#heck even stuff I reblog doesn't get much traction through me... like I'm some kind of taint on other writers

[mcalhenwrites]

Seriously, I wish I knew what I was doing wrong with my writing, tho, bc if I want to be a career author, why can't I get anyone to engage with what I share for free? Isn't that a sign of being EXTEMELY BAD AT THIS?! (And yeah, lots of my followers aren't active, some might be bots that slipped through, and people miss things on their dashes, but most of the time, I get notifs for reblogging other people's writing from the couple of hundred who must still be active out of nearly 1k. Whatever I post? Not wanted.) And please don't "write for yourself" at me if you see this, bc I've been writing for over 30 years and couldn't name anyone else I am doing it for. Even with gift fics, I don't write anything I don't want to. Edit: Also like... it's hard to express these feelings and not go, "ugh, shut up shut up" to myself, but... I can't really keep going on like this (with the nonstop only-ever-experience-failure* part), I just can't. *Some people never do anything but fail, we try and try and try and maybe maybe maybe it'd help to be believed that when we can't swim on our own, we drown Another edit: I just... I want to be good enough, and I want to be happy, and I want time and spoons to write, and I want to stop waking up scared bc things keep getting worse and I can't save myself.

#I want to give up and never do and that's great for the handful of people who still want something to do with whatever the fuck it is I do #I thought about a year ago I was finally at the level of skill to maybe try to share again #but the truth is... I'm not sure I'll ever be good enough #if you have a hard time and struggle for this long how can you NOT question yourself????? #heck even stuff I reblog doesn't get much traction through me... like I'm some kind of taint on other writers #but even then the biggest taint is what I make and I might as well give up only I NEVER DO LIKE THE IDIOT I AM #and yeah my saying this isn't going to change anything #getting better doesn't change anything having confidence doesn't even change anything #I actually found out people are more hostile when you suddenly have confidence when they prefer when you didn't... #I'm trying not to lock all my writing up again but the urge to delete it or private it is so strong again #I don't think my writing is all that bad and some people see something in it but I need support and boosting or I'm just gonna wither #and at this point I'm going to die with my stories covered in dust and that feels like the only thing I deserve #and hell enough people openly agree with that sentiment that it's about all I know