#drawing irrelevant useless bullshit that won't help me in life and just clogs up people's dashes

[averlym]

i guess it makes sense somehow that burnt ash can be wet

#the thing about bouncing to whatever style excites me is that it’s hard to bounce back #i bounced really hard to try to follow scribs' style and it was hard and now i have like what 15 seconds of a shitty animatic in that style #it isn't even that consistent style-wise because i kept trying to copy it and failing #i didn't learn it before trying to copy it and that made it worse #i spent two days in a row drawing past 2am and then crashed and burned today #uh. when i get tired my effort level and quality also decreases so. not the best idea #i sometimes push myself to draw because that's all that excites me nowadays and i keep doing it to feel happy #but when the end product isn't as good as i want it makes me feel worse #and then i post it because i like posting and like the validation and when stuff gets less notes because not gonna lie it's low-quality #and below my usual standards i don't feel happy and i feel tired #i should take breaks from art i know i should and i need a break but i cANNOT stay away long enough it's like an addiction #my candle burns at both ends it may not last the night but oh my foes oh my friends it makes such a pretty sight #i push myself to keep doing it because it makes me happy and then the whole thing makes me miserable #my breaks never last long and i wish they would- my record for a hiatus has been what- a few days? a week? it's never exceeded two weeks. #then i feel bad because i didn't have the self-discipline to stay away from drawing for fun. #i can't even focus on my actual projects for art or things i promised people i'd draw for them but gods i keep drawing non-stop #drawing irrelevant useless bullshit that won't help me in life and just clogs up people's dashes #i want to be active because being active is fun and interactions with people is nice but also i need to take breaks and study and improve #i haven't figured out how to incorporate practice to improve in my drawing for fun and that's unfortunate. wow i'm swearing a lot here gosh #anyway ah right the whole reason for this post is some joke ramble about how after switching styles i genuinely can't draw faces properly #because the styles all confuse me and nothing i draw comes out quite right and the only thing i like about this doodle is the hair XD #but this turned salty fast and it's kinda sad that this is my first tag ramble in a long while and it's venty. i wish it was cheerier. #i keep thinking about the quality of my art and feeling bad and it sucks. maybe if i put in more time and effort- #maybe my content would be better. maybe maybe maybe maybe. one day i hope that i can do a commission and get something out of it #show that i'm a good enough artist to get paid- #that would be the greatest validation of all. i think. but i don't think my art's at the standard where anyone would spend money for it. #some of my classmates are doing commission work and i get it because their art's gorgeous. and i just do stupid doodles and half-finished #animatics and bad art and lately all my work's been looking like absolute shit #i want to go back through this blog and delete and redraw all my old art to make this whole thing better but no bc it's good documentation #so i guess the only way on is forward. i'm going to force myself to take a break maybe it'll be better soon idk. and that's 30 tags bye