for now I'll stick with you cause you and I are misunderstood and "I know you love me... i know you do <movie quote "

So ill share how shitty I feel and see what you or the universe will have to say about my open letter to you..

I have been wasting my time with females that i deemed to be a fit for me, just to be dissapointed at the end that they be on some bullshit.

I had a beautiful daughter that i don't have the honor nor the pleasure to be around, because we live in different places and I dedicate my life and time to working and making sure she has a future when she grows up and its not possible where she currently resides. Upon visits their always arguments and fucking ridicule from family begging me to sink everything thats for my daughter down the drain and restart because the memories are more important.

My daughters mother i love with all My heart and never thought I'll see the day we gotta be like this... madd some decisions that wasnt keen as to why we are where we are...on top of the fact that its been years now and forgiveness lesson i still haven't learned. I've told this woman my greatest fears of never wanting my daughter to wake up without me there and etc... and its not easy scraping the plate completely fucking clean to someone who ACCIDENTALLY made you live out that nightmare

So.....suicide would be pointless and selfish now cause you dont live for you cause the moment i seen my daughter and she seen me...I've glady destroyed my world and soley been working to build hers...cause despite the situation im first and foremost a fucking proud parent.

Not eveyone knows she exists, the world is becoming a encyclopedia of open information. Google face recognizing this mf been in multiple pics with you, that you took a shit in this Macy's and their reviews are 4.5, or you spent the weekend in Birmingham's motel 6 and you didn't state how you like your stay.... so due to the confusion i just state needless to say something thats so near and dear to me i don't post, comment, hashtag on cause the world doesn't need to join in that aspect of my life right now. I wanted to take it like it was when I was a kid, you know no twitters and ig's, summers actually spent outside maybe 2 people on the block with a Nintendo but yall all shared games... it funny some people cant remember what they wrote a year ago yet... a memory like that can never be clouded nor replaced..

I work 17hrs out of 24hr days for people who use me like an ox pulling A plough through a fucking field....

Lol... trynna be nice and not simply state its like being what african american always considers on topics pointed to racism... but you get the jist. Knowing everyday your mind wonders off and consider you better, knowing you can do better than this hoping and wishing the boss will shown you some love for a meal ticket to eat and thats no anology js......

To a man who appears to have the comparison of a marshmallow but not in wieght and stature, but color and feelings... dexterities very bleek and immobile. The kind of guy my father say look out for cause they can never look you in your eyes.

Trying to move up in the company and do something i consider something that'll be worth missing my daughters 1st etcs..... had the interviews a month's ago. A flood hits florida and somehow that had something to do with mu fucking response to advancing or not cause some asswipe want to go down and volunteer knowing he's going for the same postion I am and we gotta wait for this non relevant mf to come back to have a "fair shot" are you fucking kidding me? There's 2 slots open and im staring at what I want just fucking sitting there dusting... ok...

My bestfriend that I've loved since I was 15, come to find out basically been lying to me the past couple of years sending me mixed signals about what our relationship is and what it could be and all along she thought lying to me about being happy with the mf she's with and randomly coming up pregnant with twins with the mf was gonna hurt my feelings if she just kept it honest and told me i never had a shot to begin with, meanwhile leaving me looking like the thrist-bucket who's been chasing her and she never looked as like she wronged me...hmmm then to turn around and find another mf you know whos near and dear done the same thing and hid a pregnancy cause they didnt know how you'll feel

Friends are becoming distance from multiple sides of the globe,with the exception of the 3 goats you always keep, love....? Ummm next,

The new company who bought your apt complex decides to waltz they ass in ya spot to call bullshit and try to charge you $300 for something

Uhhhh you get the picture

I say all thst to say it's been a rough little min, thats for those who actually noticed my absence... I'm trying to contain the balst radius for when imma lose it, but this 2'5 9month tape recorder keeps me in check from losing it all and making me retain humbleness, even in my worst of times.....

Consider this a memoir for when I actually get to the sweetspot of life ,the scallops and stallions for breakfast portion

But fuck it we all human I just don't have a problem admitting the shits thats been killing me...

Until I need you again Tum tum

Sincerely yours,

Hypno Umbrella