#i wish it didn't sound like japan was such a depressing place but i mean

[is-that-mchanzo]

Just Another McHanzo Fic 😬

Jesse ran his hands through his hair, sitting on the side of the bed and wondering what the hell he was doing. He looked down at where his arm should have been, grabbing the cigar and lighter with the other. He rested the cigar between his lips, biting gently on the end as he lit it, throwing down the lighter to show his annoyance. He was still mad, still filled with resentment so much so that he had nightmares about losing the limb. He supposed it wasn't any one person's fault but he was just so mad about it and he never quite wanted to admit to it because, typically, he was smiling, happy, maybe borderline on childish.He dressed up like he was in the middle of New Mexico and his profession was farmer or ranch hand for fuck sakes, he had to ask himself when the hell he was going to grow up, Jesse already knew the answer, never.

There was too much about his childhood that was good that he couldn't let go of. It didn't start out so good but when he was fifteen he was adopted and Gabriel had been his hero. He had been his strength. Gabriel allowed him to just be himself and he wanted to be a cowboy, he wanted to save the world from injustice. Gabe had always supported that, he encouraged him to be whatever he wanted to be and without him, things had never been okay. He had nightmares all the time and losing his arm had only made it exasperated because Gabriel hadn't been there to smooth over his hair, hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright. He didn't care how old he was, he still needed the man that he had considered to be his father.

He sat on the edge of the bed in the darkness, the only light had haloed in from the moonlight glowing between the slats of the blinds across the large sliding doors that led out onto the terrace and the glowing red of his burning cigar each time he inhaled. He should have been able to get over it, through it. But it had been so hard and it had left him with this sick feeling of an unfilled void. He couldn't imagine a worse pain then losing someone he loved, with everything he had.

He placed the burning cigar in the glass ashtray and grabbed his phone. He couldn't lock it anymore because it was almost impossible to do so with one arm. Jesse looked through his phone book, resting on a name, he was hesitant to press it. It was late or rather, early but he'd said if he needed someone he was there, Jesse thought about it for a few more moments before calling the number and putting it on speaker.

"Hello?"

Jesse frowned for a moment, the voice wasn't familiar to him but this was the right number, he had called it before.

Genji?"

He questioned, maybe he just had a cold or something? But it really didn't sound like his friend and he doubted that he would have given his phone to anyone, unless he had lost it?

"No, he left his phone behind. I am his brother. Hanzo"

He had heard Genji talk about his older brother a couple of times but he didn't know anything about him, only that he was older and his name was Hanzo, he was talking to a stranger and he wouldn't have been surprised, nor held it against him, if Hanzo hung up the call.

"Oh, howdy. Nice to meet you. He's told me only a little about you, are you just visiting the States?"

"I recently moved here. I am staying with Genji until I get situated. Your name came up on his phone as a symbol of a cow and a man. What does that mean?"

Jesse chuckled a little. Genji was even more cheerful and childish then he was, that was why they got along so well. Genji calling him cowman wasn't out of the ordinary, it was a nick name that he started calling him and it had just stuck.

"He calls me cowman 'cause I dress like a cowboy. The name's actually Jesse McCree. Most call McCree, actually I don't think anyone but my old man called me Jesse"

"Old man? Your father?"

He nodded his head as if Hanzo could see him before answering him, he supposed it was one of the reasons that he called.

"Was, he died 'bout six months ago. He died while I was in hospital, I didn't get to say goodbye to him or nothin'"

He wasn't sure why he was divulging all this to a stranger. Jesse felt weird but yet it was soothing, it didn't matter that Genji didn't answer, it really did feel good to talk to someone and he was sure if he was really bothering Hanzo, he would have ended the call.

"I am sorry about your father. What happened for you to be in hospital?"

"I had my arm ripped off at work. It got caught in a machine"

He wondered if he had said too much. There was nothing charming about telling someone that he had his arm ripped off especially someone he didn't know. Hanzo had a very soothing voice though, it was gravelly and almost monotone but it made him feel comfortable.

"I had my legs amputated so I know how it feels. I think I had nightmares for a year because of it"

"What happened to your legs, darlin'?"

He grabbed his cigar that had been slowly burning and puffed on it a few times. Hanzo told him that he had them cut off as a threat to their father because he worked in some underground things, illegal weapon and drug selling and trading. His factory accident seemed so vanilla compared to it.

Before he knew it, the sun was starting to rise. They had been talking for at least five hours. They just talked, about everything. Hanzo was only a year older then himself, the brothers were raised in a strict environment and he was an advanced archer. Hanzo had a full sleeve tattoo of a dragon, he loved dragons and he had escaped his duties in Japan to live in the States. He didn't tell his father, Shojiro, he just left. He wasn't sure he was entirely safe, if he really wanted to find his eldest son, a way would be found. It sounded terrifying.

He could hear Hanzo yawn on the other end. Jesse supposed it was time to go but he didn't want to, talking to Hanzo for as long as he did, it really felt like he'd not only made a friend but someone that understood him. They talked about what happen to their bodies and minds after they lost their limbs and he found a kindred spirit in Hanzo.

"Oh, damn. I'm sorry darlin' I kept you up all night. Would it be alright if I called you again some time?"

"I would like that Jesse. I will text you my number"

No one had called him Jesse and he wasn't used to it but when Hanzo said his name, it was nice, it didn't make him adverse to it at all. It was sweet and it made it sort of special because he was either McCree or Cowboy/man to most.

"Good night Hanzo"

"Good night Jesse"

The call was ended and Jesse found himself breathing again, though he didn't even know that he had been holding it in. There was no way that anything that happened could be described in words, there was just something about Hanzo that made everything clear, he had been stuck in the continuous loop of depression, anger and grief and he didn't really stop to think that it happened for a reason.

Maybe he had to lose his arm to connect with Hanzo on a personal level and maybe Gabriel dying was to get him to appreciate life was short and he had to make the most of it instead of drinking himself to sleep every night and wishing Gabe came back, when he knew it wasn't going to do anything.

He took a nap, waking up at ten and decided to clean out Gabriel's room. They had always lived together and it didn't feel weird that it had been the arrangement as he got older. It was just the way they did it and it worked for them both. After speaking to Hanzo, he knew that he needed to do something about it and he knew that there were things like photographs and stuff that could have a place. in other parts of the home.

Jesse took his phone with him as he made his way across the hall, opening the door to the musty bedroom. Everything inside had a layer of dust on it, and with none of the windows opened it looked like something that would be in a horror movie. Jesse opened the windows that had cobwebs on them and let some air and light into the room.

He had messaged Hanzo before he fell asleep but no doubt he had worn his new friend out to the point where it was possible he was still sleeping. Hanzo had been easy to talk to, he was just comfortable to Jesse, he wanted to talk to him again, maybe it was too soon though and he already talked his ear off, maybe he should have asked to have a drink with him or something, got to know him in person? He didn't want to overwhelm him, he decided. Jesse wasn't the easiest guy to get used to and he didn't want to drive Hanzo away already.

He cleaned out the room and though Jesse had been trying to accept the loss, he found himself crying, touching clothes and possessions of his dead parent. He wanted to get rid of it all albeit a few personal things. Jesse felt bad for that thought but the melancholy was too much and he didn't want to feel it anymore, he wanted to be okay again. He didn't intend on Hanzo being the one that became his support, Jesse was sure he was being a burden but they spoke for hours and Hanzo never said anything about wanting to go and he was half the conversation, unless he was too polite to say any thing different.

Hanzo seemed like an honest man, if he wasn't interested in their conversation earlier that morning he was sure that his new friend would have said so, he definitely seemed like the blunt, to the point kind of guy, something Jesse appreciated and found attractive.

His phone made him jump when it rang, he wasn't expecting it but when he saw the name on the screen, he smiled. He was trying his best not to sound like he had just been crying before he answered it, placing it on speaker.

"Hey there, darlin' I'm glad you called, everythin' alright?"

He tried to make sure his voice didn't shake at all. Jesse wasn't sure that it was working but he might have got away with it.

"Yes. Everything is alright. I was thinking about something you said last night. You said that you had never fallen in love before, even to this day. Is that true?"

It was accurate that he had told Hanzo that and the statement itself was true. Jesse hadn't experienced being in love. Sex was one thing but love was another and the two didn't necessarily coinside with one another. He had sex but there was nothing about it that was romantic or loving, he didn't feel that way about anyone he slept with and Jesse wasn't discriminate when it came to sex, if they were sober, of age and consenting then that had been the criteria. He didn't have a lot of sex but he had enough of it to know that there was a huge different between physical and emotional intimacy.

"I'm not exactly anyone's type Han' I ain't classy or even well dressed and I've been told I look a bit like a hobo. I ain't got money or family. I don't have much to offer someone else. I was serious"

"You have plenty to offer. It's not pleasant that you've never been in love, but it is comforting that I'm not the only one"

Jesse smiled, it was comforting to him that he had the same effect on Hanzo as Hanzo had on him. Having someone that meant they could be less alone, someone they could talk to without concern or worry that they'd say something out of place.

"I'm glad I can be the one to make you feel less alone in the world"

It made his heart less heavy. It was this tender moment that he could share with someone that was on the same level as he was. That had the same knowledge to things like losing a limb and not finding someone to share life, in all it's good and bad, with.

"Your voice, it sounds sad, Jesse. What's wrong?"

Fuck, he wasn't hiding it so well, but after last night there was no one else that knew Jesse like Hanzo did. He was friends with Genji but they didn't talk like he did with Hanzo. He wasn't sure if he should confess why he'd been upset or deny it, but when they did talk, he was safe and honest, Hanzo just made him feel confident he could talk about everything.

"I cleaned out Gabriel's room today. It's nothin' darlin', nothin' I can't handle, was just sad, that's all. I hope you got some sleep after I kept you up all night?"

He changed the subject to something else instead of denying that anything was wrong in the first place.

"Jesse. It's going to be alright. You are so resilient and you're a good man, and I enjoyed our night together, getting to know you"

It made Jesse's heart swell. Hanzo liked getting to know him, and it was mutual. He had a real friend in this man that he had never met. They got along well and conversation flowed between them so smoothly. They didn't have to force anything or have awkward silences. They just...worked. Jesse looked at the empty room he had cleared out, maybe this could be a win-win situation.

"I enjoyed gettin' to know you too darlin' say Hanzo..ah..I was just thinkin' you said you're stayin' with Genji 'til you get situated, I dunno how desperate you are to get out of there but I mean..I got a spare room here and it be mighty fine to be able to get you to know you more. Don't 'spose you'd consider comin' to live with me?"

There was silence for a moment, he could hear the soft breathing. Maybe this was too soon? Maybe he shouldn't have just jumped to the idea that they could live together? Jesse wanted to apologize, as he opened his mouth, Hanzo spoke up.

"You would do that? Allow me to come live with you?"

"Of course. We get along well and you need somewhere to live. Gabe's room would just go unused and...well..."

Jesse found himself blushing and rubbed the back of his neck. He was slightly flustered. He didn't know why it made him nervous to say it but it did.

"It'd be my pleasure to have you here, I mean I'd like it, very much, if you'd come live with me"

"Thank you Jesse. I appreciate your offer"

They arranged for Hanzo to move in that Saturday. He insisted that he didn't need help and that he and Genji would be able to handle it, Jesse didn't argue, he knew he'd be little help with only one arm but he could at least help him when he got there.

He had no idea what Hanzo even looked like. He assumed he'd look similar to Genji. He knew that having Hanzo there was going to help. He needed a friend and the eldest Shimada was his perfect companion and maybe he could be for him too.

Between Wednesday and Friday, he and Hanzo had continued to call and text. They were getting closer, the more they talked, the more intimate their conversation was becoming. They started to discuss things like sex and love. Though neither of them had been in love they spoke about how they saw it, how they felt about the idea. Things became very personal for them and Jesse and Hanzo were bonding and for the cowboy, he was starting to feel a few things that he wasn't sure he'd experienced before.

Firstly, he had a best friend that wasn't his father. He had never had a best friend before but Hanzo was definitely it. Secondly he was feeling protective over and attached to Hanzo, he wanted to keep him safe from his father and any associates that may want to harm him and thirdly, Jesse was lusting after him, they spoke about sex and there had been times where it could have led to them having phone sex. He wasn't sure what it was but it happened so naturally. Jesse didn't know what that exactly meant but it was apparent that he wasn't the only one feeling something from this.

When Jesse heard the car in his drive way, he felt nervous. He neatened his flannel and brushed drown his jeans, making sure his boots had a shine and the Stetson was straight on his head. He didn't know if this was going to be impressive by any means or if it was something Hanzo was going to like but this was Jesse, this was who he was. He was nervous, he wasn't sure what Hanzo was going to be like with him in person. Would he completely ignore what they had been doing the past few days?

Jesse exhaled and inhaled deeply, he couldn't believe he was actually meeting him. It was surreal and exciting but nerve wrecking. He didn't know if they were going to continue what they were doing or if now that they were in person, it would mean they were just friends and it would stay that way. They had the same appreciation for love, it was important for them and something sacred, that was meaningful and maybe it wouldn't be love between them, it was all up in the air.

He stepped outside, he looked to the silver blue car that was parked there. The trunk was opened up and boxes were being placed on the ground. Jesse moved down towards them and the trunk was being closed. His breath was taken from his lungs. Fuck.

"Goddamn"

He was staring at beautiful dark brown eyes and his own caramel ones were given the same attention. Hanzo was gorgeous, Jesse was speechless, he was sure he looked stupid just standing there, gawking like an idiot but he'd never seen someone so damn beautiful. That silken raven hair that was tied back in a ponytail. His skin was flawless and smooth, very few wrinkles showing, his eyes were serious but it was like drowning in a pool of molten chocolate and what a way that would be to go.

Jesse swallowed hard and low in his throat. He wasn't even thinking, he wasn't so sure he was even breathing, he was enamored.

"Careful cowman you'll get a boner"

Genji's voice broke his trance and he was properly introducing himself to Hanzo by shaking his hand and then doing the best he could to help take the boxes inside. It wasn't easy but he never said no to a challenge.

He hadn't been able to take his eyes off Hanzo and after only six small boxes, Genji was leaving and they were by themselves. Jesse wasn't sure what to say, since the first time they spoke, he was actually speechless.

"Lemme show you around darlin'"

That was a good start, he thought to himself. He led Hanzo through the house, taking him to every room, pointing out anything that didn't quite work to perfection. He took him through the back door to the large block of land that had a couple of horses on it. He clicked his tongue against his teeth, encouraging both the blazer and mustang to come over and say hello. They greeted him warmly.

"This is Billy and Patrick. Guys this is my very good friend Hanzo"

He could see the archer was a little nervous. Both the boys were harmless. Jesse gently took the smaller males wrist.

"Make sure your hand is nice a flat and what you want to do is run it over the length of his nose, just below the eye and just before his nostrils"

He was guiding Hanzo's hand down the path he said, as soon as he saw the archer was comfortable he released him and allowed him to get acquainted with both his pets. He just watched, mesmerized by him and how quickly he became friendly with the horses, and when he saw his friend smile, he felt like he had been struck in the heart with an arrow. He was...nothing short of perfect.

"They are wonderful, Jesse"

As soon as they were finished greeting the four legged members of the family, they were going back inside. It was getting late and he needed to think about dinner. He felt like he should do something nice. Jesse was so damn nervous, like this was all part of a date only the question was where he stood after it.

Hanzo was looking at all the photos on the wall and just taking his time getting acquainted with the space. Jesse couldn't help but watch him, his eyes drawing down to his legs. They were covered with slacks and he wore shoes but he knew, from their conversation that Hanzo had state of the art prosthetic legs. His arm, there was just a stump there, he might have felt jealous if he were a different man but he was more glad that Hanzo had that.

"Hey, darlin' do you think it be alright if I took you to dinner and we could do talk?"

Hanzo turned to face him, he smiled but so subtly that Jesse only barely saw that was what he was doing.

"Yes, I would like that, thank you"

He already knew what kind of things Hanzo liked. When they talked it had been about everything. Jesse was the perfect gentleman, holding open doors, pulling out a chair for his date and pushing it back in again. They were at a Japanese restaurant and he was out of his element here, he didn't know much about Japanese culture but he wanted to learn, he wanted to connect with Hanzo more.

"We can go elsewhere if you are uncomfortable here, Jesse. I don't want you to feel like you have to do this"

Hanzo distracted his eyes from looking at the decore. It was elegant that was for sure, they had a lot of simplicity in their artwork but it was somewhat breath taking and he did want to learn more about Japan and the difference about their two cultures, he was interested in Hanzo and he knew how infatuated he was becoming.

Jesse was holding back. Maybe that made it awkward but he wasn't about to go ahead and just fall in love with Hanzo and it not be reciprocated or it be something that was one sided. He had heard about unrequited love before and that was something he wanted nothing to do with. It sounded like pure torture and he couldn't do that to himself.

"No, Hanny Bee. It's alright, 'sides it be nice to learn 'bout Japan. Ah...I guess I brought you out though 'cause... Well...'cause you and I...we..I mean we're.."

Fuck. He couldn't even get his words out. He was too nervous. He didn't know what the hell Hanzo was going to say, especially with him fumbling his words and not making any clear sense what so ever.

"We are close now and you aren't sure how I think or feel about you because I haven't said anything or expressed my emotions?"

Hanzo hit the nail on the head with that one. It must have meant he had been thinking about it too.

"Yeah, that's 'bout it darlin'"

"I like you very much, Jesse"

He was waiting to hear a but. He waited a few seconds but there was no but, nothing bad, nothing to tell him that they could only remain friends. His heart was pounding out of control.

"The thing is Hanzo. I think I'm fallin' in love with you. When I looked at you the first time, I ain't ever felt anythin' like that and even talkin' to you. I'm worried that I'm gonna feel this way and you ain't, I guess it will just stop one day if it's one sided. Guess I'm hopin' that maybe you see somethin' more happenin' between us?"

"Jesse...I"

He didn't want to interrupt Hanzo but he didn't want to put him on the spot and he didn't want him to feel like he had to say anything or force himself to feel anything that he didn't actually feel. It wasn't something that he could just stop himself from feeling but if it was unrequited he did not want to guilt Hanzo into anything.

"Hanzo, if you don't feel anythin' for me that's alright darlin'. I don't want you to pretend or feel forced. I just needed to lay it on the line. I've been honest with you all the way so I wanted to be now too"

Hanzo's cheeks were flushed with pink. He looked cute but embarrassed. Immediately he was regretting everything, he should have kept quiet, he shouldn't have gone and blurted all that out like some love sick asshole. He probably made Hanzo feel more uncomfortable, maybe it wasn't such a great idea for him to live with Jesse. It just felt so good and so right and now he was filled with apprehension. Maybe it was too much, maybe it was his missing arm and seeing it in person was too much, maybe his style and personality was just not Hanzo's type.

"I have fallen in love with you too and I have been reserved because I'm not sure how to act, or what is okay and what isn't"

He finally stopped panicking and was able to breathe again. Hanzo actually liked him? He genuinely didn't know what to say but he was so thrilled. This could actually be something. He didn't want to seem too eager but also make himself look like a dick by snuffing out the flames, so to speak.

"You don't need to do or be anythin' but you"

They shared a meal together. Hanzo tried to teach him how to use chopsticks and taught him some Japanese, simple phrases that he could use to say thank you for the food and hospitality. Jesse paid for everything and when they were leaving, walking back home, he made a bold move. He placed his hand against Hanzo's and interlocked their fingers. It was a silent walk back but no words had to be said.

Jesse unlocked the front door and opened it for Hanzo. The other brushed against him on purpose when he went by, Jesse bit his lip as a hand lightly touched his crotch. When the cowboy closed the door behind him and locked it. Hanzo was waiting for him only a few feet in front of him, Jesse slowly approached. He tipped Hanzo's head back by lifting his chin. He looked over the handsome face before pressing his lips to the others and kissing him.

They both moaned into the kiss, kissing Hanzo caused his stomach to flip and his heart to cinch, his erection strained in his jeans and the kisses had become more intense, more heated. He pressed his friend up against the wall roughly, Hanzo wrapped his hands around his shoulders, pulling him in closer.

Jesse moved his hand down, pressing it to Hanzo's hip and pushing their erections together before he was lifting Hanzo and those legs were around his waist. Hanzo held onto him tightly, they disconnected the kiss and he looked into dark eyes they were filled with lust and anticipation. Jesse pulled back his flannel, throwing it to the floor, he looked at Hanzo's body, he didn't know what was under those clothes but he was eager to find out.

"Fuck, I want you darlin', I want you so bad"

He popped the buttons slowly on Hanzo's shirt, it was difficult but he did it. Fingers sunk into the back of his hair and lips were against his ear.

"I want you too Jesse, now"

He opened the shirt, revealing a toned chest, he shoved it down his arms and it dropped to the floor. He admired the tattoo before carrying Hanzo to his bedroom. Jesse hadn't had anyone in his room, it was nothing spectacular but how it was decorated was hardly the concern right now. Next to go were their shoes and socks, pulled off in a speed he didn't know he was capable of.

He placed Hanzo on the bed, resting on his knees looking down at him. He had thought Hanzo was beautiful before but now, now he was really enchanted. He lowered himself towards him, kissing down Hanzo's body to the waist of his trousers. He could see that he was hard, both flattering and arousing. He had never been with anyone like this man before, he was stunning, intelligent, sweet and though he sounded a little stoic when he spoke, he found him to be alluring.

He released the button and pulled down the zipper but suddenly Jesse was self conscious. He stopped himself, sitting back. Hanzo showed his concern.

"Jesse, what's wrong?"

He had told Hanzo everything when they spoke and now he wasn't feeling so talkative, he already had insecurity about his missing limb and seeing Hanzo, that gorgeous face and body, he wasn't sure that he deserved this.

"My arm"

It didn't really need much of an explanation. He didn't know if it mattered or not, he didn't look right especially now, at least that was how Jesse felt. He was only in a tank top and that alone made him feel apprehensive about what they were about to do.

Hanzo didn't say anything, instead he was sitting up and taking down his trousers, they found the floor and Jesse watched as Hanzo released some well disguised latches on his cybernetic legs and they were put to the side. He looked at the limbs, they were amputated just below the knee. Now they were both vulnerable, both naked in the sense there was nothing left to hide.

Jesse removed his tank and released his jeans, they too found the floor and there was nothing left between them. Hanzo touched his hairy chest, and then down to his arm. Jesse had never touched it or allowed anyone else to but he let Hanzo do it.

"You are beautiful, Jesse"

Aaaaannnnd unfortunately that's all that I can post here. You can find my trashy McHanzo fics on AO3 (shamelessly most of it is smut)