#all of this is about dean's lil daddy issues btw I hope that's clear

[fthnfrouz]

Hm so i just reblogged a lot of things since i reactivated this blog of mine hahahha. It’s been soo long. Tumblr is such a peaceful place haha. Since i already deleted my link of this tumblr acc from any of my socmeds, im making this blog my diary hehe. Just to clear off my mind from things.

So im okay, but im not. Hahaha. I’m doing so well in my studies despite the pandemic. I got deans list too. Like wow im astonished myself hahha. Im struggling mentally bcs i just unlocked my childhood memory haha. I’m trying to find my peace by learning to forgive my parents for what they did to me as a kid. For making me the mediator of all the chaos hahaha. For making me feel alone which somehow shaped me into the emotionally independent person I am today. But doesn’t mean I’m not grateful to them tho! I am! I’m just, hurt yknow haha. Allah says there’s beauty in patience. And there is acceptance in patience. I’m trying to achieve that so that I can live and love them again. I don’t hate them. I’m just truly broken haha

I distanced myself from my family these past few months. Cuz when i see them, i saw how i was alone facing things. I blame them for making me face that when they can just tell me to not go the other counterparts of the family. Seeing how happy they are and how incomplete i was, feeling ousted and don’t belong. And so the kiddy brain in me asked me to forget. Hush hush. Forget all the pain u lil tini. But now that i unlocked it, i feel angry. So i needa calm down and accept that past is past yknow haha i should be grateful to them

Hm as for my past lover story, pls i hope you don’t read this. But if you do, well just know im still in love with you since we met at your school’s workshop hahaha. He’s not my past, i still very much love him. Still attached to him. But i decided i get nothing out of no interaction with him and so i unfollowed him. Idk if i was just being all abt myself but i feel like he had a fake account and he was watching and just observing. My instinct tells me that or maybe i was just sticking it on me haha yea i think i was hahahhaha

I found his twitter btw but he went silent for quite some time now and im really both concerned more like worried, and curious of his whereabouts. I hope he shut down the social media to glow himself up and grow to be a more glorious man. Keep going student traveller you’ve got this *smiles*

Also im rly sorry for the weird interaction that we had on ig. I can actually talk yknow. It’s just that i was into you so much that i couldn’t put up better words for you.im better now that i learn the art of talking to other genders and human in general hahahah. Please take care and i wanna see you in love too. Marry the person that you see the value to interact with and talk your hearts out to that person. go go hehe

Yea i just could not move on from you bcs you’re a good person with good quality all of which i seek in a man. Your looks are just the additional spice. It was not your look that i was into. It was your eyes haha. And it still is now haha. Before this, i was afraid to love. Well daddy issues haha. But you looked kind bro. You still do. The fact that you play basketball too? That really makes you more attractive hahaha

Maybe you will change because everyone change. Maybe someone will come into my life and love me more. And i will try to accept that person. It’s unfair to find your quality in another person. So imma just try to love that man. You take care. Find your love! Haha

Hm about my life? Yea im pretty drained at my thoughts rn. Like i want to succeed but i also want to go? Yea. It’s wrong i know. But letting go and leave sounds peaceful to me rn haha. Like when you let go of your responsibilities? Yea. But i can’t do that. I am too clinged on to my responsibilities. That’s why im really tired rn haha.

I wonder what will my past self will see me as now. She’s proud,yes. But she maybe will ask, are you happy? Cuz i was yknow. Rmb our uncle? He made us happy. He made us forget painful things. He was our father figure. I hope you’re happy, adult tini. Hahahaha tears. Uncle’s not here anymore btw

Also im really grateful that I have my friends to still keep my sane during these online semesters. Honestly, I am really tired. They’re like the few ounces and the driving force to push me and keep going until I graduate. but hey! Doesn’t mean I don’t want my fast track phd. Ofc I do! It’s just that online school is tiring. And I can always do my dissertation better with physical class hehe

Yea so thats it for now iguess. Imma write again soon cuz this is therapeutic hehe. Bye!