#but idk i couldve never clocked that if i'd never thought 'do i want to be a boy'

[dashiellqvverty]

i keep thinking about how like if i were 10ish years younger and figuring out my gender shit in this current climate i genuinely might not have allowed myself to come to the same conclusions i did as a teenager. like so much of my transness is about choosing to be this way because it feels right and makes me happy, and i had a community both online and to some degree in person that affirmed that, and its not that that community isnt still around but i just dont know if it wouldve felt worth it. like i want to be an obviously and visibly queer gnc transfag i LOVE that about myself but its a journey i started when i was 15 and if i had to start that journey NOW i think it would be a lot fucking scarier. and of course thats the whole point, to scare people away from every coming out or even fully considering the possibility of being trans

#like i didnt Figure Out I Was A Man at 15 i have been on a journey of figuring out gender shit for years #but its always been based around imagining the version of myself that feels Good and Right #like i dont think i ever would have considered transness for myself had i not been introduced to it in the way i was #(safe and affirming and cool thing on tumblr) #like thats not the way my dysphoria is idk. i just like being a guy and i DO feel a deep wrongness that i didnt grow up as a boy #but idk i couldve never clocked that if i'd never thought 'do i want to be a boy' #and fuck man to ask myself that question for the first time NOW??? #to consider the options of telling or hiding from my conservative parents NOW?? #i told them a couple years ago now but i never kept it a Full Secret lmao like they Knew it was coming #and obv i knew i would be safe etc but like if it wasnt for me being out already (as multiple things) #what would they be on board with now?? #they've never been qanon marjorie taylor green type conservatives they are more libertarian types #they suck very much to be clear its just like #i dont KNOW and i things are unfathomably scarier than they were 7 years ago #every time i hear something new i feel so sick and then i just sit here bc i dont know what to do #and the idea of not even getting the chance to know im trans bc the climate is so hostile and terrifying is HEARTBREAKING #oh 2015 oh advocating visibility and representation well this is what fucking happens when ppl know trans ppl exist huh #(obviously these things are still good but u know what i mean. like ppl were talking about hypervisibility AT THAT TIME) #r.xt