#It was the combo of very surface understandings of Patriarchy as 'bad man hurt woman' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

22degreehalo · 4 years

Text

For real though I never feel less female than I do around wlw.

Like it verges into straight up dysphoria, to the point where in my last year on tumblr I started seriously wondering if I was trans or something.

But when I'm on my own I'm always always okay with just being a she/her girl. Long story short I'm 90% sure I'm a cis girl and that taking on any other identity/pronouns/whatever wouldn't make anything better.

But I definitely do have a disconnection from womanhood that feels, like, especially pronounced among lesbians particularly

I think it's a combo of

A) the pedestalisation of women among lesbian wlw especially, which makes me so fucking worried about young wlw being taken advantage of and not feeling okay in speaking out when they're mistreated by women. But I certainly don't feel like a goddess or perfect or kind or emotionally intelligent, so I feel myself pushed into the category of 'terrible awful man, just go away you trash you'll never change' and it SUCKSSSSS

B) As an aroace girl I grew up pressured to be things for other people I couldn't be, and think true happiness could only be found in something I can't do. So obviously pro-wlw stuff can end up leveraging amatonormativity in a way that's really bad for me (but not inherently bad? Competing access needs and all), but it's specifically the promotion of wlw love as essential to womanhood, the 'every woman is a lesbian at heart' type politic that lies under a LOT of wlw ideology, that means when I feel disconnected from romance I'm also disconnected from being a woman

C) connected to the above, the fear/discomfort I feel at being expected to perform sex/romance making me want to make myself undesirable, thus making me want to feel less like a woman and more like anything else.

D) in general I don't relate well to most people because I'm aroace and ND. With men that's fine because I have an easy, obvious reason why I shouldn't fully relate. But on the surface I SHOULD relate to women, and prefer their company. In spaces of mainly women, especially where they go hard on gender essentialism and men/women being entirely different, it's VERY obvious and I feel like my lack of relating makes me less female somehow

And final point that I can't fully understand yet:

E) I know... a LOT of nb lesbians. Like most of my mutuals on twitter are? And... it's a weird feeling, being in some ways the opposite of that - me girl but no attraction, thanks. But. When I feel disconnected from womanhood, that includes wlw. And it's not just because of the patriarchy, it's also because of wlw themselves, both because we're just not the same and because ngl a lot of wlw have hurt me. :( But it... leaves me in a weird space where being nb also feels like a wlw thing, and thus primarily female, not to mention 'belonging' to lesbians, which sends MY gender feelings into a fucking TAILSPIN where the only way I can actually express my disconnection is by going full force into the thing 'incompatible' with being wlw, that being a man. And when you bring in he/him lesbians it gets even worse.

Actually wait one more really dumb one:

F) the whole idea of being a girl as a Choice, like in that post about TERFs, makes me feel weird bc I feel like being a girl is the MORAL choice because girls are Better and so my gender feelings are Bad and Kinda Traitorous orrrrrr for the full 'sj has fucked my brain big time' I. Feel like I don't deserve to be a girl because I suck in most of the ways wlw say men suck. PLUS, i feel like being a girl means I agree it's the better choice, somehow?? And that I'm saying I'm a girl because I'm Better????? (For real tho there are some not even wlw but general feminist places that are super pro trans women because they're Becoming Women but really wary and even hostile to trans mascs? And uh. I relate more to trans mascs, usually...)

I dunno man. Honestly... deep down I just don't like talking about gender because it's inherently about expectations and social groupings. Any group that talks a lot about gender in a personal way makes me uncomfortable super fast. Hell, any group where gender makes a difference at all.

Idk man. Gender is weird.

#are cis people allowed to have this many thoughts abt their gender (half-serious)#really tho most of what Ive said disappears as soon as I just go somewhere else #she/her does just feel the best the most often #can my gender just be voidpunk tho? like... girl but inhuman and unsexy and strange lol #man...... even specifying girl in the last tag feels like Im making a Deliberate Choice no its just the most okay option #like I guess my brain's set up that this is what it's used to and it doesnt want to shift. it means nothing and is not permanent.#if that changes Ill give up being a girl without either sadness or joy. but for now it's just a thing that's sorta there #HONESTLY I almoat think it'd be easier if I could just be nb lmao but I really think thatd just being up new problems #actually best thing is to probably just not tell anyone lol. i dont have pronouns on twitter so IG im doing that #people probably think im a girl bc of how I type etc but I say im aroace and I like both girl and boy things so. hm.#oh yeah my twitter screenname is fem as fuck RIP everyone thinks im a girl for sure lol oh well #ok im done

2 notes · View notes