#and I do feel like I've made progress. I've made immense progress. the mood stabilizer alone is giving me loads of new data to process.

[neverendingford]

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#tag talk #I think one of the reasons therapy is so hard is that it's not like I show up and talk about the problem I have. #I show up and have to list all thirty seven problems and explain how their separate and how they're intertwined #I had my third hour-long appointment with my therapist who I feel genuinely hopeful about and there's still issues I haven't talked about #and I get that a lot of these separate issues are really just a basket of extreme symptoms from a few core issues #but it's been so long that they've grown and rooted on their own so it's not just a matter of digging out the original roots. not anymore. #and I do feel like I've made progress. I've made immense progress. the mood stabilizer alone is giving me loads of new data to process. #without it the mood phase I'm in right now would be morose and gloomy with manic energy turned inward to self loathing. #I started that direction a day or so ago because I forgot/didn't care to take my meds and started slipping #but I took my pills and bam I leveled out. and that's nice. I feel calm and serene. #hmm. I've been like this before though. after some sort of emotional high which I did have for a bit. #idk. I'm hopeful I'm positive I'm optimistic but still #I need to talk to my therapist about the feeling like a joke. I'm weird I'm interesting I'm novel I'm strange I know it already. #I'm lonely #I'm tired of being different. of being set apart. of being holy. divine. #I want to be normal. not a spectacle to gawk at or even appreciate. I want to be unremarkable. I want to fit in. #my therapist has enjoyed talking with me. I'm very funny. very charming. tough to keep up with apparently. #those things are intended as compliments but they also just remind me of how alone I am. different. set apart.