#and that punk from jacksonville i could fight you too

[00sheven]

real horror show.

my last post got me thinking of the old days. since I dont really have anything new to talk about, ill talk about this. you'll get posts like this from time to time. it's just random shit that crosses my mind during the day, or night when I'm suffering a mind full of racing thoughts taking me in 30 directions at once.

once upon a time.

going back to my past. at this point it seems like a millions years ago. I closed this chapter in my mid 20's

I was angry and I had no conscience and I was strung out. I started at an early age. I was barely in my double didgets when I committed my first burglary. I did it alone.

my friends and I in gulfport used to sneak out in the middle of the night. we used to rob a candy truck up the street from where I lived. at the end of one summer we were so burned out on candy we threw trash bags of it away. one of my friends and I robbed a houses while the people in it were asleep. we almost got caught.

there used to be a lady that lived up the street. she was married. she used to let us come over to her house and feel her up. her husband came home once and my friend and I had to hide in the closet.

I got drunk and smoked my first joint with those guys.

by the time I was in my mid teens I was hanging out with older people doing any kind of dope I could find.

me and my friends in anahiem were breaking into cars and stealing bikes to get money for drugs. at this point I pretty much stopped going to school.

one night I was walking across the park going to meet my friends when I was confronted by two guys who were really angry at me.

one was yelling at me and the other was standing off to the side. out of the blue he hit me in the face with something. I found out later they were nunchucks. when I regained consciousness there was some girl yelling at them.

turns out a week or so before that my friends and I were under the influence of pcp and some of the older tougher guys started shit with them. I didnt remember because I was lit. but they remembered me.

I was sent to live with my dad in Washington. my mom had enough of me so I moved from anahiem. I was going to be put in "a private school" (placement) for a year while my dad went out to sea. I was supposed to live with him in Jacksonville florida when he got back. he died in transit while we were visiting relatives in kansas for the hollidays.

after about a month my mom picked me up and we went to texas where this school was. I was 16 at the time.

the goose's age.

I was there under a year. I escaped with a friend and hitchhiked to California.

chino

my mom had remarried and moved to chino while I was in Washington and texas.

I moved in with them in the summer of 85.

I didnt live there long. I moved in with a friend and lived in his closet. i used to get high with most of my friends parents. we didnt have to go to school.

I started hanging with the local punks.

I joined a local gang and started going to shows and parties. lots of fights lots of violence.

I remember going to a back yard party in hacienda heights. it was a set up. I got jumped by at least 10 dudes. my friend almost had his throat cut. it was the first time I was shot at.

most of the key members of that gang (middle class kids) graduated high school and went off to college.

a couple of the guys and I went to college too.

we joined another gang from L.A., one that had been around. one that has a reputation. it was the real thing. I did that for about a year or so and decided to get out. I was dealing with being broke and homeless. plus a few months after I got out I had some drama with them. it bums me out to think about it.

after that I took a step back. my chino friends were serious enough. there was a lot of drugs and girls and drugs and parties and drugs... well you get the picture.

I was probably 23 or 24 now.

I had played guitar since I was in my early teens.

a friend offered me a job playing bass in thier band.

a couple of years after that my sister had moved in with my mom with my neice who was maybe 2 or 3 at that time. everyone worked so they needed some to watch her during the day.

it got me off the street.

it was a wild ride, I had to at the very least live 5 to 6 lifetimes in that time period.

of course this is the barest of minimums as far as cliff notes go.

I look on it with mixed emotions. sometimes I'm proud of it.

i look back on those days with a longing. I had power, money, sometimes. most of the time I didn't need it. my family took care of me.

I feel that way when on the rare occasion I speak to some of them. it's kind of like one of those psycho conversations you hear in mob movies when they are talking about horrific shit and laughing and reminiscing like it was an old football game.

did I hurt people. yes.

sometimes I just cringe thinking about it.

at the very least I know what I'm capable of doing. good and bad.

I know my darkside very well.

I am not my past.

I am not that person.

but it made me who I am today.

and I accept it.

I think it made me a better person because I have a unique understanding of poverty, violence' self medication, anger.

dont judge. you weren't in my shoes. you didnt have to live through it. well I take that back there are a couple of you that read this that were there.

I'm not trying to glorify it.

the only reason I'm posting it is because it illustrates some of my background so you as a reader can get to know me better.

isn't that the point.

its record of my time.

here's a song that reminds me of those days.

Running away, something better ahead

But you gotta think fast before it's too late

Just one cut around your head

Just one minute and you'll call me dead

You better watch out for the razors in the night

You better leave out the razors in the night

Backstreet boys wear boots and braces

Razor blades and angry faces

Too much tension, too much fear

What the hell are we doing here

Murder is the biggest prize in sport

Cause violence is the only game you've been taught

A pool of warm blood is your prize

Or a cold blade across your eyes.

if you would like a taste of the 80's as far as the L.A. punk scene went (which was riddled with gang violence) check out this book. keep in mind we all knew each other back in those days ( and if you didn't know the person personally you knew at least 10 if their friends) when it was for real.

one of my favorite jokes is "I was punk rock when it was called HEY FAGGOT.

believe me it was not the popular choice when I got into it. you were hated, and beaten up. now it's just a phase kids through. a fashion trend. it is everything that was despised when it started.

I wasn't in LMP either.

41020

a clockwork orange bedroom scene beethoven

blitz razors in the night

discos out murders in trailer.

[c8opotato-blog]

// MIDNIGHT \\ something i wrote a while ago

just a little author’s note:

i wrote this at a hard time in my life a while ago so that explains the lack of fluency and style in this piece of work. and yes it is an ashton irwin fanfic but it wasn’t intentionally an ashton fanfic at first i pictures luke hemmings as ash but now i picture rami malek as “my night in shining armor”. another little note, this story doesnt have a happy ending however i have created many versions of this storyline with many alternate endings and the only one i could find on this device was my least favorite, sappy, predictable and happy ending. also, i don’t aim to write happy endings i only deliver what people with to read and the reason to that is because life has no happy endings. maybe that’s just my perception and outlook on life, but that’s the way i like to portray it. and lastly, if you do wish to repost this or add on to this story or anything like that, please give credit as this is my story. the characters and the aftermath of this ‘story’ is fictional and over exaggerated, the initial plot is non-fictional.

—————————————————

// Midnight \

Many people ask, “What would you do if was your last day?” There’s an infinite number of things you could say, see your loved ones, tell that special someone that you love them. But you would probably won’t ever get to do that one thing you desperately want to do before you die, you’ll never know when it will truly be your last day.

Kayleigh Morgan has suffered with a long term battle of depression and anxiety ever since her world crumbled, right in front of her. It was that day she that she had decided to give up the battle, and stop fighting, when she encountered someone who she’d seen around, but never spoken to, who could change her life for good this time…

“You’re afraid to live, yet you’re afraid to die.”

*Kayleigh’s POV*

Darkness all around me, except from the slight glow of the street lights. Pressed against my back, the bitter chill of the rusted railing. A few modernistic cars whizzing past every now and then, but other than that, I am completely alone in this world of noise. Below my feet, the battered broken down ledge. And below that, an one hundred foot drop into the current peaceful and still water. “Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody just please, take me home?” I think to myself, worriedly. There’s no backing down now, I left the note, they no longer think that I’m alive. Just focus on the water, focus on the water. I focus on the calm, flowing river, contemplating when or if I jump. If I don’t, I could live somewhere, alone, all by myself, where no one would know me. But they would find me, I just can’t risk it!

I take a long slow, deep breath, and cautiously step forward, closer to the drop of death and darkness. This is it. This is need end. Suddenly, I feel something pressed against my back, and something strongly wrapped around my waist. My breathing hitches at the sudden, surprise contact. I start to panic, I cry, I thrash my arms around, trying to step forward, closer to the edge, but the thing wrapped around my waist, pulls me into its giant frame. “Don’t. Don’t do it. I feel the same way about myself, but I can’t let someone as talented and as beautiful as you do this.” The thing whispers into my ear. The thing had a deep and raspy voice, and I could feel their hot, tickling breath caress my neck. “Why don’t we step back, behind the railing where it’s safe? What do you say?” I nod my head vigorously, the tears from my eyes, flying away from my face into the empty darkness. Their hand’s still around my waist, as they guide me over, the railing, back to where it was safe, and away from the terrible fate I could have had. I turn around slowly, and carefully, ready to see who had just saved me from myself. He had dark, voluminous hair, with colourful vibrant highlights. He wore tight, ripped black jeans, which were frayed amongst the seams. He didn’t have a jacket on, so his sun kissed, tattooed, bare arms were on show. He looked familiar, live I had seen him before. But then it hit me. The person who saved me from killing myself, was Ashton Irwin, the biggest, punk asshole of the entire school. Why would he do that? “Thanks…” I mumble, avoiding all eye contact. I shift all of my weight onto my left foot. A few tears still sliding down my icy, raw face.

“You should be at home, not out here, you’ll catch your death… wait! I-I didn’t mean…” “No, no it’s fine… I don’t really have a home to go to anymore… Any way, why are you out here then?” I finally have the confidence to look him in the eyes. I am mesmerised by them. Even in this light, you could see the warm toned gold, in his green eyes, they were just outstandingly beautiful. “I was taking a walk, before I left.” “Left to go where?” “Algoe, New York.” “Isn’t that like nineteen hours away?” “Yeah. I wanted to leave this deadbeat town, and go somewhere, where nobody knew me.” “Are you still going?” “Only if you’re okay…” I had only met this guy five minutes ago, yet I feel like I have known him for years. It feels to me like we have an unmistakable connection, as cheesy as it might sound. But it’s true. “Can I come with you?” I ask him with the most pleading eyes. He looks down at me, into my eyes, to see if I truly want to do this, and I do. “If you’re sure about it.” He tells me with a warm, attractive smile. “Definitely.”

If anybody had just watched this whole thing just happen, they’d be thinking: “This girl is such an idiot. This guy is known as the most biggest asshole of the whole school, and she is running away to a place, very far from home with him.” But that’s the thing. He doesn’t seem like this asshole, everyone makes him out to be.

Everyone said that he doesn’t care about anyone else apart from himself. But he just saved me from killing myself. If what they said wasn’t true, then the rest of it might not be true. I’m willing to see what he’s really like, underneath his stereotype of a punk asshole.

His car wasn’t small, but it wasn’t overly big either. It was just right. It was nice and cosy, with a warm scented aroma. It was sort of like a home, there were blankets and a few pillows scattered amongst the back seats, and various different types of chargers and adapters lying around the car. “It’s not much I guess… but it’ll do.” He shrugs while looking behind him, at the back seats of the car, with a smug look on his face. “W-Were you going to live here?” I ask him, a bit cluelessly. He chuckles at my confusion, and turns back around, looking ahead and buckles his seat belt. “No, no, I have money for motels and stuff. I’ve been saving up for years! I’ve always wanted to leave here ya know?” “Really? So did I, well I guess you already knew that…” I look down at my lap, and then I remember. I too, had saved up all of my money for a long time, I’m not sure why, I just did. Of course I didn’t leave it at home when I tried to jump, I kept it with me so none of my greedy family could take it.

I reach into my bra and pull out hundreds of pounds all rolled up, and held together by an elastic band. “Woah! Kayleigh! Did you know that you were going to meet me and that we were going to run away or something?” He chuckles, looking at me in a loving way. I don’t think he’s ever really looked at anyone like that before. Perhaps I was the first?

No, Kayleigh, No.

Walls. You built walls for a reason. You can’t fall for him. He’s your last chance. “It’s complicated I guess.” I shrug him off, starting to count the money. A couple days prior to tonight, I exchanged all of the money I had, and could find, into $100 bills. 100, 100, 100… £4700. I didn’t even realise that I had that much money. Perhaps it’ll be enough to get a place for a while. Something cheap, but secluded. “I don’t wanna be a burden or anything Ashton-” I start, gesturing for him to take my money, but he cuts me off. ”No, no Kay, we’re going to get through this together! Today was just a horrible, terrible day for you, and I’m going to help you to get better… and I hope you’ll do the same for me…” He whispered the last part, it was barely audible, but I still heard him.

Hours later, we both began to become tired, and delirious. “Hey Ash, we should stop somewhere, we could both do with some rest, and some food.” The mention of food made my stomach ache, realising that I probably haven’t eaten in over ten hours. “Yeah, we’re driving into a city now, I think, hopefully there will be a hotel which isn’t dodgy looking.” He chuckles, as I remember all of the dodgy looking hotels we had passed on our way here.

Five minutes later, we finally find a nice looking hotel, we pull up into the car park, and get out of Ashton’s cosy car. We walk to the main entrance, and up to the front desk. “Hello, good evening. Room for two?” The middle aged woman asks us, looking both of us up and down, and then smiling, looking back at our faces.

Ashton and I exchange looks with each other, not knowing what to say. “It’ll save money…” I mumble to Ashton quietly, hoping he heard. “Yes please, thank you.” He tells the lady with a sweet, attractive smile.

The woman bends down, most likely to find us a key, a few seconds later, coming back up, and handing us two key cards and a few leaflets and brochures. “Your key cards, and a few leaflets about the hotel facilities, and what you can do here in Charleston.” Wait what? “Charleston? As in Charleston in South Carolina?” I ask her not a hundred percent believing what I’m hearing. “The very same.” “Oh… okay, thanks…” We turn to the direction of the elevators, ready to sleep into the early hours of the afternoon, when the lady calls after us. “Wait, so if you’re not around from here, then where are you from?” “Jacksonville, Florida.”

Ashton opens the door slowly, trying to give the dramatic effect, like in the movies. But as soon as he closed the door behind us, we were in pitch black darkness.

We stumble around for a few seconds, trying to find a light switch. “Well that didn’t go as planned.” He says as he flicks the switch.

I look around. The room is a fairly good size, a bit on the smaller side but it’ll be alright. There’s a bed in the centre of the room, it was complete with white, crispy creaseless sheets and a fluffy purple blanket, and cushions to match. There were little lamps fixed to the white walls, which were the only given light source. “Cosy.” I comment, looking around the room one last time, then looking up at Ashton, giving him a little smile. “Yeah. So… the bed situation… I’ll sleep on the floor, I’ll use the spare blanket and pillows-” “No, no, you don’t have to. We could sleep together, I guess… Wait no, not in that way, I meant-” Ashton cut me off, with a giggle. “I know what you meant, and I’d be happy to.” I chuckle as well, walking over to the bed. Then I remembered, I don’t have any clothes with me. “Fuck,” I curse under my breath, “I don’t have any clothes…” “Don’t worry, you could wear one of my shirts.” He offers, bringing the black faux leather bag, which I didn’t know that he had, up onto the bed. He unzips the bag which revealed two weeks worth of clothes, which were mostly of the dark kind, the ones you’d get from Hot Topic, band tees and such.

He hands me black fine knit sweater, and some black joggers. “Thanks.” I tell him sincerely, not just for the clothes, for everything.

* * *

She wakes up in the middle of the night, and tries not to wake up Ashton. She untangles herself from him, and puts back on her clothes from a few hours ago. She closes the door behind her, after turning the light off, trying not to think about anything other than what she’s about to do.

Walking along the bridge, once more stepping over the railing, and looking down at the darkness before her. *** Ashton wakes up, to find nothing but coldness and empty space beside him. Except a folded up piece of the hotel monogram paper. He picks up the paper, and unfolds it. “Ashton, I’m sorry…

I guess I fell for you…

But you just can’t help someone like me…” *** Kayleigh hears footsteps behind her once again, like a few hours before. But they stop a few metres behind her. “Kayleigh please don't… I fell for you too-” But it was too late.

*Kayleigh’s POV*

Someone’s poking my side. I hear whimpering mumbles a few inches away from me. I slowly open my eyes, and turn my head to my right.

I see Ashton, throwing his tattooed arms about in the air, thrashing around. He’s half shouting something, but I can’t really make out what he’s saying. “K-Kay…! N-Nooooo!” I think he’s dreaming about me… does this mean he cares?

I turn on my side, and put my hand on Ashton’s sweaty, sticky, inked torso, and start shake him slightly, trying to wake him up. “Hey… Ash… I’m here, wake up! Please…” All of a sudden, he gasps and sits up straight, almost knocking me back down onto the bed. “Kayleigh!” He exclaims, engulfing me into a huge, sticky hug. His tattooed, toned arms wrapped tightly, around my small frame. It was like he didn’t want to let go. “Thank God…” he mumbles into the crook of my neck. “Do you wanna talk about it?” I ask him, curiosity taking control of my voice. I lift my head up, from his shoulder, looking up at his pale, worried, almost distraught facial expression. “I would… but I-” He starts off but stops mid sentence. He looks up at my concerned face, and brings one of his abnormally large hands up to my cheek. He carefully rests his forehead against mine, and looks into my eyes. “Kay… I can call you that right?” “Yeah.” I whisper, nodding my head slightly. “I had seen you around school and stuff, before tonight… you intrigued me, you could say…” “What are you trying to say?” I quietly giggle, bringing my hands closer to him. “I’m trying to say that… I’ve always wanted to talk to you, get to know you, before tonight, I just never had the guts… I thought you were gorgeous, stunningly beautiful, you were someone way out of my league but not in a stuck up, obnoxious way… I’m sorry… I’m rambling…” He looks down, trying not to show his blushing cheeks. “No, no carry on.” I urge him on, kindly. “I-uh… I could that you were different, a good kind of different, and I loved that about you… in a sense I’m kinda happy that I met you tonight… and I hope you know that’d I’d never let you go…” “Hmmm” I close my eyes, enjoying the sound of Ashton’s raspy voice, it was so soothing, like music to my ears. “I don’t know if it’s too soon or not, I don’t want to overwhelm you… but I like you, you know?” “I guess I like you too, even if it has only been like eight hours since we first started speaking… it feels like we’ve been speaking for years, cliché, I know…” He chuckles as he brings his other giant hand up to my other cheek, and holds my face in his hands. He gives me a huge smile, and looks into my eyes. “I don’t want to start something so soon, it’s not that I don’t, it’s just, it’s just that I don’t want to rush things… you seem like the only person I can trust… I uh-I-uh” “Don’t worry about it… we’ll take things slow okay? Let’s not start straight away… we could ease into things, to make us both more comfortable?” Ashton gives me another big smile. “I’d like that.” * * * Ashton wanted to take things slow with Kayleigh, but not just for her. For himself as well. He was similar to Kayleigh in a way. He had felt the same as she did that night. That’s why he wanted to leave. He wanted to be away from everyone who made him feel like nothing. But then he saw her about to do the thing he thought of doing. He had to stop her. And he did. But why couldn’t he do the same to himself, as he did to her? He saved her from herself. But could she save him from himself?

| Four Months Later |

“Come on Ash, please, for me?” I plead, he looks up at me, his eyes devoid of enthusiasm, they were different from the way they were months ago. He’s been in bed for the past week, only ever leaving to go to the toilet. He looks paler, and skinner then he did four months ago when we left Jacksonville.

He groans, closing his eyes, and shifting a little. “Please, baby… get out of bed, don’t let it be like this…” I beg again, for the fourth time today, it was half three in the afternoon, and he hasn’t even gotten out of bed to go to the toilet. I’m close to tears, I’ve never seen someone just like this before, it was frightening. I’ve tried to help so much, but he just blocks me out.

I settle down on the bed, by his head. I lean back into the pillows we had set up a couple of months ago, when we first moved into our apartment. “Talk to me, please, I hate not hearing your voice… I miss it, I miss you.” I fiddle with the curled ends of his hair while speaking, after finishing, he looks up with sorry eyes. “I-I’m sorry…” He apologises, tears prickling in his sorrowful eyes. “No, no, no. I didn’t mean- it’s not your fault, it’s just that I miss talking, the way we used to…” Salty tears were freely flowing down both of our faces at this point. “So do I… but I don’t mean to be like this-” “No one does baby, no one asks for this… we were born with it…” I mumbled the last part, but it was true.

He looks down at his hands, obviously embarrassed. “Baby, like you said to me four months ago, we all have bad days, some worse than others, but we have to power through it. Together. Ashton, when I agreed with you, I meant it. Not for you to only help me, for me to help you as well. I-I love you…” It wasn’t too soon was it? We’ve been living together for four months, but only having a romantic relationship for two. But it felt right saying those words.

And I hope he reciprocates the feelings I have towards him.

| two and a half (roughly) years later |

“And I knew from that day we first spoke, it was something special. It wasn’t the ideal way to start a relationship, but something was there, and you couldn’t ignore it. We were two very similar people that night, so we knew what each other was feeling. I helped you that night, and weeks after, and you helped me without a second thought. You are and were everything I could ever wish for, and nothing could change that. I love everything about you. Your hair, your eyes, the way you laugh and the way you smile. To me you are perfect, and I hope you know that.

So, I take you to be my best friend, my faithful partner, and my one true love. I promise to encourage you and inspire you and to love you truly through good times and bad. I will forever be there to laugh with you, to you up when you are down and to love you unconditionally through all of our adventures in life together.

And I hope I’ve been doing most of that already, but I will honestly and truly, love and cherish you until the day I die.”

The feelings are requited, and hopefully always will be.