#but he was so good at acting like he'd been fixed that people forgot domesticated dogs still bite when poked too hard with sticks

[habeascorpseus]

"just dont lose yourself, okay?"

"i cant. i've tried to."

"Don't forget to enjoy this, today. Cuz if you lose yourself in trying to hurt the people who took it, you might....just don't forget the good stuff, okay?"

"i cant. i've tried."

godddd cellbits recurring motif of "i cant. ive tried." whenever someone tells him not to lose himself, both the bad and the good is so.. the implication of a perpetual fruitless spiral of turning man to monster and monster to man, and failing at both because loves too deeply and instinct is ingrained into him deeper than the carvings in his knife. he cant fucking stand himself. he can't stand how he can't be normal and has to rely on drinking copius amounts of coffee to stay awake enough to not lose it. he can't stand how even in the depths of his desire for vengeance, he hears the pain in his loved ones' voices and still stops to listen. these two parts of him have to be incongruous, because he knows he was happier when he was one without the other. and yet, time and time again the people who care about him tell him not to lose himself like they view him as whole. and again and again, he tells them that he can't. because he's tried to break himself in half and it doesnt fucking work like that. and he'll continue until he destroys himself because hes fucking Tired of being whole.

#habeas speaks #qsmp #qsmp liveblog #qsmp cellbit #qsmp charlie slimecicle #qsmp badboyhalo #idk im just deeply interested in like. this character who. dont get me wrong. IS AWFUL but who put in effort to become better #and it didnt Fix Him. #but he was so good at acting like he'd been fixed that people forgot domesticated dogs still bite when poked too hard with sticks #and its not like he was manipulating them either he genuinely Wanted to move forward and be normal for his son and his family #but then his family was taken from him time and time again and he was humiliated and backed into a corner #and all of a sudden the teeth come out and he makes the choice to keep them out but now has to deal with everyone being shocked he has teeth #who wish he didnt but dont understand he tried to forget too #the incongruous image they have of him in their heads of man turned monster when hes always seen himself as monster turned man #who was always just a monster and learned to use a human face