#anyways i think the first person to take the vaccine took it yesterday so. praying and hoping tht in a month we get it bc hoooo boy

[doof-doofblog]

"He's My Brother?!"

Tuesday 16th March 2021

Part One

Hello again everyone, hope you're all doing well! I wanted to share some personal news with you, I received my first Covid-19 vaccine yesterday, we're slowly on the path on getting things back to some form of normality! Who knows, maybe soon EastEnders might be able to go back to its original 30 minutes, even though I'm enjoying it and don't care how long the episodes are, it'll just feel normal, right? Anyway, I've seen a few spoilers regarding these two episodes, I'm really intrigued to write about these episodes. Tuesday aired two episodes of EastEnders so I'll be doing two posts to review each one.

Monday's episode ended on such a cliff-hanger, it's only right that I start this blog with mentioning Lucas and Chelsea first. The episode opened right there Monday left off, Chelsea and Lucas are at the airport preparing to go to Ibiza with suitcases full of drugs. Chelsea's suitcase is currently being checked, she's stood in absolute panic about what the security guard is going to find. Only when he reveals a bottle being over the correct amount she's allowed to take, I got really confused! I was completely and utterly convinced that Lucas had given Chelsea the drugs as a way of teaching her a lesson, and not in a bad way but in a cruel-to-be-kind kind of way. But as soon as Lucas begins to walk through with his suitcase, Chelsea hears commotion from behind and Lucas is surrounded by armed guards. The interesting thing is, Lucas doesn't hesitate, calmly and willingly, he drops the suitcase, opens it up to reveal the amount of drugs stored inside it, Chelsea watches on in dismay as her Father basically gives up on the whole job. Lucas looked over at his daughter, but the look on his face, I couldn't quite tell what he was doing? Was he doing this to save his daughter?

Frantically, Chelsea later arrives home, informing her Mum that Lucas has been arrested and he plain and simply gave up the drugs as if he'd planned it. Denise is visibly shook to hear but she's more relieved to know that Chelsea is safe and no harm has come to her, as far as she's concerned, Lucas can look after himself, whereas Chelsea needs her family around her. However, Chelsea seems to think that Lucas has given up the job on purpose, and now because the job hasn't gone through, Chelsea and the rest of the family could be in danger.

Returning to the airport, Lucas has been taken to side room, there he is begging the officer to allow him one phone call. At first the officer seems to think he's part of a drug gang and is wanting a call to let his comrades know about his arrest, however when Lucas mentions that it's to do with his family and that they could be in danger, it looks as if the police officer suspects he could be telling the truth and allows the phone call. As Denise and Chelsea are at home, Jack is there trying to keep them calm and discuss what actions could be taken due to Lucas's arrest, but of course his main concern is to keep Denise and Chelsea safe, if Caleb finds out the job hasn't been done, he knows that the Fox family could be in huge danger, he instructs them to not go on their phones and don't answer any calls or answer the door to anyone but himself. It's then that he receives a phone call from Lucas, pleading to for his help. What on Earth could Lucas be asking of Jack? Will Lucas be okay? (Of course some of you may have already seen the second episode, but as I haven't, I'm going to be speculating, please no spoilers, thank you!)

--

The next thing I want to mention is Bailey and Bernadette. The sisters are still deeply saddened by Bronson's passing, but as they sit in the park with Mitch, they continue to discuss Bronson's personality and his favourite foods. Always the best way to remember a happy doggo! Unfortunately, as the family reminisce about their beloved pup, Mitch has devastating when he hears a job opportunity had fell through, which he was hoping would keep him going until the winter. Are the Taylor family falling on hard times? Are they really struggling for money so much right now?

Bailey however tries to reassure her Dad, informing him that he has to keep positive as something will come up eventually, but she also drops the bombshell that he wouldn't have to pray for Astronomy Camp for her as she didn't win her competition, both Bernie and Mitch voice their disappointment for Bailey as she begins to feel sorry for herself.  But suddenly a little surprise makes the young girl begin to smile, a little dog approaches her as she holds food in her hand, it appears to not be wearing a collar and no one is around to claim the dog, must be a stray. Happily Bailey interacts with dog and smiles to her Dad that it's a sign from Bronson.

Seeing the little pup bring a smile back onto his daughter's face, he later approaches Karen about the possibility of keeping the new found dog. I also just want to mention how adorable the new dog is, I know not many dog last for long on the Square, but it would be nice for them to fill the void of Bronson. I don't think EastEnders have ever had a better dog since Wellard. They need a pet who's going to become memorable, and with one as adorable as this new pup, it could really work. Karen unfortunately is against the idea of getting a new dog, mainly because they can't afford it. But something tells me that maybe she's just not ready to get over Bronson, maybe? I feel if you've been able to afford a dog before, there's no reason why you can't get another one after? Right?! Mitch really wants to cheer his daughter up, I'm hoping Mitch will go and find the new dog, adopt him and bring him in to their family.

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The next thing I have to mention is Ash and Suki, after finding her daughter at home alone with Peter, Suki takes it upon herself to confront Ash about the fact that she's been suspended from work, of course she has no idea why, but we all know it's because of Peter begging her to give him pain medication whilst off duty. As the ladies begin to argue, Ash tries to reassure her Mum that everything will be fine when she attends the hearing, she'll be able to explain and she'll get her job back. But Suki begins to fret, considering how much she cares for her family, and more so their reputation, I reckon?

Peter takes it upon himself to interrupt, informing Suki that Ash wouldn't have been suspended if it wasn't for him, this makes Suki realise that it's all Peter's fault, but the devastating blow is that her daughter could potentially lose her job because of a boy! Later on, as things begin to cool off, Suki is alone at the family business as Ash visits her, without Peter in tow. She begs her Mum to not worry and let things slide as she and Peter have a plan of way of getting her job back, but Suki seems to really struggle as the realisation sinks in, she voices that the reason she's so upset is that was she so proud of her daughter for getting so far with her career, for the job role she took on in life, how she has become successful in life, and now she fears that because of Peter, everything could be taken away from her! For me, I found it interesting to see this side of Suki, we know she loves the idea of power and success, but to actually hear that she's proud of one of her children, seems that maybe she really just wants the best for her family.

--

Okay, now the main event! After hearing the news that Gavin has passed away, Kathy and Sharon are discussing whether to attend the memorial. Of course, Sharon isn't interested in sharing memories of her biological Father, needless to say she doesn't have any fond memories of him, Gavin did have a bad reputation after all. Kathy however, considering as she was married to him once - I'm assuming, we know for sure she loved him and/or dated him, is considering going, whether Sharon joins her or not. As far as Sharon is concerned he can "Rot in hell!"

However, after a few wise words from Callum about Dad's in general, regardless whether they were pigs or not, it's always best to be the bigger person, Sharon then decides to tag along with Kathy and attend the memorial. As the arrive Kathy realises that she recognises a few faces, where of course Sharon knows nobody. Sally, Gavin's sister approaches them and thanks Kathy for coming, regardless of the awful things Gavin did, she makes the valid point that she did love him once.

As they look around the room, there is one bloke in particular who seems to be downing a lot more alcohol than others, he seems to be banging to people and knocking into the bar, eventually this man decides to make a speech, but it's not one of the speeches you'd expect. But however, to Sharon's interest, he seems to be saying things which she would actually agree with. Gavin was the scum of all scumbags. This speech however doesn't sit well with other family members and the young man dashes over chairs and tables to escape the angry mob!

As Kathy and Sharon make their exit, they watch as everyone gathers in the parking lot. However Sharon seems to have somehow managed to get her hands on Gavin's urn, without a second thought she simply dumps it into a litter bin, much to Kathy's shock. Looking for the drunken, suspicious man who rudely corrupted the memorial, both Kathy and Sharon seem to notice that their car has been left un-open. Realising that the young man could be hiding in their car, they make a subtle entrance and sit in the front seats. This scene looked like something out of a comedy, the young man appears between them in the backseat, shushing them not to give away his hiding place. Unfortunately, for the young man, the angry mob begin taking their anger out on his sports car - I did find this pretty comical as Kathy and Sharon both describing the damage being made to his car as he hides on the backseat. After the angry mob seem to finish off the last of their damage and head back into the building, Kathy asks the young man his connection with Gavin, how did he know him? Why was he at the memorial? Were they business partners or something?

But then as he walks away, he drops the big bombshell, introducing himself as Zack and that Gavin was in fact his Dad! As he walks away to his damaged car, both Kathy and Sharon look at each other in their shock as they come to realise Sharon has a brother she never knew existed!

Now I just want to say, most of us recall what happened when Sharon found out about another long-lost brother, however, I have to make the valid point that Dennis was in fact an adoptive brother. Den Watts was her adoptive father, so technically Sharon and Dennis were never really blood related, which I guess is why their romance can be looked to one side, however, Zack would be Sharon's Half-Brother! People might think history will be repeating itself if Zack was to become Sharon's new love interest, but I'd hope that EastEnders wouldn't go down the route of incest. It would be interesting though to see how Sharon will come to terms with knowing about her secret brother, will she want to build a relationship with him? Will he want to know her? Could they bond knowing that they've both had such a horrid man for a Father? Who knows?

I'm really looking forward to seeing the second episode following this one, I will be posting about it tomorrow, but in the mean time please no spoilers for me. I'll look forward to blogging about it tomorrow! Thank you again for reading! Love you all xXx  

#eastenders #chelseafox #lucasjohnson #denisefox #jackbranning #mitchbaker #baileybaker #bernadettetaylor #karentaylor #ashpanesar #sukipanesar #peterbeale #kathybeale #sharonwatts #callumhighway #gavinsullivan #zackhudson #soapblog #soapfan

[trubilee]

so i guess i’ll write (blogwrite?) now.

today we were authorized for early release at D, the way we are whenever there’s a holiday, so i decided to use up my 3 hours of company-gifted time to try and write this morning (not write this blog, but write other stuff, which tired me so now i am writing this blog as my treat for this last hour).

it has been a challenge to write these past several months.  i sort of think i know why, or i know what triggered it at least.  not sure why the difficulty persists but i guess i could pat myself on the back for trying this morning.

there are a lot of things i’ve been wanting to write about.  in no particular order, my performance eval at work, my strange quarantine life-related skincare fixation journey (oh, the ups and downs), wes and happiness and my odd overthinking of it sometimes, the chasing francis book i finished a couple weeks ago, the funeral last week, and... hmm.  maybe that’s around everything i can think of.  oh, music in the time of rona too.  also stuff in me that the writing has kicked up.  i guess i could try.  oh, and my bras of choice during these WFH times.  maybe a little about daisy and the vaccine.

so.  performance eval.  it went extremely well.  we took the full hour.  my leader L is not the type to give much feedback, but in the first half of that hour she basically looked straight at me and told me all the things i would’ve wanted to hear.  about client group 1, and 2, and 3, the breadth and versatility and equal parts drafting and interpersonal connecting components of them all.  i repeated it all to paul when i told him how it went, and really, really it was everything i would’ve wanted to hear from her.  i was praying thanks to God as she was talking to me through the screen, because i was just absorbing all the words that i had been so hungry to have her give to me this whole past year.  and there are so many things to it too.  things like, i know i am not perfect and everything to everyone the way i think i should--even could be--and i can’t necessarily just say to myself “oh but nobody is” because actually, at this company, there are some people who are, they really really are just so good, and i feel so bad just taking in how good they are at thinking on their feet and killing it at getting things done here, and being so articulate and effective at communicating and dynamic and all of it.  anyway, the conversation felt so... whole-making.  hahaha.  make-whole-ing?  another part of it is that i have always been grateful for the job, i always felt like it was suck a lucky winning when i shouldn’t have necessarily landed it and with that came this default set of thoughts that went, oh they hate me.  oh they think i am inept.  oh they see how inept i am.  they regret hiring me.  i don’t want them to regret hiring me.  that would be one of my worst fears, jobwise.  to burden someone with my existence on their team.  i know that it’s healthy to think that a company is lucky to have you and to know your worth and all, but bc i’m kind of acquainted with my own versions of total failure, i’m not good at thinking that way.  i’m always thinking that i’m lucky to work for X company.  it would probably make many a leadership coach or asian american advancement advocate grimace.  i’m sure it’s a handicap to me careerwise, salarywise, etc etc, but asking me to fix it is like asking mesomeone to stop being insecure.  in that, it's not something you can change by will.  it almost feels like a part of my dna, not just some protective armor.  this is why i sort of roll my eyes inside when someone announces that she (it’s usually a she) has imposter syndrome.  it’s unfair, i know, but i almost want to look around and say, wait is that not just the normal state of things?  why are you acting like it’s some sort of unusual complex that you have?  i thought everyone, anyone with any noonchi, had that.  that’s like saying that--gasp--you don’t think you’re the absolute sh*t.  it doesn’t mean you're afflicted with anything.  i should ease up a little.  

damn.  i only have 20 min left.

ok another thing about the performance eval.  about which i joked to my leader, when she said we could have these conversations more regularly if we wanted to, that my heart could only take once a year at most.  i was so relieved, so happy, i felt so uncaged afterwards.  bc again, really it extinguished all of the unhelpful fears that had made me so tense about work this year.  and part of me, the part that is always maybe a little too self aware, thought to myself, that gosh, if getting a positive review from my leader at some big company where i am a corporate peon is this satisfying to me, then perhaps my world, my dreams, are just rather small.

i was thinking about that and preemptively tried to put it to paul this way:  that sometimes i feel very rich.  not like money-wise, bc i know just enough of the wrong people to ever feel that way (lol).  but more in a life-currency sort of way.  like when i think about my little family of three, my son who is so perfectly delightful that i don’t even know how to--i don’t know how to appreciate him or even just take him in without feeling like his delightfulness is slipping through my fingers simultaneously with, even AS i’m, looking at him and trying to appreciate him and take him in (does that make any sense?), my husband who i have similar slightly overwhelmed feelings about when it comes to his quality as a human being and heart on this earth, and my mom and dad who both survived their different cancers.  about how somehow God provided me with not just the friends i needed but even extra friends who i didn’t dare think i had a chance at asking for, and even this house, and having and seeing daisy and family regularly, and gosh even my inlaws who only seem to ever give and never receive (sorry, ommonim abbonim...) and my sister in law who i feel the same way about, and our nanny, and yes this job too, this job i once never thought i had the right to even dream of having bc of said past failures, this job for two companies brands i adore and believe in.  and the chance to write, and feeling like i have something to write about.  and even knowing a handful of living, breathing, non-robot human beings who actually read what i write, actually think it’s worth their time.  what marvels.

on the other hand, sometimes i feel rather poor.  i feel like we don’t have enough savings, we aren’t saving enough.  i feel like we will always just need to work for a salary bc neither of us is in a job role where we make dividends happen for us.  and i am so junior here at a place where promotions are slower than slow anyway, and salaries aren’t tech or finance salaries anyway.  and i feel ugly and like a half-distracted working mom whose life is devoid of glamour or romance or margin or space or passion / vision.  well, i guess my “poor” list is a lot shorter than my rich list.  

all this to say, after my dumb performance eval i felt like a rich woman.  not because they told me i was getting some big raise (i’m not, and i don’t generally care bc the raises are so small and have you seen the mass layoffs happening here).  i felt rich bc i felt like i got really validating feedback from leaders i really admire, both on a professional and personal level, and i work on a team with colleagues who i think are really excellent at what they do, and i work at a company where i really like what they make.  i feel kind of silly typing all of this out bc it’s so freaking wholesome and vanilla and, again, small, but it’s true.  those things made me happy after my review.  and this is the job i report to 8 hours a day.  yep.  real stable, ordinary stuff.  

i told paul that in thinking about how happy i felt and feeling self-conscious about that happiness, i would rather feel like a rich woman and be objectively “poor” than to be the other way around.  to feel like i am poor but in reality be quite rich.  

it’s also funny bc B and G also specifically separately felt compelled to send me messages confirming this same exact thought, now that i think about it.  how wonderful.  thank you.

next topic.  bras in rona times.  yesterday i bought my fourth--no, lemme count--seventh! eberjey bra.  it’s not bc i’m being greedy, it’s just that the ones i started with i wore so often that they jstarted wearing out.  the eberjey bras are generally underwired, with no lining except a thin layer of lace, and they make my boobs--my post-maternity, seen-such-better-days, already wilted boobs look terrible under my clothes.  but i am working from home and don’t need the extra lining for decency’s sake.  and when i see the bras in my bra drawer and i deposit my boobs into them every morning it feels lovely.  the bras are unflattering but they are delicate enough (while still practical) and comfortable to wear and are lovely to look at.

well i need to start my workday now.  if i ever get around to it i’ll write about other stuff.