#i hate to complain bc i really was afraid itd be so much worse but. but also this still fucking sucks ass? ig i wasnt really expecting that

[jrbalufbfnzl]

20.01.19

Smoking in the morning is deadass the death of me. I want to quit so bad for motivation,health and money and also bc i don't want to be addicted to anythibt bc it sucks and i want my creativity back (as if i ever had some ) but overall im just utterly unhappy and lowkey anxious all the time. I also want to stop eating and take pills to sleep all day for it to be painless but i have to ttzke care of my son and my daughter its really hard to be in the middle of smth rlly healthy abd hezling and having all the demons glazing on the other side. I mean i have erything i wabt and need (nice house,two d

of my fav dog breeds,designer shoes i always wanted,all the music instruments i ever wanted, a fire ass computer and i worked my ass off for all that. I swear ill get to work when all my paint stash will be dried n expired. I quit hard drugs a year ago n stopped taking pills to have fun or numb out the pain since months idk how many exactly cuz im actually kind of scared of suffering while i die n shit or havr my brain permabebtly damaged. I have so many projects i cant get my mind to do,i dobt have aby motivation although i actuallu trust in my projects. Except from smokibg thered nothing i can turn into a routine, not even starving or feeding n walking my two children. I lost 1kg and put them back on in a two week spawn i dont have anu motivztion to workout, i canna cut my legs off. Its bot uch but its a lot to me sincr i was 3kg away from my goal wright so thats 1/3rd of the rozd. I relapsed w self harm like a month ago,it was pretty bad but i known worse. Idk what to di w my life and my bf but im focusing on ly life and if he leaves my ass its ok he wasbt the one and its one problem less, ion have any strenght to fight for him i can only passively stay bc i just dont feel like i have anh value to him. But he told me he thought i was pretty this morning and i will journal evrry sweet momebts and compliments to feel safe again. Ion wannz seek for jis validatiob that much but its painful to be w someone n thinking they dont value u or even think youre pretty. Even tho know i hav a bad relationship w my appearence and looks in general. The first toll on my self esteem and when things started to go downhill wzs a yezr ago. We had grrat moments since of course but nothong substancial compared to our first months i think ? I least secually because i was never happy, not even once, xith my body since a yezr. It weighs hevzy. I want to go back to ballet classes so bad aswl. I hate this pandemic for the first time and its not making me bend towards resistznce, i comply and isolate and im just looking around thibkine damn son. V first world problem ik. I have no onr to talk to in the sense of i dont really wanna complain bc thats all ill do. The brain fog thibgy is pretty bad eveb tho ik i recovered parts of my ability to read b focus znd stuff but smoking is bringing me down again i soent so much time fighting the fatigue when i couldve solve things. But anxiety is a bitch so i guess i have to deal with it as well. im grateful that i have a new shrink n a good one even tho it costs money. I have an appoibyment this evening to talk ab surgery to my psychiatrist and well see what she thinks of it bc i wont be able to change her after i comed cleab but well see, if its a hard no im paying for that mf straight up and ill see later for my tooth ? Idk. cant borrow money to this friend no more because im not in good terms w him bc of my bf n im afraid to work bc im afraid thzt he hurts me bc hes bummed about it. Im afraid of vengence where i wish he would aprove,empower me to do it, come w me to protect me and pick me up when im done. Ik its a lot to ask and thts why im even more grateful for my best friends support.

My bfs mom is coming over n i cannot stznd her toxic ass so im staying in bed pretending to sleep. Ik itd disrespectful but i dont rrally care at that point. I feel dead and empty.

I have an unpaid comission work to fo n i have 0 willpower and focus even tho the elements of composition n the composition itself for the drawing are laid down already. First shitty draft was 90% i approved i just dont have aby energy to focus and make it good. Ill to it anyway bc rhe deadlines in a few days.

I hate the phone and how long i spend staring at it

My nails are soft i cant scratch i hate it aswl

Went to sleep woke up m gna sleep again til my appt w the shrink

[neepynoodles]

:( feels bad, man

im!! anxious. really anxious abt seeing the counsellor tmr. just aaa??? like i know yeah she’ll be asking ME questions and stuff but also just!! what?? do i say!!! what if i cant answer the questions!!! like. “why do you feel _” and i?? i dont know?? bc then!!! i just feel like my problems arent valid!!! bc i cant think of WHy i feel this way!!! at least i figured out the reasoning behind my jealousy issues ahhahahahahhahahaha yeah it stems from previous losing touch with my best friend so now im just afraid for that to happen again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but then its gonna get to “so why do you hate yourself?” and its like ??id ont know i just D o???????????? i just dO!!!!!!!!!!! because?? id ont see my own worth??? idk man??? i just. dont!! see how i have any worth or use or any likeable traits!!! so god knows what my friends see in me!!!!! at least im over the whole “my friends are lying to me about liking me and theyre just being nice by sticking around” bc lmao nah, if they didnt like me they wouldnt bother with me. but then also!! subtle attempts at gaining validation that dont!! result in validation lead me to the thoughts of ‘see? if they REALLy wanted u to be involved they wouldve asked!! but they didnt!! they DONT CARE!!!!!’ and its just a wholE MESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

and also i have 0 trust in adults now!!!!!! and in telling my problems to an adult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate adults!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but thats beside the point. well it isnt but yA knOW!! 

but then its gonna get to “why are you here” and its like (^: bc?? my friends say i should get help lmao?? “why?” 

denial - others have it worse, im just whining and complaining and being a burden, i keep just venting to my friends and its stressful to them and puts a lot of pressure on their already stressful lives but then my other option is holding it all in and that. yeah that hasnt worked out well in the past. 

bc im suicidal nearly all the time?? it used to be only some nights and id feel better in the morning but not!! anymore!!!! now i get a Suicidal Thought at least Once A Day and it doesnt go away in the mornings!!!!!!!!!!! why am i suicidal??? itD just be SO MUCH EASiER to be DEAD!!!!!!!! i wouldnt have to worry about anything! i wouldnt have to deal with the shitty people in the world! i would stop being a burden! no one cares! i’m a waste of space! no one will miss me! everyone will move on and forget about me! i just. have no will to live? theres tons of things to live FOR but i dont. really have a reason to live??

i occasionally self-harm!! not to the point of bleeding but just. scratching, a lot of scratching. 

i mean this technically counts? as self-harm but i skip meals!!!! on purpose, that is. i mean it started as being because of a mentality that no food = less weight gain/losing weight but like! losing weight involves both HEALTHY EATING and EXERCISE not SKIPPING MEALS and i know that but its still?? ingrained in my mind that skipping meals will help me be skinnier!! also adding to the death thing - it’d be easier to just die! but yeah then it’s just become a Thing. like i don’t even question it when i miss a meal it’s just not a big deal, it’s normal to me now. if my friends missed a meal i’d be very upset and do what myf riends do to me when I miss a meal but i just. dont question it!! i just skIp!! and body image h a h a. i KNOw theres nothing wrong with being fat and im not even That Fat but i still just!!!!

hobbies are stressful. nothing Feels fun anymore. everything is stressful because it’s not PERFeCt so its WORHTLESS just like ME

emotional numbness somtimes? when everything is just kinda. nothing?? like i feel nothing sometimes??? 

jealousy issues due to fear of and past experiences of losing friends due to just. moving on and not staying in touch. but my previous friend would only go on about her NEW friends and how GREAT they were which = i wasnt good enough. like i know it doesnt but it Does????? same with my new friends!! jordy in particularly bc theyre the person im the closest to Ever and i dont want to lose that but i know that like, death is inevitable and it wont be long before they realise how worthless i am and leave!!! i wouldnt be friends with me. 

what do i want?

to feel Better i guess

not want to die anymore?

stop bothering my friends with my problems on top of their problems by not having problems??

just. feel better about myself? and. life?

#death mention / #death / #suicide mention / #suicide / #negativity / #sytheria says shit #im okay dont worry #but yeah this is long and has a lot of mentions to suicide and self-harm so tw!!!! #self harm / #self harm mention / #self-harm mention / #self-harm / #selfharm mention / #selfharm /