#absolutely miserable but not bad enough to take up icu beds who are needed for people with heart attacks etc etc

[kissmekillmee]

I was DEVASTATED for days. I didn't even get out of bed the whole first day. I felt like shit. But I picked myself back up. It's easy to focus on the bad and feel better- there were enough little things that added up. I wasn't completely happy for a long time, to the point that I had thought about breaking up, too. I didn't think you cared about me as much as I cared about you for the longest time. It started when you refused to even entertain the idea of moving up here to be with me, even though I was willing to jump through hoops to move in order to live with you. It got worse every time you told me you couldn't afford to come visit even though you would spend hundreds of dollars a month just going out to eat every day, and you made so much more money than I ever could. Even worse every time I'd try to talk about things that bothered me and you'd tell me it was stupid and that I needed to grow up- because who says that to the person they love? And the absolute worst was the fact that my mom lay dying in a hospital bed in neuro-ICU at one of the top hospitals in the area and you chose a possible promotion at your SERVING job over coming to support me. Oh, and then you were offered said position and declined it. You disrespected my feelings on more than one occasion, you were quick to argue about anything, regardless of how it made me feel. You'd act like it was always an inconvenience for you to help me. I don't think you even once meant it when you said "sorry" because I always had to pry it out of you. In fact, I had to pry a lot out of you, like how you felt about me, anything romantic. You stopped trying a long time ago and it just made me try harder. I think me trying harder is part of what drove us apart in the end. I asked too much of you, I asked for things you couldn't give. That I wasn't either of our faults- I asked for what I needed but you weren't equipped to give it to me. Looking back on all the little things that you stopped doing, it's easy to move on. It's easy to move on from something that wasn't all good in the first place, for either of us. You had promised me all this amazing stuff right at the beginning, and I didn't believe you at first but you were so insistent so I gave you the chance. And at first, it was incredible. You really were the man I'd been looking for. But then you stopped putting as much effort in, you acted like just coming to visit was enough instead of putting in the effort in between, and when I'd ask for you to give me what you used to, you'd get angry and say I was ungrateful. Does that sound healthy to you? One thing I remind myself a lot in order to feel better is that this would have happened eventually anyway, because you don't want kids ever, and I do. So that was a big red flag that I ignored- because I loved you. I was so desperate to make this work that I never would have broken up with you, and I did love you, a lot. And it really really deeply hurt me to lose you. But now I feel nothing, because I knew last week that you were gone for good, and there's nothing I can do about it. I know that it was a good thing, what you did. And I don't feel sad anymore that it happened. I'm sad that I lost the man that you were when we first started dating, but that man had been long gone, and I was just holding onto the idea that he'd come back. I'm sorry that you feel like I'm being spiteful by trying to move on. I'm sorry if it hurt you to read about me being with someone else. I'm just trying to live, I'm trying to take the time to be alone, but to also have fun. And I am having fun. Not always, sometimes I'm sad. And sometimes I'm angry at you for not being who you promised you'd be. But we just weren't meant to be and I have accepted that. I still wish the best for you, I still want you to be happy. And I don't think it's fair for you to hold it against me that I'm trying to be happy, too. It's not like I'm searching for my next great love already. I don't know if it makes it better or worse but there really are hardly any feelings involved and besides, I don't owe you an explanation anyway. Just like you don't owe me one. What you did WAS selfish, but that's OKAY. We ALL need to be selfish sometimes to do what's best for ourselves. It's part of growing up, which we both need to do. I know you will find a woman out there who brings out the good in you in a way that I never could, and I am happy to think about that happening for you- just as I would hope for you to be happy that I'm not sitting around miserable over you. I wish you nothing but the absolute best. I hope this helps you to better understand this from my perspective. I know it may make you angry at first, especially the beginning, but I think in time it will offer closure more than anything. Closure is something we both need. I don't want resentment between us. @grizzlybear9323