#a father who is always drunk and delusional and won't say shit besides feeding into my ambiguity?

[neuromantis]

my main issue with pill is that she can't decide either.

it is either "i am her" or she'll listen to me blather on and on and on and say "have you considered it's not true?"

so what is it? would you accept you are Her, and that telling me that made me so much worse on topic of Her? (better in some ways, but still utterly helpless)

or are you going to give me a reality check and try and fix my brain because it's hurting you too?

if you genuinely do not want me in that way, then stop agreeing with my delusions? are you Her? are you not?

why would you spend time and effort convincing me you are, just to flip-flop endlessly?? i am not sane. i need clear conclusions.

the time we genuinely tore each other to shreds was when i spoke about what i Feel and what i Think. because there are things that Feel right to me, logical, clear as day. but when i Think about it for long enough, it's really nothing besides schizophrenic delusions. i can still differentiate. but that's what hurts. i want to succumb fully or cut it all away. i can't be ambivalent HERE.

i will be happier if i succumb. i will be healthier if i cut away. i am neither currently. it all hurts so much.

"it really can't be possible", tells me my logic. "but it all perfectly lines up and makes so much sense", tells me my insanity. i am not the one to decide.

we talked about dissociation and voices too. and we're both unusual in that regard. so she must know how this feels. to be forever suspended in unknowing. to rely on others to show you a way to live.

#and what do i really have? #a father who is always drunk and delusional and won't say shit besides feeding into my ambiguity? #a mother who just starts crying and blaming herself so it's absolutely impossible to get anything out of her? #my other family members who never knew a single thing about me/us really? #a god who mocks me inside my head 24/7? #''to see the world again - and my sister just gives me that weird surreal look'' #if she's not... why do i remember? holding a hand in a red enveloping warmth #bedtime stories about purpose and intent #not ever matching anything - but having to share a single thing #tubes snaking up and down and hushed voices all around #a body on a metal table covered in white #cold clammy grasp of march dirt #white white white flowers losing petals #the rot setting in the rot sets in the rot sets in the rot sets in the rot sets in #why the fuck do i have to remember these things if they never happened?? #i know it's not true - but i've burned every picture and every diary #so how can i trust this decision? if i never trusted my memory either way it sides?