#So there's clearly multiple things fucked up in my subconscious and they're affecting me but I can't directly get a handle on them

[mintaka-iii]

My mental health can't possibly good if an essay on the found family trope gives me such an indescribable feeling of hollowness and yearning

#Generally I know things are bad when some media is unbearable to consume #It's weird because I'm not overtly anxious and I'm less depression paralyzed than a few months ago #But I'm so terrified and hopeless about grad school applications that it's affecting my whole psyche #Even though it's not even a problem in my current life #It's just unbearable to think about or work on and it has been for like two years #Which means it's kinda hard to make any kind of meaningful change that would make me LESS terrified and hopeless #So I don't FEEL anxious or ACT anxious but I'm scared to death and compartmentalizing it #Also I've been in this town where I know none of my friends for more than a year now and also it's so small and I'm so fucking lonely #I don't FEEL lonely like it's not acute and I'm calling and texting people really frequently #But then I never realize I miss my sister until I see her again #And I didn't know how much I missed seeing all my friends irl until I did #Exactly twice in the past year #So there's clearly multiple things fucked up in my subconscious and they're affecting me but I can't directly get a handle on them #Also I want nothing more than to get an astrophysics PhD but it's SO much more competitive than physics #Cause the programs are so small #So do I apply to what I want and increase my chances of being rejected AGAIN #Or do I try and write essays about being interested in something I'm not really #No matter which program I get into I can probably do work in the other in actuality #But I feel like I can't apply to a physics program and exclusively talk about all the faculty I want to work with one department over #And most places don't let you apply to both