#anyways gotta go study for my math test tomorrow wish me luck guys

[ificanthaveu]

Pep Talks, Braids and Good Luck Charms || The DropBack || Shawn Mendes

Description: The homecoming game is here and Matthew and Elsie are noticing everything you hoped they wouldn’t.

A/N: completely winged this chapter since the only thing i had in my notes for it was “homecoming game, jersey” so i just kinda went with it but i’m actually super happy with how it turned out bc we got a lil bit of drama and insight as to why you are the way you are (kind of...it’s introduced at least)

Word Count: 2.2k

Catch up before you read this part: The DropBack Masterlist

“Hey, [Y/L/N],” Shawn said as he bumped his shoulder against yours as he walked up next to you in the hallway. He held up a paper in his hand with a big smile on his face. You gave him a look as you tried to see what the paper was.

“What you got there, Mendes?” You said as you motioned to the paper he held in front of you. He shrugged his shoulders as he tried to hide the smile on his face.

“Oh, nothing, no big deal. Just an A- on my Physics lab,” he said as you finally ripped the paper out of his hand. 

“You’re kidding,” you said as you smiled over at him. A blush formed on his cheeks as you flipped through his report and looked over his work and the teacher’s comments. “I can’t believe this! You did so good!” Your happiness radiated off you.

“That would be a D- if it wasn’t for you. You’ve literally saved my grade, and I can’t thank you enough,” he said as you handed him the papers back. It was your turn to blush as you looked the opposite way for a moment. 

“It’s not all me. You gotta do the work, too. And you’re trying so hard, and I’m really damn proud of you!” You said as you grabbed his arm and shook him. “Also, you only asked me, like, two questions about this lab. This was all you, hun.”

Shawn couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as you praised him for all of his hard work. At this point, he wasn’t sure if he was trying to work on his Physics grade to get into his dream college or just to make you proud. He’d let himself think it was both. 

“You nervous about tomorrow at all?” You asked as the two of you finally stopped in front of his locker. He shrugged his shoulders as he opened his locker and threw his books in there. 

“Yes and no?” He said as he looked over at you.

“Why the confusion?” You said through a giggle. He shrugged his shoulders again as he shut his locker and continued to walk with you to the library for your free period.

“I think we can beat them. Adams has been really good this year, but I think we’ve been better. But the whole team has let this get to their head, and that’s the kind of attitude that ends up with us losing the game,” Shawn rambled as he talked with his hands. “I just don’t want a loss to get in the way of our weekend.”

“And it won’t,” you said as you tried to contain your heart beating out of your chest at how he said ‘our weekend.’ You took a deep breath and continued, “I don’t care if you win or not. Of course, I want you to win, but it won’t be the end of the world if you don’t. You just gotta care about yourself. If you honestly tried your hardest, then that’s all that matters,” you said as the two of you sat down at a table in the back corner.

“You give good pep talks, [Y/L/N],” he said with that smirk on his face.

“I’ve given just a few too many in my lifetime,” you said as you pulled out your binder from your backpack. “I’d like to think I’m pretty good with words.”

“You’re really good with words. I, on the other hand, am not,” Shawn said as he gave you a look.

You rolled your eyes at him. “You are doing fantastic today with tearing yourself down. Boost that confidence, Mendes. You need it.”

“Yeah,” he trailed off as he stared down at the empty table in front of him. 

You began to work on the math assignment in front of you as you barely noticed Shawn just sitting there. 

“Will you wear my jersey?” He finally blurted out. 

You looked over at him, and you could see his hand shaking on the table. You smiled at him and nodded your head.

“Of course I will,” you said softly. “Is that really why you were so nervous?”

Shawn sighed as he leaned back in his chair and ran his hands through his hair. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled. You kept your laugh to yourself as he looked over at you again. “Don’t laugh,” he said as he hung his head back. 

“You’re ridiculous sometimes, Mendes. Star of the football team, heartthrob of the school, already asked me to homecoming, and you could barely ask me to wear your jersey?” You questioned as he leaned his head on his hand and looked at you.

“You make me nervous,” he said just barely loud enough for you to hear. He dropped his head into his arms on the table as you couldn’t wipe the smile off your face or the blush on your cheeks. You gave him a moment to mope before speaking up again.

“Alright, bud. We’ve got a Physics test next Wednesday, so grab your binder so we can get studying,” you said as you tapped on the back of his head. 

He groaned as he pulled out his binder and flipped to his practice problems. The two of you were silent as you both worked on the first one.

“I don’t get it,” he finally said after a few moments of silence.

“Of course you don’t,” you whispered. He shoved your shoulder lightly before you leaned over and began to explain the problem to him, but he didn’t hear a word of it. Instead, he watched as you explained it, occasionally motioning around to get your point across.

He was definitely fucked.

—

“I was told to give this to you,” Matthew said as he gave you a look and handed you the jersey in his hands. You blushed as you grabbed it out of his hands and threw it in your locker. Elsie grabbed it out before you could shut it.

“You’re wearing his jersey?” She said just a little too loud as you grabbed it back and shut it in your locker.

“God, keep it down,” you whispered to her as you pushed her away from your locker. 

“What? Everyone will see it tomorrow,” she complained.

“And it’ll look just like the jersey I wear every other time when I leave my hair down,” you told her as you avoided both of their eye contact.

“What’s your problem?” Matthew said in a slightly-too-harsh voice. 

“I like Shawn. He’s great. But I don’t want the whole damn school thinking we’re together when we’re not.”

“What’s so bad about people thinking you’re together? It’s bound to happen eventually,” Elsie said. 

“I don’t think it will,” you mumbled.

“You’re joking, right?” Matthew said through a laugh. Elsie shot him a look, and he quickly caught on to what was going on. 

Everyone stayed silent as the three of you continued walking towards the field for Matthew’s practice.

“You have to stop thinking that nothing good is ever going to come to you,” Matthew finally whispered. You were about to say something when he held his hand up and stopped you. “I get it, but it’s obvious that Shawn really likes you. Don’t push him away just because you think you don’t deserve something good.”

You didn’t say anything. It had always been an unspoken thing. Finding love, a boyfriend, someone to like you, wasn’t a thing you all talked about anymore. You snapped any time Matthew tried to set you up or Elsie questioned you about a guy you were talking to. Eventually, they just dropped it. Until Shawn showed up.

“It’s not worth it, Matthew. I know nothing is going to come of this,” you replied.

“Why can’t it?” He tested.

“It’s senior year. I just met him. We’re out of here in a few months. We’ll probably end up going to different colleges. I fuck everything up anyway. Do you need me to keep going? Or are those enough reasons?” You said to Matthew as you could feel the frustration hitting you. You started taking deep breaths to try to calm yourself down as they both stayed quiet.

“Hey, guys!” You heard from behind you as Shawn jogged up to the three of you. You plastered a smile on your face as you all said hello and acted like nothing was going on. You talked as you made your way to the field to drop Matthew and Shawn off before you and Elsie would head home.

You stood by the gate for a minute as you watched Matthew and Shawn make their way to the center of the field.

“Listen,” Elsie started.

“Don’t,” you warned. 

“No, shut up for once,” Elsie snapped. You stayed silent. “I get it. You haven’t really had many great love influences in your life, let alone a relationship of your own, but that doesn’t mean it’s completely hopeless. Yeah, it’s senior year, but who cares if he isn’t the love of your life? He can easily be a guy you date through the rest of the year and then decide your better off as friends. Not everything is as black and white as you think it is. I see you with him. You melt every time he looks at you, but any time we bring him up after he walks away, your walls go up again. You’re allowed to enjoy this.”

“That’s easy for you to say when you met the love of your life sophomore year of high school,” you said as you leaned back on the fence and kicked at the gravel. “El, I wish I could just be open to it like everyone else is, and trust me, I’ve tried, but it’s not that easy.”

Elsie threw her arm around your shoulder as the two of you began to walk to her car. 

“I know, I get it. Just don’t count Shawn out just yet.”

—

You didn’t wear your hair down the next day. Instead, you put it into two braids down your back, so everyone could tell that it wasn’t your last name across your jersey. Even if you didn’t believe this, you were at least going to show everyone you were making an effort. 

The school was loud that morning. Everyone was buzzing about plans for that night and for the rest of the weekend. Your school colors were extra everywhere as everyone dressed in them as well as decorated the walls. 

You walked up to Elsie and Matthew, and you obviously saw the look they gave each other when they noticed the jersey and the hair. 

“Don’t say anything,” you warned. 

“I would never,” Matthew said as he gave you the sweetest smile. 

You felt an arm around your shoulder and looked up to see Shawn. He winked at you.

“There’s something different about you. Is that a new jersey?” 

“Oh, this old thing? Nope, same one I’ve worn every game for the past three years,” you teased as he rolled his eyes at you. The bell rang, and Elsie slammed her locker and motioned for you to go to first period. 

“You look good in my jersey, [Y/L/N],” he yelled after you as you walked away. You turned around and looked at him as he leaned against the locker and waited for Matthew. 

“Thanks, Mendes,” you said before turning around, your braids ending up over your shoulders, with ‘Mendes’ completely visible. 

—

This was not an easy game. You and Elsie have been gripping each other's hands for most of it as the score kept going back and forth. As much as you didn’t want this to impact tomorrow, you knew Matthew and Shawn would take this to heart.

There were thirty seconds left of the final quarter, and Monroe was down by six. All they had to do was make the touchdown and the extra point, and they’d have the game. 

You kept your eyes on Shawn as the quarterback yelled ‘hut,’ and he darted to the far corner of the end zone. Everything went in slow motion as the quarterback threw the ball towards Shawn. Like a movie, Shawn caught it perfectly, and the stands erupted. 

You and Elsie couldn’t stop screaming as you jumped up and down with the rest of the student section. 

The kicker scored the extra point, and you and Elsie were sprinting to the exit to wait for Matthew and Shawn. 

Matthew came out first, sprinting towards Elsie as she jumped into his arms and non-stop congratulated him. You were obviously distracted until you felt an arm wrap around your waist from behind, lift you up and spin you around. A laugh erupted from your chest as Shawn finally set you down, and you turned and saw his beaming smile. You reached up and wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him with all your strength. 

“And with the game-winning touchdown, number 55, Shawn Mendes!” You yelled and imitated the announcer as Shawn laughed at you. 

He wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you close to him, your chest pressed against his. 

“I’m thinking that you in my jersey must be my good luck charm,” he said low enough so just you could hear it. You rolled your eyes at him and shoved his chest.

“You’ve won every other game this season,” you said. It was his turn to roll his eyes at you. 

“Must just be the number.”

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[cosmosogler]

i’m so frustrated i want to scream.

i had a dream about high school. i was hanging out with a japanese girl. i couldn’t understand anything she said and i was trying to figure out a good system to communicate but i couldn’t remember anything or focus on how my hands were moving. i have never had this much trouble with a language barrier and i could not figure out what she wanted. 

that was just the start of the day though.

there was that thing with dad, of course. and i’ve been feeling crummy and sore all day. it has never let up. there was a period of about an hour where it hurt so bad i couldn’t move this evening. i felt so sick i couldn’t even feel restless. it was like all my limbs died.

i have had pms symptoms worse than this, of course, but never while actively on birth control. and definitely not when it’s not even the right week yet. i still have two more days before the pill schedule says i’m actually supposed to start. at least i caught it right away and that was, er, uneventful. i do so dislike bathroom adventures.

gotta... set up an appointment with my doctor. again. try something else.

walking wiley was pretty miserable. i had no energy and every time he pulled on the leash my whole upper body ached. thankfully he didn’t seem to find anything especially interesting on our usual route today so i could focus on just moving forward. i think some kids wanted me to stop so they could pet wiley but i just waved at them and kept going because i didn’t want to deal with people. their parents didn’t look too enthusiastic about me coming over at least.

tomorrow i gotta get up an hour early for therapy. so i am writing a little early. after therapy dad wants to go to his mom’s house. i haven’t seen her since, like, before she killed her dog i think? i have never volunteered to go with dad. i think my dad knows i don’t care for her company. then we are picking up asher to start studying for the gre a little bit.

i was completely unable to focus all day despite not moving too much. i didn’t start looking at math gre materials until like twenty minutes ago. i’ve got a couple things bookmarked now... hopefully spending some time on khan academy will help boost his confidence. that’s mostly what the gre is about. not letting it psyche you out. the general gre doesn’t really cover anything over high school, or freshman year of college level. i took it without studying at all and i did way better than i did on the subject test despite spending five months pretty religiously studying. 

the worst part about standardized tests is how soul crushing they are. you still feel like you’re bad at it even when you score in the 80th percentile. or you feel like you did pretty good and get 40th percentile. just like my grades!!!

i was hoping maybe since i didn’t have to go to school this semester i could relax a little more. but here i am with my head in my hands worrying about my grades and my lost opportunity and how rusty i’m getting with numbers. i can’t... find higher level physics material to practice with on the internet. where do i go to just, do quantum physics problems every day?? and i gave my quantum book to hogan, so he could keep up with the material... maybe i’ll ask for it back... i’ll have to go back to flag at some point anyway.

i’m too ashamed to even log into facebook because maybe i’ll have gotten a notification from someone i know. or maybe someone will see me online and try to talk to me and they’ll figure out how much of a useless bum i am. i’ve forgotten to even change my skype status from “away” for several days now. i don’t talk in the discord channels...

that feeling of “i feel like a total loser” never went away. i think having to miss another semester of school broke me. it’s hard to motivate myself to even do little things. like send emails. or look at the physics stuff that i ASKED MY PROFESSOR TO SEND ME AND HE KINDLY DID. or heck, even watching tv is a chore! sitting and reading for too long makes me feel sick. i should really be wearing my reading glasses, that might be the problem with the reading. but whenever i think about doing anything i just want to cry.

i feel stupid even talking about anything but work on my tumblr, where i go to talk about how i’m feeling. it’s great. like, i could say i played a lot of pokemon and got extremely frustrated with the luck i was having at the battle tree, but i play pokemon every day. mom and dad judge me pretty hard.

it’s hard to find anything to enjoy when i know that if it’s not work related my parents are going to complain that i don’t do anything useful. i can’t get any fun out of things i used to have a great time doing. i don’t really sit and think in the shower any more, i just kind of stand there and stare at the wall and yell at myself to wash my hair already. i can’t write or draw. well, technically i physically could do those things, but i can’t... put the paper down in front of myself. when i think about it, i just don’t do it. i guess it’s hard because making art again would mean i am trying to take steps to feel better. but i wouldn’t be feeling better fast enough and mom and dad would be like “why did you draw when you could be applying for jobs” and then i would feel even worse.

i can’t start new books or tv shows and i have trouble even picking up new short stories/fanfiction because i would spend time and energy thinking about and talking about that stuff when i could be applying for jobs!!!

i can’t even crawl out of my depression hole good enough. it would be easier for everyone if i was dead. then at least my parents wouldn’t have to spend so much money on me. and my friends wouldn’t have to watch me complain about nothing all the time. and i wouldn’t have to sit here and be myself all day.

haha, the dream i had... i was singing a song and i mixed up the lyrics. it reminded me of last may when i went to comicon and i liked someone’s cosplay and tried to point it out to taylor and i got the character mixed up with a different one right in front of everyone in the elevator. i bet i looked like a real fake gamer girl!!!

not only that, but it was an undertale cosplay, and i know how... intense the fans can be. i wanted to melt into my dress and through the floor.

i hate the way my body looks and it’s so hard for me to cosplay. i get judgmental looks when i try to play along in character a little bit because i don’t commit enough, or i commit too much, or i get disappointed looks when i don’t play along because i’m too nervous. i’m lucky if one person asks to take a picture with me. i should really make my own costumes... i could probably put in just a little more effort and maybe people would like my costumes. but i can’t sew and mom never taught me how to do anything i could use to take care of myself.

everything i learned about how to take care of myself i had to teach myself... i don’t even know how to put on makeup. i have never even once done it myself.

mostly because it’s bad for my skin and i hate the way it feels on my face, but also because i was afraid of doing it wrong and having to wear it that way all day.

i guess, i got so used to doing things wrong on purpose, like playing video games just badly enough or getting pop culture references wrong to look just the right level of Not That Nerdy, and Letting the Guys Be Right, that when i actually put in effort and tried to win i couldn’t any more. the only thing i can do on purpose is lose. and i guess... losing on purpose gives me some control over whether i won or not. since i’m gonna lose anyway, may as well let myself down easy, you know?

but i keep trying for some reason. because i’m stupid i guess. dedication and stubbornness are the same thing.

actually one time it was kind of funny. i was just starting high school and wanted to not look like an unapproachable hermit. so i was talking about tv shows with a guy. i think it was long hair jake. he brought up dragonball z. i have seen the show before, and i had only the most tenuous grasp of the plot, but i liked some of the characters enough to be familiar with their names and personalities. i watched toonami a lot in grade school. but i was so afraid of looking like a nerd, because he was so cool, you see, that i deliberately “forgot” all the characters’ names and basic things about the show. getting it wrong on purpose and letting people judge me for that is easier than trying earnestly and getting it wrong anyway without even noticing. at least when i do something on purpose i have some say in what people think of me, because i did for sure act a certain way.

i ended up being an unapproachable hermit anyway and during my second year i actually got yelled at by the dean of students for being “too egotistical to spend time with my classmates.” 

honestly i think that actually truly damaged my self esteem. here i had clearly established myself as the worst student, and was too afraid to hang out with literally anyone, and everyone thought i thought myself too high and mighty for those lowly mortals! gaze upon me and despair.

man, i hate me. i hate having to deal with me. i hate listening to myself all day. i hate the way i keep getting up and trying again even when there is clearly nothing to be gained. i wish i could just die already.

and yet... i appreciate the way eve keeps going like there’s nothing wrong even though she is clearly aware of how old she is. i appreciate that she still asks to go on walks even though she’s always sore and tired afterward. that she still wants to spend time with me despite everything.

haha i’m crying again, good night everybody, i’ll be here all week. i can’t see again, my eyes burn so bad. god it hurts.

i am just a little early tonight. but i have to get up to go to the bathroom so often every night that i’ll probably end up not getting enough sleep anyway. it wasn’t as bad last night, so maybe the medication is finally starting to help.