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#I'm constantly endeavoring to find the line between guilt (healthy good emotion meant to guide you back to the light when you do something
buckttommy
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2 years
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#Haven't been feeling great lately
#I'm uncovering a massive shame complex that spans wider farther and deeper than I imagined.
#I'm constantly endeavoring to find the line between guilt (healthy good emotion meant to guide you back to the light when you do something
#wrong) and a pervasive self-loathing and anxiety as a result of something I shouldn't have done.
#This is a problem that began in childhood and though my faith isn't the problem
#the way it was taught definitely is.
#Trying to untangle the web between Christianity as a system of belief and Christianity as an evangelical tool of indoctrination espoused by
#people who do not or cannot even fathom the comprehensive nature of the Bible is. a challenge.
#But my faith is important to me. It is one of the only things (aside from my family) that is consistently enduringly important to me
#and I am absolutely not willing to turn my back on it just because of some of the damage the Evangelical church has caused.
#But there are a lot of complexities going on in my head; shame combined with paranoia combined with anxiety from over
#a decade of trauma. It's a lot to contend with. A lot to sort through.
#And it doesn't help that every so often I... reinjure myself... by doing things/saying things/acting in a way that's going to make that
#cycle of bastardized guilt morph into crippling self-hatred
#This is a lot to dump on the dash early in the morning. I apologize for that.
#I'm really just... reflecting on life. Reflecting on the last few months. Reflecting on where I've gone astray and where I haven't.
#Taking accountability for myself etc
#I've learned a lot. I've unlearned a lot. Now I just need to sort through it all.
#I don't need advice or anything btw so please don't respond if you read all this way and that's all you have to offer lol
#I'm just... very introspective today. Not sad or damaged
#Just thoughtful
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