#Johan can't hold back anymore

[llgn1]

Dream of the Eternal Lovers: Chapter 71

Juggling the two bags full of groceries, Wendy tilted to the left to reach their pocket only for the bag they were holding beginning to slip. The oranges on top were about to topple onto the ground before a much-needed helping hand reached out and averted disaster.

“I saw you from the window,” Johan said.

“Well thanks,” they responded.

As they entered the apartment, Johan said, “Don't put them away just yet. I need to talk to you.”

“Can't it wait? I mean, I just bought the tea.”

“It won't take long. Just give me a few moments of your time.”

Wendy agreed and after leaving the groceries on the kitchen counter, both headed toward the living room.

Johan exhaled briefly before beginning. "I'll get right to the point. There's this girl I like. In fact, I'm in love with her, but I'm having a dilemma. I've been thinking about it all night long, trying to figure out how to handle this. I have to decide whether or not to be her boyfriend or just stay friends."

"Wait, you have a girlfriend now?"

“That's the thing, should I or shouldn't I?”

“I don't see why not.”

He looks over at Wendy, who was listening attentively with a gleam of excitement. "No matter how much I want to tell you, I'm always held back. Maybe it's because I've lost faith in society, or maybe due to indoctrination. I'm not sure, but just trust me when I tell you that I can't tell you who this girl is, at least not yet."

"If you don't want to tell me, that's fine. As far as I know, you should just accept her love. I mean, she does love you, right?"

"She does, and she wants to be with me, but even she knows she shouldn't just jump right into it. We're really thinking about this."

"Johan, you're full of mystery, you know? I sometimes wonder who you really are."

"All I can tell you is that I want to be with her, but everybody else keeps telling me I can't... even you."

"Me? But I just said-"

"Trust me, you would say no, and that would be the end of our friendship."

"Really? You really think this girl would break up our friendship?"

"The truth would break this friendship."

"Johan, I don't like how you're saying that."

"But you made it clear."

"When?"

"Again. I can't tell you. I just can't tell you."

"That sounds kind of offending. I mean, why would you think that I would break up our friendship?"

"In that case, let me ask you, what if I left you when you decided to come out? What if I said that I didn't want to be your friend because of who you are?"

"Well, that would be terrible. Johan, are you telling me that-"

"No, Wendy. That's not it."

"I'm sorry Johan but now I'm just more confused than ever. You're not making much sense."

"I know and I'm sorry I can't be clear, but do tell me, what went through your mind about what I said? What if you overheard me saying that I did not approve of who you are and would not want to be your friend anymore."

"Well, I would be sad, and angry, but I would understand."

"You would? I thought you would be furious about this."

"I would. I really would. Nobody wants to be told they don't want to be your friend because of who you are, and I'm no exception, but I also don't want my friends to be dishonest with me. If you don't like me for who I am, then you should just come out and say it. Johan, do you not like me?"

John looked into Wendy's eyes, and then beyond them, trying to find the person he so wanted to see again. "I must confess that I miss the old you. He was cool, collected, kind of thought, but all the same a scatterbrain, but always easy-going and friendly. Now, as Wendy, though you're still the same scatterbrain, you have changed since high school. What hasn't changed are your friends. Your old friends are still around, that includes me. In contrast, you're the only old friend from high school I still have left, and even then that could change in the future. I'm actually quite jealous of you because you have a group of people who support you, but I have none. I lost everyone. So my anguish with you isn't because I don't like the change, it's just that I don't like that you can change, but I can't."

"Johan, I never knew that's how you really felt."

"I guess this is what people call change. Though for me, it's a change for the worse."

"Then why not get it out of your system."

"Get what out?"

"Your aggression. Take it out on me."

"But that's what I'm doing."

"Are you? Because that's the weakest display of indignation I've ever seen."

"But I'm being very rude."

Wendy couldn't help but laugh at Johan's very milquetoast attitude that he felt was coarse enough to feel guilty about speaking his mind. "Are you kidding me? Do you know how many names I've been called? Do you know how many times people have used slurs against me? Far worse things have been thrown my way. Sure, I still have my old friends, but I've made so many haters as well. At least in high school. College is a bit better, but not by much. I guess I got over that phase, but you know what, I don't care what they have to say. I don't care what they think of me. This is the decision I made, and I have to accept it, warts and all. So come on, tell me what you want to tell me. Don't hold back. Say everything you have held up until this point."

"But Wendy, I just did. I really did. I thought what I said was super insensitive and extremely unsupported."

"Is that really all you have? Virtue signaling? That's hardly a scratch for me."

"Well, I guess I'm glad that you can take a hit. I don't have that same kind of protection." Johan got up from the couch and headed back to the kitchen. "I said everything I wanted to say. If that's how you really feel, then I guess that's it. There's no point in getting any advice from you then."

Wendy followed shortly. "Hey, I don't know where you got the idea that you couldn't be with this girl, especially since I didn't even know you were the type to actually fall in love. In fact, I don't recall you ever finding interest in girls when we were in high school. So this is a bit of a surprise to hear from you."

"That's why I figured your advice wouldn't actually help me. Just forget I said anything."

"In that case, I'll just give you a universal piece of advice. Something that transcends anything you believe is my opinion or anyone else's. It's simple: Just do what makes you happy."

"That's your advice?"

"Take it from me. Sometimes people will tell you terrible things, they'll call you horrible names behind your back, even if they didn't know they did. The world will be against you, forcing you to conform to a belief you don't want to be a part of. But I say just forget about them, tell them all to go to Heck. Just do what you think is right. I mean, it worked for me. I'm just saying that if I can't support you in your time of need, if I can't accept you for who you are, then I'm not a very good friend. After all, I don't want my friends to be dishonest with me. If someone doesn't approve of me, I'd rather they be honest and take their leave, than stay and pretend that everything is fine. If I'm not being supportive, if I'm saying things behind your back, then you should tell me about it. I can't be a good friend if I mock you without even knowing it."

"You really think that?"

"Sure. If you really think I will disapprove of who you are, then I should know."

"I just said our friendship was on a thin thread."

"But do you really want to be my friend under these pretenses?"

"No, I don't. I really want us to be honest with each other."

"Then why not? You were honest with me just now and I've been honest with you for years. In fact, I will admit, you're not the kind of person who would do something bad. You're the most wholesome person I know. You're so honest and respectful. I have a feeling this girl you like has changed you and I want to say that it's all her fault, but I know you, Johan. If you say you love her, I believe you. If you say you can't be with her but you want to, I'll believe you. And if you say that this girl will break up our friendship, well, I'll believe you too."

"So you really are prepared for that?"

"Yes."

"Aren't you going to be sad or anything like that?"

"Of course, I will."

"But what if you end up hating me."

"Hating you?"

"What if the secret I hold will make you hate me forever."

"Johan, you're being kind of... weird right now. What did you do exactly? Did you murder someone?"

Johan sighed. "The thing is Wendy, it's who I am that may lead you to hate me. Maybe what I've done just recently, if I told you, you would probably think I was a despicable person."

Wendy's face showed confusion. "Are you for real? It's that bad?"

"That's what I've come to accept after everything I've been through. You could be the best person in the world, but even your best friends will abandon you by simply telling them the truth."

"I want to say that won't be me... but now I'm kind of afraid of asking what it is."

"Well, that's the truth. Things are changing before our very eyes, but we have yet to accept the truth. As you said, Wendy, if I didn't approve of you, the friendship would be over. The only reason why this friendship prevails is that I have nothing really against you as a person. But there was a possibility that was not the case. But I learned recently during all this that sometimes the truth hurts and a lie may be better if it keeps a friendship going."

"That's terrible advice."

"From one to another, I guess. I'm sorry but that's the only thing I've come up with because I'm in love with a girl. I love her so much. Nothing is getting in my way to be with her. I'm sorry to say but, if I have to choose, I choose her. I choose Lucy."

Leaving them with a soured look on their face, Johan passed by them and went into his room.

Laying on his bed, contemplating, he thought to himself, 'In the end, I couldn't say anything. I'm sorry Edwin but maybe Wendy is not working out. I respect them for who they are but I don't think I like them as much as I liked you. If, or when, I tell them about Lucy, then will be the deciding factor. Either way, I guess this is goodbye, old friend.'