#and being very despondent and spending time with nick who is basically his only friend

[jumpingjackconst]

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after staying up all night on legal speed fucking around not eating not reading I still have yet to get anything done of substance while I have a presentation for my senior seminar today at 10:50am and am most likely failing my film theory class where I skipped out on giving a presentation for my proposal for our final research paper of which I haven’t even picked the fucking movie yet or watched a movie on the list of options or done fucking anything worthwhile except stay up all night on the internet, watching videos listening to podcasts, not eating, living unhealthy lifestyle and just otherwise being a miserable piece of shit I haven’t told most of my friends at school that I’m not graduating this semester which is a laugh and I’m completely incapable of handling anything with any kind of urgency maturity seriousness or exertion and my mental health is deteriorating at an alarming rate and I don’t know how to even begin to do anything about it ongoing bouts of depression extremely dark thoughts suicidal ideation magical thinking erratic/compulsive/novelty seeking behavior rapid loss of interest in most things the feeling that everyone around me secretly dislikes me talks about the things they don’t like about me behind my back hearing people laughing and thinking it’s about me worsening social anxiety obsessive almost spectrum-like behavior & thought patterns inability to communicate succinctly with friends students teachers strangers unable to rationalize behavior unable to think clearly unable to get basic tasks done thoughtlessly spending money on shitty food to stress eat binge drinking even in th e middle of the week or early afternoon the feeling that people are watching my every move word and breath for things that are wrong or weird seeing people saying hi or waving or nodding and feeling like the exchange was unequal awkward or forced feeling like other people look at me differently feeling like I’m not normal and don’t know how to be personable or more easygoing like most people alienating friends not answering texts or calls delving into endless hours of youtube videos or Wikipedia or times articles or other random useless bullshit feeling like my every waking breath is a waste of time feeling sullen tired exhausted sad constantly wistful pathetic nostalgia for times in high school or cool nights near the water in the summer or school plays times when things were easier and life was less complicated feelings of inferiority feelings of inadequacy feelings of failed potential letting down my parents friends and teachers people I look up to realizing my life probably won’t be great or even very significant like i always assumed it would be realizing how badly I’ve continued to fuck things up every since getting expelled from Suffolk missing friends I don’t talk to as much anymore feeling guilt and sadness over past indiscretions and ways I’ve neglected or mistreated people wishing I could be less aloof more friendly personable naturally funny wishing I was someone who makes easy conversation and never makes people feel uneasy or uncomfortable wishing I was I could relate to people more or that they could relate more to me wishing I could just make some more friends and avoid the crushing loneliness that creeps up every night when I find myself alone at 2am doing nothing and being no one and having nothing to do or say or think about and no one to talk to wondering if my childhood had gone differently that I’d be a different person maybe someone naturally cool someone people want to be around and talk to and spend real meaningful time with thinking back to freshman and sophomore years when I was so fucking lonely and felt awful and alone all the time and felt trapped and unhappy and miserable feeling like those times are back now even though I shouldn’t feel that way because I have some more friends but coming to the conclusion that I feel just as alone, just as sad and pathetic and despicable, helpless like a lost pet constantly scanning rooms when I walk into them looking at people seeing if I recognize anyone someone I know or someone I’ve seen online looking for people to see if they’re looking at me looking at people to gauge how attractive they are or what kind of person they are what they do where they go who their friends wanting to meet people and talk to them and make friends with people that seem interesting or fun or exciting and feeling pathetic for having such pitiful thoughts and being awkward and lame wondering what other people do in their spare time wondering what kinds of parties they go my first party wasn’t until this year feeling like I’m a particularly different kind of fuckup but realizing im really no different than a lot of people and chastising myself for thinking I’m somehow special even in my flaws wondering where people go to parties fantasizing about going to large parties and meeting people I’ve known peripherally for years here but never talked to making friends chatting people up drinking being seen as a normal person someone approachable who people feel comfortable talking to and want to talk to  thinking about death what comes after death famous authors artists musicians who killed themselves slyvia plath david foster wallace john berryman virginia woolf hart crane mark rothko ian curtis nick drake spaulding gray brilliant minds boundless creativity passion life unable to continue finding themselves hopeless despondent ending their lives in sad or ordinary or dramatic ways trying not to romanticize suicide but also unable to shake the ways it seems to give meaning to their lives or work a perfect bookend trying not to think about death trying instead to think about my family and friends but positive thoughts only bringing momentary relief like taking an aspirin for a bullet wound a nagging ever present fogginess in my brain that appears and reappears and never stops coming back always coming back even during times of happiness it waits then reappears feeling it creep up slowly the feeling of despair uselessness desperation ugliness can’t stop picking at my skin making blemishes on my worse waking up some days and looking like a dead or dying person the paleness the lack of life feeling lethargic even after a solid night’s sleep feeling hungry all day not eating enough not putting in enough effort to get three meals a day planning out meals to optimize social conditions because of crippling fear of embarrassment and public humiliation and being seen as awkward or strange lying to my mom lying to my dad listening to music and fantasizing about being a musician performing in front of people being admired and sought after being creative making things people enjoy feeling like a fucking loser for having such thoughts but having them anyway replaying social interactions that just happened except saying the right things or making better conversation or saying something really funny or insightful constantly overhearing conversations and sometimes wanting to join in be a part of the conversation or just have someone look at me like I fucking exist and not ask me why I’m here or what I’m doing here