#different country) (like I'm in immediate danger all the goddamn time and will be in it unless I move out)

[blu-engineer]

my brain has been overloaded with a lot of different emotions in a lot of intensities that i'm Not Used To and it's been extremely. deeply. unpleasant. (yo uhh long ventpost under the cut. reader beware you're in for deeply suppressed emotions)

it's like. how does this kind of fucking thing keep happening? beyond the obvious exceptions (you guys) it feels like my friends hate me. i've been getting into like. EXTREMELY incandescent rages at the worst ones. they last like hours sometimes. and then a moment later my mood switches entirely and i feel like i'm about to cry. but at the same time, i never let myself actually say how i feel, because that would Cause Problems and i have a history of even worse things happening to me because i said how i felt in a way that was harmful. but this is hurting me RIGHT NOW. y'know?

the crying thing is really bizarre especially. yesterday i felt like i was about to cry at every single point in the school day. the entire goddamn time. but i didn't. there was a REALLY close call but i didn't. and thats because i (and Another Guy (You Know Who You Are (Hey Man (How's it going)))) have had an issue with a guy Literally Stalking Us. but its also because of other things but the guy who is quite literally stalking me is NOT fucking helping. the entire day yesterday i felt like he would come in at any fucking moment. i'm talking full hypervigilance mode. i haven't had to be like that in a while but oh my god. it's so much worse than it was online .

another thing that happened yesterday was people switching in at very strange times. we were dicking around with a friend during some free time in one of my classes and they took a picture of me (which i was okay with/encouraged). whoever was fronting (i don't even fucking KNOW who it could have been) put their head in their hands and then someone IMMEDIATELY popped right in and had to figure out wtf had just happened.

things have been very weird and emotionally skewed recently. it is fucking with us A Lot. hey uhh if you've gotten this far a) Sorry and b) give us a little leeway if we seem off or snappy or short with you. a lot of emotions have been Happening and i have basically uhh. zero outlet for them.

but like?? the bullying and shit has gone up by a factor of 5 and i have no IDEA why. last year practically nothing happened and this year Something Has Happened for pretty much every day in a given week. even excluding the stalker guy. people have been pricks before but it's never felt like my life/safety was actually IN DANGER until now. not to mention this kind of thing happening in classes where i SHOULD be safe. people are talking LITERALLY RIGHT BEHIND my back in my drama class. i don't know what they're saying because my brain is bad at processing words when i can't see who's talking. but i can tell when it's about me, and that scares the living shit out of me. someone who i KNOW is transphobic got moved into my drama class and it's extremely hard to function as an actor and AS A PERSON when i know they're sitting there. watching me. and this isnt even getting into the stress i feel as a transgender person for the 2024 election

the election is in november. i think it's nov 5 2024 if i remember right. i *just barely* miss the cutoff to vote for president. by a little over a month. and i've been upset over this for Literally 8 years at this point, but i've never been SCARED over it until now. there is hate speech against people like me and myself everywhere. i know (or i guess knew. now. that's a different story) multiple trans people living in different states where their existence is being deemed illegal. but i'm the only person IRL who acts like i'm fucking scared. i'm terrified! WE SHOULD ALL BE TERRIFIED! if ANY republican gets elected, in a little over a year my entire life will be turned upside down. i'll have to move out of the country. i've never even BEEN out of the country before. i don't own a passport. if someone gets elected that won't tolerate people like me, i'll have a little under 2 months to pack my things and leave. i won't be able to join my graduating class, because i'm a fucking tranny and i'm not safe here.

LIKE I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING FUCKING INSANE! LITERALLY! i've had minor psychotic issues in the past but this is causing me to doubt fucking everything i've been experiencing because a) nobody else is scared, b) nobody else besides me (and the Other Person) is getting bullied as intensely (I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M EVEN DOING WRONG????), and c) i can't confide in most of my friends on account of the whole I Think They Might Hate Me issue. i have had such bad luck with friends. especially in the last 4 years. i genuinely think i don't know how a real friendship is supposed to look or function, i've been mistreated and burned so many times. i already have issues opening up to people because of Past Happenings, but all of this is making stuff so much worse and i feel trapped and stuck. it's fucking terrifying. why am i the only one who is scared? why am i the only one who is being rejected?

THE FUCKING REJECTION! that's maybe the worst part!!! i'll wave at people and SAY THEIR NAMES IN THE HALL and they'll just breeze on by???? WHAT DID I FUCKING DO? NOBODY WILL TELL ME IF I'M DOING ANYTHING WRONG! they just breeze on by. it's like i'm fucking invisible. am i? AM I? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG? seriously! it's WORSE THAN A 50/50 that a given person i say hi to by their entire ass NAME will actually acknowledge me back in any way. this fucking sucks man. okay i need to cut this off NOW before i never finish this. i'll probably delete this when one of us gets self conscious enough to. good lird man.

#bluposting #dellvent #MAN . been a bit since we used that tag #hi finished writing the post ummmm. sorry if you read all that