#ffs I can't even hug some of my friends anymore and I know its weird for them because I was not this person at all and I miss how things

[kyoohyeon]

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#I realized that I have a bunch of u processed feelings bc instead of feeling and dealing with them I have been intellectualizing them #instead and now I have this all figured out in my head but also not really and its low key eating me up lmao #I know I have to deal with all of this bc I keep getting worse and this is going on for a while now.. tbh the weight in my chest is getting #a bit too heavy to handle and I feel shitty #the past 2/3 years have been hard on me.. so much stuff happened at the same time and it broke me #I miss being okay-ish. I've been depressed for so long but not like this.... I know I'm a way colder person now and have been for a while #and I hate it lmao I really miss being warm and feeling comfortable with the people that I love but lately all I can do is shut them down #ffs I can't even hug some of my friends anymore and I know its weird for them because I was not this person at all and I miss how things #were before. I feel like I'm becoming this shitty person who doesnt show affection and quite honestly don't care about things as I used to #and that sucks. I hate how I'm feeling now and the person that I am now but idk how to deal with the feelings that I have stored #and its not like I can talk to people about it because as much as they are willing to listen they wont get it and sharing things with #someone that won't understand won't help me at all. I will just feel like I'm over sharing and like they're judging me lmfao #there's this one friend I could talk to but I already rely on her with so much I dont want to become a bother/burden especially now that #she has some bug stuff coming up and has to focus on that #idk I just want to be alone 24/7 and every time someone asks to meet up I feel pressured and stressed out bc I'm not in a headspace to be #with other people and being a people pleaser on top of that doesn't help bc I end up saying yes and it just makes me even more frustrated #I'm just not okay enough to pretend and have a good time or listen to other people's problem right now.... damn I even feel shitty for #saying that.... #idk I need to figure out how to deal with this first bc its killing me and I'm constantly feeling like a piece of shit #meh I wish time travel was a thing bc as much as I'm a believer of not going back in time to change things bc they made me who I am I would #be willing to do that now #anyways.... #if anyone sees this no you don't #I just needed to write it out