#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone

[tearlessrain]

seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing

#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident #I straight up forgot #and just didn't show up to the session #my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked #I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up #my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january #I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted #like mentally and spiritually #all the time #my memory and sense of time are both shit #my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason?? #I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me #I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir #and yet #idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason #fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly #due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me #aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory #it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever #like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype #but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here #doing whatever this is #maybe I should drive out to the coast #maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long #I mean it can't make me worse #I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark #everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone