#anytime I write an essay's worth of bullshit I always think of that one doctor who told me I didn't need to see anyone for mental health cuz

[kittlyns]

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here but there's a lot going on and I'm on my period so I'm just a fucking wreck right now.

It's so hard. Reaching out to people. Like, actually impossible. It's just not something I'm capable of. So when something goes wrong in my life, I honestly just don't bring it up to anyone around me. And I know I'm supposed to. Like my grandma tells me my mom has been venting to her and I'm like, oh that's right. That's something mothers and daughters should do. But not me, cuz my mom is dealing with enough on her own, so I can't bother her with my petty shit. Okay, my siblings? God no. I'm the eldest, I'm the one who's supposed to keep it together, I can't fucking drag them down in the muck with me just so I have... what, catharsis??? That's fucking doubtful. More like arming them with future ammunition against me so they can bring up how fucking crazy I am. Gonna pass on that one.

Then it's like, well that's what friends are for, right? I should reach out to my best friends and look for support and comfort. I know they'd willingly give it. But that feels weak and pathetic and vulnerable and they've got enough on their plates without babying me, so I'll just fill them in when everything is better. Or maybe not at all. Who knows. But I'm not gonna bother anyone about shit they can't control or understand just so I can feel even worse afterwards.

But they find out anyways. Cuz of course they do. And then my voice shakes and the veneer slips and they see me for what I am. And then they're disappointed that I didn't go to them! And I feel terrible over that!! But how do you even begin to explain it all. How do you explain that they will never be able to understand the complexities of it all? That yeah, it's one situation, but it goes much deeper than even I'm aware, and the only 2 people I can think to talk to were raised too well by people in much better situations that opening up about it all would make me feel like a goddamn charity case!!

Like, oh, sorry, it's not that I don't trust you with my vulnerability, it's more that I trusted someone in the past and they were also going through some shit and I mistook their silence for annoyance and I know better now but that feeling of rejection embedded itself in me and has not let go of me in nearly 10 years. How do I tell someone, "you fundamentally changed the way I interact with people, forever and ever, but I know you didn't mean to and I'm not mad at you-"? You don't. I don't. Oh, you're going back 9 years? Really?? That's a little- Yes, excessive, I know. But wait! We actually have to go back to when I was 4 to truly understand this situation! Matter of fact, let's just say it all started the day I was born to reallyyy make sure we cover the intricacies of it all!

God. How fucking dramatic. How exhausting. Can't you just say "Here's what's going on," and when people say "Oh No! It'll get better soon 🥺" you just smile and say Thank You, I Know like the good robot you are?? Never mind that it's pointless to even have that conversation, because I can fucking lie to myself all day long, that's what I DO babyyyy, I don't need fucking help there. No, if I'm truly going to sit down and talk about how I feel, you need to know EVERYTHING. And there lies the problem. Who even wants to hear all that? Who would care enough, still love you after? And if they did, what does that say about them? Probably nothing, but let me spiral a little farther and I can come up with something, I'm sure.

But going back to 9 years ago, idek why I'm blaming them for me being like this. Honestly, this is who I was always going to end up as. I can't even cry without holding my breath cuz I don't want anyone to hear me. I even do it totally alone. Been doing that little trick since I was 5 or 6, AT LEAST. Of course there's a part of me that craves being able to lean on someone's shoulder and just letting the dam break, but I know it'll never happen. I am physically and mentally incapable of letting anyone see me like that.

All that to say. I am stuck in the same place I've always been. I am incapable of reaching out to people I love for support, and think I am doing them a favor by not doing so. In turn, this alienates me from them even further. I am alone. I don't have to be, but I am. Conclusion... accept the empty platitudes because that's likely all I will ever be able to accept?

God. Again, how devastatingly sad. The connection and support I need and want will forever be out of reach bc I'm behind a wall of my own construction. I'm totally aware of this but I just cannot. change. Whatever.

#ignore. please. #like that goddamn dog in the life I always wanted comic..... #anytime I write an essay's worth of bullshit I always think of that one doctor who told me I didn't need to see anyone for mental health cuz #it seems like I 'cope well'. #just have to laugh. am I still coping well doctor??? am I doing a good job being aware???? #what good is awareness if you can't change anything. age old question. #anyways. good night.