#after the rishta business this is more triggering than ever

[chaandkeeroshni]

08.01.23

woke up to a night fuckin mare today. i haven’t thought about my first relationship and the heartbreak in so long i thought i was way over the grief and i don’t even think about this person anymore but i had one of the dreams ive repetitively had post breakup, and now after years. i don’t know how many lifetimes itll take to heal from this heartbreak because i feel like it goes so much beyond this one, because so much broke. it was a breach of what i thought was sacred. and when your faith breaks in something which you think is sacred, you keep carrying so much. i don’t know what it is and i do try to process but i think it just comes down to this: i continued to trust him enough to consider this sacred. and when my faith broke, i also resorted to revenge. i wanted him to watch it. every bit of it.

i think it was the cruelest thing ive ever done. and it could only only come from a place of deep resentment and hatred and hurt and pain. id never do that to anyone else who’s just hurt me/broken my heart. i’d never do this to danyal. ever. i could go on my life never speaking to him again but id never ever want to hurt him. i’d never want him to see anything. i just don’t want any kind of revenge.

and now i mostly feel im over my feelings of resentment too towards what happened before, but something inside me continues to feel pain. still. and then i only feel resentful.

last couple of years ive been so so so busy and occupied with achieving certain goals and reaching a certain stage and im here now and sab kuch hogaya hai and pata nai chala bilkul bhi and now i sometimes sit with the weight and remnants of everything that happened all along and everything I repressed and I don’t know what to do with it. when people around me i value now trigger those insecurities and all the trauma, i don’t know what to do. i feel like i never created space to heal until only last year, after my last heartbreak.

Har cheez kay baad bhi sometimes it’s so funny danyal feels like the only person i respect amidst all this pain from all of these people. because i feel like even in this sickness and his limitations and his confusion, he remained considerate, loving, forgiving, even in his letting go, he was always trying to look out for me. i always say i had the courage to love, but he had the courage to leave; his words that have stuck with me “I’d rather make you cry once than your entire life.”

I feel like I kept trying to go back to sleep and id start having the same dream again. and it was long long and it was dark, and it weighed on me. like a fuckin car that doesn’t even run over you. it keeps pressing on you. like being stuck in a fuckin fit. you don’t even die. you just can’t breathe, and then you breathe a little, and then you can’t breathe again. the breath is stuck in you like a fucking lump.

i woke up and instantly started getting ready for a fucking rishta meetup which I was nervous about but it went kind of sweet. his mom was a queen and this is what ibrahim had to say about her: woh tou extroverts kee bhi extrovert hain. his mom kept saying to mine how she felt she could naturally connect with me. And his dad was kind of shy but very friendly and when ibrahim said she didn’t like shrimps, he kept saying “but this is chicken” and I didn’t get to talk to him much and went with the bias that he isn’t my type but kept stealing a glance and it was annoyingly endearing here and there, and i said something which wasn’t even that funny and he had the loudest laugh to it.

I came home and ibrahim and I watched tv and bonded and ibrahim told me more and more about the girl he likes, and sent her a video of me and she responded with “yas gurl 🔥” and it was so silly.

Ibrahim and I sat in the lounge and then mama woke up and I sat with her and told her about the fuckin dream and she laughed.