#It's been so long since I've written an obscenely long Yukio post

[jays-therapist]

So much of who Yukio is stems from his self-hatred.

He wants to be an exorcist because he hates how weak he is. A lot of the contempt he holds for his brother derives from a desire to be like Rin, and not like himself. The way he remembers his own childhood is distorted by his self-hatred, as he struggles to focus on memories where he isn't inadequate.

I think the reason he hates who he was as a child is because he’s associated all of his worst traits to "Pre-Exorcist Training" Yukio, where he felt truly helpless and unable to do anything about his fear. Becoming an exorcist kind of gave him a sense of power? By learning about what he’s afraid of and how to deal with it, he now has control. At least, I think that was the idea behind it. What he doesn’t understand (and what Shirou probably didn’t consider when he gave his baby a gun) is that he’s not really overcoming his fear of demons. He’s just compensating for it, and clinging tight to any source of control he can get. Deep down, the fear remains; he still feels helpless, with a whole bunch of terrible coping mechanisms as a bonus.

(I also think this is one of the reasons he has such violent reactions to losing control, specifically towards his own body, like when he stabbed his arm to prevent himself from panicking in the Kyoto Arc.)

And he gets worse, because as he reasses the goals he had when he was a child (partly due to Toudou’s influence), he can only focus on all the ways they are selfish. A seven year old becoming an exorcist because he wants to be stronger only reinforces Yukio’s self-hatred, because it’s a self-oriented goal. Rin wants to be an exorcist so no one has to die for him like Shirou did. Shiemi wants to be an exorcist so she can protect others the way they’ve protected her. Bon wants revenge for the Blue Night and how it affected his family, and on and on and on. Yukio is surrounded by people who have experienced incredible pain, but focus on those around them. More and more, Yukio is seeing himself as the outlier, whose selfishness only serves to build upon itself. As he says, “I’m so obsessed with myself I can’t see anyone else!”

And like, that’s why I think the line “I’m strong because I had you!” holds so much weight, for both Rin and Yukio. For Yukio, it’s a realization that he loves his brother more than he hates himself, you know? He didn’t just want to be strong so he could surpass his brother. He wanted to be strong for his brother, and was inspired by him. It was that love that pushed him forward, and it’s that love that allows him to heal, a little bit.

This is best shown in the flashback he has later in Chapter 130 when they’re getting ready to square up with Satan. Earlier, I said that Yukio’s memories are distorted by self-hatred. Here, in this scene, we see a memory free of that bias, where Yukio, once shaking in fear, takes Rin’s hand. Yukio is brave, and able to overcome his fears with support, it just took him awhile to realize this.

Therefore, even though so much of Yukio is built upon hatred, he’s slowly recognizing just how much he loves and has loved.

#al yells #anyway. yeah #It's been so long since I've written an obscenely long Yukio post #blue exorcist #ao no exorcist #yukio okumura #UPDATE: I SCANNED MY BOOK SO THE PHOTOS ARE NO LONGER COMPLETE SHIT