#hey uhhhh sam i know you read my blog sometimes probably don't. read this. ty.

[thedreadvampy]

idk man sometimes I'm just so so so so angry that I was so consistently treated as a sexual object as a teenager (by people my own age and by adult men) and so consistently judged in terms of my looks and performed sexual availability and now that's affected. everything. about how I see myself and how I expect to be seen. and I find it so difficult to believe or understand that people might like me as a human person. or that it's possible for people to find me attractive AND unrelatedly like me for my personality or ways of thinking or interests and not just. like me instrumentally.

like sometimes my partners or my friends will compliment my looks or something I do for them and even though I KNOW VERY WELL that they like ME the HUMAN PERSON for NON-INSTRUMENTAL REASONS there's always a little gremlin in my brain that's like see? this is the reason they like you. because you are sexually appealing or because you're useful. those are the valuable things.

like lately my partners have been very effusive about my looks. and they are correct I am extremely hot and pretty and cool. I also feel p good about how I look lately. it's just weird that my brain is like ah. you are pretty. solved the mystery. that means that's the only reason people like you.

no brain that's stupid. that's not what that means. it's not an either/or situation a person can be attractive AND useful AND likeable for many other entirely unrelated reasons. the fact that my partner likes that I look great in fishnets doesn't. undermine or counter the fact that they like that I make stupid jokes about Tim Curry and give impassioned monologues about art criticism. the fact that my friend appreciates that I make time to check in on them when they're ill doesn't mean they don't like me for my extended Roger Hallam bits. I don't know why my brain thinks I have to pick a singular reason. I like other people for a billion different reasons. but I can only conceptualise myself as a one dimensional character in other people's lives and I resent that a bunch. fuck you, people who made me feel that way. fuck you for making me feel like a prop in someone's misogynistic-ass understanding of themself. fuck you for spending like a decade of my life encouraging me to think the only way someone could find me attractive or valuable was by ignoring every part of me that wasn't about them. it is taking SO MUCH WORK to let people love me properly and to not feel terrified of people I care about finding me beautiful or attractive or useful because that would mean I'd have to be ONLY those things for them to love me. that's just not true.

idk I can't sleep and my therapist is sick this week so my brain is whirring. but twice this week my partners have made a comment about finding me sexy and I've caught myself reacting by trying to shut down every other part of myself. because if they find me sexy it MUST mean that all they want from me is Be Sexy. and that's not just untrue it's also wildly unfair on them, people who I KNOW aren't that shallow and are interested in me as a messy weirdo who is their friend as well as a Sexy Lady. like they don't want me to shut down all the Insufficiently Sexy Personality Traits! they did not ask for that! I think my partners are beautiful and sexy and I ALSO think they're fun and weird and interesting and complicated and emotionally important and those things. aren't in conflict with each other AT ALL. so I genuinely don't know why my brain thinks they can't possibly coexist when it comes to me.

but on some level it's like. somebody acknowledges that they find me sexy or useful and the paranoid bit of me is like AHA. I KNEW IT. THAT'S WHAT THIS WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THE REST IS LIES.

bc tbh when I was like. 14-20 let's be honest that was the case the majority of the time. like my experience is that people will pretend to be your friend for months or years and then turn around and pull the ACTUALLY I HAVE CONCEPTUALISED YOU AS MY DREAM GIRLFRIEND shit and if you refuse to be sexually available or useful then the friendship. was never real. and that's been so much the majority of my friendships and relationships through very formative years and now it's just SCARY like if someone expresses that type of attraction I'm like AHA THE MASK IS OFF THE TRUE MOTIVES REVEALED.

even though I know. I KNOW. that this isn't true and I have real friendships and real relationships now.

(also btw you know the most frustrating part is like. I'm not even that hot. like I'm for sure a smokeshow for a very specific set of tastes (gay) and I'm p confident about how I look like. big titties pretty face great skin cool aesthetic. solid 8. but I'm not exactly startlingly oh my god how are you real beautiful. I'm normal person pretty. and yet somehow. for like a solid decade of my life it feels like 90% of relationships I had were built around my looks and value as a sexual object. that's lame as fuck that's not even top 10 in Things That Are Cool About Me I don't think. but when very explicitly the things that were valued about you in your formative years were sex appeal and capacity for emotional load bearing it's really hard. To genuinely actually believe the other stuff matters or is anything other than something people tolerate to get to the good stuff (sexy big titty goth gf who will let you unload your feelings on her and be your 3am shoulder to cry on))

the point is its very bad for your long term self esteem or ability to accept extremely good and normal compliments (like 'i, the person you're fucking, find you beautiful and attractive and like having sex with you') to be a manic pixie dream girl for all of your formative years. don't let them do it to you 😘

#red said #ohhhhhhhhh it's a 3am trauma dump time to sing the 3am trauma song!!!!!! #hey uhhhh sam i know you read my blog sometimes probably don't. read this. ty.