#and also. it’s just weird after four years of constant contact you’d think that’d be worth something. like imagine thinking u knew me

[violetsystems]

#personal

My kitchen sometimes feels like the ultimate fish bowl.  The CTA platform overlooks it’s windows with a large cathedral like structure looming in the distance like a death star.   On particularly icy days you can see the bright orange and yellow uniforms sweeping the train platform against the Dark Souls inspired facade.  It’s always under construction.  It sometimes feels like it will never be completed.  It’s that view that’s shaped a large part of my peaceful existence offline.  Something is always being built or swept away right before my eyes.  I’ve spent most of my vacation at the kitchen table playing one game or another.  Saturday night a neighbor texted me to come play magic.  I stayed out past midnight and walked myself home.   I don’t think I’ve left the neighborhood much at all.  There’s a lot of shift in local politics currently.  I think I’ve answered more political surveys on the phone than had actual personal inquiries to my mental health.  I already voted for both Mayor and Alderman.  We live in what is called the 25th ward and we incorporate bits of Chinatown, Little Italy and the predominantly Mexican-American neighborhood I live in.  The alderman I voted for has their office set up a few blocks over near where I used to do laundry.  The one thing you can’t escape here is the neighborhood.  Jobs are one thing.  So are the more oppressive aspects of the city.  But home is something that we all strive to create for ourselves.  A place where we can both survive and feel a sense of belonging to a point.  I’ve always erred on the side of being transparent.  I don’t like hiding anything.  I’ve also learned the hard way traveling around the world by myself that there are layers to safety out there.  There’s layers to everything.  Things have felt eight layers deep with me for quite some time.  Vacation has been a clearer break between my job and the time I need away from it.  I ran a cold run across the street.  I went to Chinatown yesterday for lunch.  They were playing this Chinese dating show where the parents play the judges.  Parents are the harshest critics.  It seems like everybody’s parents love me.  I’ve never been married.  But I’m sure that’d be a bigger fish bowl in and of itself.  One that to me would be a much brighter future possibly sitting across from me in the kitchen someday.

I can’t see the future.  People might be shocked to know it’s still just me out here.  That all the weird shit that happens to me has no real endgame or result other than what I observe.  Lately since I’ve been off work it’s been easier to relax.  It’s easier to focus on the little details you might miss.  I have ideas sure.  The last idea had me travel to New York for twenty four hours by myself.  It wasn’t the perfect trip but I learned a lot.  I made my own connections to places and things that I brought back with me.  People started to see me differently maybe.  It put another piece in the puzzle together.  I’m headed back for the weekend Friday for a minute.  Still staying in Chinatown.  Still feel safe about doing so.  I might not be able to do anything but take pictures.  A bunch of my friends live out there.  I’m comfortable exploring it alone.  It’s taken a lot to get there.  I don’t know if I can explain it to anyone even at this point.  It loses a sort of magic that way.  Whatever reasoning behind whatever ban is in effect with my accounts on other social media, it did make me think.  Tumblr is probably one of the last places I’m open and somewhat transparent.  It’s also one of the closest way to maintain contact with people low key.  Maybe you learn a lot about watching a person from a distance over the years.  Maybe we start to understand some of the choices people make with their lives.  I had to quit music at some point.  Much like I had to quit a lot of social media.  These connections had been abused and corrupted to a point.  I did watch the Dark Knight for the first time all the way through recently.  I do know all about surviving long enough to find you are the villain.  The ending of that movie hurt a bit.  Especially since much of that film is set in Chicago.  I used to rack my brain over all of this way too much.  What did I do to cause so many people to be angry with me?  I’m the most isolated I’ve been in my life these days.  A venue in Russia that hosts Mac Demarco followed me on Instagram.  I can’t even follow back.  I can’t even really imagine why after all of this wanting to.  The one thing I can see about the future is that the view from the kitchen is always very pretty.  It reminds me of a place you might like to watch snow fall repeatedly.  Where everyone could see us but nobody would particularly care.

I don’t ever really question the way things work out.  I’ve grown used to things taking however long they need to take.  I’ve had to take opportunities to become a better person as they arose.  I’ve had a lot of free time to do that over time.  I had to make room for all that with a job and whatever else has been dogging my tail for years.  It’s been hounding us all for a minute now.  I’ve grown to understand at least in America it won’t go away.  There is a care and feeding to safety and security that requires your attention if you wish for it yourself ultimately.  People can lock themselves up in gated communities metaphorically and other wise and still forget the truth.  It starts with you and what you let into your life.  Sometimes there’s things that get pushed on you regardless of how hard you say no.  For me those times were times I’ve had to get rough.  People don’t like being told no.  People in power don’t quite understand why you’d even question it.  Sometimes I’m just looking for a solid answer.  Sometimes I’m just trying to make a case for something better.  I’ve done it alone for a very long time.  And at the same time I haven’t been so alone in the process.  People have grown to understand just how hard I try to stay genuine.  It doesn’t get easier as you get older.  It doesn’t seem to get easier for anyone.  It’s easy enough as an adult to order a standard queen size bed frame online and have it delivered on vacation.  I’m still growing.  I’m still learning how to be a sustainable adult.  It’s a lot easier for me these days to stay away from trouble.  Mostly because I think people know just how much trouble I’ve seen at this point.  I am at the point somedays when I wake up and it doesn’t phase me.  I can’t register any emotion other than how to face the current task at hand.  I know soon the windows will be open.  The moonflowers will bloom outside my window and feral cats will hang out on my porch.  These things are constants with the seasons.  With a little care and feeding they keep coming back.  Just like little signs on the ground if you look hard enough.  I’m sure it’d be painful to wait this long with your eyes strained every waking moment.  Some people are worth the attention.  I don’t question how much I need to do.  I just need a good night’s sleep.  A bed frame helps.  A nice hotel and a weekend getaway is cool too.  In the city that never sleeps.  Bigger fish bowl out there for sure. <3 Tim