#i provably won't be using that tag again but i didn't want to tag it personal

[gunsli-01]

Gotta be real I've been having a crap time for a minute now. From being harassed by a psychiatrist (for literal months) to everything that happened over the past nine years. Like I can only name a handful of good things that have occurred but there's been good things. I won't be discussing them here to not ramble. Just want to say Trevor Noah's shout out to black women saying if you want to know what America is like talk to black women cause they don't have the leisure to fuck around and find out is very accurate.

This year and every year I've wanted something that my Healthcare rightfully should and luckily eventually after several years of searching did turn out to cover testing for autism. Then went under months of testing from a black female psychiatrist. Something a lot of people online say is that finding a psychiatrist similar to you is fulfilling and i know a lot of people don't want to hear this but it was not. I didn't fuck around and find out at every angle where I saw an abuse of power I noted it. When this psychiatrist withheld my diagnosis forms from me despite testing being complete I noted it, when she angrily started editing my disgnosis forms on her computer cause she thought I was being uppity I noted it. If I had issues I made sure I had a detailed record of them and kept everything related to going there. I did not fuck around and find out and I'm happy for the experiences in my life that told me not to. Because if I did fuck around and find out I very well could've been institutionalized over a disagreement with a power hungry ableist psychiatrist.

If and when I go ableism is a problem I'm not saying it from a distance. I'm saying it as someone who grew up with asthma who kept trying to figure out if they had autism until they did. Then immediately after discovering they had it and adhd yep we're triple a in here now apparently. Was immediately considered a child despite being an adult and as though my personal statements on any issue concerning my life were unimportant, harassed, belittled, and infantalized for months as someone refused to give me documentation I needed to leave the situation. Then after I got that and left this psychiatrist tried to send the police to my home by fabricating a state of emergency and claiming I was suicidal so they would technically have the right to. That's the type of shit that can happen when black women fuck around and find out. I've told family about this and reactions have been very telling it's not that's horrible it's oh of course well you should've figured that would happen, that's how it always is, at least you know what this field is actually like now.

I'm far from thinking that mental health isn't important or something that should be sought after. Simply because it's proveably true that it is important and a necessity that everyone should have access to and feel safe accessing. I'm just stating that for some people even those sorts of places aren't safe. I thought it was for me and through experience I now know it isn't. I now know that at the end of the day the luxury to fuck around and find out isn't one I ever had. The only reason I'm here right now is because I did not fuck around and find out. Even when extending the benefit of the doubt I kept a record of these things. I looked into how to report this behavior if it came down to that which it obviously did. I made back up plans for back up plans even going as far as to get a telehealth therapist at the same time as pursuing testing with this person in case things did not work out with one of them and if it didn't work with either of them down the road I would simply leave.

That's the type of mentality you get when you know you don't have the option to fuck around and find out without it severely negatively impacting or ending your life. People might say why were you so paranoid about getting therapy and testing but I know if I wasn't I would simply no longer be here to the capacity I am right now and that's the problem not how I chose to cope with it.

#gunsli rambles #i provably won't be using that tag again but i didn't want to tag it personal