#I'm just... very introspective today. Not sad or damaged

[buckttommy]

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#Haven't been feeling great lately #I'm uncovering a massive shame complex that spans wider farther and deeper than I imagined. #I'm constantly endeavoring to find the line between guilt (healthy good emotion meant to guide you back to the light when you do something #wrong) and a pervasive self-loathing and anxiety as a result of something I shouldn't have done. #This is a problem that began in childhood and though my faith isn't the problem #the way it was taught definitely is. #Trying to untangle the web between Christianity as a system of belief and Christianity as an evangelical tool of indoctrination espoused by #people who do not or cannot even fathom the comprehensive nature of the Bible is. a challenge. #But my faith is important to me. It is one of the only things (aside from my family) that is consistently enduringly important to me #and I am absolutely not willing to turn my back on it just because of some of the damage the Evangelical church has caused. #But there are a lot of complexities going on in my head; shame combined with paranoia combined with anxiety from over #a decade of trauma. It's a lot to contend with. A lot to sort through. #And it doesn't help that every so often I... reinjure myself... by doing things/saying things/acting in a way that's going to make that #cycle of bastardized guilt morph into crippling self-hatred #This is a lot to dump on the dash early in the morning. I apologize for that. #I'm really just... reflecting on life. Reflecting on the last few months. Reflecting on where I've gone astray and where I haven't. #Taking accountability for myself etc #I've learned a lot. I've unlearned a lot. Now I just need to sort through it all. #I don't need advice or anything btw so please don't respond if you read all this way and that's all you have to offer lol #I'm just... very introspective today. Not sad or damaged #Just thoughtful