#but with like 'queer' flair and vocabulary

[thornswithroses]

2016 Books I’ve Read

I had been hoping to read more books last year, but I am relieved to have made it halfway to my reading goals. It is a lot better than it was back in 2015. 

Real Murders (Aurora Teagarden, book #1) by Charlaine Harris

I actually enjoy Harris’ other mysteries more than I do the Sookie Stackhouse series. And I’m glad I only bothered with one of the Stackhouse books, considering that I hear how disappointing the last book ended. It does not help that the True Blood series left a bad taste my mouth after how they end Tara. The Harper Connelly books are actually my favorites, but the Teagarden ones may soon prove to be my second. I like Aurora Teagarden, I like how as ridiculous and delightfully flowery of a name she has, she is a grounded person.

Harris likes to describe the clothing her protagonists wear or want, and while I usually enjoy that aspect of writing, it is rather amusing when Harris does it. Namely, because the clothes she describes sound rather dated and probably would be more suited to someone in their sixties rather than their late twenties. 

The writing is sparse but absorbing, and Harris has a flair for a comfortable Agatha Christie likability in most of her works. This is no exception that.

Would recommend: a cozy but gripping reading to relax at night with.

Ash by Malinda Lo

I found myself so frustrated for sweet Ash. I never really appreciated how much the original Cinderella had to overcome until reading this book. Even her beloved father talked over the healing women of their original village, including Ash’s mother. Isobel is one of my most hated characters this year, for how she abuses Ash. And how much of pain Ash goes through could have been avoided if she had been listened to. 

I am usually leery of love triangles where the queer girl has to choose between a man or a woman. I’m bisexual, and I am very much aware that a queer woman is not less queer for wanting to be with a man. However, we cannot argue that heterosexual relationships are prioritized over homosexual ones. We cannot claim that bisexuality is not often dismissed as a curiosity by writers, most especially by male ones. It is 2017, and this shit still occurs. We cannot argue that female sexuality and relationships with women, be they romantic or platonic, are often dismissed in media. 

That said, I knew Malinda Lo was not going to fail me with how she handled Ash’s bisexuality. I used to follow Malinda Lo’s writings on AfterEllen in my Baby Feminist Years, and I do not regret that. She is a phenomenal writer, whether she writes in fiction or nonfiction. 

Ash’s relationships to Sidhean and Kaisa are different but special in her life. With Kaisa, their relationship has the delectability of apples, a tenderness and subtle warmth that is not written enough for gay relationships. With Sidhean, there is a tension for forbidden lust and the gradual trust they grow for one another. 

The ending is satisfying, but that is all I will give to you. I urge you to read this book, especially as it comes from an author that actually actively works with diversifying young adult literature to the best she can. 

Would recommend: a thoughtful, lyrical novel about a girl that overcomes obstacles to find love and her own independence. 

Mary Reilly by Valerie Marin

This is the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as seen through the eyes of Mary Reilly, a loyal, hardworking house-maid for the doctor. The book is written as if it were from Mary’s own journaling. 

I like the protagonist. Usually, when the perspectives of fringe characters are written about how they view a famed character, they simplify too many matters.

With Mary, yes, she is enamored but misguided by Dr. Jekyll’s supposed virtues, but as the novella goes on, as palpable as the sexual tension gets between them, she is not shy about pointing out the classism he and the world have on her, at least to herself. 

The book also has her deal with the abuses she undergone as a child from her father’s hands. I will not give spoilers away, but it is rather satisfying how she comes to terms with her abuse after attending a funeral (and, no, it’s not her abuser’s funeral.)

I like the different relationships she has with her fellow servants and how we see the grit of her daily duties. As I said before, the sexual tension between Mary and Dr. Jekyll is deliciously intense. It also helps that they are both shown to genuinely care about each other, adding a certain sweetness to the star-crossed quality of their relationship. 

And when the book wants to be chilling, it does indeed do that.

Would recommend: for all your fun, gothy indulgences!

The Name of The Wind by Patrick Rothfuss

An underrated epic fantasy that seems to understand that the quiet moments of a person’s life is just as important as the high-paced ones. The narration written uniquely, there’s a story-within-a-story with yet another one hidden somewhere under there. 

I enjoy reading older, isolated, world-weary Kvothe and how that contrasts with him telling his story of a younger, bright-eyed him that wants to learn and wants to avenge his loved ones. 

The book is a big one, and it is filled to the brim of so many conflicts and adventures. The humor is vibrant as red, the constant worry of poverty always hitting close to home for me, and his friendships and rivalries with everyone makes one feel invigorating. Oh, believe me, there is plenty of darker aspects to this story, and plenty of moments where I had to take a break from reading because it hurt too much at times. But Rothfuss seems to have the instinctual sense of when enough is enough, unlike the likes of George R.R. Martin and Joss Whedon.

Sometimes I got annoyed with how it felt like the author’s own feelings spilled somewhere. I thought the book could get too dismissive of the beliefs of the rural villages, and, believe me, I hate the concept of a sweet, harmless small town, especially when it mostly features white people. I’m no Stars Hollow fangirl, but my issue is rather it does not look at it through a nuanced lens.

All in all, what issues I have are little compared to so many factors that had me enjoy this book.

Would recommend: for people looking for a rich narrative that carves out many emotions from you, especially if you’re looking for an elaborate fantasy.

Decreation by Anne Carson

I am going to be real with you.

There are a lot of elements to this book that have flown over my head. 

Decreation holds so many references and vocabulary that had me searching all sorts of sources to understand. 

I have been interested in reading Anne Carson since seeing so many snippets of her words around.  It's possibly odd to say that being confused by the book and having to do research to know it makes me enjoy "Decreation" very much. I like books that force me to think. I like books that have the sort of lines that ring well together like a series of synchronizing bells. Anne Carson has an enthralling mind, and I look forward to reading more of her work. If you want to read a challenging book with prose and poetry that is clean and shining like knives, this is the book for you

Would recommend: for people looking for something that makes them want to ponder and to be lulled by the beauty of how words are arranged.

The Poison Eaters and Other Stories by Holly Black

When it comes to short story collections, let's face it, there are going to be stories that you adored, stories you're indifferent to, and stories you just really, really, really hate. For most of the stories in this collection, I enjoyed them immensely. I remember when I read Holly Black's first novel, Tithe, I was absorbed by the lush prose. I can only describe it as like a spiderweb, how it shimmered and ensnared. I am crestfallen that she has simplified that style over the years, I wish YA authors can trust their readers, especially the teenage ones, into appreciating descriptive prose. One of the reasons why I moved from YA literature to adult fiction by the time I was sixteen was because I got tired of the simple style of writing. I wanted to challenge myself more, and I wanted to appreciate the art of language. I still do. Holly Black's style is still not how it was in her Tithe days, but the stories are still written in an eye-catching way. Maybe not like a spiderweb, but surely as the sheen of water. My favorites were: "The Coldest Girl in Coldtown" is about vampire towns, need I say more? "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" had an interesting take of becoming a wolf where it is a flower instead of a bloody chomp that turns you. I will admit I have always had a soft spot for beautiful things that cause horror. "The Night Market" was a delightful romance with a Filipino girl with a port stain birthmark on her face that has an elf in a tree enamored with her, much to her surprise and frustration. It was entertaining to see their dynamic of challenging and outwitting one another, especially over the girl's sister's safety. "The Dog King" was with wolves in a castle, literally and metaphorically. "The Coat of Stars" was about a gay man rescuing his lost love, with the bonus of costume porn. "The Land of Heart's Desire" had me the excellent opportunity of reuniting with beloved characters from Black's Modern Faerie Tales series. The last story, "The Poison Eaters," I love the unique narration, the way the girl that was a weapon became a strategist for revenge. The stories I disliked were few and far. "A Reversal of Fortune" had an endearing pit bull dog, but that's all the positivity I can give it. The story's concept sounded good--a girl challenges the Devil to save her pet's life--but written in such a weak and juvenile way that was also, to put it bluntly, gross. "Virgin" also had an interesting concept but I feel this had the potential to have been expanded more, whether novel-length or just a longer short story. "In Vodka Veritas" went too far into the silly route for me, especially for an interesting concept as having a Bacchanal in a high school prom. The narrator was also annoying as fuck. "Paper Cuts Scissors" should have expanded the characters more, it was a shallow little story. "Going Ironside" was hard to follow and it had a good concept but a lukewarm execution.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison

The Goblin Emperor is a political fantasy that is loving and hopeful and does not move through violence necessarily so much as surviving the eyes and gossip of a land that does not always see half-Goblins like Maia in high regards. I like my prickly books; I appreciate the blood and the lust and the anger, and all the other juicy bits of a harrowing plot. Believe me, I do. However, I honestly find the politics here and in the Kushiel's Legacy far more engrossing than in famous works such as Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire" series. Maia is proof that having a genuinely sweet personality does not make one a dull protagonist. He is an underdog and coming from an abusive home life will certainly have readers already feeling protective of him. The biggest charm out of Maia however, is how Maia uses his goodness and need for survival to be calculating as Maia moves into the Emperor role. He's calculating how good his ruling should be. That is striking to me. He holds similar characteristics to one of my favorite fantasy characters, Sansa Stark. The characters surrounding him, all differing arrays of morals, are also striking. His bodyguards that are quite the sun-and-moon pair in demeanor and strength, his loyal assistant, his fiance, a passionate warrior girl. All in all, this was a satisfying read and one that I will enjoy rereading again and again. 

Would recommend: if you love character-driven stories set in a lush, intricately-woven setting with one of the most likable protagonists around. 

Carpathia by Cecilia Woloch

Woloch writes of moving, of grief, of love, all with great aplomb. There is a birdlike quality to her words as she talks about her father, his death, love, of moving across so many landscapes. Her poems have the serenity of the color blue. I cannot wait to see read more from her. 

Would recommend: if you want to be lulled by beautiful wording and imagery.

The Divinity Student by Michael Cisco

This book is like reading one long hallucination. The surrealism is everywhere, the horror underlying everything. The imagery is haunting in the best of ways, it feels like smoke clinging to your clothes. There is no logic to this story. You just cannot make sense of it. There is a reason why Cisco is often compared to Franz Kafka.

Would recommend: if you want to pore over surrealism and odd imagery rather than a particular plot. 

Uprooted by Naomi Novik

One of the most satisfying fantasies I have read the past few years. Novik knows how to make twists and she knows how to make those twists flow right. While I could feel old-school sort of fantasy as a backbone to this story, it still stands all on its own. The characters were vivid in their personalities.

Sometimes I had frustrations with Agnieszka, with how much she fussed over dealing with fancy indulgences. There is nothing wrong with her for preferring a rural, simpler life, but it felt tacked-on too often. At least it is not as bad as Hunger Games, where the bad guys in that story enjoyed to opulent, feminine indulgences that had something of a homophobic coding too. 

I do adore how Agnieszka’s clumsiness is not made to be endearing, but a human flaw. I wish to have seen more of her friendship with Kasia and see her relationship with the Dragon get developed more but all in all, it was enjoyable. 

The magic system was also beautifully envisioned and executed. 

Would recommend: character-driven, brilliant world-building, and unique storytelling.

Batgirl, Volume 1: The Darkest Reflection by Gail Simone

I hate the new 52. I hate most of it. I'm probably not going to read most titles from DC for a while. I am still not forgiving them for that hot topic nightmare that is Harley Quinn's makeover. I also have a small confession to make.

As a child, I was not that interested in Batgirl. I liked her enough on the Adam West show. I thought it was fantastic that she was a librarian. I thought Yvonne Craig was lovely. Other than that depiction, I barely gave thought to Barbara Gordon. 

With DC animation, my holy trinity of favorite female characters was Huntress (Bertinelli), Wonder Woman, and Catwoman. In recent years, especially with the passing of Craig, I've come to appreciate her more, value her character, her relationships with others, her strong will, her kindness, her flaws, her mistakes. Gail Simone actually made her a whole person to me when she was Oracle. And while I am still pissed that she is not that anymore, Simone's writing had me cheer for Barbara in getting back out onto the streets. This volume shows the ups and downs of her friendships to people she has known for a long time, the tentative friendship with her roommate that has the potential to expand a lot deeper, and above all, her relationship with both her parents. It always annoyed me when superhero stories got with the Disney Parent Problem, where there was only one parent active in the protagonist's life and how that was most often the father. Here, we see Barbara's mother and how their relationship is broken, and you feel for both of them. You want to be angry with Barbara's mom for leaving the family, but you also empathize her efforts into healing that rift, especially how they're not quite satisfied; no doubt there is a deeper story about why exactly she left. You understand Barbara's hurt but you also know she's not one to deal with emotions, including bitterness, well, and she is not above pettiness and evasiveness. I really look forward to where this goes in the next volumes.

Would recommend: for long-time Batgirl fans and for those interested in getting to know her more.

Ms. Marvel, Volume 1: No Normal by G. Willow Wilson

Kamala Khan has to be one of the sweetest characters I ever had the fortune of reading. She’s awkward, silly, earnest, and good-intentioned.

Some of the dialogue does feel stilted. I am guessing because Wilson is still trying to balance showing real-life issues while telling a story. I know people had issues with how static her family feels at the moment, although from what I’ve seen, they do develop well as the series goes on.

Would recommend: a fun, charismatic read that personally makes me think back to watching favorite Saturday morning cartoons.

#thorn's personal #thorn's book recommendations

[syekick-powers]

i feel the need to write a long post about my experiences as an nb trans guy. i honestly feel like not enough people understand what that means. tw for mentions of miscarriages, deep discussion of transmasc dysphoria, and occasional mentions of sexual assault near the bottom.

my dysphoria didn’t really start until puberty. when i was a prepubescent child, i mostly felt okay about my body and who i was. did i have discomfort with how people perceived me? yes, but it was so heavily sublimated that i didn’t recognize it for what it was until years later. one of my earliest memories when i was a child was sitting in front of the TV in my grandma’s house watching arthur while my grandma cooked in the kitchen up the stairs. i was thinking to myself about gender, and i concluded that i must’ve been a boy, because that’s how i felt. i didn’t know anything about gender as genitals. i didn’t know anything about gender roles. i was a very young child with barely any conception of the differences between genders, and i still concluded i was a boy.

i didn’t think about that again for a long time. my mother, bless her, was obsessed with the idea of having a daughter. she told me over and over growing up how happy she was that i was born, how much she tried and tried to have me, how she had three miscarriages before finally giving birth to me. over and over and over, she insisted that she loved me specifically because i was “female”, because i was her “daughter”. this was a constant throughout my childhood, and when i was younger i didn’t fight it. because i didn’t really know anything about gender, and i let the adults decide for me because i didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what i was actually feeling.

would i have identified as nonbinary from childhood if i’d known what that meant? absolutely, i would have. once i knew the difference between penis and vagina, i always wanted to have both. i always wondered if that was weird, but i was too afraid of coming across as a freak to ask any of my peers if they felt the same way or if i was just a weirdo. i don’t necessarily buy into the “born in the wrong body” narrative, because my body is my body. i don’t always feel comfortable in it, but it’s still mine. i want to change it to make it fit myself better, because that is my right as a human being.

but i did have dysphoria. once i hit puberty, the changes my body was doing was enough to fill me with so much self-hatred. when my mom was telling me about puberty, she told me “now you’re going to grow breasts” and the very first words out of my mouth were “but i don’t WANT them!” my mother told me that the feeling of my breasts itching or hurting meant they were getting bigger, and to this day even the slightest unusual sensation around my chest gives me dysphoria. my greatest dysphoria was always around my chest. i never felt this pain when i was prepubescent because i didn’t have breasts. but when they started growing, i hated them so much. i just wanted to rip them off my body. they felt like alien parasites clinging to my skin, like fleshbags that had been stapled to my chest. every single time i felt them move or bounce i wanted to claw my own skin off.

but you know what? i had no idea what i was experiencing was dysphoria. my hatred of my body manifested as body dysmorphia. i felt ugly, ugly, ugly--but i had no idea it had anything to do with my gender, because ninety percent of the self-hatred i felt was because i was fat. that was the largest part of it--my family is descended from northern europeans, which means that our body types naturally favored carrying a lot of fat. when i was a young child, i was aromantic due to gender dissonance, but as a teenager i gradually realized i did want a relationship. but i was convinced i was just such an ugly “girl” that no one would ever love or even fuck me. i hated my body because it was fat, or so i thought. that was what i was convinced of, because it made enough sense.

the first clue that i had that i was maybe not just an ugly girl was when i started using the chatrooms on dA, aka dAmn. i entered a chatroom with a bunch of people in it and introduced myself, and gradually i became one of the regulars and even an admin in the chat. and since this was like a decade ago, the assumption on the internet was that most of the people who used the internet were men. people who came into the chat assumed i was a guy, just because that was how the internet was at that point. and when people came into that chatroom and assumed i was a guy... i never corrected them. i never proudly proclaimed “actually, i’m a girl.” i never acted offended or weirded out (though i was surprised that people didn’t think my alias sye didn’t sound feminine, because at the time i conceptualized it as a “feminine” name), and when people used he pronouns to refer to me, i always got a thrill from it.

eventually, however, i migrated off of dA and onto reddit. i was a fairly frequent reddit user in my later high school years, but i mostly interacted on the ragecomics subreddit, the vocaloid subreddit, and the queer subreddit r/ainbow. i picked out r/ainbow because during middle school i had been questioning my sexuality (at first i called myself pan, but then gradually i drifted to the bi label for a few reasons) and i’d heard that r/ainbow was a much friendlier subreddit, because a lot of redditors claimed that the r/lgbt subreddit had been taken over by tumblr SJWs, and since i was still overcoming a pretty serious case of 4chan poisoning at that point, i decided to pick the “friendlier”, less “SJW” queer subreddit. r/ainbow had pride flag flair (little icons you could put next to your username) and my first ever foray into identifying as nonbinary was changing my flair on r/ainbow to be a combination of the bi flag and the genderqueer flag.

now, i knew for a fact that my sibling also used reddit, and that he’d see my choice of flair sooner or later. eventually, we had a conversation about that, and he told me that he’d accept me and asked me about my pronouns and did all the accepting things he could, letting me know that he really cared about me.

my parents, on the other hand.... i didn’t come out to them for the longest time. i hate saying that i was “in the closet” because so many people use it to mean that the person doesn’t really know themself and that they’re just holding back showing everyone who they really are. i hated this idea that “being in the closet” meant you were being dishonest. so i never really considered myself “closeted”. but i didn’t tell people face to face that i was nonbinary. i was loud and out about it on the internet, but i never ever told anyone directly to their face that i was not cis. at the time, i was still not sure of what i wanted to do with myself. i’d just been introduced to the idea of not actually being a girl, and i was grappling with what that meant for me, what it meant for my self-perception. i’d had the identity of “girl” beaten into my head so much during my childhood thanks to my mother’s obsession with having a daughter that i didn’t know how to self-conceptualize any other way. i didn’t want to transition yet. i didn’t even want to socially transition. i was scared. terrified of what being trans meant. i went through a phase where i said i was “nonbinary but not trans” just because the idea of changing myself so drastically was terrifying, even if i hated my chest and hated presenting as female. (to a certain extent, i never really consciously presented as feminine. i had long hair, which meant that everyone assumed my presentation was “feminine”, even if i wore cargo pants and a leather jacket.)

but gradually, over time, my self-perception changed. i realized that part of the reason why i hated my appearance so much was because i was gendering my own features. my face wasn’t my face, it was a “female” face. my body wasn’t my body, it was “a girl’s body”. a lot of my ambient dysphoria came from just perceiving myself and my body in an inherently gendered way. over time, i trained myself not to see my own body as inherently anything. i didn’t have “a girl’s body”, i had my own body. i didn’t have a “girl’s” face, it was just my face. i still do experience dysphoria, mostly around my chest, but not nearly to the level i experienced as a teenager.

and, of course, with gender questioning, my sexuality questioning was also pretty intense too. one of the things i see a lot of queer cis people not understand is that the experience of being queer and trans is so much weirder than being queer and cis. you have no fucking idea how weird it is to grow up being attracted to men your whole life, loving how they look and their aesthetics and their voices and their bodies and everything--but just feeling so, so alienated at the idea of trying to be in a relationship with them. because of how they’d perceive you. because to them you’re just a girl, and boys are supposed to be the man of the house and women are supposed to be nurturing housekeeping mothers and how weird are you for being attracted to men and not wanting to be seen as a woman. because as a queer trans person, people assume you’re just a weirdo cis straight person with a fetishizing fixation on m/m (or f/f if you’re queer+transfem) couples. i remember when i first started using tumblr i saw a post from someone who said something like “i have read so much fanfiction now that i’m no longer attracted to men as a woman, but as a gay male” and the comments were just full of people screaming UGH STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE SO UGLY YOU GROSS FETISHIZING FREAKS HOW NASTY ARE YOU DISGUSTING SHAME SHAME SHAME and i, who had been reading m/m fanfiction and felt seen for the first time in my life, internalized such a huge amount of shame and self-disgust just from that post alone. any time i was attracted to a queer male character in a piece of media i hated myself so much for being a “fetishizer” because i wanted to be in a relationship with them, but couldn’t because i was just “a sad straight girl who turned gay men into a fetish”. never mind the fact that seeing m/m romance for the first time in my life made me feel seen and understood in a way that no m/f romance in mainstream media had ever made me feel. never mind the fact that i wasn’t even a girl in the first place. it’s nothing like being queer and cis at all.

i still remember the first time i came across gay male subcultures, and how different men with different body types would be categorized with various nicknames. i encountered the bear subculture, the group of men who were fat and hairy, and i felt something click. this, i thought. this is what i want to be. because i had spent so long thinking of myself as just an ugly girl, it never even occurred to me that there may be someone out there who would look at my body type and find it hot and sexy and desirable. my brain had been so drenched in a potent combination of self-hating misogyny, fatphobia, and transphobia that i couldn’t even consider myself sexually attractive at all. and then i found bears, and i realized that maybe someone could find me sexy and attractive, that i wasn’t just a failed girl, that someone could find me beautiful even with the body i had.

and it wasn’t just the whole “fat and still sexy” thing  that struck me about the bear subculture, either, it was specifically “fat and hairy and sexy”. because one of the ways i struggled with gendered expectations as a teenager was the feminine expectation to shave. i hated shaving my legs and my armpits. i have moles in my armpits that make shaving without hurting myself impossible, and my leg skin is so bumpy that i couldn’t shave there without hurting myself either. no matter how much i tried, i would always, ALWAYS nick myself in the shower with the razor, and in the case of my armpits, sometimes the moles would get actually stuck in the razors and it would fucking hurt. and my mother constantly, constantly harangued me to shave, told me that women who didn’t shave were seen as dirty and unhygienic and gross. to this fucking day i cannot wear shorts in public because my legs are SO hairy and i am so terrified of someone handing me shit for not shaving my legs. i literally cannot bring myself to wear anything but full-length pants out in public no matter how hot it is because of how scared i am of someone insulting me for my leg hair because they assume i’m a woman. but the bear subculture? you could be fat and hairy and still be stunningly attractive. you could be chubby and totally covered in hair and still be a total sex bomb.

eventually, i found myself wanting to take testosterone. i thought of myself as trans, not just nonbinary. i started to become more loud and direct about my gender. i was still not out to people in my face-to-face life, but on the internet i became pushier and pushier about my identity. i felt more and more like i wanted to alter myself so i could stop living in this perpetual pit of frustration that was dealing with dysphoria. i wanted to transition, more and more, even if the social consequences of transitioning were severe, because the longer and longer i went allowing people to assume i was female, the angrier and angrier it made me to be misgendered. when i was a child, someone calling me “lady” was nothing. but as i got older, hearing someone call me “lady” made me want to fucking snap their neck. i wanted to correct them so, so badly every single time, even if outing myself put me in danger.

my mother forcibly outed me as trans to the PCP doctor i was visiting, which was extremely stressful and painful for me at the time--but it turned out that the doctor’s brother was actually a trans man, and as a result he was much more friendly to me about my identity than most other doctors would be where i was living in rural nebraska. i had been struggling up to this point trying to find a place to get testosterone. the first place i went to was super gatekeep-y, where they had a policy of not calling you back to schedule an appointment if you didn’t call them repeatedly and insistently, because apparently only calling to ask for an appointment once meant that you didn’t “want it enough” to be “really trans” (never mind the fact that i have terrible phone anxiety). the second endocrinologist i tried didn’t actually prescribe HRT. it just wasn’t his thing. i drove 100 miles in bad weather to see him and he didn’t even do what i needed from him. but then i talked to the PCP my mother outed me to. i asked him to help me find a clinic where i could get testosterone. he did a quick google search and dug up a gender clinic in denver, printed out all their information for me, and told me to give them a try. now, denver was a few hours drive away from where i was living, but i had friends in colorado who would let me stay with them, so i had no problem with finding time to go to denver. in september 2019 i scheduled an appointment to go to this clinic, and they gave me a date and time and i made sure to schedule a trip to see my friends around it.

the moment i went into the clinic, i could tell that i was somewhere that would help me. the staff was mostly made up of black and latina women who were very kind to me. the patients were largely obviously GNC, transfem and transmasc alike. one of the patients in the waiting room when i went in was a person who had the brightest, most HOT PINK mohawk i’d ever seen and was wearing a tricked out leather jacket. most of the patients were also not white. i filled out their paperwork, and eventually they called me back to see the doctor.

the doctor was a nice man. he was wearing a rainbow lanyard. when he walked in, he asked me a few questions about my gender (mostly clarifying questions about my pronouns, since i said i liked both he and they pronouns and he wanted to know which of the two to use for me), listened to me discuss my gender dysphoria, and told me they were going to do a few blood tests to check my hormone levels to make sure that i didn’t have any medical problems that would get in the way of HRT. he sent me to their in-house lab, and the phlebotomist was a beautiful black woman who had a lovely laugh. i waited for a while longer in the waiting room while they ran their tests. then the doctor spoke to me again and told me that everything looked normal enough and i was cleared to start hormones. he said they had their own built-in pharmacy in the clinic where they’d send in a prescription for T and fill it the moment the insurance approval came back. this involved more waiting, but i was so excited about getting my hormones that i didn’t care. my best friend/qpp was with me at the time (they came with me for moral support since driving in denver is so fucking stressful), and i was happy enough that i was going to get my hormones that i didn’t care even if i had to wait all day.

and then, the nurses told me that i was going to do my first shot that day. they took me back into a back room with a vial of T and a needle and taught me how to do the injection. it was subcutaneous injections, so i didn’t have to worry about doing the long, scary intramuscular needle, but i still warned the nurse that i was a needlephobe and that i’d probably need to hype myself up for it quite significantly. but i was in a fuzzy state of mind at the time, too sleep-deprived to really feel any kind of fear. so the nurse told me “just pinch a bit of skin up and inject the needle halfway at an angle” and i was just like “okay!” and stuck myself immediately. the nurse was genuinely surprised.

i walked out of that clinic feeling giddy and unbelievably relieved. for the longest time i’d experienced nothing but obstacles when trying to get myself hormones. and all it took was one appointment at this gender clinic to get the prescription i needed. i was overjoyed beyond measure.

and i noticed, after i started testosterone, that my gender changed too. before i started T, i considered myself mostly non-gendered. i wanted only neutral pronouns.  even if i didn’t mind certain masculine terms, i still only wanted they pronouns. but the longer i was on T, the more masculine i felt. the more male i felt. and that, truth be told, did not bother me in the least. i feel comfortable in my skin now on testosterone, more than i had ever felt before. and i’m still changing. i’ve only been on T for about a year and 2/3rds or so, and bodily changes from hormonal transition take like 5 years to complete. i have a much deeper voice now, and i’m growing facial hair, but since i still have boobs and wide hips, people still assume i’m a woman. and even then, i’m happy as who i am. i’ll probably be happier once i get top surgery, but i’m still much happier with how i look now than i ever was as a teenager.

and you know what? i’m fine being a nonbinary guy. i consider myself both nonbinary, and s a trans man, because my gender isn’t wholly male, but i still feel comfortable being seen as “a man”. for the longest time i called myself “none gender with left boy”, but now it’s more like “guy gender with left eldritch.” i like thinking of my masculinity as inherently weird, like i’m some kind of odd colorful nonhuman creature that is man-shaped and has a deep voice and a flat chest but is still unmistakably nonhuman. i have a deep love and respect for the nonbinary community all those years that i identified solely as NB, but now i realize that thanks to the testosterone, i fit in somewhere else.

and let me tell you, it fucking hurts to be on tumblr, now realizing that i am, at least partially, a guy, and seeing how trans men are treated in queer spaces, both by t/er/fs and by other queer people, even other fucking trans people. it honestly feels to me like any time a trans man tries to speak about the specific experiences he has as a trans man, you have people either being like “you’re not oppressed because you’re a man so this didn’t happen”, or you have people being like “stop trying to dominate the conversation and take the focus away from transfems!”, or you’ll have t/er/fs either calling you a gender traitor or trying to indoctrinate you so they can brainwash you into detransitioning. and god fucking help you if you’re a trans man of color. MOC are already demonized enough for their identities; trans MOC get the worst of both worlds where they’re perceived as a threat due to being not white, AND due to being a man, AND due to being trans. it’s like everyone universally hates you for what you are, and refuses to let you speak about your problems because theyre 1) not “real” problems, or 2) you’re “stealing resources” from “the people who really need it” (i.e. transfems).

and this pisses me off so fucking much. i have no interest in playing oppression olympics with anyone, let alone my fellow trans people. i don’t want to claim that i’m “more oppressed” than transfems because by and large, i have led a fairly privileged life, and i recognize that. i know that i was lucky to be born to middle class parents who didn’t abuse/neglect me, who don’t hate me for being trans, who didn’t throw me out on the street when i came out to them. i know i am not more oppressed than others, even as a fat, queer, neurodivergent nb trans man--because i am white. because i was born to middle class parents. because i was not abused or neglected. i know this. i know it very well because my mother fucking raised me on a steady flow of “you’re so lucky to have us, you’re so lucky you’re not abused, so many other people have it so much worse than you do, you should be grateful we’re not abusing you.” and she did this so fucking much, in fact, that now i have a goddam complex of “everyone else has it worse than me so i should just shut up forever and never complain about anything because i have it so easy.” so when you have other people in the trans community itself playing the oppression olympics card, acting like focusing on anyone else aside from a very narrow group of people is “taking away resources” when it’s literally just trans men talking about what they experienced throughout their lives, i really don’t understand it. i don’t hate my trans sisters. i don’t want to pick fights with them over who’s had it harder. i want to stand in solidarity with them so we are united against the people who want to hurt and kill us. so when i see people acting like trans men are somehow “decentering the important people” when they literally do nothing else aside from just tell people shit that’s happened to them, i really have to wonder why they consider trans men to be less important to the conversation. over and over i’ve been fed messages that trans men are just secretly misogynists, that they just hate trans women and that’s why trans men get fooled into becoming T/ER/F/s. like, have you considered for a moment that maybe the reason why trans men and transmasc nbs get pulled into T/ER/Fi/sm is because so, so many trans spaces are SO FUCKING HOSTILE TOWARDS US??? AND THAT T/ER/FS MIGHT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS???? 

idk bro. the internet’s version of feminism is just hatred of men, of any and all kinds. it is just pain turned outward against people perceived to be the problem, who are not. so many people are like “trans men are just misogynists” but being fucking real with you, most of the people in my life who have mistreated me and been cruel to me over my gender are cis fucking women. ive heard so, so many stories from other trans men about how badly the cis women in their lives mistreated them because of their gender, their transition, their appearance. i hear stories about trans men being fooled into dating t/er/fs who then mentally, physically, and sexually abused them into detransitioning. even my own fucking mother, who raised me with this feminine expectation because she so badly wanted me to be her perfect “daughter”, reacted badly to me coming out as trans, because she confessed to me at one point that it felt like i was “rejecting how [she’d] raised [me].”

i want to be happy in my body. i want to be happy in who i am. but when casual hatred of men is so fucking condoned in queer (and even trans) spaces, it makes it really fucking hard to feel happy or comfortable in any of these places. at all. hatred of men doesn’t help anyone. it hurts trans men, who don’t need to be shit on so much just for being themselves and presenting in a way that makes them happy. it hurts nb people, especially those who are masculine-presenting or masc-of-center, AFAB and AMAB alike (since so many people see AMAB nbs as just “man lite”). it hurts trans women, both in and out of the closet, because it assumes that they’re male too and that they don’t know anything about female experiences despite being women themselves. it hurts cis men because it teaches them that people are going to assume they’re inherently threatening and violent and evil, even if they’re trying their best not to be any of those things, so why bother trying to be otherwise when people already expect you to be a violent, predatory asshole? and fuck, this whole bullshit of “men bad women good” doesn’t even help cis women either, because it fools them into believing all women are inherently safe, making it easier for female abusers to take advantage of them because “i’m a soft pretty girl uwu i could never hurt you like those bad evil dirty violent men could. how could i possibly hurt you. im just a sweet innocent girl uwu.”

like you can say “men aren’t oppressed for being men” all you want, but that doesn’t stop people from hurting and abusing and even killing trans men, queer men, men of color, neurodivergent men, disabled men, etc. and if you don’t believe that these intersections can intensify their oppression just because they’re men, then i really don’t know what to fucking tell you. trans men both queer and straight are shit on for being men because cis people see us as sad, broken failed women and other trans people see us as threatening and dangerous stealers of resources. cis queer men are shit on for not being “real” men and will be called things like “sissy” and “f*g” for not conforming to traditional cishet masculinity. men of color are seen as inherently threatening and dangerous just for existing as men and POC simultaneously. and disabled and neurodivergent men are also seen as “not real men” because they can’t perform to some arbitrary standard of able-bodied masculinity imposed on them by neurotypicals, for being “weird”, for not being “tough enough”, for their behavior being seen as threatening just because neurotypical people can’t understand what they’re doing, for having accommodation needs that people don’t want to meet because it’s inconvenient for them. sure, a white, cishet, neurotypical, able-bodied man is not going to be “oppressed” for being a man. this particular type of man will live a “privileged” life. but just acting like all men have no problems period and that their problems aren’t “real” problems just because they’re not women is NOT going to make men stop and go “wow maybe i’m being an asshole” when confronted about misogyny or whatever, it’s going to make them get defensive and double down. you don’t start a conversation with someone by telling them that their life was so easy and they don’t know what real problems are.  if you REALLY want to open people’s eyes to misogyny (and transmisogyny), the way of doing that is NOT by shitting all over all men and acting like they’re all evil bastards who’ve never known what it’s like to be oppressed. and i hate how the phrase “not all men” has turned into an invite to be dogpiled and abused, especially when you’re talking about trans men or queer men or MOC, because clearly you’re just a dumb evil man trying to mansplain misogyny to the righteous, pure cis women who are clearly the only group of people on the planet who’ve ever experienced any kind of gender-based oppression at all.

i am an nb trans man. i am trans and nb and a man. and i am sick and tired of seeing trans men be mistreated. me talking about my issues is NOT “stealing resources” from transfems. me talking about my experiences with misogyny and toxic beauty standards is not “taking” anything away from anyone. i am not “dominating the conversation” just for talking about my life. i am not a threat to other trans people just for fucking existing as a man. i want my voice to be heard--not at the expense of others, but i’m tired of other voices being elevated at the expense of my voice. iim not demanding that all the resources be funneled to trans men. i’m not asking for trans women and transfems to be listened to and respected and validated less. i just want trans men to have an equal seat at the table. i just want us to be told that we are welcome specifically because we are trans and men, because our community should welcome all trans people. i’m not going to ever play oppression olympics with anyone because i will always, always lose that fight, but i don’t have to be the most oppressed person in a discussion for my voice to deserve to be heard. i have struggled my entire life with my identity, both gender and sexuality wise, and i am just sick and fucking tired of people telling me that i’m wrong for whatever reason for doing this or that or the next thing when i’m just existing as myself. i’m not fucking hurting anyone. i live a pretty blessed life compared to others, considering my parents and some of my other family have no problem financially supporting me while i grapple with my ADHD and depression. i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: i’m not asking to take away resources from anyone. i just want trans men to be listened to and elevated too. our voices are also important. we contribute to the trans experience too. we go through systemic oppression too. and it’s not unfair or threatening for me to say “hey, i’m not trying to take away from your problems, but i also want to talk about what i’m going through and be validated for it too.” it’s not like by validating transfems, we cannot validate anyone else in the entire community. it’s not “mom says it’s my turn on the valid” here. we can uplift each other without taking from each other. and the amount of casually condoned hatred of men i’ve seen is fucking exhausting. it hurts every single time i see it. it’s fucking r/a/d/fe/m rhetoric too, this idea that all men are inherently bad. and seeing people espouse it uncritically hurts pretty much everyone.

i guess what i’m saying is, that i’ve had a long life journey to get to this point of being happy with who i am. and i refuse to let people tear me down for it just because they’ve swallowed too much t/er/f rhetoric to understand that this casual, pervasive hatred of men hurts everyone. it hurts trans and cis men. it hurts trans and cis women. it hurts nb people of all kinds, masc-aligned, fem-aligned, and unaligned, transfem and transmasc alike. it doesn’t do anything but wank the oppression boner of angry cis women who think that trans women/transfems are the root of all evil and that trans men/transmascs are just gender traitors that need to be raped and psychologically abused until they accept that they’re “really women”. i don’t want to steal anything from anyone. i just want to be listened to and told that my experiences matter. and our community is really not doing that right now, and it’s bullshit.

trans men, transmasc nbs, i love you. i love all of us. we are not “dangerous”, we are not “threatening”, we’re not “stealing resources” just for fucking existing and asking to be heard. we are amazing people, choosing to fight for our identities in a world that would strip us of all our agency. we deserve to be happy. we deserve to be loved. and if no one else is going to do it, i’ll love us anyway.

#sye's babbles #trans stuff #extremely long rant pardon me