#idk its stupud just makes me so happy

[vents-things]

I don't know. I just don't. I have school starting soon. Im not ready to be a senior.. Im not ready to graduate. I'm not ready for college. Or to live on my own. But everyome thinks I am. Everyone thinks I'm ready. Because I'm "gifted" because im "smart". I get called pretty a lot, but i just don't.. See it.. Ya know? I dont think I'm attractive. I don't know why other people see me that way. Im not that smart. In fact, my hours have been getting cut at work because im not learning fast enough :)

I feel useless. My friends SAY I'm helping.. But.. They aren't getting better so i cant really be making that much of an impact, now can i? I stay up too late. Get up to early. Complain to much. Talk too much. Talk too loud. My managers (2 out of 3) literally COMPLAIN about me not knowing how to do shit, to the other manager. But then i ask them to teach me and they won't. They tell me to watc and learn. But i cant do that. I'm a hands on learner. I have to be walked through a process. And they bitch at me because of it. Because i dont learn like everyone else. Because I'm too slowm because i talk to much. Because im not busy enough.

Back to my friends. Sooo many of them are hurting themselves.. Or suicidal. No one is in a good place. And i feel bad because i can't be there for them PHYSICALLY. I'm not doing ENOUGH to help them. I'm not making them HAPPY enough. I'm not good enough. And its hard because that's my only purpose. The only thing i ever thought i was good at, making people happy, and no i cant. Either i cant be there enough or people just hate me.

Im scared that everything i love is gonna dissapear when i go to college. People assure me it won't... But they said that for starting high school too, and they were wrong. My best friend and first girl crush commited suicide, my best guy friend hasnt talked to me in a year, Séan doesn't even look at me. Luna doesnt shut up about her stupud fucking boyfriend, whos my ex. I BLOCKED HIM FOR A FUCKING REASON! i don't care about youre conversations. I domt care what he has to say. Oh, and Luna has literally blamed me on her suicidal thoughts before :)

Idk.. I just.. This barely scratches the surface of what's on my mind