#even if someone liked ME enough and was these thjngs if they arent comfortable or match my energy then i dont want them

[thisdreamplace]

I think yes, i deserve to be free of this. It really is me bearing these burdens. After i wrote to u, i had a realisation,, i imagined what do i want from them nd it was like i want them to see how much pain i m in coz of THEIR conscious actions... I realized i want THEM to pity me, as pathetic as it sounds. yes i deserve to allow me to be happy no matter whos sayjng what to me. ik im fixating on them, they're my world, my twisted, pain filled world. when the strange thing is my world is what i think of me? is that right?

i dont want to feel this way anymore. how do i put the focus off off what they're doing or not doing? off the memories nd off my body nd mind's reactions to them?

thank you for the comforting words. i want to apologize for the message. Idk if its a good or bad habit, but i dont show ppl how much they hurt me irl, sometimes im irritable but i never show my weak vulnerable side to them and it got too much for me then, so i had to clutch at a straw. But this means I tklerate too much ig. They say u can't heal from the place of sickness but im scared,, what if i don't change inside and then even if im independent i may have these same patterns in people? like at school. i have a deep fear of just existing. ive always thought others have a right to exist to do whatever they want no need to justify, but somehow i cant ever find the courage to do that for myself?

first i don't want tk give the duo so much standing that im havjng misery on my own based on their actions to me. so how could i do that, how could i start? im not looking for a quick fix, but for this change, does it mean me expressing thjngs they want to hear or changing my values? So they don't do that to me? In fact, do u think, is it possible I'm not getting this 'treatment' coz of something I am but coz of what I secretly expect from them?! 😦

second: is everything i have seen in ppl reflecting me inside? that is neville's concept that u reap what u sow. Is it possible for someone to have someone who's evil to them, become nice? Without saying anything to them? i also am realizing rn that i m still subconsiously searching for someone to blame! Ur right! There's no wrong or right. only me nd a deep loneliness ig. I don't mean it in a victim way. This time :) It's terrifying to think we realy are alone to reap what we sow

😶

yeah, your world is what you think of you... in relation to the world and everyone in it. so you see yourself as this person who gets treated this way, you see your family as people who act this way, it all comes together to become your experience.

if i was you, i would just take a step back... internally. because perhaps you cannot escape them physically, maybe you live with them. that isn't a barrier between you and freedom unless you make it so. you have to let yourself feel bad, think the thoughts, wallow in victimhood, but each time you do that fall back into your power. in other words, surrender. "i dont want to feel this way anymore, it's time to feel better (so i won't give in to these feelings willingly anymore)." "love is behind all of this behind, love is waiting for me." "i am supported by the godself within, i am okay." idk, these type of thoughts can help you through it. they help me. so it's just a suggestion. you've clearly held onto this for a while, you've experienced it for years, and it sounds like you're have this painful story in a chokehold. like you arent exactly ready to let it go, but you're also interested enough to begin finding inner freedom. and that interest will guide you. find the light of it even during the darkest moments. it's time to allow yourself to heal, for you. let the facts remain and let your faith to your inner world be your guide through this.

its okay to send this type of message. sometimes we have to vent it out and we open our own eyes through it. the habit you mentioned, it's a neutral habit. you're the one who essentially decides if it's bad or good. it's really unimportant though. we can sit here and think about our habits and how they have got us to Y which lead us to X and perhaps it explains Z. or we can just accept, "okay this was my habit. this was my story i held onto tightly. i dont want to anymore. it's time to change."

if you don't change inside, it will have been a choice rather than something you just couldn't do. so it's not really anything to worry about. don't settle for less, make the decision to change because you have no choice but to anymore. it's time.

in my opinion, wondering about why and how is a detour, when there's an easier way to get to the end destination. how do you want to feel? and practice staying there. don't ask for permission, don't expect anyone to help you get there. (i am guilty of this, wanting someone to change so i can finally feel better... no. i have to change, then i can finally feel better. this goes for all of us.) if you have a human moment where you feel like speaking your mind, okay. we are human. the human experience won't stop the inner world, because we are always experiencing the contents of our inner world. simply get into the habit of experiencing a more beautiful inner world, more frequently.

yeah, everything you have seen in people is reflecting you inside. that's actually the only explanation for it. there is no other reason. now, don't get confused. this doesn't always mean, "so i am a terrible, mean-hearted person just like them?" no, people also can only reflect who you think THEY ARE. so when you see someone as toxic, of course, they will play the role of the toxic person. and you just see yourself as the person who is as the receiving end of that kind of behavior. so yeah, that stands to reason a person can become loving, beautiful, and wonderful to you without you saying a word to them. you didnt have to ask them to become terrible, you don't have to ask them to become loving either.

yes, it can feel scary to reap what you sow on your own. because we are all imagination, we have to imagine better. no one can help us to do so. it's heavy sometimes, but the thing is you don't have to do this overnight. it's okay to breathe, it's okay to start with you. you don't have to worry about changing anyone else. worry about changing you, let yourself feel those things you've been refusing to let yourself feel because of others. it's time to free yourself.

plus, i find it helps you don't have to carry the burden of "i am god" that sometimes comes when you are starting in a lower place. sometimes "i am god" feels more suffocating than liberating, when you already feel so out of control. it's okay to think, "i am god's child" "i am supported by unconditional love within" or things like that. as one of my wonderful friends once said, "sometimes you have to fall, and let your godself catch you." (@astraldoll) it may feel heavy, but let limitless love be your guide.

i will link this article, i have linked many times, because it's so relevant. this person didn't ask for permission from her family to feel better, she decided to. she didn't even bother to try and change them. she just changed herself and because of her refusal to accept less from her family, they changed too. because people can only reflect you.

No One to Change But Self

i can't wait to hear about how you successfully transformed your life 💖

#eiypo