#anyways sorry to interupt your blogging with.... whatever this is

[legitlauracoe]

Self-conciousness

Finn: Ok, here we go

Laura: Self-consciousness

F: Self-consciousness yeah, ok

L: So I, I didn’t really feel self-conscious throughout the entire production--

F: Yeah

L: --the only time I really felt self-conscious was when they raised the lights on the audience basically--

F: I didn’t even feel self-conscious then [laughs]

L: --but that was tricky because there wasn’t a clear like defined switch 

F: Yeah

L: --it was always a fade-in, and so I was kind of like, self-aware but not sure exactly why I was supposed to be aware--

F: Mmmm

L: --like in context of what within the performance was--

F: yeah

L: --supposed to make me self aware, um...

F: I feel like that was like definitely though something we think about in design is like sort of like the subliminal effect of lighting which can be really really powerful and I think like the fact that everyone like I think their fade-in was sort of like an attempt at like not making you notice the lighting but I agree I think like in the context of like thinking about this show and self-consciousness like the lighting is something you do want to be thinking about because that’s a part of what they’re trying to communicate with the show.

I would also love to just--before we even jump into this--recognize that we are here, backstage, at Harvard College Opera, in the backroom of the costume shop next to the laundry machine. Laura’s not warmed up.

L: [laughs]

F: I’m not emotionally prepared. Um, but we’re having a great time. Anyway, Continuing.

[both laugh]

L: Um, I mean I think maybe the fade in might have been trying to make the point that it isn’t necessarily one thing that’s supposed to make you realize 

F: Oh interesting. Yeah

L: You know so it is supposed to be subconscious...that’s the only like, reasoning I can see behind that 

F: for the fade as opposed to a switch?

L: Yeah. But like I don’t know that just didn’t really work for me. Um

F: Yeah. I would agree. 

L: [laughs]

F: I mean I don’t know I just think that there were like I think that they tried really hard with that but there were a lot of elements with the design that like that I just thought like weren’t that effective like you know like they um just like basic like focus things or system things you know it just wasn’t like the the lighting itself wasn’t didn’t seem super duper like the lighting of the stage area at least didn’t seem super super nuanced and so it it I wonder almost if like, not to like call in the stake lol, but like it didn’t feel as I wonder if the fade up or fade down that we’re like fixating on wasn’t like a choice per say

L: Yeah, but something they had to do cause--

F: Or something they just did because they were like ok

L: Yeah

F: Well but, I dunno cause also like it felt like--

L: But I think it’s always like--

F: --some of those changes were--well there’s always a default in the system. 

L: [laughs]

F: The but some of those changes were like fifteen seconds long so that was a little more of a choice.

L: Yeah

F: And they were changing the color temperature of the lights--

L: Uh-huh

F: --but like, yeah I don’t know

L: Yeah I mean the obvious other self-conscious part was just them breaking the fourth wall.

F: Yeah!

L: Which I thought worked with various degrees of success.

F: Yeaah

L: I thought Simon’s speech after he hadn’t spoken-- 

F: Yeh!

L: --for the entire time was really effective cause it was like

F: I agree

L: he was so eloquent 

F: Yeah

L: at that point. Um

F: Um, yeah I think [sighs] hmm

L: Well but then there were other parts where they broke the fourth wall and I was less impacted?

F: Hmmm

L: Like I felt definitely towards the end they kept breaking it and breaking it and like I felt like they kept saying the same thing 

F: Yeah

L: which was like realize that we’re important, and I was like I get it--

F: Yeah

L: --annnd

F: I already think that you’re important…

L: Yeah I already I already think that you’re important yeah yeah I--

F: We’re out here

L: --really do think that you’re important!

F: Hmm yeah. Well so I mean also like--

L: Also the, sorry the the AI--

F: hmmm

L: the whole framework of the AI thing

F: Hiugh [laughs/scoffs] That was, that was weird

L: Knowing having some knowledge of CS 

F: [laughs]

L: I know is not true and so 

F: [exaggerated] I took CS50 and…

L: [laughs] I know

F: [laughs]

L: We both took CS50 

F: We did both take CS50. Hi Debra

L: Uhh

F: Hi Olivia 

[both laugh]

L: Um, it--

F: THIS! Talk about self-consciousness. This recording makes me feel self-conscious. ANyway

L: Um, I I knew that not to be true so at the same point time that I thought their point was cool and I wanted to believe it I knew it wasn’t true, so it didn’t have any sort of danger for me.

F: Yeah

L: And so I think if I had been older or--

[both laugh]

L: why am I saying older?

F: No no no no but that’s valid that’s valid 

L: If I just had been more ignorant of technology it might’ve had a better or a stronger impact on me.

F: Yeah, I felt like the like the clip we watched um...of the exercise of people like standing

L: Yeah

F: and like allowing themselves to be seen was much much more powerful--

L: Yeah yeah

F: because of sort of the discussion that we had about um like uh like when we felt uncomfortable about that and how they were exposing themselves as like, a canvas um, and a canvas that distinctly had marks um and like, our bodies are also canvases that have marks but the way that we are like sort of trained to to or conditioned to um like ignore certain markings and fixate on other markings um...referencing that conversation I felt like that like this piece had the potential to have that be really really powerful, um and it did make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable but not in a kind of way that seemed like it was on purpose but it rather made me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious in a way that felt um like less intended in terms of like the producers of the piece being um

L: Yeah that was strange 

F: Yeah

L: How the producer was totally

F: Like in the conversation we had afterwards the producer was--

L: Yeah yeah

F: sort of like giving them leading questions and it felt...

L: Yeah

F: It felt very much so like I dunno I had tutors when I was a kid cause I have ADD and like it felt a lot like that. That dynamic of like the tutor trying to like get the right math answer out of me

L: [laughs]

F: And I was like I want to talk about the lollipops you have on your desk. Like that’s, that sort of dynamic is what it felt like and it didn’t feel like that was on purpose

L: Well and then also like he would literally get stuff wrong and they would have it right but he would like still question them

F: Mmm

L: Like he didn’t believe them and I was wondering if he like like does he have any...I mean he must have some history with 

F: I think he’s been with that company for like ten years is what it seemed like

L: Yeah. And like he still didn’t respect them fully which…

F: Interesting. Oh so that’s kind of an interesting dynamic--

L: Yeah

F: --that we’re like looking at ourselves and like we feel like we what they were saying was not like news, but that also like in this conversation like you have a distinct repres or a distinct scenario where someone who is like experienced working with non-neurotypical people--

L: For like ten years, yeah

F:--for ten years, is still making the same mistakes that they are highlighting in this production. I think that’s kind of interesting.

L: Yeah

F: Maybe that’s like what the play is…

L: [laughs]

F: I don’t know what--

L: I dunno, yeah that’s

F: --That’s what they’re putting into the play but I feel like that’s what the play is saying to me. Like even the people putting this on don’t know f^&*ing how to deal with it. 

L: [laughs]

F: No! I’m serious! It’s crazy!

L: No no yeah, it’s an exploratory question. Well just cause yeah, I have an autistic friend and like obviously they’re not um necessarily in the same situation, but like like like yes there are certain things about him that are different

F: Yeah

L: but like, um, like one characteristic of that is he has an incredible memory. 

F: Mmm

L: And so he’ll like remember everyone’s birthday if you tell if to him even once, and so I dunno that like you have to respect that.

F: Yeah. I was thinking about I did for my last blog post uh I talked about Robert Wilson who like works with…? 

[sound from outside interupts]

Oh someone’s cheering.

L: [laughs] No they’re doing the screaming thing

F: Oh! They’re doing the screaming thing. Oh, and someone’s walking through it’s Serena. Serena Chen, a gem. Um anyway, what was I saying?

L: Another self conscious thing people were talking about was laughter. I don't know if I felt that self conscious.

F: Yeah. 

L: But I don't know. There's definitely moments where I was like is it ok to laugh? I don't know if it was because they were not neurotypical.

F: I mean, I feel like they were also just being funny. I did definitely feel the thing where I was like, I feel uncomfortable laughing at a non-neurotypical or at a neurodiverse person or not at or even laughing with because it's–uh–I don't know exactly why. 

L: I mean, I think it's for me, it was like, I didn't know exactly what was intentional and what wasn't.

F: Yeah, you did the last the line between laughing with and laughing at and like for such a like for people who have like this–this canon of like being laughed at I don't know if that's an appropriate canon but whatever.

L: Yes it isn't but it's ok [Laughter] History!

-

Well, but also, we talked about this, I think, maybe, Debra mentioned it or someone mentioned it that like, with an, quote unquote, normal actor.

F: Yeah,

L: we assume that everything they're doing is intentional. And then with neurodiverse people, I mean, we assume that not everything is intentional.

F: I don't assume that everything and that normal actors do is intentional. [More Laughter]

but also like, if a neurotypical actor like fucks up on stage, I will laugh, whereas I feel like if a non neurotypical person like fucks up on stage 

L: Yeah, 

F: and I'm sure, you know, both parties do. I would Yeah, exactly. I would feel bad as opposed to like, feeling like Haha, you're someone I can laugh at, but okay. Okay, but, and I think this gets to the root of why I felt uncomfortable with the whole production even in the context of like the intentionality and self consciousness and discomfort. But why I felt like my discomfort was a level above is because I think that the audience and the actors have a power dynamic, which is not present in like a typical–or rather a play with like, majority neurotypical actors. Yeah, um, and because, like in majority are typical actors, like those actors, like know what's happening next. And they've also like not been discriminated against, for their, you know, neuro diversity or lack thereof, for their whole lives and moreover, like, have incredible difficulty getting and maintaining jobs because of something that they can't control. Whereas if you're in the situation of like, a non neurotypical or neuro diverse actor like that, you know, it might be Very, very difficult for them to A: have gotten that job in the first place B: to get any other job, and so

L: It's very hard for any actor to get a job. 

F: Well, that's true, but I feel like if between like a neurotypical actor and a neurodiverse actor, like it must be so much harder as a neuro diverse actor to get a job as opposed to a neurotypical actor. And so, in some sense, like, in their performance, they're trapped, right? Like, they don't really have an out if they're like I don't want to do acting anymore. Like a lot of like, neurotypical actors could be doing something else but they choose to do acting. Whereas like someone who like, succeeds, quote-unquote, in acting as an as a neurodiverse person like they it felt like there was almost like a forced aspect of the performance. It felt like I as an audience member was like watching this person who didn't really have a choice as to whether or not they were, like, allowed to perform for me, but rather, they were required to. And this like, was compounded by the producer like getting things wrong and sort of that sort of like him leading the actors' feeling and I don't know how the actors would like feel about that sentiment necessarily, but like that is what it that's, that's kind of the vibe that I got from the room. I don't know if that–it didn't make me feel self conscious, but it did make me feel like uncomfortable with my position in the power dynamic of like, what was occurring,

L: I was thinking of like the inequality and attention economy with like, not understanding minorities. And I think, like for me, the production was really a push to expose more people to like getting to know these people you know rather than just like see nothing about them

F: yeah

L: or you know like have them speak

F: But I feel like I didn't get to know these people, like they were using the real names but the one autistic man in the white shirt whose name I don't remember–remember how he was saying like I in the show was a bully like Don't be a bully was like very clearly a character

L: still like how they move like how

F: yeah...them as bodies

L: them as bodies–I don't want to say that per se but yeah as a dancer like getting someone is not just what they say it's just how they are in a space.

F: Yeah, that's true and how they move

L: yeah and how they move and how they speak 

F: God so is my clumsiness–

L: You're not clumsy!

F: I'm absolutely a klutz! I dropped shit all over the place if I were a waiter it would be a disaster town. 

L: you could be a manager!

-

I guess parts that made me feel self conscious other person may me so feel self conscious were parts where I didn't like I didn't really know where it's true I think that's going back to the right thing but  like knowing that was untrue like doubting some other stuff I guess where like

F: I also had like I was like taking them to the drama by watching the lighting design like as much intentionality there was in the self consciousness of that like I was like oh look the lights are turning on and they're changing color from cold white to warm white. And there's smooth jazz playing like you know, like, what I was thinking about. And then I was thinking about Oh god, this lighting design is terrible. Like why is there Why isn't there any dimension to these people?

L: Ahh-I have to go