#and then theres men who write poetry and music and the passion they have is what spurns them on! and its so breathtakingly beautiful

[m00kieblaylock]

Please enjoy my personal essay on why Hozier has ruined me for all potential men.

Okay so I need to get this off my chest because I realised something last night and I have been overthinking myself into panic attacks ever since.

So, I’m 25 and have no experience in relationships, I go back on forth on being terrified and wanting to try dating. It’s not like I’m not interested in the male species because there’s definitely an attraction there, but theres just also a whole lot of self-doubt and bullshit in my own way. But I do think about it and have my whole post puberty life.

I have always found the idea of ‘types’ kind of ridiculous, like having a list of the exact person that you’re looking for. It is reductive and shallow and I don’t think it’s helpful to make your way around the world looking for someone to fit into such a specific mould that you ignore negative behaviour or turn away good people. Plus, I am such an emotional and intense person that there are so many little and specific things that I find attractive in people, I couldn’t possibly have a list that long of things that a person needs to fulfil for me to love them. It’s scientifically impossible, right? 

In saying that, I have known that I find males very attractive since maybe ago 5? So over my life, like all people you build up things that make you feel giddy and tingly and smiley and you just generally appreciate in another human. So, to be totally shallow and make that list, of the person in the idealist of ideal worlds and fully surrendering to the fact that it makes me the most basic bitch alive - Fuck it man. Here is my list of my perfect partner.

- Tall - something evolutionary here I think.

- Irish or Scottish - something so visceral to my person has the most intense feelings to these accents. 

- Green/Blue/Hazel eyes - basic, I know.

- Bit of a nerd. Intelligence with passion not pretension is the greatest possible attribute a person can have.

- Good sense of humour, doesn’t take themselves too seriously. Good smile and laugh goes with this too.

- Caring, kind and compassionate - doesn’t discriminate in this. Cares for those everywhere. Racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism and just general asshole or apathetic to others lives and suffering is my number 1 deal breaker. Someone who is aware of the world and who is genuinely caring. Just a good dude.

- Loves dogs. Again probably a deal breaker.

- Feminist values - and outspoken about it. Although they can set their ego aside to make room for women in public spaces.

- Politically minded and vocal about the things they care about.

- Long hair. Especially curls. Drives me insane on pretty much any human.

- Loves the cold. Men in jumpers, jackets and scarves are my incredibly specific favourite thing in the whole world.

- Nice brows - bonus if they have nice lashes.

- Nice hands

- Loves music. Especially if we have a lot of tastes in common. Overall, just having a passion for music is such a bonus. Another massive bonus but would never be a must is musical and vocal talent - it’s just hot let’s be honest.

- Good to their Mama.

- Would be good and kind to me. When you have a physical disability and anxiety - this is pretty important. I’ve had friends that have this is spades. Helpful, kind and make me feel comfortable around them and good about myself. It’s one of those things that I recognise in good people often. And it makes me gun shy to date because that is something I’ve seen in people but would have to be on a different level in a partner.

So, that’s it. Thats probably the most extensive and specific list I could write. When I meet people, if I’ve ever gotten a vibe or felt something, obviously I would never expect someone to fill all elements. Humans don’t generally work like that. 

THEN IN WALKS THE BIGGEST FUCKING BABE I’VE EVER SEEN.

So, I’ve listened to and loved his first album pretty casually the last few years but didn’t know a whole lot about him. I love my music probably more than anything on the planet, it is the greatest thing we have on this God forsaken hole. I take it quite seriously. So I’m fucking around on Spotify 3-4 weeks ago, finding new songs I love as you do. Then Hozier comes on, I think to myself, “Oh I haven’t listened to him in a while. Been meaning to check out that new album. I do like his voice quite a bit.’ So, naturally I turn to the internet and start the old stalking ritual when you find something new that makes you feel something. Next thing I know, I’m falling in love - I had no idea I had been missing out on this human for YEARS. 

Then last night I fully realise why I’m feeling something so intense. HE LITERALLY CHECKS EVERY WONDERFUL THING ABOUT HUMANS I COULD LOVE. Every. Single. One. Like, I’ve heard him pronounce my last name - so many people mispronounce it but he didn’t. And my name is Molly - Nobody?

Even a few little things that are so specific I couldn’t even make it up. Like is this an alternative universe? Am I dreaming? Am I dead? Maybe. Just maybe. I might just be insane. Probable.

- I have a strong personal connection to the name Andrew. My uncle’s name was Andrew and he passed away when I was a little girl so I never got to know him. But he was my mother’s brother and best friend so has always been present in my everyday life. It is a deep pain I feel because I know we would’ve been really close. Even though I don’t remember him I know that I love him a lot and his memory and how I live my life is affected by who he was. I’ve always had thoughts and imaginations of someone special with that name being in my life.

- I feel an intense attachment to Ireland. Most of my family is from there and it’s number one on my bucket list.

- I was always an English nerd at school. I took all English, Literature and writing/language subjects at school because I just love words, writing and poetry so much. I love the way people can use so few perfectly chosen words to convey emotion so beautifully.

- The Blues Brother is in my top 3 favourite movies of all time. My brother and I used to watch it all the time as kids because it was something we both loved. He loved the humour and car chases - I loved the music most. So much so, that Elwood is on my list of names if I have children - I saw an interview the other day and that’s his dogs name? What the fuck man, honestly. 

I fully understand that no one will read this. I know this is the incredibly weird, probably too personal, and outlandish rant of an insane woman. But in summary, I just love that an incredible man like Andrew Hozier-Byrne exists. I am so grateful for the stunning music he has created, the intellectual and political stimulation I have had from watching him speak. I am so grateful that someone is out there fighting for what they believe in so gracefully and giving me serious faith in humanity. I have felt less depressed, less anxious and overly more productive lately - I think that it could be connected.

Okay, glad I got that out of my system. lol

#Hozier